AWKWARD ZOMBIE

When I was little I had hard core pica, I would eat absolutely anything.

list of harmful things

wax candles
modeling clay (red)
lighter fluid
tinfoil

I was also exposed to sex and bad words pretty early, so I would run off my mouth and say nasty things and not know what they meant.

Wait I still do that LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT SO GROWN UP AFTER ALL.

penis penis penis penis penis vagina vagina vagina

I never spoke ONCE

until I was 5

Everyone thought I was mute, and I have no idea why I refused to talk

Oh and I often chewed on my shirt a lot

Would you happen to have an autism spectrum disorder? Because that could be the reason.

Or you were just a kid who didn't talk

I couldn't read until the second grade. Mainly cause my teachers were dumb shits and couldn't teach properly/didn't care.

They didn't say anything about that, but I 'm definitely not autistic, I just like refused to talk.

Also I once tried to put floaties on my feet and walk on water.

When we got our first piano I thought it was either a bank or one of the pianos where it plays on its own. So, I stuck a quarter in between two of the keys. Dad had to get a knife to slide it out.

I remember running away when I was like 7 or something. I mostly packed underwear because I remember reading that you run out of clean ones fast when you run away or something.

When my lil bro was in second grade, right after 9/11, we saw this Iraqi guy at the swap meet.

My brother then proceeds to say "Look gramma, a terrorist!" My gramps and I give an oh fuck look, and my gramma screams "Kristofer!" and starts apologizing out the booty. The guy kinda laughed it off after I join in on apologizing.

For me...completley different story... When I was five and was on a bowling trip with my daycare, I saw my favorite teacher go out and get a ball that was stuck on the lane.

I thought, wow! And when mine got stuck, I went out to get it. I grab it turn around and then I finally learned what makes the balls roll down the lane. It was only like, two pounds, but when I fell, the ball flew out my hands then landed on my head

I remember this one time I drank gasoline.

Or rather, I don't that well.
Because I drank gasoline.

I'm guessing a lot of people have done things like this before, but have you ever done something (possibly with your parents originally telling you not to) repeatedly only to fuck up super badly the last time?

It's kinda hard to explain, but here's what happened to me:

So, I was like... 8 and my brother was in his last year of high school and this was his last yearly summer vacation to New York with the rest of us. Well, he and my cousin (who was like 16 at the time and totally that 90's teenager with long hair, his own metal band about how society doesn't understand him, etc.) would hang out and play video games all the time, and me, being the kid brother, I was a pain in the booty to have around because I was annoying and wouldn't shut up. Well, they kicked me out of the house and told me to do something with my little cousins (though I think they were out for the day). Well, I decided I needed to prove how tough and daring I was to them, so I went to the sliding glass door of the house and stuck my finger into the place where the keyhole was supposed to be. I'd shove it in far, and then pull it out, getting a bit farther each time. Eventually, I put it all the way in, and it got stuck, I freaked out a bit, but then it popped out and I was fine. So then I opened the door and called for my brother, and when he came down, I showed him, but this time, I got stuck. Badly.

Cue cousin coming down screaming at me because they were supposed to be watching me and my finger's stuck in a semi-sharp hole in the door, my brother freaking out and trying to pry me out without cutting me, me crying and not wanting to be cooperative because it wasn't supposed to be like this and I wouldn't have to do it if they weren't assholes to me.

Eventually we got me out of the door without mom or dad knowing about it, but I got the biggest blackmail ever on my brother and cousin, so we spent the day watching Beavis and Butthead and Buffy and shit. They weren't very pop flyin' but whatever.

I remember sticking the metal wire that you hang Christmas ornaments from into a light socket

It made the prettiest little lights

Also they were very, very hot

My brother did that has a kid at the daycare he went to (and that mom worked at), but with a fork (I think he might've bent some of the tines to make it work).

Mom remembers that the lights dimmed, there was a blue flash, and he was thrown back by the blast.

They had to redo the socket because of how fried it was.

He was fine, except for some minor burns and a bit of a fear of doing that again.

when I was like 8 or 9 or some shit I had to ride a float (aka truck bed) for my Boy Scout troop for Independence Day. After that I was loitering around in the parking lot which was the end of the parade waiting for my dad to pick me up. I was standing there in the middle of the lot (because that's smart) waiting when a semi truck or something similar started pulling out. Me, thinking that this guy would move because I am a kid, moved like five inches to the right or some shit. I didn't get hit or anything, but the fucking semi ran over my foot because I was a stubborn idiot who refused to move. My foot didn't break or anything too, which is the cool part.

I've always had a high tolerance for pain. Maybe I'm just too tough

Or incredibly lucky.

I remember when was young I put a couple of very small rocks in my ear. No, I don't know why. My tiny mind was like, "Oh, these will fit there." Had to get them sucked out.

I thought it would be funny to push my bro into a cactus when we were little.

My butt hurt for a week after that spanking.

I remember I took apart a tissue and put the pieces in my nose when I was sick.

apparently, the mucus made the pieces stick together, and nothing my mom or our doctor did could reach it without hurting me.

We went to an ER Clinic thing and they thought they might have to do surgery, opening up my nose to get it out.

Luckily, all they needed to do was pump my nose with a stomach vacuum modified with a smaller hose.

Mom was so mad.