Something a lot of people tell me is that they can't cook and that's a little sad I think because really there's nothing to worry about, cooking isn't hard. There's a lot of tension out there you know, a lot of apprehension and trepidation because hey cooking can seem stressful, lots of knives and fire and timing but we're not going to worry about that, we're just going to relax, just going to chill out a bit. No stress, just going to play it by ear, nice and easy.
Maybe put some nice clothes on, dress up a little, because nice clothes are nice sometimes. We're visual creatures so, you know, clothes are important, they make the man. You don't have to put a cravat on, maybe you're a hawaiian shirt kind of guy, that's fine. We don't have to stress out about that. Just wear yourself. Clothes are our bulwark against the night, against the dark places, and we want to feel good right know, we want to relax. Maybe light some candles around the place, light some incense, whatever goes for you.
So we're going to do some simple, easy food right now, not every meal is complicated. Sometimes we just need to enjoy the little things, just sit back and enjoy yourself. Get some mushrooms, sliced or not, that doesn't matter, we're chopping them anyway. I've got about 375 grams here, but you get as much as you feel like you need. I'm doing dinner for one, but maybe you've got somebody special in your life, somebody you want to cook for, I don't know. That's okay, it's okay not to as well. We're just relaxing here.
You're going to want to chop those mushrooms pretty fine, because we're doing duxelles here. Now that might sound like you know a complicated sort of thing, and there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes complicated food is good, but we're doing something simple here, no stress, no tension. Just chop those mushrooms, nice and fine. I'm using a cleaver because that's the sort of knife I feel comfortable with but maybe you like a regular chef's knife, and that's okay. Knives don't matter, they don't have special properties. Just get whatever knife you like the heft of, whatever knife feels good in your hand. Sometimes you want to feel powerful, in control, and that's why we're relaxing, there's no dangers here, nothing scary.
Now once you've finished chopping them up the next thing to do is chuck them in a pot. Not just on their own, though, we want some butter in their too. Butter is nice, it smells good, and it's just kind of smooth, you know? Don't think about carbs or trans fats or any of those buzz words, they're not important right now. Maybe you can go for a jog in the morning if you like, but right here we aren't going to stress about any of that, we're just making a nice meal that we can really enjoy. It's not good to always eat take away, or frozen food or convenience items, they kill the soul, they're like bad pop music. You might not have time all the time to cook up a meal but sometimes you have to make time, because good food is good for the soul, man. Napoleon took over half the world with good food and that's what you can do, too, you can feel like a conqueror after a good meal.
Now speaking of Napoleon, because you know, no man is an island, I'm using french butter here. French butter is nice, it's a little gourmet, a bit different to your regular supermarket butter. You don't have to use french butter if you don't feel comfortable with that, but maybe you're feeling a little daring, like you want to try something different, and that's good. It's good to try different things every now and again, it's good for the soul, but it's okay not to as well. We like familiar things and that's just fine, we're not trying to rock the boat here, just make some nice food.
You're going to want to put in a big hunk of butter into the pot because it's important to treat yourself sometimes, because you know you forget every now and again, and we want this to be a special sort of meal so put in a great big lump. Once it's melted down a bit just go ahead and pour all that mushroom on top. Now, mushrooms have a lot of water in them, and what we're doing here by cooking them is just sort of evaporating all that water. It's going to steam up a little for most of the time it's on the heat. I put mine on a medium heat, but maybe you like things a bit hotter. You can put it on high if you like, but you don't have to. This is all about, you know, like, being somewhere that you feel safe, a kitchen sanctuary.
Once they've been in there for a few minutes, put in some salt and pepper, because everything you cook should have salt and pepper in it. It's about respecting your food and caring properly for what you're cooking. This is good food and we want to make a good meal, so we're going to treat it right. You can just use regular old table salt and pepper, you don't need anything fancy here, but if you have some kind of special salt you like to use, maybe PANK salt or rock salt you can use that too, this isn't about censorship it's just about relaxing.
The mushrooms are probably going to take a fair while on the heat, but good things do take some time, and we're not in any rush here, there's no deadline, so let's just take it slow. Mine took about an hour, so maybe you want to take a break for a little while. You don't need to stand there stirring these guys the whole time, they look after themselves. This isn't Gordon Ramsey's kitchen, we're just here to enjoy ourselves, so you can have a bit of a rest for ten or fifteen minutes if you feel like it. I went out and had a Hula Girl cigarillo. Smoking's bad for you but sometimes it's important to do those sorts of things too. Sometimes you feel like you have to play with matches and that's okay. Doing the bad things can be, you know, rewarding, so long as you don't do it all the time.
You might like to put some music on while you cook too and that's fine. I'm listening to Re-arrange Us by Mates Of State. It's calming kind of music, to make the right kind of atmosphere, you know? We don't want any negativity here, just a peaceful environment where we can sit back and be ourselves.
So your mushrooms should be leaking a lot of, like, mushroom water juices by now, and that's good, that's what we want, that's what we're here for. The duxelles will be ready once all of the water has evaporated, but maybe you think you're a bit adventurous, a bit creative, and you want to put something else in there. I'm putting in a few splashes of red wine, maybe a glass or two, because that's what I have on hand, but maybe you've got something else, and that's fine. The wine will sweeten up the mushrooms a bit and sweet is what we want, because sweet things are good things, you know? Maybe you don't have any red around and that's okay, you can put something else in. Maybe a few splashes of brandy or bourbon, some port, maybe even a few spoonfulls of honey. Just, you know, think of some sweet things in your life that you like at the moment, and you can put those in the pan and that's okay. You can chuck it in and just stir it around, because this is a safe time.
While your mushrooms are cooking away you should start chopping up a few slices of ham. You could even go down to the butchers if you like, get something a little nicer than whatever's sitting at the supermarket. Nothing's wrong with supermarket meats of course, but you know, butchers are a bit more quality, and quality ingredients make a quality meal. It's okay to treat yourself sometimes. I've done four slices because I'm a little hungry, I didn't have lunch today, but maybe you only want three, or even two, and that's totally cool. This isn't Martha Stewart, I'm not telling you how much to cook, this is just free form finger painting here.
If you're still feeling a bit brave, a little heroic, then we can do some things to the ham before we cook it. You put your salt and pepper on, like I said before, because we're respecting the ham, but you can also rub some honey onto your slices if you want to. If you look around at your supermarket you'll probably find some locally made honey and it's important to support you local businesses, because they provide a good community service, and they usually make better products too.
Cooking's messy and that's alright because we aren't here to impress anybody. Don't worry about getting your hands dirty, just rub some honey onto your ham. You can do it in a bowl if you like to keep things a bit neater but you can do it straight on your bench or chopping board too, that's okay as well. Just rub the honey in nice and strong.
Your mushrooms should take about an hour but your ham won't take very long, maybe ten or fifteen minutes. I did mine in the oven on about 200 degrees for around fifteen minutes, but you can do yours in the pan if that's how you do things. There's no judgement here, just nice food. If you feel like doing it in the pan, put some oil or butter in first, because they're emollients. It just sits between what you're cooking, and the heat surface, so it doesn't stick, there's nothing to worry about there, no stress. Put it on high and cook it for about ten minutes as well, just until it gets a little darker and starts to curl up a tiny bit at the edges.
Because it's a nice meal you could pick something to drink with it if that's your thing. If not that's okay too, but I've picked out a nice sparkling PANK wine, because I like sweeter things. You might like a red for a deeper, heavier flavour, but we're egalitarian here, everybody's okay man.
Then serve it up, and enjoy a good, home cooked meal, and you'll feel beautiful, you'll feel strong, like you believe in yourself, and that's important to remember sometimes. The world is a scary place, and you don't want to stress yourself out. We're just going to enjoy a nice meal, one step at a time.
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