AWKWARD ZOMBIE

BUT UNCLE SPOONY

WHAT IF THE ONLY THING IN MY REFRIGERATOR IS MORE EGGS

wait so like

you have eggs

but also more eggs

and like

but

You can have a boiled egg omelette.

I'd eat a fried egg omelette.

A poached egg omelette. Better yet a scrambled egg omelette.

I eat a sunny-side-up ham and cheese egg whites omelet for breakfast. Every breakfast.

Spoony always has the most entertaining recipes.

YES FINALLY A MEAL WORTHY OF ACTUALLY GETTING OFF MY booty TO COOK

YOU ARE THE KITCHEN MESSIAH SPOONY

i did a spoof of this a while back on another forum with gumbo because nobody fucking knows how to make proper gumbo

i forgot about it til now haha I SUPPOSE I CAN POST IT

this is from january or february so the cat you see is not longer alive (baw.)


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I'M HERE TO TEACH ALL YOU SISSIES HOW TO MAKE REAL AUTHENTIC CAJUN GUMBO. I MEAN THE REAL MCCOY NONE OF THIS SISSY SOUP STUFF YOU YANKEES LIKE TO CALL GUMBO. IF YOU AIN'T CAJUN YOU WOULDN'T KNOW REAL GUMBO IF IT SLAPPED YOU IN THE FACE

SHAZZA HAPPENS TO BE CAJUN SO SHE KNOWS HER SHIT SO YOU BETTER SIT DOWN AND LISTEN. I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO COOK REAL GUMBO

LIKE A MAN

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN MAKE THIS VEG*N OR NOT BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO TRY. PRETTY SURE ROUX DON'T HAVE ANIMALS IN IT. YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE ANYTHING HERE FOR WHATEVER YOU WANT BUT THIS IS HOW WE USUALLY MAKE IT BECAUSE IT'S CHEAP AND EASY AND DOESN'T REQUIRE SHELLING SHELLFISH WHICH SUCKS.

ONTO THE COOKING




FIRST: WASH YOUR GOD DAMNED HANDS BECAUSE YOU'RE NASTY


SECOND: FEED YOUR OBNOXIOUS-booty CAT BECAUSE OTHERWISE HE WON'T SHUT UP AND LET YOU COOK IN PEACE


THIRD: PUT ON SOME TUNES. SHAZZA RECCOMENDS ORCHESTRAL SOUNDTRACKS BECAUSE THEY MAKE COOKING SOUND LIKE AN ADVENTURE. SHAZZA ALSO RECCOMENDS HANS ZIMMER BECAUSE HE'S AN AMAZING COMPOSER.


FOURTH: GET YOUR INGREDIENTS. THIS IS WHAT SHAZZA PUT IN HER GUMBO THIS TIME BECAUSE THIS IS HER FAVOURITE WAY TO MAKE IT. SHAZZA RECCOMENDS SAVOIE'S ROUX BECAUSE IT'S THE REAL DEAL AND YOU CAN'T BUY IT IN STORES UNLESS YOU'RE IN LOUISIANA SO YOU'LL HAVE TO ORDER IT ONLINE. DON'T USE LIGHT ROUX. ALSO ROUX IS PRONOUNCED "ROO" SO STOP SAYING ROWKS YOU UNCOUTH YANKS. PUT YOUR SAUSAGES IN THE FREEZER - IT MAKES IT EASIER TO CUT. A LOT OF PEOPLE ALSO ADD OKRA AND CELERY BUT I LIKE NEITHER SO I LEAVE IT OUT.


FIFTH: OPEN THE ROUX. POUR OUT THE OIL INTO A CUP OR BOWL BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED THAT SHIT LATER TO KEEP YOUR ROUX FROM DRYING OUT.


SIXTH: TAKE A BUTTERKNIFE AND STIR THE ROUX AROUND TO MIX IT UP. IT'LL HAVE THE CONSISTENCY OF COLD CAKE ICING AND WILL SMELL LIKE booty. TAKE A BIG SPOON AND SCOOP OUT ABOUT 2 OR 3 SPOONFULS INTO THE BIGGEST POT YOU OWN. IF YOUR POT IS BIGGER THAN MINE, YOU'LL NEED MORE ROUX.


SEVENTH: POUR WATER IN YOUR POT UP TO ABOUT 3" FROM THE BRIM.


EIGTH: PUT YOUR POT BACK ON THE STOVE AND SET THE BURNER TO HIGH. I RECCOMEND NOT PUTTING THE POT ON TWO BURNERS LIKE I HAVE HERE - I GOOFED UP. TWO BURNERS = TWICE THE HEAT AND WILL BOIL YOUR BROTH DOWN TOO FAST AND YOU WANT ALL YOU CAN GET.


NINTH: TAKE YOUR ROUX SPOON AND KINDA FLATTEN THE SURFACE BACK DOWN THEN POUR THE OIL BACK INTO THE JAR.


TENTH: LET IT COME TO A BOIL. IT'LL START NOT SMELLING LIKE SHIT THE MORE IT COOKS. YOU DON'T NEED TO STIR IT OR ANYTHING. JUST WAIT TIL IT BOILS.


ELEVENTH: GOOD, YOUR GUMBO IS BOILING. BE CAREFUL IT DOESN'T BOIL LIKE THIS FOR LONG OR IT'LL OVERFLOW.


TWELFTH: TURN THE BURNERS TO LOW/MEDIUM HEAT - WHATEVER TEMP IT NEEDS TO BE ON TO BOIL SLOWLY. LET IT BOIL FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES.


THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO GO EAT LUNCH AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE SINCE IT'S AFTER 12 NOW.

WHEN YOU GET BACK, YOU GET TIRED OF WRITING OUT STEPS AND JUST POST PICTURES.


TAKE YOUR BELL PEPPER AND CUT THE CORE/SEEDS OUT, THEN DICE IT INTO LITTLE PIECES. MY KNIVES SUCKED SO I PUT IT INTO A FOOD PROCESSOR AND CHOPPED IT FOR A FEW SECONDS UNTIL IT WAS CHOPPED UP BUT NOT LIQUIFIED.


NEXT, CHOP YOUR ONION. I HAD A BIGASS ONION SO I ONLY USED HALF OF IT. I LIKE MY ONIONS KINDA CHUNKY SO I DICED IT ROUGHLY. I WOULD SAY THAT IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THIS STEP WITHOUT CRYING YOU'RE A PUSSY, BUT I COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS STEP WITHOUT CRYING, SO CRY THE FUCK AWAY.


BACK TO THE POT. NOW IS THE TIME TO SEASON THE ROUX. USE YOUR FAVOURITE SPICY SEASONING. SHAZZA RECCOMENDS TONY CHACHERE'S BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT REAL CAJUNS USE AND IT'S PRETTY daisies AWESOME. ADD TONY'S TO TASTE, DEPENDING ON IF YOU LIKE YOUR SHIT SPICY LIKE A REAL MAN OR MILD LIKE A PUSSY.


THEN YOU ADD SALT UNTIL YOU CAN JUST TASTE IT OR AS SALTY AS YOU WANT IT TO BE.


NOW YOU SHOULD CUT YOUR SAUSAGE. SHAZZA IS USING ANDOULLE SAUSAGE BECAUSE IT'S DELICIOUS. IF YOU'RE MAKING GUMBO FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE (AND YOU USUALLY ARE,) YOU CAN CUT YOUR CIRCLES INTO QUARTERS SO IT'LL GO FURTHER.


NOW PUT YOUR BELL PEPPERS IN THE POT


THEN YOUR ONIONS


THEN YOUR SAUSAGES


THEN ADD CHICKEN UNTIL YOU'RE EITHER OUT OF CHICKEN OR THE POT IS ABOUT TO OVERFLOW. YOU CAN USE WHATEVER CHICKEN PARTS YOU WANT - I USED PRECUT TENDERLOINS BECAUSE FUCK CLEANING A WHOLE CHICKEN.


YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WASH YOUR HANDS NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN HANDLING RAW CHICKEN AND THAT SHIT IS SLIMY AND GROSS.


STIR YOUR GUMBO TO MIX THE INGREDIENTS. I ALSO ADDED A SMALL SPOONFUL OF GARLIC BECAUSE GARLIC IS GOOD.


COVER YOUR GUMBO AND LET IT COOK FOR A LONG TIME ON LOW HEAT. CHECK IT OCCASIONALLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT IT TO COOK DOWN ALL YOUR JUICE.

YOU SHOULD ALSO START COOKING A GOOD AMOUNT OF RICE. SHAZZA WAS MAKING THIS GUMBO FOR HER FRIEND AND HER DAD MADE THE RICE THE NEXT DAY SO IT WOULD BE FRESH. BOIL YOUR RICE HOWEVER YOU WANT UNTIL IT'S THE CONSISTENCY YOU LIKE.


BECAUSE YOU LIVE AT HOME AND ARE A GOOD KID, PICK UP AND PUT AWAY YOUR DIRTY DISHES.


THEN YOU SHOULD WIPE OFF YOUR COUNTERTOPS BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVE CHICKEN ALL OVER THEM.



WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND THE AMAZING SMELL EMANATING FROM YOUR KITCHEN ANY LONGER, PLOP DOWN A BIG PAT OF RICE INTO A BIG BOWL, THEN COVER WITH YOUR DESIRED AMOUNT OF JUICE. IT SHOULD BE PRETTY SOUPY IN GENERAL THOUGH - THE ROUX SHOULDN'T BE THICK LIKE STEW. FEEL FREE TO TROLL OUT ALL THE SAUSAGE AND PISS OFF EVERYONE. GARNISH WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF TABASCO SAUCE AND GUMBO FILÉ. POTATO SALAD MAKES A GOOD SIDE FOR GUMBO, BUT USUALLY IT STANDS AS A MEAL ON ITS OWN.

I DON'T HAVE A PHOTO OF THE FINISHED PRODUCT BECAUSE AGAIN I MADE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND DIDN'T GET TO EAT ANY MYSELF. BUT IT TASTES AWESOME AND IT A PERFECT COLD-WEATHER MEAL THAT'S EASY AND CHEAP TO MAKE.

GUMBO IS bodaciously JUST MAKE SOME ROUX AND TOSS WHATEVER MEAT YOU HAVE INTO IT AND COOK IT. SEAFOOD GUMBO IS ALSO VERY POPULAR IN SOUTH LOUISIANA AND USUALLY CONTAINS SHRIMP, CRAB AND CRAWFISH. YOU CAN ADD WHATEVER YOU WANT. DURING HURRICANE ANDREW IN '92 MY GRANDMA GOT A HUGE IRON VAT AND HAD ALL THE NEIGHBOURS BRING THEIR MEATS THAT WERE GOING BAD AND MADE A BIG STEAK, CHICKEN, SAUSAGE, DEER, PORK, SQUIRREL, POSSUM, RACCOON, RABBIT AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE GUMBO FOR EVERYONE. IT'S VERY VERSATILE AND DELICIOUS.

YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE MADE MORE GUMBO THAN YOU CAN EAT IN ONE MEAL. THIS IS GOOD. GUMBO IS BETTER EVERY SUBSEQUENT DAY SINCE THE MEAT SOAKS IN THE JUICE AND BECOMES EVEN MORE AMAZING.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK REAL GUMBO. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NO LONGER HAVE SHITTY TASTE IN FOOD.

Oh lawdy, that looks delicious, Shazza. If I weren't too sick to buy food, I would totes make some of that.



Oh, right. THIS JUST IN: RIKU IS WAY SICK AND YOU ALL TOTALLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT FROM MY BITCHING IN OTHER THREADS.

muhhhhh

It's primarily a throat and chest (mo' busty, mo' problems) problem for the one and a quarter of you that are concerned.
"But, Auntie Riku," you might be saying, "Whatchu doin' out heah? Take yoself some Robitussin and sleep that shit out."
To which I would reply: "Ah, yes. Here's where I would put my Robitussin, IF I HAD ONE. (and also if all cough medicine didn't make me want to curl up and die because of what it does to my tummy.)"


SO, since I don't know how many of you suffer from either of the aforementioned problems, figured I'd give you my little tea formula that while admittedly less effective than cough syrup, it still does something and will do as a substitute if you need it. Unfortunately, I am also unable to find my camera at the moment. So you just get boring words and a webcam photo.



AIGHT: First, start out with some of your favorite kind of tea (black, green, white, herb, Jesus loves all the colors). I use black. Awwww yeah. (also, you should make sure that any flavors will mesh well with the coming ingredients) Get some ground cloves (or whole ones if you don't have ground, but ground ones steep better.) Squeeze the shit out of a lemon, or just a bottle of lemon juice. And honey. Lots of honey.


Now, boil your water. Microwave it, stove it, use it to cool active uranium, whatever suits your fancy. Leave enough room to put like, 4 tablespoons of stuff in later. Put the cloves in there. How much you use depends on your tolerance of cloves, and how much tea you're making. If you're making an 8-10 oz (235-295 mL) mug of it, then I'd say use about a teaspoon. they'll mostly just sit at the bottom once you're done, don't worry. Then add your tea, and steep it to whatever strength you like. After that, pour in your honey. I'd recommend at least 3 tablespoons, but you can put in as much as you can handle the sweetness of. And finally, add your lemon juice. You should probably use about a tablespoon of it.

After it is to a satisfactory temperature, drink that shit up.

Ginger is good for that shit too. If I remember the properties correctly it's an anti-inflammatory and will soothe upset tummies.

Made a nice Salsa Cheese Chicken the other day.

It was delish.

I should post more recipes here.

I should too.

As soon as I have time to cook something more complex than an omelet.

I made delicious thai chicken yesterday.

You take your chicken pieces, whatever you like, I use the legs cause they're so soft and juicy.

You boil them in hot water for about 20 minutes until they're done. That draws out a lot of the grease, which is good.

While they cool off, you mix
some cilantro (it says fresh but I only had it as powder, I used 3 tea spoons),
2 tea spoons of tumeric powder,
1 tea spoon freshly ground pepper,
1 tea spoon salt
1 tea spoon sugar
4 minced garlic cloves
2 table spoons of your favourite chili sauce (I used 3 because the cilantro was powdered instead of fresh)
in a blender or a mortar and make it into a nice smooth paste.

When the chicken is cooled off, you smear the stuff all over those bad boys and put them in the fridge for half an hour.

Then you just fry them in some oil until they're brown and put them on some kitchen roll to make you feel like you're less of a fatass than you are.