AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Oh... a water route...
Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't see it coming, considering I just got the Surf HM.


And, naturally enough, none of my Pokemon can learn Surf.

I do have to wonder WHAT HM moves my Pokemon can know...


Yes yes, add another Pokecenter visit to the total count.


Hoorah, the notlectric eel is useful to me now!


I...
Wait a second, how is that eel able to carry me anyway?


I mean look at that thing! Its about the size of my foot, for crying out loud! What, am I meant to use it like Rollerskates? Eelerskates?


Seriously, I'm 20 times its own weight and it's able to carry me perfectly! With strength like that, I have gotta try this bay out in battle sometime!



Really? I thought it was "A man of the sea is a man who loves playing Poker".

Also, Sea man. Hurr.


I... feel... a little bad now. I mean, decimating that cute cuddly face thing there.

Ah well. May his soul burn in the eternal flames of hell and whatnot.


Rock? But this is a sea route! I think you're in the wrong place again.


This game is full of bugs!


What... is that?
I mean, it looks like a ball... with magnets and screws attached...
And a googly eye?

Look, it's a bad sign when you're actually MAKING Pokemon out of general scrap items! Try to be serious here, can we?



Oh crap that slug is HUUUGE! I mean, it puts your mamma to shame!


There ya have it. Fat slugs beat skinny beauties any day!


I... didn't actually use False Swipe to get it to that low health. Although I really should have...


Seriously, look at that thing! Imagine just walking out into your garden one day to find a 3 foot slug eating your roses! What the hell are you supposed to do against a beast like that?


It terrorises greenhouses everywhere in Tokyo!


Aw crap! It's a lone piece of land unreachable except through another sea journey, and there's two trainers guarding it... but there's an itemball on it! I MUST GET THE ITEMBALL, AT ALL COSTS!


What you need is a Poochyena!


What?


That's not a Poochyena, that's... some sort of... tadpole fish?

Either way, it sure isn't a cat!


Long story short: he had a lot of those. Can you spell "Bidoof Strategy"?


Shout! Shout as loud as you can! As if you're married!


I'm honestly confused as to how simple fishermen somehow come into possession of giant freaking eels! It makes no sense!



That... that's it? Just one Hyper Potion? Geezus, I lost more health than the Potion can give just fighting those two!
...lets go back.



OH FRACK, A TENTACOOL! They're like the Zubats of the sea!
Only, with deadly poison instead of just confusion!


They're also pretty darn weak. And man does False Swipe really help with catching them Pokes!


It, too, shall be stuffed in the PC. But not alone, because I'll be damned if I don't end up catching dozens of these guys by the end of the adventure!

I mean, these guys practically walk into the Pokeballs!


Oh wow, that's a first! A water Pokemon that's, y'know, actually made of water!


GODDAMN JELLYFISH!


I don't really know when it happened that every route I come across only takes up one episode, followed by about eight episodes in a city.


Oh hey, it's you.... that guy... who I totally remember!


Ah right.

How does it feel knowing that your daughter is regularly getting it on with your boss anyway?




Can I bang her?


Oh, so now it can do stuff like have databanks of Pokemon that other people with Pokedexes caught? I mean, it's not like I'm the only one who uses a Pokedex, right?


Right?


Ah god damned NPCs, do you ever do anything except walk in circles and fight strangers?!


So that's, what, 45 episodes after I left Rowan's lab? You must have been waiting around for quite some time!


...

OH WHAT A FANTABULOUS UPDATE! Now I can actually do stuff like look at gender differences!

Because, y'know, I always wanted to have an everlasting image of Pikachu tits!



Oh hey, this is like the guard thing from Kanto! Y'know, the four guards that are always thirsty, but apparently a single bottle of water can hydrate all of them for an eternity?


And here's the water!
Here, you can have it.


....yes, I know. That's why I'm giving you the water.
You do actually want it, right?


...
Yeah, I'm gonna go now...


Ah, he probably just won't take it because he doesn't have anything to give me in return. NPCs generally don't understand the concept of getting stuff for free.


And voila, a city! If this place is as predictable as the last ones, I'll be having all my updates here for the next week or so...

Hm? Using Surf to ride animals that are much smaller than you? How amusing. Someone should make a comic about that.

ALREADY DONE.

Also, you're short, Plas. Seriously, I'm twelve and I'm like 5'5.

OMG WTFF WHO STOL MY IDEA??!!!!

Isn't the main character of Pokemon games supposed to be only ten years old? At least, Ash Ketchum was.

Although, I don't know any ten year olds who wear scarves and berets. Maybe in France.

I always assumed even the weakest Pokemon were way more powerful than humans in every way. This also neatly explains why everyone fights through Pokemon instead of actual weapons.

What
A
Midget.
When I was twelve, I was about a foot higher than you!

Leprechaun!

Yeah. When you're on your back!




Your Foofa's so fat that...


But Red, the main character of Gen1, was 11. He was the only hero to have a confirmed age.

Took me a while to get the fat-joke.

Site was down. Fortunately, I was working on updates anyway.

So let's start this episode with-

McPants...

Y'know what, just skip this episode. Go on, skip it. Any update with McPants in it is never a good one!


Wait what? We're battling now?

Oh yeah, I forgot that just about anything said is an introduction for a battle...


Who... err.. what... um...

That's a bird?
Well, it looks like a bird. With an emo hairstyle. And elf ears.
I think its a bit confused as to what social niche its meant to be copying!


TAKE THAT, EMO BIRD! That's what you get for... wanting to... die.


Well crap.


Its an effing Blissey! It's practically invincile to Special attacks! Why would it need light screen?!


Huh huh huh. Check it out. My bug's horny.


Y'know what, I think its time I consider level grinding...


Machineria was the inspiration for Johnny Cash's lyrics.



THAT FUCKING PENGUIN! IS FUCKING MASSIVE!


What?
The hell?

A Hyper Beam did that little damage?


WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MONSTER MADE OF?!


It killed him.

And then it's going to kill me.

Oh my gooooooood.


Just about all of my moves would kill him in one go! Even Overheat, because the benefit of water is nullified by his steel type.


I can just imagine what it must have been like when designing starter Pokemon.
"Hey boss, we did some tests and found out that Empoleon can beat Infernape in a fair fight!"
"Then make Empoleo Steel! Double weakness to both of his nemesis' types, and the steel attacks only do 1/2 damage against it! That'll teach them to pick That Fucking Penguin!"


M-M-M-MONSTER KILL!


I... knocked it out. Made it collapse. When all it did was want to pulverize me for undisclosed reasons...
Am... am I the real monster here?



Second last Pokemon. He finally got enough common sense to field five beasts this time!


Wh- Wh- WHAT?! A level 35 Rapidash?! That thing isn't meant to evolve for another 5 levels!

OMG U FUKKEN HAXXOR!


I only have one useful Pokemon at the moment, and I'm not afraid to admit it!


Looks like that king's horse couldn't put Roosevelt together again!

[/lame joke]


Are... you trying to toast a microwave?

NO! You'll overcook the HellPeas!


Looks like I've cooked the horse enough!


A... match against a Barboach is a tight spot?


Hahaha, yeah, as if Barboach could win that one! I mean, all he can do is carry something several times his own weight with ease! How pathetic can ya get?


Y'know, if flowers are used to represent love... then I think I just found out why I don't have a girlfriend!


Can anyone spot where this plot is going to take us next? Eh? Anyone at all?



This... is never where the plot is. But it's all good!


Why did I give PsyGuy a Big Root? Well, y'see, a big root makes his punches heal him twice as much!
Logic at work.



Y'kow, PsyGuy is a natural Fonzie! He punches stuff to heal or repair stuff!


Really? I thought I just read it...


I bet if you use strength on the door, a mew appears!


I bet if you use strength on this boat, a mew appears!


I bet if you use strength on- OH FUK NO! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY POKEMON!



Hey. Do you have any books on How To Find The Plot?


...a library with a TV? I thought libraries were meant to be quiet places!


Yeah. Apparently, they also have TVs here too!


In the beginning, there was the American education system!


OH SNAP! GameFreak provides the ultimate answer to the "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" question!


What?

Umm, sorry Barboach, but this book says I should rip out your bones and clean them from flesh! No hard feelings, right?


GameFreak apparently have their own answers to other life questions.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"You see, when a living person, or creature, dies, its bones are cleaned and put back where they were found. Then, the person comes back to life, but as a baby!"
"So what does the Stork do then?"
"There is no Stork; only Zuul!"


Wow! That must make him very popular with the ladies!
:awesome:


Umm... I don't know you, don't know where that place is, don't intend on paying you, and honestly doubt that I'd be able to fit into that teeny tiny boat... but okay!


FWOOSH! The lue lines represent water!


And now I am at... some place. I'm rather confused as to how the plot is supposed to have joureyed out this far though...

I have a beard like Byron.
Come and get me ladies!

Okay. ;D

Giggity

GUEST COMMENTATOR TIME! This one was done by TheZink.


There's... just... a house? Who lives in the middle of a barren rocky island?


Apparently, noone!
Okay, so there's just a completely random house out in the middle of nowhere... with its lights and television left on.

This sounds like a SEARCH QUEST!



SEARCH QUEST COMPLETE! He was right next to the place.

And I wish people would stop asking me that, I still can't reply to them!

Quit whining and just answer

Umm... Dude?


Well, I didn't actually mean as in that it's my name... but how can you hear me anyway? Its sorta creepy.

I have these amazing things called "ears". How do you THINK I hear you?

Well, the last person I met that could talk to me seemed to use some sort of ESP, and-

Wait, are you trying to bribe me into shutting up?

No, but now that you mention it, it sounds like an excellent idea


The move... strength? Isn't that more of a... quality of muscle composition, as opposed to an actual move? What next, a move called "Be Smarter" or "Win At Football"?


Just make sure you at least TRY to suppress the ridiculously large amount of idiocy I can sense from you. I don't want to have to babysit you.

Is that meant to be a joke about my intelligence or an insult to my weight?

Little of both, actually. But mostly your intelligence.


Huh. I would've thought it was called Iron Island because of a lot of iron deposits, not because people like to put flipping iron girdirs down randomly!

And where'd that weird guy go anyway? I went in straight after him.


You like to camp... deep within caves on barren islands far from land?


A water type? But this is a rocky island with a lot of iron, you're not meant to have a water type!
C'mon game, you're meant to be an RPG! Focus already!


Oh yes. It wouldn't be a cave if it didn't have plenty of... animated rocks.


Punch! Punch that rock! Show it no mercy!


A... Protector? You mean like, for a pocket?


Yeah... umm..... huh? What... why would anyone want to use this thing?


Even the map is confused as to what that thing is!


GODDAM BATS 2: The Return of the Bastards!


And, of course, there are Onix. I don't know what the hell they're doing here, considering they're still ultimately pathetic!


Yes well, I didn't actually catch one back at the start of the game.


It... eats Gravelers?

Okay, so so far, this island consists of giant snakes that eat other Pokemon, giant bats that eat other Pokemon, and... killer rocks.
I'd hate to be responsible for the tourism board on this island!


It's a giant, hard, horny snake! This game has way too many innuendoes.


AAAH FUCK WHAT?! THAT ROCK JUST KILLED ITSELF AT THE FIRST SIGN OF DANGER!

How the hell does their species still exist?!



Spontaneous trainer battle, with a giant Pikachu.


Spontaneous failure with a giant Pikachu!


Spontaneous overkill with a giant Pikachu! Fuck yeah!


And she FINALLY learns Psychic! One of the more powerful poves out there, as it has 90 power and a 10% chance of lowering the opponent's Special Defence by 1/3.


I thought Pokemon were always restless. I mean, they always seem to just jump straight at me whenever I get nearby!

Maybe you're the reason they're restless. You are, after all, kind of getting on MY nerves


Oh what? First, other people get the ability to stop me just by looking at me, now they're practically Pokemon Centers?! Everyone is a bloody cheating bastard in this game!

It's one of the super powers that comes with being an NPC, like being able to be anywhere at any given time.


Wait, why? Do you do what Onix does and try eat them or something?

It would explain a lot, considering his weight


Right. Umm... by any chance, when you were young, did you eat a steam train or something? Or far too much gasoline?

You handle this. I'd rather not waste my time dealing with this idiot.

What? You are the worst doubles partner ever!

Just be grateful that I'm helping at all.

Yeah. Helping to drive me insane!


These rockhead guys were a novelty at first, but now they're just annoying. Why does he field such a weak Pokemon anyway?

They probably make him feel better about his intelligence. And appearence. And pretty much everything about him, really.


Wh-h-h-HAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?! ITS FUCKING MASSIVE! AND I DON'T MEAN GASTRODON MASSIVE EITHER! HOW CAN IT EVEN FIT IN THIS CAVE?!

Calm down, it's just an Onix. Except it's been coated with nearly impenetrable metal armor.

Oh. Well that makes them a lot less threatening.


OH FUCK MY EYES! IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ON FIRE! Only with sand instead of flames, of course. But still, MOTHER OF FUCK!

Maybe you should try using these magic little devices called eyelids.


There's... a star system in a cave? Where'd that come from?

I'm more surprised at the fact your pokemon can heal itself just by sort of "wanting" it enough.

Of course! You just need to BELIIEEEVE!


If that's the case, I wonder how he goes about climbing himself.

"I'm a little confused as to why, if he climbs mountains, he's currently exploring underground in a cave. ...He really did have too much gasoline to drink, didn't he?

Don't think too hard about it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that other people rarely make sense or have any intelligence whatsoever. And yes, that includes you.

Yeah, people sure are stupid! I- wait, what?


Oh hey, you actually did heal my Pokemon! ....well, I hope you like wandering by yourself, I'm going back to look through the other corridors for stuff!


'm always willing to help those lesser than me, even if it's extremely painful. Like it is in your case.

Aww... what a nice guy! I mean, aside from being a bastard and all that.


You're... meant to be John Lennin?



Another metal trinket. I might keep this one locked up ony my mantelpiece!


Hear that kids? Eat enough spoons and you'll get metal skin!


I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEELIX!



Oh yeah. It's the action bomb! Explodes at the first sign of movement!

Although I will say it's rather funny to just go walking by, when suddenly BOULDER EXPLOSIONS AAAAAH!


These rock snakes simply do not learn their lesson, do they?


GIANT BEAM OF... normality?

How do normal Pokemon have a huge boost using moves like Hyper Beam anyway? I mean what, "Perfectly Ordinary Beam: not operable by punks, emos, goths, or upstanding members of society"?


Oh wow, Onix really is weak when it gets OHKO'd by a resistant attack!


My Pokemon are finally catching up on level with Machineria! Wootironary!


That's... that's it. The reward for this entire side-path is... a Star Piece? Its useless, it doesn't even give invincibility!

Ugh... you know, reading this again, I made Riley sound just slightly too much like Cheryl...

I wish I had done a better job...

Edit: Never mind. I re-read the part with Cheryl, it turns out I made Riley act very different. Thank god for that. I hate when I subconsciously rip things off. It happens a lot, too.