AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Yeah, I know. I've read the CWCki thoroughly. I just think it's the weirdest thing that he decided to take that event and make it a character. Events and characters are usually not interchangeable! It's weird. I've become so familiar with Chris that nearly nothing about him shocks me anymore, and everything else just seems "par for the course" for good ol' Christopher Christianson. And yet, to this very day, I cannot wrap my mind about how he conceived of the character Count Graduon.

I guess maybe it's because I feel like turning an event into a character requires too much creativity for Chris.

In my opinion, it says a lot about himself if you look at it deeply enough. Almost kind of tragic, really.

So, I think I left off on my Chris history around the time the Julie Saga started in 2009.

This saga had four major events, not including the JULAAAAY, JULAAAY tape:

-"I'm a gaaaaaaaaaaaaay......bian. A male lesbian"
-Bob Walks In
-The Ohio trip
-A thirteen year old boy makes Chris his bitch for an hour

Which ones do you want to hear about? Pretty much everything is ridiculous.

The Ohio trip.
Only one I haven't heard of.

I want to hear about the 13 year old

Right.

Near the end of the saga, Julie's evil older brother brother Max "spirited her away to HQ". Chris was given a five day ultimatum to come to a particular address in Cleveland and pick Julie up.

Chris's main concerns were his lack of funds(it was the end of the month and he usually blows his tugboat within the first week) and the fact that Barb thought Julie was working for Chris Hansen. Chris was eventually convinced that there was no trap waiting for him. After attending his aunt's funeral(which fell on his birthday), where he claimed to have had a vision of all of his ancestors wishing him a safe trip to Ohio. Barb also gave him $50 dollars for his birthday, which was part of the reason Chris delayed his departure.

Chris left at 5:30 AM on February 25th. He didn't tell his parents, but he did leave behind a note and a map of his planned trip. Chris managed to make it to the Ohio Turnpike before he locked himself out of his car and had to get help. Once Chris got to Cleveland, he called his parents and found out that they'd filed a missing persons report due to a semi-rational fear that he'd get himself killed.

Chris eventually reached the address, and discovered that "HQ" was the home of an elderly black lady. After realizing that Julie was not there, Chris turned around and went back to Virginia, and once he got home his parents threatened to change the locks if he ever tried to travel out of town again. The whole trip left Bob and Barb paranoid about letting Chris go anywhere, to the point that he had to go and meet Kacey in secret, and he never once told them about Jackie.


Well, after the Ohio Trip, Chris gave Julie his PSN password.

Naturally, this now meant that a thirteen year old boy had the account. "Max" promptly took the account for himself, and since Chris used the same username/password for everything he lost a few other accounts as well.

Max called Chris up and gave him a choice--he could have Julie and let Max sell the PSN on eBay, or he could give Chris his account back and sent Julie back to her homeland, out of Chris's reach forever.

Chris assumed that this was one of those things where the guy is only pretending to give you a Sadistic Choice as a Secret Test of Character, and if you pick the morally just option he'll laugh and give you both. So naturally, he picked Julie. When Max said "Okay then, say goodbye to your PSN", Chris's brain short-circuited and he began to beg for the PSN back as well. After half an hour or so of Max dangling the account in front of Chris(who was screaming and crying and showing more emotion than he'd ever shown for any living creature the whole time), Max agreed to give him the account if he destroyed his Sonichu medal in one of two ways. He could either set it on fire or cut it apart and shove the pieces up his pooper. Chris didn't know if there were any matches in his house, and he was too lazy to go out and buy some, so he opted to put things in his butt.

A few hours later "Julie" revealed herself to be Max mid-sentence, which according to Chris was the second worst thing that has ever happened to him.

.....sometimes I wonder how this guy's still alive...... daisies you natural selection for not doing your job....

Well it's not like his genes are going anywhere.

Which does oddly does offer some comfort.... :3

His brother has another father, and seems to be normal, so that wouldn't be too bad.

Bob has two other kids as well. One's an eye doctor and the other is a math major working for the federal government. Cole is a bit meh, but he's still got something like a life.

From what I know, Bob's family breeds success and in fact carries amazingly good genes. According to Bob, everyone in his family lived past the age of 90. Bob's diet of fast food and tv dinners only shaved six years off of his life, and he managed to survive five heart attacks.

As for Barb...well, let's just say that Chris's maternal grandfather died in a wagon accident. In 1955.


Now, on an unrelated topic, I should mention that Julie did get Chris to begin work on Sonichu 9. He drew a few pages for her, and it's suggested that Chris was going to put Julie into the comic as his girlfriend. However, the Julie Saga ended and this idea was scrapped in favor of Ivy, the next Sweetheart. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The end of the Julie Saga deeply affected Chris. He almost certainly made a third Sonichu medal to replace the one he'd lost, but he didn't wear it until the first of May for reasons unknown. It's possible that he was afraid of another troll making him shove the medal up his booty. As such, there was a two week period where trolls had to convince Chris to get back onto the internet. Clyde Cash informed him that he had "assassinated" Bluespike, and the "President of UVA's Sonichu Fanclub", Emily, asked to meet Chris in person.

Chris wanted to go, and Bob was certain that Emily meant no ill will. Barb refused out of paranoia, and the resulting conflict caused Chris to miss their first date. Eventually, Barb caved and Bob went with Chris to meet Emily. Emily was wearing a wire, and spent an hour or so talking to Chris and Bob(mainly Bob). Only a few minutes of video exist, but from what we can see Chris kept inching his chair closer and closer to Emily. This went on until one of Emily's friends, clad in a pickle suit, walked over and got her to walk away with him. Chris spent most of their conversation desperately trying to not stress-shit his pants. I'm not embellishing that, he told Ivy about this and he was apparently immensely proud of how he didn't crap himself. I think that later that night, a troll by the name of Bryan Bash sent hookers to Chris's house to help him with his virginity problem. Bob and Barb called the police while Chris cried and hid behind them.

That scared him back onto the internet, where one of Emily's friends, Ivy, asked him to do a shoutout. Chris concluded that they were in a relationship, and so the Ivy Saga began.

It's like UltraBidoof is an old granpa telling us bedtime stories

Grandpappy Bidoof tells the best stories.

Thanks to Ivy, by April 12th 2009 Chris had finished Episode 19.

Now, the time has come.

And so it begins.