AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Honey and syrup

What madness is this

Diabetes.

Making bread. expect A How-to of deliciousness in a day or something like that. Cause oops Mac's dont support SD cards. :U

going to be posting a how-to soon

STAY TUNED

Death.

I'm allergic to honey ._.

princess brothel you are no longer the prettiest girl

i'm disappoint

also since i am a huge lazy bitch i will get around to the how to sometime today when i don't have a piano recital or homework

Alright kids, I may not be your Uncle, Father, Brother, or related to you in any way SOON., but I'm here to teach you fuckers how to cook something that's so goddamn easy that all of you should be able to do it in your sleep.

Yes, even Trygve.

We're going to make the best goddamn white chili ever. "But Mr./Dr./Lover/Bitchface Kamak, what IS white chili?" It's shut your goddamn mouth, that's what it is.

GODDAMN.

Well, now that that's out of my system, let's begin.



The key to any culinary victory starts with a clean counter. And when I say clean, I mean SPOTLESS. I don't care if your grandma keeps her priceless Fabergé eggs on the counter. You clear that counter with as much excessive force as you need to. Maybe next time grandma will learn to keep her shit out of the battle zone.

Now, we need to get everything together. We could move them all, but here's a trick I discovered from working in a kitchen. All you need to do is say 5 words.

I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASK- No, wait, those aren't the words.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force, assemble!



Bam. Look at all of that shit. It's like magic. Now, let's inspect the goods.



Alright, so we have some tabasco sauce, chili powder, ground cumin, 2 onions, a stick of butter, some half and half, and a container of flour. That looks promising.



Over here we have 3 cans of navy beans, 2 cans of diced green chilies, salt, a small frying pan, and a pot on the stove. Wonderful, just as long as the chicken is-

Oh god.

You motherfucker.



You see kids, this is an important lesson for all of you. Don't let women buy chicken for you. Usually I don't bother with getting chicken with the skin or the bones, because while they do make the stock richer, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and ultimately, they're more work than just plain breasts.

I foresee some burns coming my way, only time will tell whether I'm truly psychic or not.

Now that we have the team together...

Wash your goddamn hands. I was going to include a picture, but if you fuckers haven't learned this shit by now then it's pointless for me to illustrate it again.



Fill your pot halfway with warm water...



And start getting it boiling on the stove. This is where the magic begins.

Alright, let's time ourselves. There's a clock over on the microwave over there and-

Oh.



This brings back memories I thought I had forgotten long ago. Tales of a earnest man who accomplished much, and the bitter disappointment that awaited him when he was told that he could tap dance no more.

But that, my friends, is a tale for another day.

Alright, so what time is it?



No. Bad microwave. I should have never let you watch modern cartoons. There's a VHS with 5 hours of Courage the Cowardly Dog waiting for you.



Much better. Wonder if Old Man Oak needs to wake up yet...

But enough time wasting. We need to get back to our cooking.



When the water gets hot, salt it, then toss in 3-4 breasts of chicken. I like more chicken in my chili because I'm a man, but if you can't handle that much manliness, then you can use less. However, I will never think of you the same way again. Bear that in mind.



Now cover those breasts up! What would the neighbors think if you left your breasts uncovered? This isn't France, you know.

Onto round 2.



You need a cutting board and an appropriate blade for slaying the most foul of demons.

It is a mighty beast that makes men cry in shame. The mere mention of it makes many a mortal cringe. This may be your last battle ever if you don't take it seriously. I will show you how to defeat... the onion.

First you-



Huh. Well, that wasn't so bad.

Oh, you didn't catch any of that? Okay ladies. This time, pay attention.

But first, time for some fanservice.



Look, they're getting all... steamy.

And somewhere, Snarf is now touching himself.

Anyways, back to the terrifying task at hand.



Cut one of the two heads off of the beast. At this point, there is no turning back, it has begun to spray it's acidic venom into the air, and soon you will be dead.

You must quickly peel the outer skin off, as that is not appetizing and is difficult to do if you proceed without doing so.



Do not approach the other head yet. At this time, you need to start weakening the beast before it can retaliate fully. Quick chops almost all the way down helps this. If the beast falls apart, it means more work will need to be done, and with that venom in the air, we don't have time for any more work.



Going from either side to the center, start cutting again, making little squares. Cut the center after you've cut bother sides, or you risk losing a finger going straight across. The beast's venom is almost too much at this point, but you're almost there!

Now, the nest part was too graphic to post, but I will tell you of the deed. Turn the beast on it's side and slice it all the way through, cutting it into segments. If you do this right, the segments will fall into cubes, rendering the beast unable to attack. Finally, once you reach the head, toss it away into the trash. This beast won't claim another man on this day!



Collect the flesh in a pan and prepare to cook it.

But wait, that pan looks a bit too small. Hmm...



That's better, and the butter made it to the party. Now, as you may know, some people think there's a 2 stick minimum to every recipe. Do you know what I think of your two stick minimum? I think you hate America. Only communist bastards would hoard an excess amount of butter in their bodies to deprive others of the wonders it brings.

Don't believe me? Listen to this communist propaganda:



You will be a true American and use one stick, not two.



Let the stick melt and use a spatula to move the onions around. Set the heat low so they cook slowly, your attention is needed elsewhere at the moment.



So, we meet again. Time for you kids to get into the pool. Where you will be COOKED ALIVE.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-hem. Anyways, you're all getting into that crockpot and there's not a goddamn thing you can do to stop it.



First, pour half of the half and half, or in other words, pour an eighth.



Just look at it.



All of that white power. It's sickening. That's why you're in hell first. But they don't seem to be suffering much... we should fix that.



Half a tablespoon of Chili powder ought to liven them up.



Rejoice in the pain you've caused, but not for too long.



Another half a tablespoon of ground cumin. Do NOT use whole cumin seeds in this unless you like your chili to have the texture of wet sand.



Now add a good dose of pepper into the mix. I feel like there's a black joke in here somewhere, but I don't have time for it now.



A teaspoon of tabasco sauce, and you're down with the small fries.



What's that can? You're sorry you said those things about me? Well that's sweet of you, but the governor hasn't pardoned you for those heinous crimes you committed in the supermarket. Looks like it's the can opener for you.

And don't worry, your friend will join you soon.



Little Note: If there's starchy fluid at the top of the can, drain as much of it out as you can by simply tilting the can. You want the flavors to sing in the beginning and that slime doesn't help.



Who's the big man now, huh? Remember when I told you I'd open you last?

... Well, I guess you are last.



Get your booty into the goddamn pot.



And you.

No, not yet. I want you to just stay right there. Think about what happened to your friends. And keep in mind...

Memento Mori.



Hmm... This needs stirring.



This is halfway done.



These are juuuuuust right.



Take them out maggots.



Look at all of that flour. Surely we're going to be making something grand with all of this. Maybe an archway made out of a single twisted breadstick, or maybe a bread bowl for the chili...



Oh man. We're going to do so much scooping...



Wait.



That's it? A roux?

Anyways folks, once the onions are done, pour the flour in there and work it around. It doesn't have to be a perfect roux, but no clumps of flour should be present.



And now we bid the demons farewell on their journey to hell.



And the pan meets a watery doom.

Remember our crockpot and how it wasn't stirred?

One stirring montage later:



Isn't it wonderful.

But I can't help but feel it's missing something...



Oh right the chicken. Wow, that came off the bone all by itself. Also, for some reason, my fingertips are hurting.



And the bones went back to take a soak. No peeking.

Now to cut the chicken.



Half of the chicken should be chopped into small 1cm cubes. These will fall apart during the cooking process and be good eats. The other half should be chopped into 2cm cubes (or a little less than a cubic inch). These will remain as solid chunks, and while they'll be firm, at the slightest pressure, they will fall apart in your mouth, like little baby.



Clean your cutting board, you won't need it anymore (you're also advised to clean it before you use it to begin with and after you've cut the onions, but I forgot to take pictures).



I love it when a plan comes together.

But we need one last thing.



Yeah, let's throw the bones in there.

No wait, that's stupid. Bad camera. You were looking at the wrong thing.



More bones? How is that going to work when we didn't want bones to begin with?



There we go. some nice homemade stock will help thin out that chili enough for it to cook down later.



Mmm... isn't that scrumptious?



What lurks beneath the surface?



Needs more white power.



Have the screams ended?

Sorry little can, but your time still isn't upon you yet. I need you to live in fear for awhile. You'll make this all the sweeter.



And now, my part is done. It is up to the crockpot to do the rest, until I awaken tomorrow.



And this all happened in 65 minutes.

Not even Jack Bauer could accomplish as much as I have in that time span. I truly am a god among men.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of... this.

That's a lot of butter.

Are you calling me a communist?

;u; Kamak.

kaaamaaak.

Cook me dinner some night.

I know how to cook.

Way to insult me.

My salmon would send you to a different world.

Yeah, the afterworld.

Of course. You'll kill yourself when you realize you will never taste something as good as that again.

The food of gods will taste like shit compared to your salmon.