AWKWARD ZOMBIE

What are you when you have to go to the bathroom?
[spoiler]You're Russian.[/spoiler]
And what are you when you're in the bathroom?
[spoiler]European.[/spoiler]

And what are you when you're out of the bathroom?
[spoiler]You're Finnish.[/spoiler]

Bob and Sam, both in their sixties are fishing on a boat, a funeral procession is going on on an overhead bridge, Sam stands up and takes off his hat. Bob says, "Wow Sam, I didn't know you were so respectful". Sam says, "That was my wife, we've been married for fourty years".

Wait, so is his wife dead?

I'm not sure, I just saw it in the second opening to Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, I thought it was weird so I put it here.

Anything Weegee related counts as a bad joke.

What did Ryu tell Ken when he said he couldn't uppercut well?
[spoiler]Shoryuken.[/spoiler]

Such dickery.

Anyways, there was the old man who loved to gamble, and he won every bet he ever made. He was rich due to this, but for some reason, he never paid his taxes. Well, he got in trouble with the IRS, so they wanted to talk to him.

The old man goes to the tax collector's office with his lawyer. He approaches the tax collector and the lawyer sits back and watches. The tax collector is about to talk to him, but the old man cuts him off. "Listen," he says, "I'd like to make a bet with you. I'll bet you five-hundred dollars that I can bite my eye."

The tax collector chuckles at him and says, "You've got a deal."

So, the old man pulls out his glass eye, nibbles on it, and pops it back into his head. The lawyer starts looking pretty dumb. "I'll let you off easy," the old man says. "I'll make another bet; double or nothing. I bet you that I can bite my other eye." The tax collector accepts.

So, the old man pops out his false teeth and nibbles on his other eye. "Okay, really, I'll strike you another bet. Triple or nothing, just 'cause I like you. I bet you that I can stand on your desk, and pee into that." He points to a trash can about twenty feet away from the desk.

The tax collector agrees, confident that he'll win this one.

The old man hobbles on top of his desk and starts whizzing all over it. "Yes!" the tax collector yelled. "You crazy old man, I've beaten you!" He looks over to the lawyer, who is on the verge of tears. "Hey, what's the matter? I won, you should be pop flyin'!"

"No," the lawyer says. "I'm not."

"Why?" he asks.

"He bet me six grand that he could piss on your desk and make you like it."

What's the difference between a raven and a crow? Well, a crow has five pinions, whereas a raven has four. So really, it's just a matter of opinion.

Aww yeah.

Why do programmers celebrate Halloween on Christmas day?
Because Dec 25 is the same as Oct 31.




I'm just after confusing 95% of everyone here, haven't I?

Is that something to do with polygons?

Decagon/Decahedron 25 or Octagon/Octahedron 31?

No... and I'm honestly confused as to why you'd think that would be funny. Or make sense.




Well, to explain the joke... Dec stands for Decimal (counting in base 10), and Oct stands for Octal (counting in base 8 ). 25 base 10 is equal to 31 base 8.

A wall of text draws near!
Command?
_Fight
_Run
>Hope there's a tl;dr

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So there's this little kid, named Billy. One day Billy's at school using the restroom when he notices writing on the wall that says "the Purple Passion." Confused, he finished his business and returns to the class, whereupon he asks his teacher, "Mrs. Smith, what's the Purple Passion?" His teacher glares at him, face pale with shock. Without a word she hauls him off to to the principal.

When they arrive, the prinicpal asks, "What's the problem here?" to which Billy responds, "I don't know, I just wanted to know what the Purple Passion was!" Well, before Billy knows it he's being kicked out the door, with the principal roaring, "We'll have none of that in MY school! Get the hell out!"

Hurt and still confused, Billy makes his way home, hoping his parents will help him. His mother's home, and asks, "Why are you home early?" "Well," he responds," the principal kicked me out of school because I asked my teacher what the Purple Passion was." His mother chokes up and cries, angrily sending Billy to his room. Later that night his father comes home and is sent to Billy's room to find out what's what.

"What's the trouble, sport?" He asks, to which a flustered Billy answers, "Well, mom sent me to my room after I told her that the principal kicked me out of school because I asked my teacher what the Purple Passion was." With that his father whips out his belt, spanking the crap out of Billy before kicking him out onto the cold streets. "I thought we raised you better than that, but I was wrong!" he yelled, slamming the door.

Cold and bruised, Billy wanders his way downtown, where he meets a bum sitting next to a fire. "Why so glum, boy?" asks the smelly hobo, offering him a seat. "I don't know! My dad just beat me and kicked me out on the street after my mom sent me to my room after I told her that the principal kicked me out of school because I asked my teacher what the Purple Passion was." To this the homeless man roars in outrage, whipping out a knife and stabbing Billy to death...

...at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets out dead and quite upset Billy. "Welcome to Heaven, son. Tell me, though, how did you get here?" Billy trembles, angry tears streaking down his face. "Some bum stabbed me after my dad beat me and kicked me out on the street after my mom sent me to my room after I told her that the principal kicked me out of school because I asked my teacher what the Purple Passion was." St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but Heaven's the wrong place for you."

Before he knows it, Billy's falling through the clouds and lands abruptly deep below the Earth by a lake of fire. Satan lets out a hearty chuckle, "Welcome to Hell, sinner! Nothing can prepare you for your torment!" Billy's had enough and stands up to the Devil, almost screaming, "Oh yeah? Well Saint peter just threw me out of Heaven even though some bum stabbed me after my dad beat me and kicked me out on the street after my mom sent me to my room after I told her that the principal kicked me out of school because I asked my teacher what the Purple Passion was! Do your worst!"

Satan blinks, then grins." The Purple Passion? They never told you what it was?" "No!' bellows the kid. "Do you want to know?" "Yes!" "Really?" "I do!" "Are you sure?" "I'm in a Hell now, I deserve to know!" "I suppose you do," says Satan with a serious nod.

"The Purple Passion is a really long joke with no punchline."

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tl;dr :awesome:

This made me rage, I needed a punchline god damnit.