AWKWARD ZOMBIE

NOTICE (3/19/09): I've been thinking about this for a while, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that this isn't a guide, but rather a shallowly disguised rant. Merlin's right. This topic is not helpful or practical in any way, shape, or form. While it does mention several frustrations felt by some of the forum users, it ultimately adds to the problem instead of being a part of the solution. I'm hereby placing the "guide" within spoiler tags so that people do not accidentally take it as gospel, but I'm refraining from deleting this entire post for the sake of context. Remember, I am only one person. My opinion has no more merit than the next, and I am in no position to be speaking authoritatively.






[spoiler]A GUIDE TO FORUM ETIQUETTE.

-Back by popular demand, because it was long overdue and somebody had to say it. I think that all of us (myself included) have gotten sick of the surge of noobs coming in from god-knows where. This is for you, newcomers. Read it, and if you follow it, then you won't wonder why nobody why nobody wants to talk to you.

1. Generally, when before one joins a community, one absorb its unique culture and get a feel for the place before posting. This is called "lurking," and I sure as hell did it before I joined. Additionally you want to get a sense for what is and is not acceptable within the forum, as well as what is a good topic to post. The problem is that we have every Tom, Dick, and Harry coming in and creating a topic that serves no purpose and clearly had absolutely no thought put into it, usually never consisting of anything deeper/funnier than "HAI GUISE HOW R U LOL" You know that one kid within your group of friends that nobody really likes and wants to hang out with? Yeah, that's you.

2. When joining a forum, existing members expect you to READ THE TOPICS. I cannot stress this enough. First impressions are everything, and if you create a new topic explaining that you're new here how you're so much more special than everybody else when there is already an introduction topic, people are going to hate you. Nobody cares to hear about how 'unique' you are and who 'the real you' is, your personality will shine through in your posts.

3. Your avatar and signature will also send people a message about you, in addition to your actual posts. Whether or not the message is "stay the hell away from me" is entirely up to you. An unreasonably large avatar and/or signature does not send a positive message to others. How big is too big? You'll know. If you ever look at other forums and see somebody's signature/avatar and think, "daisies, that's a bit large," then that's too big. Your perceptions about other people's signatures do not magically not apply when concerning you. If you cannot tell if something is too big, then as a rule of thumb, find the person in the forum that has the biggest avatar/signature, and do not make it any bigger than that.

4. People on forums expect you to be self-sufficient. So that means that you should not create a new topic regarding a problem without first 1) searched the forum to check that there are no existing topics of the sort, and 2) tried to solve it yourself. This also means that you should never ask somebody to find something within a topic for you. Backtrack yourself. Despite what one might think, if one is capable of typing, then one is capable of reading.

5. Nobody cares how many posts you have. This is not a inspirational movie. When you reach X amount of posts, there is no slow clapping. There is no cheering. There is no celebration. The only people it impresses is the newcomers, but to everybody that matters, it doesn't matter. It's like telling a stranger on the street that it's your birthday:

They don't care.

Not.
One.
Bit.

6. If you're trying to type something funny think it out. Shorter, more precise messages tend to have a funnier impact than longer ones. If it's not funny, if you do not think that is funny, then FOR THE LOVE OF GO DO NOT POST IT. We have better things to do with our time. This falls under the same rule of thumb as "think out a topic before posting it." If people are not laughing at anything you have said, then chances are that you are not funny. If you are thinking "I am extremely clever" as you post, then chances are, you are not. If you can't do funny, then try insightful or helpful comments.

7. People on the internet are not automatically 'buddy-buddy' with you. You first must earn their respect in order to befriend them. Acting like a retard does not earn respect. Respect is earned the same way respect is earned in the real world. When you screw up, apologize. Learn the personalities of people around you. And don't suck up. People generally can tell the difference, especially the proletariats.

8. LEARN HOW TO USE BBCODE. IT'S NOT ROCKET SURGERY. In BBCode, you have 'tags' which you use to perform special functions.
There's the beginning: [example]
Then there's the closing tag, or the end: [/example]
So say if I wanted to italicize something. Before the phrase that I wanted to italicize, I would type ["i"] (without the quotation marks). Then I would put the same thing at the end of the phrase, but with a forward slash (/). If you are trying to edit a post without them, then be sure to delete both. Otherwise your post looks like it just came out of the soul-sucking printer from Office Space.

9. Make your posts aesthetically appealing. The eye loves looking at beautiful, clean-cut things, and as such, it is HIGHLY advised that you use the "preview" button. Go ahead. It won't bite. Make sure that you have no broken BBCode. Make sure that you spaced the text in your post correctly if you posted it with a picture so that the resulting text isn't to the side of it instead of underneath of it. Also, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever only type in a certain font color, or use obnoxiously large or small font. Do not do this to make yourself stand out, do not do it to be "cute," do not do it because it's your "thing." If you do any of this stuff, then people will skip over your post because it looks like as much of a train wreck as Amy Winehouse.

10. Another friendly little button that wouldn't possibly kill you to use is the edit button. I mostly use it to fix grammatical and spelling errors, but it can be used for such more, such as adding or subtracting information from your post, and perhaps even rewriting the entire course of history (varies from person to person). It is considered tactful to add an "EDIT:" tag to your post at the bottom with any new information that you may have added. PLEASE be sure to use it instead of creating an entirely new post correcting the error. If you see a small error with an existing post of yours, no matter how trivial or insignificant, fix it. Treat every post like somebody is reading it for the first time. The human mind has the incredible ability to pass judgment without us even being aware of it. Nobody's going to think less of you for having an "Edited X times..." message at the bottom of your post. They will, though, if you typed "you're" as "your."

11. If you want people to understand you, type in perfect grammar and spelling. It is easier for people to read, and it makes you look better in the process. Who would you rather talk to, the guy who sends you a message saying, "d00d joo gota com ovur nao!," or the person who sends a message saying, "I need you to come over as soon as you can." If you picked guy #1, then congratulations, you are retarded.

12. This is not 4chan. Don't get me wrong, I love 4chan, but the same cannot be said for you if you insist upon jaw-droppingly stupid behavior. Follow this guide, and you should be fine. Keep in mind, /b/ hates newfags, and so do most of the people here. We understand most of the memes, and it's all right to quote them or to reference them as long as its the right moment. But if you acted like a newfag over there, then you will be considered a newfag over here. There is no mysterious force that makes people think of you differently because you are on a different website. If you act like a douche on one site and still act like a douche on another, then people are probably going to think of you as a douche.

tl;dr STOP BEING SUCH NEWFAGS.[/spoiler]

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, I'm just so fed up with the sheer amount of grade-A retardation that I'm seeing EVERYWHERE on the forum now.

Maybe you should follow your own rules.

http://www.awkwardzombie.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1792

There's really no way that I can phrase this without sounding like a douchebag.

I'm aware of that post. However, it didn't seem to be remedying the situation at all, so I felt that that a more specific/berating manner was in order, such as what will happen if they do/don't do something, and why they don't don't/do want to do it.

You're right; you're definitely helping.
And apparently you can't phrase anything without sounding like a douche bag.

Point taken. I'm sorry, it's just so frustrating not being able to strangle a person from over the internet. I'm sure that you feel that way about me right now. I was kind of hoping that this would get the message through their thick skulls, but you're right; I'm probably not helping.

It's a noble effort, but new users aren't going to read it.

If you want to be popular on the internet, you're not going to do it by following rules.

Because it pays to be stupid.

I learn forums?

Unpossible.

Valiant effort.

Some people are born retards.

You just can't change them.

No matter how hard you try.

There is always one option which will most definitely fix the problem:



Unfortunately, when stupid people shed their ability to act like capable human beings, they do not shed their human rights.

So cry now little doggy.

For the world is a dark and unforgiving place.

Filled with many a retard.

Great idea, valiant effort, but no potential for success.

I kind of enjoy the feelings of superiority and intelligence brought about by observing the lower class of forum species that roam our halls.

Also, if everyone behaved, I'd have to redesignate my thread-locking addiction elsewhere, and that couldn't possibly end up well.

Muchos kudos, though, buddy.

helpful

like anyone is going to read all of that anyway. no one likes to read things they dont car about or already know. you just wasted your time writing all of that and ours for making us post this.