AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Turtwig is awesome cuz it evolves into Torterra, which knows Earthquake, and is therefore the most badass starter.

Yeah, a Grass type learning 'Earthquake' is a big deal...

...I was all 'Whoa - a Grass type learned Earthquake - ON ITS OWN!'...

...but I like what I like.

It's grass-ground. >: | And a grass-type learning earthquake is awesome because then it can take out your rival's fire-type.

I agree.


I wasn't being sarcastic.

...

You over there!

Start a new line of discussion on Pokemon or something!

MY DAY HAS COME

Seriously, the instant I saw this thread I thought "I hope there's a point where I could cut in, since I have no clue what's going on," and what do you know?

I pitched an article idea to Cracked, a comedy site. It was called "Pocket Monstrosities: The X Most Unsettling Pokemon". I poured about a month of work into it, took a ton advice from people on the Cracked and Destructoid forums, made revisions, made plenty of tough choices and sure enough....

They rejected it.

daisies THEM.

I'll post some stuff if anybody is interested.

Go ahead.

You really don't need to ask permission though.

YOU WERE WARNED

Cubone

At first glance, this seems like a pretty badass pokemon. It attacks its enemies while wearing someone else’s skull and using their bones as a weapon. It’s fun (read: terrifying) to imagine that it could attack its enemies by strangling them with the intestines from an enemy that it killed by using another enemy’s fingers, which it got by killing an enemy with another pokemon’s gallbladder, etc. In short this pokemon looks like the most goddamn ruthless thing in existence.

The truth: The skull on its head? Funny story: After a Cubone is born, its mother dies. It doesn’t say why this happens, or why it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE, so let’s just assume that the pokegods really have it in for these guys. What does this have to do with the skull? Easy, soon-to-be mentally scarred chum! The motherless Cubone, not wanting to waste a good carcass, wears his mother’s skull as a mask. While it does this constantly mourns for its dead mom. This creature is on par with Norman Bates for being batshit insane with its motherly affection.

Weezing


According to the pokedex:"When it inhales poisonous gases from garbage, its body expands, and its insides smell much worse. " In short, it's a floating ball that smells of death and eats garbage. It should be noted that this is the evolved form of Koffing who looks much happier by comparison.


"Please kill me"

But why the extra head? Some pokedex entries say that when two Koffings meet at a place where two kinds of posion gas meet, and over many years, the two koffing fuse into one of the most depressing things we've encountered so far. That's not evolution, that's a horrible mutation. It's like saying conjoined twins are the next step in human evolution, which goes against everything we learned in Darwin's Origin of the Species and all our "X-Men" comics. It's more likely that Koffing, after years of being a round, floating cigarette that's lit 24/7, got cancer and grew a tumor that turned into another head.

Paras/Parasect



As much as you might hate insects, Paras has a sort of adorable quality to it. The little mushrooms, shiny eyes, and un-intimidating pincers make it the sort of bug that appeals to people who don’t really like bugs, similar to Fall Out Boy makes rock music for people for people who don’t really like rock music.

Paras’s name was originally “Parasyte”, but was changed since that was the name of a messed up Japanese manga (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasyte). The difference between the two is obvious: “Parasyte” involves alien parasites that bend people to their will, while Paras is a pokemon controlled by a fungus that controls its brain. According to the Pokedex, “The tochukaso [mushrooms] growing on this Cockfighting Society's back orders it to extract juice from tree trunks”.

Long story short, this pokemon is a zombie, or some variation of a pod person. The mushrooms are based off of Cordyceps, a type of parasitic fungi. If you’re thinking that this plant just wants to get nutrients really badly, then consider this: it can force ants to go to the tip of a plant leaf so that it can be eaten, and then spread its spores after being digested and turned into waste. Basically, the mushrooms could force Paras to get itself eaten just so that it could spread itself around after being turned into poo.

The evolved form Parasect is even less comforting:



Parasect’s growth has been stunted by the (now giant) mushroom, and it has become a gross exaggeration of its former self. Due to being possessed for so long, even the eyes have whited out. Parasect’s only control over the mushroom is that it can release spores that either paralyze, poison, or put enemies to sleep. It’s also forced to live in damp, dark places, as this is the type of environment that supports fungus and the mentally insane.

That is the life of Paras/Parasect: Only able to attack, and being the helpless victim of a pizza topping. Oh, and did we mention that these mushrooms are sprinkled on as soon as Paras is born? And we thought Cubone had a shitty childhood, Jesus Christ.

There are more smaples. I'm just posting this for now.

NO U!

Parasect is alright.

Sorta.

So I just got Pearl.

I'm naming all the pokemon after actors/actresses.

@NCHammer326: It'd be nice if you posted 4th-gen Cockfighting Society monstrosities.

I stopped playing after Silver/Gold, so my knowledge is limited. If you have any suggestions, I'd be pop flyin' to listen.

Is Shedinja 4th generation?


Jynx


Do we need to explain why this thing doesn't belong in a kid's show? This is the only thing that could cause someone to use "racist", "drag queen", and "pokemon" in the same sentence. To be fair, Jynx now has purple skin. So you can remove the “racist” from the previous statement and replace with “fucking creepy”.


All better

According to various Pokedex entries, "Jynx walks rhythmically, swaying and shaking its hips as if it were dancing. Its motions are so bouncingly alluring, people seeing it are compelled to shake their hips without giving any thought to what they are doing", and "It cries sound like human speech. However, it is impossible to tell what it is trying to say". So this pokemonster basically walks around dancing and shouting gibberish, and causes people (who are apparently turned on by racism) to dance alongside. The final nail in the coffin comes from it's signature move "Lovely facebattle". The attack does no damage, but it puts the opponent to sleep, where we can only assume a completely different type of damage is inflicted afterwards.

But hey, it's not like they're ever going to make another pokemon based off a racial stereotype. Not after that monstrosity. Nope, never again. Not in a million years.


Ludicolo


Goddamnit.

Purple Jynx kinda looks like Grimace in drag...

Someone on the Cracked article pitch forum told me that same thing and suggested I use a pic of Grimace somehow in the article.

Weird.

Uncanny.

Oh god. I just noticed that man is wearing a monocle.

That comic is a billion times better now.