AWKWARD ZOMBIE

There was this lumberjack who was sick of constantly having to sharpen the tools. He always had an axe to grind.

I was walking to a friend's house and discovered he'd moved a good ways down the road. I considered giving up and turning around for a second, but then decided against it. I believe in going the extra mile.

I saw lots of ducks playing sports on a lake, but they were really rough about it. I've never seen so many water fowls before.

You know that disease that renders you unable to feel pain? It really gets on my nerves.

A new car mechanic was trying to figure out what a certain part on a vehicle he was working on did. He got so frustrated that he eventually just gave up. An older mechanic looked at him pityingly and said, "Them's the breaks, kid."

I keep having to get my faucet fixed. It's a real cheddar sink.

I recently heard about this new product. It's basically a cube that not only helps keep ultraviolet rays at bay, but also keeps your male children from finding you. They call it son block.

i like these new Halifax adverts where they pretend to run a radio station
its a lot more believable than when they pretend to run a fucking bank

The other day I hit someone with my pocket watch. He said it hurt a lot, so I must have really clocked him.

I got half credit for a question on an anatomy test because although I wasn't completely correct, the answer was still in the right vein.

I have a good buddy named Flint who has a nasty drug habit. One day me and his brother walked into his room and just started laughing. His brother asked him what was so funny but Flint was laughing too hard to answer. He looked to me and I said "I think Flint's stoned."

What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?

[spoiler] Snow[/spoiler]

Man, are you serious.

Oh god, I lost.

I lost so hard.

I just thought to myself "One couldn't hurt."

So a birch started growing out of my hand recently. I think I'll call it a palm tree.

Door, you have some of the best worst jokes ever.

Thanks Def

Apparently Jesus had a bit of a temper. You really wouldn't want to cross him.

Flowers seem dangerous to me. Almost all of them have pistols.

Someone threw a container at me. It was rather jarring.

There's a bunch of people living in one of those things you put over a baby's crib. It's the first I've ever heard of a mobile home.

I get lost easily, but dressing like an Asian seems to help me orient myself.

Corn loving spiders make the best cobwebs.

I'm trying to find a girlfriend with the same kind of blood as me, but nobody seems to be my type.

I hate to see a good corpse go to waste.


eh leave me alone

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

I had to climb a giant fish while also simultaneously skinning and weighing it. It was the most epic scaling job I've ever had.

I use a piano part to open doors. It's kind of pain in the booty going through all those keys though.

The commander of our ship is sort of eccentric. He writes everything down on a chunk of wood, or as he puts it, the Captain's Log.

Our dog makes candy in our workshop, so when we want some candy we just go get it from our Chocolate Lab.

I know a farmer who is also a singer. She gets a lot of use out of her pitch fork.

A company that produces flat wooden surfaces constantly has to get together to discuss their product. They have the most board meetings out of any company I've ever seen.