AWKWARD ZOMBIE

That..That was just horrible. This coming from the guy whos jokes ARE ALL BAD ONES.

That was a masterpiece

It was like the goddamn Mona Lisa

Only a pun

The Grim Reaper has kind of a dead-end job.

My friends keep trying to make me buy a matching slacks and jacket ensemble, but I just don't think it suits me.

Writing a book of fiction seems like kind of a novel concept.

What do you say when your patient (who's a Cancer) gets Cancer?


[spoiler]Irony! Also, you have cancer[/spoiler]

Yaaaay now I can post without triple postingggg


People who use biological warfare make me sick

There was once this guy who kept hornets as pets, and was also a big fan of the Disney Princess characters. In fact, he was so enamored with one of them in particular that he had her picture surgically grafted into his vision. It seems pretty clear that Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Earth is world re-nouned

I once met an extremely impatient man with horrible grammar who was unable to pronounce the letter H and was easily made sick on boats. I found this out as I was taking a cruise with him, another friend, and myself. He was quite insistent that he get on the boat before my friend but last off so he had time to recover before having to move too much. I believe his exact words were "I before (h)e except after sea."

Apparently they've invented a collar that makes the wearer capable of levitation. A friend of mine tried one on but right before he started getting an intense pain in his esophagus. Not only that, but they also gave him a defective collar. It really sucks having such a bad soar throat.

I heard they invented a camera out of plants. It creates its own film through photo synthesis.

Aliens put a wall around the earth and have said that the only way to get by it is by proving how meticulously we learn things. Thus it was ordered that the attempt must be a scientific break through.

Illuminated golf courses were invented for people who liked swinging nightclubs.

An author did all his writing from a study beneath his house. It was a very cryptic book, but it was at a bargain-basement price, so he ended up with a best cellar.

There was a doctor who had trained in chemistry. His patients knew he would either helium or barium.

My slippers are so lazy. I've never seen such loafers in my life.

One of my psychologist buddies has a really old ventilation system in his house. He's a big fan of classical conditioning.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I got on a very small 747 recently that was painted completely gray. It was kind of pretty, even if it was a little plane.

People keep setting traps in the percussion section. Most common is a snare drum.

I know this really loud guy who is really protective of his hats. He's always yelling about his caps lock.

CURSE YOU Chinmaster! I lost....;-;

A will is a dead giveaway

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

I recently went to a marathon with a bunch of racial teams. Someone got accused of cheating early on though, and they all started fighting. It turned into a big race war.

A painter was trying to get opinions on what he should paint next, so he canvassed the neighborhood.

A plumber who aspires to be anything different is just having pipe dreams.

I.....

I give up. You win, Chinmaster.

I recently came into possession of a series of tunnels used to excavate precious minerals. They're mine, they're all mine.

You can't hug with nuclear arms

Unless your child is Radioactive Man