AWKWARD ZOMBIE

you know the drill

going to your tiny-booty state, kicking your booty, etc.

Def

You are the best forever

Genius, man. Pure genius.

Edit: Also, I know I shouldn't bring up the thread again, but I really want to write on my thing to do before I died. I want to expand on it so badly, even though I know what happens in the end. Frikkin' writer's block.

Meanwhile, at Valve

The entire facility is amok with chittering men in gray jumpsuits relaying papers to across the depressingly cold room, several violently crashing into one another as large burly men in suspenders and no shirts tote crates from one end of the room to another. A frail man with a clear lack of self-worth or the ability to function beyond his occupation scuttles up to the mountain of superiority that is Gabe Newell before saluting.>

Underling 86: Sir! The citizens of the Steam forums grow weary of waiting! They desire an update on Team Fortress 2 now, or there will surely be a riot! Shall we finally release the update?

Gabe: YOU FOOL, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

<Gabe thrusts an eighth of his body mass forward, tearing a chunk of the room asunder and killing several individuals.>

Gabe: BY MAKING THEM WAIT UNTIL THE VERY LATEST OF THEIR PATHETIC NIGHT, WE RECEIVE MORE WEBSITE TRAFFIC! AND MORE TRAFFIC MEANS MORE POSITIVE ATTENTION FROM THE PRESS AND FROM OUR FANS! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF PROPER VIDEO GAME MARKETING!

<The soundwaves from Gabe's voice cause the entire building to shudder.>

Underling 86: I apologize, sir.

Gabe: IT IS TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES NOW, PEON! YOU MADE A GRAVE ERROR SPEAKING TO THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE GABE THIS WAY. GUARDS, SEND THIS MAN TO THE SAUSAGE GRINDER! HE SHALL BE MY SIXTH LUNCH OF THE NEXT MORROW!

Underling 86: No...NOOOOOO!

<The poor man is toted away by several giant creatures with blood red skin and horns, presumably to be tossed away into the pit of eternal suffering and barbeque sauce.>

Gabe: ROBIN! WHERE IS ROBIN? I NEED... ROBIN!

<Robin Walker goose-steps to Gabe's feet before saluting.>

Robin: Raus!

<Gabe gurgles before speaking.>

Gabe: PUSH EPISODE THREE BACK ANOTHER MONTH! SOME IDIOT ON THE STEAM FORUMS IS MAKING FUN OF MY WEIGHT AGAIN!

Robin: Yes, mein liege. I shall eliminate him und dast Episode Zwee vill remain on hold. Ein gast, und what shall we do vith zein interloper, shmel?

<Close-up on Gabe's handsomely sinister eyes hidden amongst his face folds.>

Gabe: KILL HIM. LEAVE NO TRACE THAT HE EVER EXISTED.

<Robin salutes once more before mounting his sled pulled by abused orphan children, whipping them into motion as he takes off into the night sky cackling maniacally, also tipping over a bus of old people.>

ripped from here

It's funny, because the guy who posted that is banned.

Once, there was an ugly barnacle

He was so ugly that everybody died.

The end.

in English i have to write a detective story, and the general idea is that it has to be serious
as you probably guessed mine wont be, its the adventures of Detective Steak and his assistant Kidney, whos his left handed right hand man, and they get invited to a garden party, where a murder happens where the victim was shot 9 times then stabbed for good measure, the suspects are many, including Gregg the Baker and a guy called Vladimir Chompski

ill post it when its finished

Been working on sort of a series of stories set in a post-WWIII America. Each one would have a different main character, but also be connected in some way to the one before it. I've got around 35 different storylines in mind and am currently nearing the end of the fourth.

This is the first one, and I've been told that the beginning isn't the best, although the person who told me this wasn't exactly clear on what would make it better. It's fairly short, mostly because there isn't all that much action. Comments to improve it would be appreciated

________

James liked being inside of buildings. What was there not to like? They kept the weather from becoming too unbearable, there was furniture made to fit human needs, there was usually nicer things than outside, and they generally just looked nice. The thing that James liked most of all though, was that being inside of a building made it much easier to forget about how the outside looked, all parched and barren. Actually, the thing he hated the most about how it all looked was the ever-crumbling buildings that he hid himself in so frequently; James wasn’t sure if that was ironic or not. It was hard to remember how the outside looked without also remembering how it had gotten that way and how different things had gotten from the way they once were.

It had been five years since the bombs went off. Unlike many people, he couldn’t actually remember where he was when it happened; an unfortunately aimed piece of debris saw to that. He had woken up under a pile of rubble with a splitting headache, but otherwise none the worse for wear. It had probably been lucky he had been unconscious under that pile, actually, otherwise he probably would have been either killed or robbed (quite probably both) had he been up and walking around in the chaos that ensued. Even if he couldn’t remember the exact moment everything went straight to hell, the aftermath certainly didn’t leave anything to the imagination. No matter where James went, the landscape had been turned into wasteland. To be fair, he hadn’t seen the point in travelling very far, so he couldn’t be entirely sure about the fate of the rest of the world, but he could guess.

Not that any of that mattered. James had managed to eke out a living with what little there was left through his own efforts and the occasional trade with other survivors. He did the latter only when the former proved insufficient, though; dealing with other people was kind of depressing. Just like the waste outside, they always reminded him of the way things were before. Even worse were the children. James couldn’t even so much as glance at them without thinking about how they should be climbing trees or jumping rope instead of rifling through the old rusted-out junk piles that had once been vehicles and hiding from the bandits and crazies. It didn’t do anyone any good to get all sentimental, least of all himself.

He always did his best to try and forget all the suffering and bedlam that was going on in the world. Usually he managed to do it, but it was inevitable that sometimes these sorts of morose thoughts would manage to creep into his skull. It started happening again as he went about his usual daily routine of watering the plants he used to grow a livable supply of food. James hated it when this happened; sometimes he would feel completely melancholy for an entire week before he managed to build up another wall of apathy.

As he sighed in resignation, James happened to look out the window at the wastes around the office building he had taken up residence in and blinked. That definitely wasn’t good. A rather large group of people, many not entirely sober by the looks of them, were making their way towards his current abode. By not looking out the daisies window, James had let these people come right up to his front door without even the slightest notice!

As he berated himself, James took another look at the group of people coming his way and noticed something that had escaped his attention upon first glance. In the middle of the band, there was a smaller group with much more submissive air about them than the boisterousness of the rest. As he watched, a man in the center group accidently tripped over his own feet and fell to the ground. Rather than help him up, a larger man from the surrounding group gave him a swift kick and what was probably a curse of some sort. Great, not only was there a big group of people coming to his building, but it looked like they were slavers as well. Another peek out the window told James that immediate escape was not an option; he was on the tenth floor, and the group was close enough that by the time he managed to get to the bottom, they’d be there. He’d have to hide and hope that an opportunity to get away would present itself.

Fortunately, there was probably enough time for him to clear out all his things so it wouldn’t be suspected that there was anyone living there. James seriously doubted the people would be in any hurry to get to the tenth floor if they wanted to get up that high at all. More likely most of them would stay more towards the bottom and send a few up top to keep watch.

Calmed somewhat to have a plan, James began collecting everything he thought he would need and putting it into a ragged backpack: food and water, some flint and steel, a small knife, an extra set of clothes, a pistol, and the meager supply of bullets he’d managed to scrounge up. Everything else he hid in various supply cabinets and desks around the floor. About halfway through this, he heard the loud noises somewhere below him that gave him such a start that he dropped the potted plant he had been carrying which promptly crashed to the floor. James stood perfectly still, waiting to see if the sound had been noticed by his unwelcome guests. When no investigation seemed forthcoming, he cleaned up the mess as best he could and finished hiding his things. That done, he went to the room he thought was farthest from the stairs and waited nervously, pistol clutched in his hands.

Other than a few noises of people going up and down the stairs, the rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Not having much else to do, James wondered about the timid-looking people that had apparently been captured. Slavers didn’t normally bring slaves around with them, so these people must have been recently taken. Could they have been from the nearby settlement James occasionally traded with? He hoped not. Although he tried not to associate with them too much, they really weren’t bad people; in fact, the reason he didn’t associate with them was because they reminded him too much of how nice it was before.

Stewing in his own thoughts, James didn’t notice when it began to grow dark. It wasn’t until the sun was well below the horizon did he look up and notice that the light in the room was gone. It was time to see if he could sneak out, then. He wished he could just stay in that room until they all left, but the chance that they might go rummaging around was too great. Reluctantly, James made his way to the stairs making as little noise as he could.

As soon as he appraised that the stairwell was clear, he began to climb down the now seemingly endless path down. He did so very carefully, putting as much weight as he could on the railings on the side so as to not cause the steps to squeak.

After what seemed like an eternity, James reached the ground floor. Being as quiet as he could, he pressed his ear against the door leading out of the stairwell. He didn’t hear anything, but he supposed that didn’t really mean much; other people were just as capable as he was in being quiet. Still, James wanted to get out of that building before anyone went looking around, so he cracked open the door. The narrow field of vision provided by the crack helped him immensely more than the short listening session did; there was no one guarding the doors. He’d still have to be careful, though, as the look hadn’t given him any insight into the rest of the front lobby. For all he knew, there was an army of people out there, all with automatic weapons pointed at the entrance. James didn’t think the chances of running into an army were very good, however, and decided to risk a better look.

After poking his head out, James got a much better idea of the situation. Two guards sat on stools on either side of the reception area, either asleep or acting asleep from the position of their heads slumped onto their chests. Between them there was a small group of the people they had taken, presumably to act as hostages in case the larger group got a wild hair to revolt. James was fairly confident that the guards were really sleeping, and began creeping as quickly as he could towards the exit.

About halfway there, he stopped. Could he free those people in the lobby? It seemed like it might be possible. Obviously the others were out, since there would be many more of the slavers around, but there were only two here. He could slit their throats as they slept and attempt to sneak the people out. When he thought about it like that, it seemed downright easy. James even took a step or two towards them and began reaching for his knife when he stopped once again. So much could go wrong. He could cut the wrong artery and the guard would raise an alarm, one of the prisoners could wake up too loudly, one of the prisoners could actually another guard among them, and a whole host of other things. It just wasn’t worth the risk. Still, these weren’t bad people. He’d shared laughs with them, traded with them… sure, he avoided them when he could, but that was only because they reminded him too much of how things used to be. They didn’t deserve to go into slavery. It just wasn’t right…

James tried not to think about it as he fled.

Okay, so. You use the word nice too much. Nice is a terrible word. It's vague, use something more definitive. In the second paragraph you use the word probably like ten trillion times.

"It started happening again as he went about his usual daily routine of watering the plants he used to grow a livable supply of food."

This sentence is clunky as hell. Livable supply of food is just awkward.

"Calmed somewhat to have a plan, James began collecting everything he thought he would need and putting it into a ragged backpack: food and water, some flint and steel, a small knife, an extra set of clothes, a pistol, and the meager supply of bullets he’d managed to scrounge up."

The start of this sentence doesn't make sense, and it's liek xbox hueg. Break it up into two, I think.

"Although he tried not to associate with them too much, they really weren’t bad people; in fact, the reason he didn’t associate with them was because they reminded him too much of how nice it was before."

Change one of the "too much"s to something else.

"...he began to climb down the now seemingly endless path down."

You don't really need to say down here twice.


I like it though. It'll help if you read it aloud to yourself. I think the only problem is the flow, and if you vocalise it, you'll notice what I mean.

Cool, thanks. I thought I might have reused some words too much, but it's hard to tell with your own work. I'll probably start re-working it after I make a dent in my school projects

In other terms...

That's another week on episode 3, def.

DAMMIT DEF!

INCOMING

So I enjoy building worlds far more than I like doing anything with them. This is a creation story for a world in a novel I am writing.
_ _ _ _

In the beginning, existence was very big and very black. It was very black because the only thing in it was Darkness, and it was big because the Darkness was big. The Darkness, was so big, in fact, that one day it became aware of its own bigness.

“I am very big,” the Darkness said, inventing language in that moment. “I am so big I don’t even know how big I am.”

“I will move around,” The Darkness said, inventing motion. “And then I will know how big I am.”

And then the Darkness moved. And it moved very far, but not very far at all, because distance did not exist yet. And after a very long time (but not very long at all, of course), it decided that it was tired of moving so far.

“I will make a way,” The Darkness said, “To move without moving.”

But that did not work, because obviously moving without moving is a silly idea and the Darkness was silly for having it. The Darkness then decided that he would just invent a way to sense where he was, which was a far more sensible idea. So the Darkness invented magic, and then invented a spell that would let him see where he was.

“Oh,” The Darkness said, “I appear to be everywhere.”

And this made the Darkness pop flyin', because being everywhere is a very pop flyin' thing. It made him so pop flyin' that he decided to be everywhere again. So he cast his spell to see himself everywhere, and this time he made a discovery.

“There is a spot,” The Darkness said, “Where I am not.”

And then the Darkness moved to that spot, and he found a thing which was not him. It was very bright and very not the Darkness. He said hello to the thing that was not him.

“Hello,” the Not-Darkness said back. “You are very big.”

“I know I am very big,” The Darkness said in reply. “I am so big I am everywhere, except where you are.”

“Well I am sorry, then,” Not-Darkness said. “I must have ruined your mood by making you be not everywhere.”

“It’s okay,” The Darkness replied. “I do not mind not being everywhere.”

The Not-Darkness told the Darkness that it was called Light, and then Light and Darkness became the best of friends. Light and Darkness moved around the everywhere together, talking about how big the Darkness was. And one day the friends found something that was very curious.

“It is not us,” Light said, and that was true. “So what is it?”

The thing that they had found was very small and very brown. It was also very much not like them. Light and Darkness were very big energy-things, and this thing that wasn’t them was very small and had no energy of its own. When Dark and Light spoke to it, it did not talk back. This made them very sad, because they wanted to have a new friend.

“I think,” Light said, “That we should name it. Because when I told you my name we became best friends, and if we name this thing, it can tell us its name and become our best friend.”

“We should name it Not,” Darkness said, “Because it is what we are not.”

And they agreed on that name, but it did not make Not wake up and talk to them, and they were sad. They decided to watch Not until it woke up, each of them watching half of not. To keep from getting bored, they played a game where they both chased the other. And that was how time and distance were invented, by the spinning of Darkness and Light.

And far below on Not, the game of Darkness and Light was making things happen. The magic that Darkness had invented was changing Not. Not became part green and part blue, and small things which were not like anything Darkness had seen before began to grow. Whenever Darkness tried to talk to the small things they ran or fell down, and that made him very sad.

One day a small thing was looking at Light, and eventually said something to it.

“You are very big.”

“I am very big,” Light said, pop flyin' to have someone to talk to. “But my best friend Darkness is much bigger.”

“I see Darkness a lot,” The small thing said. It flapped its wings in the air, for the small thing was a bird. “I like you better. It is easy to fly when it is bright and the ground is easy to see.”

“Thank you,” said Light. “I am glad I can make it easy for you to fly, little bird.”

And then Light ran away, because Darkness was catching up to her in their game of chase. But the next time Light ran away from Darkness, she stopped to talk to the bird again.

“Hello again Light,” The bird said happily. “You are looking very big today.”

And Light and the Bird talked for a very long time, and they said many things to each other. Eventually Darkness caught up to Light, but she did not mind because talking to the bird made her so pop flyin'.

“Hello Darkness,” Light said to her friend. “This is a bird. He is my new friend.”

“Hello Darkness,” The bird said. “You are very big.”

“Hello Bird. Are you my friend too?”

“If you are a friend of Light, then you are my friend,” Bird said. “But I cannot say I care for how black you make the ground.”

“Oh dear,” Darkness said. “I do not want to make my friends unhappy.”

Light had a very smart idea then. She gave the Bird the power to make its own light, so it could see where it was going even in darkness, and the other birds could see it and be guided by it. And that was the birth of the Phoenix, who would become especially important later.

Light made another friend while it ran around the world, a Tiger who liked to sit in the grass. And one day the tiger complained that there were too many rocks on Not, and that the rocks made his paws hurt. So Light made Tiger able to grow plants wherever it wanted, which was good for lots of things that lived on Not.

The Darkness was also making friends. It made friends with a snake who was getting very hot during the day, so Darkness made the Snake able to live in the cold water. He also made the snake very big because he liked things to be big like him. He also made friends with a beast in the mountains, who also wanted to be big. But the Darkness made a mistake and made the beast too big, and it became even bigger than the mountains, and eventually became so big you could see it from high above Not. The beast was called the Mountain Lord after it grew so big.

And the many friends the Darkness and the Light had made were pop flyin' with each other. The six of them became very good friends and they talked about many things. They talked so much that they did not even notice when Man appeared on Not. Only Phoenix, who flew over the land, saw the two-legged newcomers. He was pop flyin' to see them on Not, for they looked like very smart creatures.

But the Humans were not pop flyin' on Not. Living was very hard for them, and Darkness and Light found they could not do anything to help, because Men were very different from the other things on Not, and Darkness and Light did not know how they worked. But the Phoenix knew how they worked, because he saw many things while he flew.

“I am going to help the Humans,” The Phoenix said one day.

Noble of you,” said the Snake. The Snake had become very smart in the oceans, and it knew many things the Phoenix did not. “But I am afraid it will not work, Phoenix. You do not have enough power of your own to help the Humans.”

“Then I will give it away,” the Phoenix said. “If I give the power I have to a few Men, those men will be able to help the other Men.”

“Smart.” Mountain Lord rumbled. He was very far away, because his voice was so loud he could be heard from miles away.

“Then I will do it,” Phoenix decided. “I will help Man the same way Light helped me.”

Phoenix flew high into the sky of Not, where every man could see him. Phoenix then gave the men a gift of his power, bestowing Magic on the world of man. Those who received Phoenix’s power became the first mages, and they made the world a much better place for Man, and Man thrived on Not and lived happily.

But it was not very pop flyin' for others. Phoenix had given away so much of his magic that he had become a normal bird again, and normal birds do not live very long at all. Phoenix, who was now Bird again, plummeted to the ground, landing on a soft blanket that Tiger made for him.

“Did it work?” Bird whispered. Time had taken the song out of Bird’s voice.

“It worked very well,” Darkness said, proud of his friend. “You should be very pop flyin'.”

“I am very pop flyin'…”

And then Bird died.

It was very sad for Bird’s friends. They missed him terribly much, and everything was very sad without him. Tiger stopped growing grass, Snake stopped swimming, and if Mountain Lord could have stopped being big he would have. Darkness and Light still chased each other, but they were very sad while they did.

But when the Friends stopped doing their work, man was not very pop flyin'. Plants would not grow, so they had no food. And without the Snake’s swimming the water did not move, so all the rivers dried up. Nothing really happened because of Mountain Lord, and he was somewhat put off by that.

So one day all the animals that Darkness and Light had befriended came together, and they promised that they would not let Man suffer, because Bird had not let man suffer. Snake started swimming again, and Tiger grew, and Mountain Lord was disappointed because he could not help.

Snake and Tiger decided that they would help Man personally as well. Snake would take care of the Men on the islands, and Tiger took care of the Men on the grassy plain. And once again, Mountain Lord could not do anything, and he was very sad.

After a long while Man began to take up much more land than they had, which was a very big problem. It was such a big problem that only the biggest thing on Not could solve it.

“I know what to do,” Mountain Lord grumbled. “Since I am very good at doing nothing…Nothing is exactly what I will do.”

Mountain Lord laid down in the wide ocean and fell asleep. After a long time mud began to pile up on his back, and the mud eventually grew so thick that Mountain Lord was covered by it, and Mountain Lord became a new continent. Men from Snake’s islands and from Tiger’s plains came to live on Mountain Lord’s back, and they had more land than they ever needed.

There was so much extra room that Men began to fight over it. This made the two Friends that were left very angry, and they stopped the fighting. To stop the fighting, they divided the land on Mountain Lord’s back into 9 parts, and gave each part a King who owned it. The fighting stopped, and all were pop flyin' again. To make sure that the Kings never fought, the Friends made Judges, special people who could make the kings stop fighting. Judges only showed up when kings fought, which was not very often.

And then, for a very long time, Not was a pop flyin' place. Darkness and Light chased each other through the sky, and Snake and Tiger watched over their lands. Mountain Lord slumbered with the Kings on his back, and the Kings made sure not to fight. And at the very top of the tallest mountain on Mountain Lord’s back, Bird’s body was in a special place. A place that was very big.