AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I have such an unhealthy obsession with airsoft guns and weaponry.

I have so many guns.

So.

Many.

Guns.

Not a one cost under $160.

Same with my brothers. They probably don't have as much as you do but by god there was a time where they just pulled out a new gun every time I saw them it was weird and I was wondering where they were getting the cheddar to get them.

Dimm is the manliest man to ever man.

I am the head Malum and all the other malums MUST OBEY ME.

I really shouldn't read these anymore.

I know it's weird, but reading these awesome stories just ruins my day, as I know my life will never be as interesting or awesome.

Oh. It will.
As soon as you meet me.

oh god i lost at the 12 year old shield part



so manly

If you only take one piece of advice out of this thread, take this one:

A twelve year old provides perfect cover from chest to knee on a standard adult body. This may save your life.

Remind me never to go airsofting with ANY of you.

I swear to god when I get TF2 if I find anyone standing behind me I will shoot them in the face.

Chapter 11: In which Dimm tells a fairy tale

Now this story here is a special story for Loli because she's been feeling bad and this should cheer her up :3

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess in a land far away. People flocked from all across the world to partake in even a glance of the lovely princess. The Princess lead a very pampered life, but she was not pop flyin'. See, our Princess was a bit of a tomboy, and she loved wandering off into the woods, typically alone. This is the story of one of those expeditions.

So our Princess Loli has wandered off into the woods again in search of adventure! She climbs over fallen trees and crawls under branches and brush, merely taking in all the forest has to offer as she walks. Now as you can imagine, the royal family didn't take too kindly to these walks in the forest, as something bad could happen to the Princess. But she was more than capable of taking care of herself, and she evaded her Father's pursuit force with sly amusement. The forest was hers.

As she hides in a tree waiting for the soldiers walking under her to pass by, she spots smoke a short ways off in the distance. Never one to leave something unexplored, she drops down quietly after the soldiers are out of earshot and begins her trek towards the distant pillar. As she gets closer she smells food cooking over the wood fire. A delectable aroma fills her as she continues closer to the clearing where the smoke is coming from. Breaking through the treeline she finds a house, with a door wide open. Princess Loli wanders up to the door and peers her head inside. The house appears to be empty. She slips through the doorway and has a look around.

There appear to be three people that live here. She can tell by the bowls on the table and the beds near the wall. She wanders over and finds the source of the delicious aroma: Porridge was cooking on the stove, and has been put into three bowls on the table. She tries the first bowl and yelps; the porridge was too hot. The second bowl was ice cold. But as if by magic, the third bowl was just right. She downs the bowl of porridge and now is very tired. Looking at the wall she notices the three beds. One of the beds is huge, almost too big to lay in. One is too small to cramp into. But the third, again, is just right. She climbs into the bed, groggy, and snuggles under the covers and fades into sleep.

Then, the occupants of the house come back. It turns out it was a family of bears! They find the bowls of porridge on the table and look towards the wall where Loli is sleeping soundly. They walk over towards her to give her a stern talking-to about coming into people's homes and eating their food. Loli stirs as they come near, sitting up and yawning. She opens her eyes and sees three bears standing menacingly near her. She gasps, as it looks like this may be the end of her adventures. The bears close in, slowly.

And then Princess Loli whips out an AK-47 from underneath her dress and starts to shoot the unholy fuck out of the bears. Blood and fur flies as the rounds erupt from the muzzle like angry hornets. Switching mags, Loli stands up and continues to unleash the bullet hose on the three unwitting bears. They try to turn to run but all get mowed down by the 7.62 NATO rounds. The furniture becomes too hot to hold as the weapon begins to overheat, but never jams, unleashing a neverending stream of hot lead. The house is covered in blood, sulfur burns in the air and Loli stands above the bloody, pulpy masses that are all that remains of what was previously three bears. Panting for breath, she slings the AK over her back, walks out of the house and flicks a freshly lit cigarette at it, erupting the evidence and whole house in flames. She walks away, putting on sunglasses and not looking at the ensuing explosion, all the while flipping the burning house the bird. She walks back to the castle in slow-motion.

And everyone lived happily ever after. Except the bears, they got fucked up.

haha that was great

DIMM THANK YOU <3

this makes me so pop flyin' <3333

Chapter 12: In which Dimm is offended

Right, so this story just came back to me a few days ago and I forgot to post anything about it until Torizo reminded me, so here it is. I'm gonna warn you guys outright that this one is a little more than disgusting, so don't read it if you're eating, going to eat, just ate, or enjoy marshmallows.

When I was younger I had a couple of friends that I would hang out with fairly regularly in my neighborhood. My best friend out of all of these was a little guy named Klaus. He was a couple of years younger than me, but we were both into the same things (mainly guns) and we got along really well. Now he had a neighbor two houses down named Jason, and Jason... well, Jason was unique. He was a mix between a skater kid and a jock, and a bit of a douche, but he was fun to hang around from time to time so we let it slide. He used to think he was tough shit until he tried to push me around and I whooped the unholy hell out of his scrawny booty. That's another story for another time, though.

Well we had decided one night over the summer that we were going to throw up my tent in Klaus' backyard and sleep out there, because none of us had cars and we could never get taken anywhere to camp for real unless it was on a Boy Scout trip. So we walk our poor asses down to the grocery store about a block away and pool together our cheddar to buy a 3-Liter bottle of Mountain Dew knockoff called Country Gold (Store brand, but man that stuff was really good) and some marshmallows. Nevermind the fact that we couldn't start a fire to cook anything, because the next door neighbor in between Klaus and Jason's house was a complete harpy and would oftentimes yell at us in the middle of the night if we were too rowdy/noisy/what the fuck ever. She also had this tiny little dog that would run around and try to hump your leg and she yelled at you if you even stepped toe in her yard at all, be it retrieving a ball or just skitting the corner walking to the alley. One time she was sitting out back when a couple of us were playing and I was running and stumbled and instead of faceplanting on her gravel driveway, I caught myself and took a few steps into her yard to stop myself and she raised hell at me and started walking towards me and yelling at me for walking on her yard and blah blah blah. It gets a little faint from there because I had tuned out the sound of bitch from that point on.

Anyway, we're sleeping outside (or not sleeping, it's always hard to when you're camping. Mainly sitting around and talking and running around the neighborhood when it's dead outside.) Klaus runs in his house to go to the bathroom. Jason zips the tent back up and before I know it he's giggling like a madman. I look over to see what is so funny and Jason has pulled his pants down and his inserting marshmallows into his asshole with the shaft of a marker.

Yeah, you read that right.

I ask him what the fuck he's doing and he giggles and tells me he's gonna pull them out and put them back in the bag and give them to Klaus. Now Jason was always a bit mean to Klaus so this was nothing out of the ordinary so I just kind of sighed a bit and tried to ignore him shoving marshmallows up his booty right in front of me. He just kept pounding them in there. He even asked me if I'd man the marker. I respectfully declined.

Eventually he decided he had enough marshmallows up his butt and pulled them out and put them back in the bag and sealed it back up. Klaus came back and we told him that we were finished with the marshmallows and he could have the rest. He was a very pop flyin' boy. I was not. I seen some shit that night.

Next day in the daylight, Klaus started eating marshmallows. Jason started giggling again and I groaned and hid my eyes. But not before I saw a brown spot on a marshmallow that Klaus was oblivious to as he popped it into his mouth. Jason completely lost it at this point and explained to Klaus that he had been eating marshmallows that he had shoved up his butt with a marker. Klaus promptly spat them out and punched Jason right in the cod.

We found out a few years later that Jason was gay, confirming our suspicions. I've never looked at marshmallows the same way again.

that was hilarious.

Of course the first time he had to tell me this story was last weekend, when we were camping and all we had to eat were marshmallows and hotdogs.