AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Chapter 1 (Incomplete)

Every story needs to start somewhere. Every story needs a hero, a villain, a damsel in distress. Something evil and something good – something to fight against. Every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end although many don’t realize when the story has truly begun and when the story has truly ended. This story began a long, long time ago, when people finally stopped being fish and started thinking. This story has been set in motion already – and some say it is too late to stop. This story begins in the most unlikely of places, a place nobody would think that a hero should be born.

In a normal, ordinary house on an ordinary slope in an ordinary village.

Pale, shining and brilliant the moon hung over The Deepwoods like a mother pearl. It’s radiant beams of light played over the trees, and fell onto a little village nestled into the heart of The Deepwoods, called Calibri (despite the exotic sounding name the village was only named that to make it sound nicer – it needed all the tourists it could muster). The wind howled over the hills, shaping the moors and slopes like a child would with dough. Frost had spread over the ferns, causing picturesque scenes across the countryside - the sort that belonged on postcards where the cold would not harm the farmers, townsfolk and the families that lived off the land, and instead of starving children they were plump and rosy cheeked. But how could those families live now that the freezing snow had spread over the fields, spreading its cold grasp over the vegetation and animals; in other words, their livelihood. Winter had arrived. Winter had plans to stay – big, big plans. Someone – or something – had caused this. Not everyone was oblivious to the unseasonal cold – who had ever heard of snow in February – although any suspicions about the weather had been cast aside as ‘dilly dallying’ and the people of the land were simply much too busy to think about ‘wondering’ and ‘questioning’. There was work to be done, and a lot of it.


I think this isn't complete, just because a chapter should be longer than this. I think for it to be really complete, I'll need to go into more detail and introduce some characters, but then I'm not too sure if it'll change from a short story into a long one. Anyway, constructive criticism please.

It is very well done, from the short part of it I read it seems interesting. The only thing I might see as a imporvement (albiet minor) is the use of transitional images such as *** or - - - in the middle, ofc this is a forum so it is difficult to write a scene change.

But other than that nice story.

Oh and don't worry about chapter length, I read some stories that had 2 pages for 1 chapter and it is a well published book.

Thanks, . What do you mean however by seperating the scenes by asterisks or hyphens? Do you mean like, say:

It was a cold, sandy desert thought George as he raced along the Sahara

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, Sarah was busy in town etc etc


Or am I just doing it totally wrong?

My Creative Writing professor suggested:


* * *

As a scene change. Or pick up a book and see what they use for a scene change. Just remember not to tab on the first paragragh after a scene change.

I see, the only problem I'd have is that I'd want to put the asterisks in the middle so I'd need to figure out the html or whatever to put it in the middle (which right now I've forgotten how to). Thanks, anyway.

Yeah I had the space between each and have the center one in the middle. These forums like to fuck things up.

Yeah, I'm just thinking how I would centre the asterisks. It may seem really silly but it'd just annoy me otherwise y'see, hah.

There is a site called Writing.com. Maybe post things there then link? AFAIK they allow tabs.

So, I had to write a short story for my English class, SO I DID. Anyone who knows me (in real-life, I mean) knows that telling me to write a short story is like handing a serial killer a machete in a crowded mall. In the good way, I mean.


LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK


____________________________________________





“Well, everyone, this may be our most crowded Town Meeting yet! It is great to see that people are starting to take more of an interest in village affairs!” The mayor looked around the room, smiling. The villagers weren’t sure if that was a fake, reassuring smile, or the Mayor honestly had no clue about what had happened and seriously thought that everything was all fine and dandy right now. It was very had to tell sometimes.

“Well, we have a lot to discuss today, so let’s get started,” the Mayor said, “First on the agenda, we have a new decree from the Government stating that taxes have been raised. Now, I know some of you think that taxes are already too high, but-”

“We don’t care about any of that!” Dr. Green yelled from the back of the room, “Skip to the part about the Demon!” The rest of the villagers yelled in agreement.

The Mayor sighed. “I had hoped that you had all actually taken an interest in the affairs of the village. Fine, fine, have it your way. We will discuss your immediate troubles, and leave all the long-term problems to rot in a corner. I’m sure they’ll just go away all by themselves. Anyway, as you all probably already know, a Demon has been spotted near the village.”

“The daisies thing took three of my sheep!” Farmer Johnston yelled.

“Yes, yes, we know, you haven’t shut up about it since it happened two days ago,” Kevin said. “You’ve told everyone in the village at least three times, already.” Kevin was, like the mayor, quite sick of all this talk about the Demon. It was probably going to go away on it’s own, he figured. It really had no reason to stay in a small town like this. He didn’t really understand why everyone was so concerned about this whole thing.

“It was three sheep! Do you have any idea how hard it is to come by sheep these days? Do you!?”

“Now, now, let’s all just calm down and discuss this rationally…” the Mayor said.

“Rationally!?” Dr. Green yelled, “The village is being attacked by a bloody Demon!”

“I wouldn’t say it’s being attacked by the Demon,” the Mayor said. “After all, it isn’t like it has tried to kill anyone yet.”

“The daisies thing took three, I repeat, three, of my sheep! If that isn’t an act of war, I don’t know what is!”

“I understand, Johnston. The point is, we aren’t going to get anything done about this unless we-”

“The point is, Mayor,” Dr. Green yelled, interrupting, “That you don’t see what a huge issue this is!”

“I see exactly how huge an issue this is, thank you very much!” the Mayor bellowed. “What you all don’t see is that all this yelling and screaming will solve nothing! Unless we can all just discuss this calmly I will adjourn this meeting right now! Do you understand?”

The room quieted.

“Good. Now, who was it that spotted the Demon first? It was you, Ms. Schmelman, wasn’t it?”

Ms. Schmelman stood. “Yes, it was.”

“Can you tell us what exactly you saw?”

“Well,” she said, “My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but a few days ago I swore I saw something move over near the mountains. There appeared to be smoke rising out of it. At first, I simply thought it was a trick my old eyes were playing on me, but I guess it turned out to be real.”

“Interesting…” the Mayor said, slowly. “Has anyone seen the thing up close?”

“I have!” Farmer Johnston yelled. “It was just the day before yesterday! I saw the daisies thing taking three of my sheep! Three!”

“Yes, we all know, Johnston. Can you describe the Demon for us? What kind was it? Troll? Dragon? Basilisk?”

“It wasn’t like any Demon I’ve seen before. I’m calling it a Spider.”

“Why?”

“’Cause it had about twenty legs.”

“Spiders only have 8 legs,” Kevin called out from the back of the room.

“Whatever! They looked like spider legs, so I‘m calling it a spider!”

“Could you recognize were it was from? Was it one of the Government’s?”

“Didn’t appear to be. At least, not officially. It was probably some experimental thingamabob that was rejected after testing, or something. Probably found by some sort of criminal.”

“Interesting. Has anyone else seen the monstrosity?”

“We all have, Mayor!” Dr. Green shouted. “The daisies thing is the size of a bloody house! You’d have to be blind to miss it!”

“All right, all right, there’s no need to-”

“No! There’s plenty need to! Everyone already knows what it looks like, everyone’s already seen it, everyone already knows it’s here, and everyone knows that it is an illegal non-government model! What we should be discussing is how to get rid of the daisies thing! If we aren’t going to do that, then all this meeting serves as is another grand example of the incompetence of our mayor! So, are we going to figure out how to beat the Demon, or what!?”

Kevin sighed. The appearance of the Demon had really bothered Dr. Green for some reason. Soon after the thing had appeared, Green had just disappeared into his workshop. He only left a few times, and even then, it was just to ask people about the Demon and what they knew about it. Whenever Kevin asked him what he was doing in there, he just answered with “preparations”. He refused to go into any more detail, no matter how many times he was asked.

After a brief pause, the Mayor finally responded. “Well, I suppose there is only one thing we really can do. We just have to leave it alone, and hope it goes away.”

“What!?” Dr. Green screamed, “Are you serious!? We can’t just leave it alone and let it terrorize us like this!”

“What else can we do?”

“Fight it, of course!”

“Fight it? Fight it? With what? How is a small village like ours supposed to fight a giant tool of destruction like that thing? No, there is no way we can ever hope to take it down. We have nothing.”

“But-”

“There is no more to say. There is nothing we can do.”

“Couldn’t we at least send a message to the Government-”

“And what would they do? Nothing, that’s what. The Government has more important affairs than saving a tiny village like us.”

Dr. Green glared at the Mayor. “So, you plan to do nothing?”

“Nothing is all we can do. I wish we could do something else. Everyone here does. But we can’t”

“That’s what you think!” Dr. Green yelled, pointing at the Mayor. “You may want to give up, and just let this happen, but I don’t! So some idiot has a stupid machine, so what? Two can play at that game! I’ll show you all! I’ll take care of this whole thing myself!”

Dr. Green stormed out of the room. Kevin soon followed him.

“Wait!” Kevin said, “You don’t honestly plan to fight that thing, do you?”

“Of course I plan to fight that thing.”

“Are you kidding!? How!? What do you plan to do, just punch it until it breaks? It’s made out of tough materials made to withstand bullets! Nothing we have could ever hope to dent that thing.”

“Kevin, do you really think me the type to do something like this unprepared?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Look. Meet me by Johnston’s Farm in two hours. You’ll see what I have planned. You’ll understand then.”

Two hours later, Kevin was walking to Johnston’s Farm. Dr. Green was, by far, the smartest person in the village, but still, he had to wonder if Dr. Green really knew what he was doing. You can’t just fight a Demon. You just… can’t. It was like trying to carve a sculpture out of marble with your bare hands, or swimming without limbs. It was impossible. You needed certain tools and resources in order to take on a demon, and that usually meant using a Demon of your own. Kevin was pretty sure he never heard about a Demon being taken down by anything else.

He arrived at the farm. Dr. Green was there, waiting for him. He was holding a large case.

“Hello,” Kevin said.

“Skip the formalities. This is important. You want to see how I’m going to stop that thing, right? Well, look at this.”
Dr. Green opened the case. Inside, was a large tube-shaped device. It had an opening one on end, and had a trigger at the bottom. It appeared to be a weapon.

“What does it do?” Kevin asked.

“Well, it’s really simple,” Dr. Green explained. “It fires small, explosive pellets, about the size of your fist. These pellets are packed with a super-explosive substance. If I’m correct, the power of these pellets will be able to take destroy that thing.”

“…You think that some tiny pellets can take down a Demon?”

“Yes. Yes I do,” Dr. Green said, loading the device. “Remember, they are super-explosive. They are more powerful than most of the weapons on the average Demon. They’re probably even more powerful than all the weapons on this one.”

“…And you built this thing yourself?”

“Yes. I did. I’ve been working on it for years. I had to rush a little bit the last few days to get it done, but it’s finished now. I think today is the day to test it.”

“…What? Are you going to fire it at Johnston’s crops or something?”

“What? No. I was implying that I was going to attempt to take down the Demon.”

“Without even testing it!? Look, I thought you were an idiot before, but now I think you are just crazy!”

“Look, I know what I’m doing! If you don’t like it, you can just-”

Dr. Green was not able to finish. There was an interruption. A great, big interruption.

The sounds of giant footsteps could be heard. Metal creaked and cried and as scraped against more metal. The sound of 30 engines could be heard.

Lumbering towards the farm, was the D.E.M.O.N. Smoke and steam bellowed from it as pistons and engines worked to move the mechanical monstrosity forward. Farm Johnston had exaggerated, it did not have 20 “legs“, only 14. 14 rusty, metal, limbs protruding from all sides from a small, cylindrical “body“. Despite the amount of “limbs“, it still resembled a spider. It was an old, experimental model, abandoned after a failed test by the Government and then later found and repaired by people who didn‘t bother with petty things like “law“. It was old, rusty, and poorly armed compared to the army-destroying D.E.M.O.N.S of the government, but to Kevin and Dr. Green, it seemed monstrous and unbeatable.

“Oh my god…” Kevin said, in awe.

“And so, the prey falls right into the trap of the hunter,” Dr. Green said, “Watch closely, Kevin. You will see how exaggerated the power of these machines really is.”

“No, wait, don’t-”

To Kevin, the next few events appeared to be in slow-motion. Dr. Green leapt forward at the beast. The trigger was pulled, and the pellet was propelled straight forward to the mechanical beast. It hit one of the legs, and exploded. The machine lurched, and staggered. The cylindrical part turned. Kevin could just make out a small window, where it’s pilot presumably was. It faced Dr. Green.

And then it fired.

A hail of bullets came out of the bottom of the cylinder. Some hit Dr. Green in the legs. He fell to the ground. He desperately attempted to aim and take another shot. He missed. There was another hail of bullets. He was hit again. This, time, lethally.

Dr. Green lay on the ground, motionless, dead. Kevin stared in shock. He couldn’t believe it. Dr. Green couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t. He had always been there. They had been friends for as long as Kevin could remember. He couldn’t be dead. This was a dream. It had to be.

The machine paused for a short while, and then turned back to the farm. One of its long legs impaled a sheep and lifted it up in the air. Its many legs allowed it to keep several legs in the air with the sheep while stilling being able to move. It impaled another sheep. It probably planned to take the whole flock.

Kevin didn’t even notice. He continued to stare at his friends body, and watched as the grass was stained red with his blood. At first, he felt simply shock. Then, he began to feel sadness. Now, however, he felt something else. He felt rage.

He glared at the cylinder, where the mysterious pilot controlled the mechanical beast’s every move. What the hell gave it the right to just come here, terrorize the town, take sheep, and kill his friend? He was not going to let them get away with this.

He was going to make it pay.

He charged forward, and took the strange weapon from Dr. Green’s cold hands. He immediately fired it at the monstrosity. It hit one of the joints where a leg connected to the cylinder. The pellet exploded, the leg immediately fell off, and the monstrosity stumbled. It turned. Kevin could practically hear the pilot’s thoughts. “What’s that” the pilot was probably thinking, “Another one? I’ll simply kill him like I killed the other one. Simply, and easily.”

Well, it wasn’t going to be that easy, thought Kevin.

As the D.E.M.O.N fired, Kevin jumped behind a large rock. He couldn’t make the same mistake Dr. Green did and simply charge at the beast. That would be suicide. He would just end up like Dr. Green and be nothing more than a cold, dead, corpse bleeding in the grass.

Kevin thought out his next course of action. He was safe for a few moments, behind this rock. The gunfire from the machine may have been powerful, but it couldn’t penetrate solid stone. Kevin figured he would have to jump out, fire, and then jump behind cover again. Or would that be too obvious? Perhaps it would be better to-

Suddenly, Kevin heard something fly through the air. It was only a moment before he realized what it was. He jumped to the side as fast as he could, and the ground behind him exploded, sending the supposedly safe rock flying. So, this thing has explosives, Kevin thought, this may be more difficult than anticipated.

Kevin felt he should be afraid. He should be horrified. But, for some reason, he wasn’t. Perhaps it was the rage. Perhaps it was the rush of battle. Whatever it was, he did not feel scared in the slightest. In fact, much to his surprise, he sort of enjoyed this.

Kevin ran as fast as he could behind the barn. He turned and fired at the monstrosity once again before he got behind his new cover. The pellet hit, once again hitting the area where the legs met the cylinder. Two more legs dropped off. Although the D.E.M.O.N could still move, it was not made to work without all of it’s legs. It would not be moving as quickly, nor would it be able to aim as well.

Another explosive was launched from the Spider, and part of the barn was destroyed. The rest of it was on fire. Smoke filled the air. Using the smoke as cover, Kevin once again leapt out at his foe and fired. It was another hit, right to the joints, yet again. More legs dropped off. The thing could no longer stand. It was off balance now. It was missing all it’s legs on one side. It fell to the ground. It began desperately firing as the pilot began to realize what a bad situation he was really in. Due to the panicked state of the pilot and the awkward angle to the machine, the shots missed.

Kevin charged forward. He fired. It was a hit. The cylinder was damaged. He fired again. Another hit. The cylinder was on fire. He fired once more. Yet another hit. This time, the cylinder exploded.

Pieces of metal went flying everywhere. Pieces of the pilot most likely went flying everywhere, too. Kevin had won. He had beaten the unbeatable. Did what not even he had thought possible. He stared at the wreckage. He realized something.

People began to show up, wondering what all the noise and commotion was. There was some yelling. There was some panic about the fire. There was some crying about the deceased Dr. Green. There were cries of astonishment upon seeing the defeated D.E.M.O.N. Some people approached Kevin. They asked him questions, congratulated him, or even blamed him. He ignored them. He continued walking.

Eventually, the fire was put out, and Dr. Green’s body was carried off. Farmer Johnston complained about his sheep, and the Mayor pointed to the wreckage, lecturing everyone about how none of this death or destruction would have happened if they had just followed his advice. Kevin ignored all of this. He simply walked off.

He had gotten a taste of combat, and felt what it was like to go up against impossible odds.

Much to his astonishment, he had enjoyed it.

I enjoyed your story.

Hey guys- I'm kinda sorta back

anyway, i've been expanding on that whole idea of mine for a soon to be comic/graphic novel/thing-with-lots-of-pictures

SO- I suppose I'll start over, if no one minds-

A punch flew in the direction of Zang, hitting him in the back of the head, and knocking him onto the bar. Zang was around the age of 15, he had brown hair and brown eyes.

"YOUR GONNA SCRUB THAT BAR 'TILL IT SHINES, YA RAT!" yelled Bart, as he threw a rag at him. Bart was the owner, a rather heavy man, but a rather strong man, probably in his late thirties. Bart walked upstairs mumbling and swearing.

"Bart still mad about us spikin' that ladies tea?" said Coran, walking out of the kitchen with a glass of tea in his hand and leaning on the bar. "Here" he said with a half smile, handing the drink to Zang.

Zang took a gulp and set it down. "Thanks", he replied, with a half smile himself. Coran and Zang were friends for as long as either one of them could remember. Coran had red hair, and was Zang's age, and had a terribly large cowlick on the right side of his head.

"I'm about sick of that jerk bossing me around, it's just not right."Zang said frusteratedly.

"Well, we're gonna have to put up with it for now, we need the cheddar to keep the orphanage up, even miss Annie is working here, and she's the caretaker! B'sides- you know this inn wouldn't be standin long without us runnin it"

all for now, bye guys

I stopped reading here. If you're still writing that awkwardly, you're going to need to write a fuck-tonne more before anybody wants to read it.

Also, don't bitch that you're doing a comic. If that's the case, go draw your comic, don't post shitty writing.

I like your story, Zink.

But Zang... just, what Spoony said. A comic outline is not a story.

Zang.

Don't awkwardly describe a punch, and then immediately afterward awkwardly describe how someone looks.

Not only is the way you describe things awkward, the way you suddenly go from describing a punch to describing a person is more awkward. Putting them together makes an AWKWARD X2 COMBO.

And, as Spoony and Bacon said, if you want to make a comic then make a comic. Don't make something completely different and expect us to judge it by the fact it is supposed to be a comic. It's like making an animation and telling people that it is supposed to be a short story. It just doesn't work.


Also Bacon I am glad you enjoyed my story. I actually made a few minor changes to it, so I might edit those in (Of course, the most major of those changes is that Ms. No-Name is now Ms. Schelman, so they aren't really important). I probably should edit in all the italics I used, though, since I use italics a lot and they are kind of important to how the story is read.

this is way too vague and awkward. at least go with "Bart's fist flew through the air and landed in the back of Zang's head, knocking him into the bar.

get rid of that comma.

this completely messes up whatever flow you had to your writing. it's completely irrelevant, why did you mention this?


please don't use rather like that twice in the same sentence, it immediately gets redundant. also that sentence is a run-on. replace the part in brackets with "a rather heavy but strong man". in the last sentence, replace bart with "he then" or something to that effect, starting both of those sentences with "Bart" makes it seem like a children's book, "spot runs around. spot goes to the store".

i'm not too fond of that first sentence. it's a bit long, but it works. don't forget your commas.

this is a very awkward introduction. it sounds like you just threw him in and Zang was thinking "oh okay here's my friend."


i don't really have any problems with this bit of dialogue at the moment.

the only real problems i have is that your characters are very flat and that i don't think you're great at writing, no offense intended.