AWKWARD ZOMBIE

This made me lose. But I'll be quiet and let you people get back to In-depth critiquing!

this isn't really a story, more of a story pitch (the idea for a story)


Zang and his two best friends grow up in a forested town orphans, they were always told to stay out of the east side of the forest, and grew up on stories of magic and of the Mana Tree that is said to be located in their forest, they had looked everywhere as children for the mana tree, but couldn't find it.

as they grew older and gave up on finding it, Zang steals a map from the village elder's home, the map shows the location of the mana tree- the east side of the forest. Zang and his friends take off into the forest and find the tree, along with an odd, unnatural creature. when the creature attacks Flora, one of Zangs friends, Zang finds his courage and swings a tree limb at it. in a flash of white the limb is replaced with a sword. a dark haired mage then appears and helps them defeat the creature. the mage explains that he is the Forest Guardian, and tells Zang that he has awoken his heartweapon. the mage sends him to talk to a wizard in the castle town to explain more on the heart wielders

the wizard explains about the heart wielders- ancient warriors that were thought to have dissappeared, they were ones who had awoken their inner strength, and acted true to their hearts, they were granted powers and a weapon that suites them best, in Zang's case, this was a sword

the wizard goes on to explain that a warlock named Nazarack has opened portals to the Black Realm in different places all over the kingdom.

the Black Realm is a dimension where evil monsters abide, they seek only destruction. they have no reason, they have no hearts, they just destroy.

he tells Zang and his friends that he must go to the portals and destroy the dark entities that are holding the portals open, find Nazarack, and defeat him.

The wizard also tells the trio that there will no doubt be other Heart Wielders on their journey, but be warned- not all of them are on their side

Yeah, that's sounding just like KH.

What have you guys done.

Well, when we get down to basic details, everything is very similar. You could compare Kingdom Hearts to Dune if you used few enough adjectives.

I'm sure that once Zang has expanded upon the ideas, differences will begin to emerge that make it much more original.

i do plan to expand on it, trust me, by the time i get all the characters and such worked out, it'll sound much more original

it's hard to do that without giving out spoilers

Not to be a bitch, but this is sort of a rip off every videogame ever.

well crud.... guess i'll have to completely toss every idea i ever had ever about hearts

ah well, i'd rather have someone tell me that my storyline is terrible then that it's a ripoff-


Story pitch #2

....no thats a ripoff of twilight princess......


story pitch #3

okay...


Zang and his friends go looking for the legendary "mana tree" but when they do find it, they arrive to see a portal being opened by Nazarack and Black Beings attacking a dark haired man in green clothes (its not link shutup) Zang and his friends pick up fallen tree limbs and do their best to help.
eventually the dark haired man uses magic- mana blasts shoot out of his hands at the monsters and he fends off them, inturrupting Nazarack. Nazarack looks at the four and states that they will regret helping him. he steps into a black gateway and dissappears.
The dark haired man explains that he is the forest guardian, and that Nazarack has been opening portals to the Black Realm all over the kingdom. "He'll be back soon, but with help" the man tells them,
he tells them to go meet a blacksmith in the castle,
later they find out that the blacksmith has some magic abilities, and uses that to make weapons that suit them best.


thats as far as i got on this, what do you think?

PORTALS? BLACK BEINGS, OBLIVION RIPOFF.

no just kidding.
That sounds a lot better. I mean it just sound like a better storywise.

Uh, her daughter went missing, not just the cookie.

I'ma stick to comic form.

i read the first part and i was like "NUU I NEVER PLAYED OBLIVION BEFORE!"

and then i'm like "whew"

They way it was written made it sound like just the cookie went missing, before you talked about her being in space.

And also, know why things happen. If making fresh air in space doesn't make sense/you don't know why, do something else.

WUT

Btw, Portal invented portals.

i lost

How about you stop "pitching" half-baked, bad ideas, and write something instead? Then read it, and write it again? I find that it usually comes out better than "OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL VIDYA"