AWKWARD ZOMBIE

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:45 pm 
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Yes, please. Part of the reason that I looked into posting it here was because my friends aren't the greatest for critiquing things like this.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:09 pm 
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OKAY SO

I think there needs to be a bit more, background description. not a whole lot, but a setting would be nice. The main characters also comes off as a little 'look how cool i am' but it is first person, hrm.

OKAY BUT THERE YOU GO

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:14 pm 
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Okay. Thanks. I'll work on describing the environment more.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:22 pm 
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yay i'm helpful


also is it okay if i post? i don't want to like, have your story skipped over.

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:31 pm 
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No problem. If I feel like need to, I'll just quote a summary of the previous chapter when I post next.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 4:35 pm 
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NEVERMIND

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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Last edited by Superior Bacon on Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 5:15 pm 
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Well, since you guys rez'd this thead, here's a thing I did for uni last year. We had to find a picture of somebody we didn't know, and write a story about them. I picked this guy:

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The last few muddy drips of loosely called “water” trickled into the drain as Chester stood behind the tissue-thin shower curtain. Crumbs surrounded his feet from the biscuit he was gorging on. This was a concern for him, because the shower was where you went to get clean. How could you properly clean yourself in an unclean environment? Of course, he usually would have been much more careful, but his attention was elsewhere. Rifle at the ready in his other hand, Chester stared intently around the room. It was sparse, even for a bathroom. There was a wash basin immaculate enough to use in surgical procedures, a drug cabinet filled with alphabetised anti-stress pills (each bottle containing exactly ten pills) and a towel rack with no towels.
Concluding that the bathroom was secure, for the time being, Chester pushed the shower curtain back. Finished with the cookie, he gripped the rifle with both hands now. As he moved through the room, his eyes fell on the drug cabinet. The doctors had told him that he needed the pills to calm down. They clouded his mind from the truths of this world, and left him defenceless. The pills had remained untouched for a month. Reaching the door, Chester braced himself. After counting to three, he kicked the door open, and snapped his head violently around the main room of the apartment.
It was a lifeless room that at first glance seemed like an overlooked crime-scene. There were no photos. A pile of newspapers dating back three years dominated one corner and in another was a broken black-and-white television. After poking through the newspapers with the tip of his rifle, Chester slowly stepped over some open books on the floor toward the centre of the room. There was a strange construction that seemed like the kind of thing you needed an aluminium foil helmet to understand. He scoffed at the thought. Aluminium hats actually increased the likelihood that your mind would be susceptible to radio-waves. Clearly the government had been behind that ridiculous assertion.
The construction was a complex series of mirrors and boxes that let him look out the sole window in the apartment without anybody being able to look back. The street below was basically empty. It was the middle of the day, so most people were at school, or work. Standing sentry twelve stories above the city, Chester almost felt safe. It wouldn’t be entirely safe until he moved underground, nut for now, he was content.
“Chester.” He heard a voice behind him. “Rodney!” He exclaimed, clearly elated. Chester didn’t really know who (or what) Rodney was. He’d just been at home one day and had heard a voice introduce itself as Rodney. The first thing that it said was not to turn around; he’d never actually seen what it looked like. It said that if he turned around, it would leave, and never come back. Chester didn’t want that. “Why haven’t you been taking your pills, Chester?” He was still watching the streets through his mirror contraption. “Lonely.” He said quietly, almost to himself. There was a woman walking down the street now, with a dog.”I know you like having me around Chester, but you should be taking you pills, even if it makes me go away. What did the doctors tell you?” He was still watching the woman and her dog walk down the street. They seemed so pop flyin' together. At the mention of the doctors, Chester furrowed his brow. “Dangerous.” He muttered under his breath. “That’s right, Chester.” Rodney’s voice never had a clear direction. It always seemed to be coming from everywhere. “They said that if you got too stressed out, you could start hallucinating, and maybe have a heart attack.” He had an oily, soothing voice. Chester always felt better when Rodney was around.
“Rodney.” He started. The rifle was starting to get incredibly heavy. “Yes Chester?” Replied the omnipresent voice. “Why?” The woman and her dog and left the street below, and Chester looked away from his mirrors, staring at the wall. “Why what, Chester? I don’t understand.” He looked concerned for a moment, and then slightly annoyed. “Exist.” He said this with a trace of ire in his voice, as if he resented the fact. “Well, that’s question number one, isn’t it chap?” Rodney’s voice became softer, as if it was more distant than before. “Why?” Chester repeated, almost hostilely. “You know, friend, I’m not entirely sure.” Now the voice was closer, and clearer. “You don’t have any family any more, you got fired from your job at the office after that quite unfortunate business with the bomb scare, and I’m your only friend left.” Beads of sweat were starting to form on Chester’s forehead. The room was getting stuffy. “Government.” He said, less of a statement and more of a question. “Now Chester, I think we both know that your ideas about the Government are a little silly.” It almost sounded patronising. “Why would the Government care about your thoughts and actions? I mean, look at what they’ve done to your apartment, much less your life.”
Chester’s grip on the rifle got harder. “Change?” He asked, hesitantly. “Oh Chester, I wouldn’t think too much about that.” Now the voice sounded much more serious. “Have you thought about how things are going to change for you? Soon enough, you aren’t going to be able to pay your rent, and then you’re going to be homeless Chester; out on the streets. That doesn’t sound like much fun, does it champ?” Rodney was speaking like you’d speak to a child. “Cold.” Chester whispered mournfully, finally letting go of his rifle so that he could cross his arms, thinking about the cold. “That’s right Chester, it would be very cold. You’d probably run out of food, too, and I doubt you’d be able to pay the nice doctors for more pills.” Chester stood in front of the window. He hadn’t been outside in the longest time.
“It’s a little cramped in here, isn’t it pal? Why don’t you open the window and let some fresh air in?” He pried the window open for the first time that he could remember. Air rushed in through the apartment, expelling the collective scent of paranoia. The streets looked inviting from the window. “Rodney.” He sounded pleading. “Yes Chester? It’s mighty high up here, isn’t it?” Chester winced, still staring below. “Tired.” He sighed, clearly meaning it. “You know, I’m pretty tired too Chester.” He stood in silence, the wind clearing his mind. Rodney spoke again. “I think I’ve got a solution for all of our problems, Chester. You won’t have to worry about pills, the Government, cleaning the wash basin, or me leaving. It’ll all go away.” Chester almost turned around in glee, but he wanted to hear Rodney’s answer. “Please!” He begged, desperate for any help he could get. The voice sounded incredibly close, as if it were whispering right into his ears. “One little step, old friend. Just one little step forwards.” Chester looked scared. “Heights.” He told the voice. “Trust me, Rodney. One little step out of that window, and all of our problems will just melt away. Would I lie to you?” He shook his head furiously. “Friend.” He spoke to the air rushing through the window. “That’s right Chester. I’m your friend. I wouldn’t want to hurt you. Now, just step over that window, and it’ll all be over.” Rodney’s voice was overly cheery. Chester didn’t care anymore. He was tired, so daisies tired. Climbing over the window, he stared at the street below. It looked like it was smiling at him, beckoning him forward. Chester took that one little step out into the void, and hoped that wherever he was going, Rodney was coming with him.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 5:26 pm 
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Oh wow.

I remember seeing that picture before and I'm just so surprised at how you developed him into his own story.

Aaahhhh I noticed only a few typos but everything else is Amazing.
Ending fits it so well.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:11 am 
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Harry had found some food. It was guarded by three and a million thousandsurf ninjas, for it was the last food on Surf Ninja Moon X. The ecology had been decimated by surf ninjas, so the last food was a cabbage and mustard sandwich. Harry squatted in the ruins of a castle which had been many skulls arranged to resemble one large one. It had been poorly done, with the cheeks fading into an amateurishly executed jaw line. The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surfboards during the day.

Harry was about to eat his cabbagewich when a man in a tuxedo appeared from behind nothing much. He stood ten feet tall and his head seemed wrapped in unwrappable darkness.

"I am Rape Radbury. I write critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact. That's why I have more cheddar than anyone."

Harry dug a bit of cartilage out of the cabbagewich and continued chewing.

"Would you care to discuss one of my books? I hear that my..."

Harry fished out another bit of cartilage. It was a cartilage and mustard sandwich.

"You shouldn't believe what everyone says about me. I took a shower with my cousin, once. And I have racist thoughts."

A nibbet of yellow cartilage landed on Rape's shoe. He thought about his cousin.

The end.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:13 am 
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what the hell

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[5:06:23 PM] Yeili: this is kind of cool, i've beaten a murderer in mario party.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:14 am 
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It's Harry Potter, don't worry.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:14 am 
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I lost.

Best story ever.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:42 am 
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Okay, This is the first part of Chapter 2 of the story I posted earlier. As a quick summary of Ch. 1, The Hunter was out doing his job, happened to take a nap in a quiet alley, and after being startled out of a strange dream, was awoken by a demon attacking. He quickly dispatched it. He was then approached by a woman named Vivian Redstone to retrieve an "assignment" from the Abandon (what they call our world). Chapter 1 is on page 6.


Warning: This part will seem entirely unrelated until the next post, but I didn't want this thing to be too long.


CHAPTER TWO
(2.1)


Okay, before I start in on this part of the story, I feel as though I should make it clear that anything I wasn’t there for was told to me, and will be in the past tense. Just to avoid any confusion. Now quit reading my miserable story and go get a life.

For those of you who ignored the last order and refuse to get off your asses, listen up then.


She looked up at her father, who towered over her. What exactly was he angry with her for this time? She hadn’t even--

“Why did you lie to me, little girl?” he shouted, his words slurring drunkenly. He smacked her across the face. “Why?”

She was confused. What had she lied about? She was sure that there was nothing, but she could have been wrong again. She was wrong so often.

Her father picked her up by the collar of her shirt and demanded an explanation again. There was nothing to say. Her mother just sat there, across the kitchen, to scared to do anything but watch.

She searched for her glasses somewhere on the floor where they had been knocked off of her face when her father hit her. Wait, why was she letting this happen? Had it been anyone but her father, she would have immediately defended herself. But she helplessly let this old man hit her across the face with no argument?

Why? He wasn't especially huge or monstrous, but to her, he was something to be feared. Like a monster. Like God.

Just then, the door opened and a boy of about twenty years walked into the house. “Sorry I’m late. I ran into some car trouble on th-- Dad! What are you doing?! Get away from her!”

The young man pulled his father away from the girl. In the struggle, she briefly glimpsed the blurry shape of her brother’s boot crushing her glasses. Her mother ran to her, checking to see if she was alright.

“Let go of me, Liam,” their father ordered with a snarl.

“I think you should go out for a breath of fresh air, Dad.” Liam began to guide their father toward the door. He glanced briefly over his shoulder. “You alright, Elise?”

She nodded as she wiped the blood away from her mouth. She had been through worse. She had started to stand up when Liam opened the door. She heard Liam shout and her mother scream before she looked up.

She looked back to the wall to find her father's torso suddenly rotten and gory, resting sloppily beneath the smudges of dead blood where it had slid down the wall, far from the old man's legs. She wanted to scream, cry and vomit all at once.

She heard it before she saw it. It sounded like a thousand warped screams of agony and twisting metal. The supernatural assailant now made itself visible. It materialized from a dark miasma into a shimmering mess of perpetually moving blades.

Liam muttered something before he grabbed her by the arm and they ran.


Last edited by Riku on Sun Jan 24, 2010 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:47 am 
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hey spoony use the enter button more k


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:50 am 
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The paragraph breaks are clear enough. Besides, like I said, that was for a thing a year ago; can't really be bothered touching it up much.


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