Okay, so, Dreilix, I'm your secret santa. Originally, I wanted to make a comic for you, but there was no way I would be able to finish it on time. Thus, I decided to turn the whole thing into a short story. I'm really sorry about that, but it probably works better as a short story, anyway, since I'm a much better writer than artist. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS WRITING IT WORD PROCESSOR CRASHED AND I HAD TO REWRITE LIKE HALF OF IT WHICH WAS VERY RAGE-ENDUCING SO I SUFFERED FOR THIS.
Quote:
Dreilix sat in his home. It was an average sort of day. For him, anyway. For some people, it was a very odd day. Like a man in Utah who had his house taken over by the Great Termite Army. It was actually a really interesting occurrence. You see, he had woken up, and termites were bodaciously everywhere. They were all like “YOU ARE A PRISONER OF WAR” and he was all like “OH NO YOU AIN’T!”. So he picked up a baseball bat and hit the nearest termite right in the face, and the termites started swarming everywhere and tearing the whole place apart. They ended up eating the guy’s bat, and he was forced to retreat into the bathroom. He stood in his bathtub and turned on the water because he had heard that termites can’t swim. It turned out he was wrong, and he made a hasty retreat from the tub and dashed in the kitchen. That’s when he had a very clever idea, and he immediately pushed the “kill all termites in the house” button that he had installed a while ago for reasons that even he didn’t understand. Somehow, he didn’t think of pushing that oddly specific button before. Anyway, after he hit it, all the termites died and the man was the winner of what would be known as the Grand Termite War of 2009.
Well, anyway, that was some other guy that doesn’t matter. This story is about Dreilix. Dreilix continuing sitting in his house for a few hours. He really didn’t have anything better to do. “This is a quite uninteresting and boring day,” Dreilix said to himself, “I really wish something interesting and exciting would happen. That really would be nice.” He glanced back and forth a few times. “Who am I talking to?
Suddenly, Dreilix’s phone rang! “Crap!” Dreilix said to himself, “I need to answer that, but the phone is all the way on the other side of the room! I really don’t feel like standing up, so I have to find a way to answer it without leaving this chair!”
Dreilix looked around the room for any possible solution. “I know!” Dreilix exclaimed, “I’ll use these curtains to make a lasso and then grab the phone with said lasso! That way, I’ll be able to answer it without standing up!” Dreilix immediately reached for the curtains, but then he stopped. “No, wait,” he said to himself, “I can’t do that. These curtains were expensive. Also, I poisoned them for some reason, and they are now incredibly deadly.” The phone continued to ring. Dreilix sighed to himself. “I guess I just have to get up and answer the phone.” He did so.
“Hello?” said Dreilix, answering the phone!
“Dreilix, it’s an emergency!”
“Chief? Is that you? What’s the problem!”
“Dreilix, we have managed to track down the headquarters of the evil and vile Gang of Generic Villanins and Mobsters! “
“Are you serious? We have finally managed to track down the headquarters of the organization that our organization has been trying to destroy for so long?”
“That’s right!” the Chief responded, ignoring the obvious exposition, “However, we can’t just storm in there! We need an agent to infiltrate the place, join there ranks, and then do absolutely nothing for like a year or so! Think you can do it?”
“Hah!” Dreilix laughed, “Joining a group of some kind and then doing nothing for about a year or so is what I do best!”
“GREAT! I knew I could count on you! I’m emailing you the location of the base. Now you get in there!”
A few hours later…
Dreilix sat in an auditorium. The seats surrounding him were filled with cliche’ villains and unoriginal mobsters. The oldish, tough looking guy in a suit on stage began to speak.
“Hello, and welcome to the orientation for the Gang of Generic Villains and Mobsters. I am your leader, Daisy Cauliflower. By the way, if any of you so much as giggle at my name, I will walk over to you and rip every single one of your limbs off. I will then tie them together to make some sort of whip, and beat what is left of you to death with it. Then, I will study the art of necromancy and bring you back to life, just so I can light you on fire and watch you burn to death. Afterwards, I will resurrect you once more and place a curse on you so you will be unable to die. I will then toss you into a meat grinder and turn your technically still living body into delicious sausages, which I will then eat. Due to the curse I will have placed on you, you will still be alive and will feel enormous amounts of pain as you are chewed, digested and crapped out. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the orientation. Uh… There’s isn’t really much more to say about our organization. Just be evil and do what we say. That’s pretty much all there is to it. Anyway, we are pop flyin' you are here to join us, blah blah blah, you know the rest. Now, shut up, go away, and leave me alone.”
The crowd cheered and applauded for the moving speech. Dreilix, however, simply sat where he was, without moving. He had a whole lot of nothing to do, and he was going to get started on that nothing as soon as possible.
Approximately 1 year later…
“So, that weirdo is still here, eh?
“Yeah. He hasn’t moved an inch since his orientation. He’s just been sitting there, doing nothing for an entire year.
“Bill, I already know that. I’ve sort of, you know, been here before! Stop it with the pointless exposition!”
“Sorry, Joe, it’s a bad habit.”
“So, anyway, I see you have been continuing your hobby of balancing books on his unmoving head.”
“Oh, yeah, I have. I have 14 balanced up there right now. Only one more and I will have beaten my old record.”
“Cool. Just be careful not to put too many. His head might break off or something”
As Bill put the 15th book on Dreilix’s head, Dreilix heard a voice coming from his ear piece. “Dreilix”, the voice said, “It has been long enough. It is time to end the waiting. It is now time for you to strike!
Dreilix immediately leapt forward at the two mobsters. “I knew it!” Joe tried to say, “I told you 15 books was too much! Why didn’t you listen to me!?”. He wasn’t able to say it, though, because the way Dreilix was slamming his head into the floor made it awfully hard to talk.
After smashing Joe’s head into the ground a suitable amount of times, Dreilix immediately spun around and kicked Bill right in the face. “Noooooo, that was my favorite face!” Bill yelled as he went flying into the wall. Dreilix looked around the room. He had to find the leader of the organization, Daisy Cauliflower, but he had no idea where his office. He that heading to the top floor of the building would be the best course of action.
Dreilix burst out of the auditorium into the hall. Some mobsters were standing around a water cooler having a conversation. At least, they were, until Dreilix shoved each of their heads into said water cooler and slammed it into the ground. A mobster near the other end of the hall witnessed this, and immediately dashed for an alarm. He managed to pull it right before Dreilix caught up to him and tossed him out the window. Red lights began to flash, and “WARNING, WARNING, INTRUDER ALERT” could be heard throughout the building. Mobsters and villains throughout the building sprung into action, and by “sprung into action”, I mean they sighed, blocked their ears, and waited for the noise to be over so that they could get their work done.
Dreilix ran into the elevator and pressed the button to go to the top floor. He calmly stood and waited. Some elevator music started to play, so he kicked the speaker so hard that it exploded. He really didn’t like elevator music.
The elevator doors opened, and Dreilix was greeted with a ridiculously large amount of goons, all armed with wine bottles, baseball bats, hockey sticks, wet towels twisted up into a whip, and all sorts of other deadly weapons. However, before the goons could use their instruments of pain to create a symphony of death, Drealix charged forward and stacking beating the ever-loving crap out of every single one of them! He threw flurries of punches and kicks, and would take their weapons out of their hands and use them in his fight. Due to the large amount of mobsters in such a small hallway, the goons would trip over each other whenever they tried to move, and hit each other whenever they tried to attack. It wasn’t long before each and every goon lay defeated on the floor. Their whiny groans of pain could be heard throughout the building.
Dreilix waded through the badly beaten mobsters and entered the door at the other end of the hall. Inside was a large, dark, and empty room. However, Dreilix soon noticed that it wasn’t empty at all! He could just barely see the silhouette of a man wearing a top hat and suit.
“I see zat’ you have managed to defeat all zose’ minions we sent to get rid of you,” the man said in what was quite possibly the worst, most-fake sounding French accent Dreilix had ever heard, “but your battle is not over yet. You must now face, me, Jacques Le’ Jacques Van Jacques, ze’ greatest evil mastermind ze‘ world has ever know!
Jacques Le’ Jacques Van Jacques stepped into the light. He looked just like how you would expect a man speaking with a bad French accent who called himself Jacque Le’ Jacques Van Jacques would look. You know, tiny, evil looking mustache, a top hat, a suit with a rose in it, big angry eyebrows, that sort of thing. “Now,” Jacques Le’ Jacques Van Jacques said, “It is time for us to FI-”
The main reason he didn’t finish was because Dreilix had gotten impatient and punched him across the room. Actually, that was pretty much the only reason he didn’t finish.
“Arghhh…” Jacques said, standing up, “You punch well. Much more well than I. However, zat’ does not mean zat’ you are the victor! Prepare to face: Steve, ze’ greatest fighting robot the world has ever known!”
Out of the corner walked a human-sized robot. It was covered in spikes, missiles, guns, lasers, and other things you would rather something trying to kill you not have. It walked closer and closer to Dreilix. It then fell forward onto the ground. It’s legs continued kicking in the air in a walking motion.
“…Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit when I said greatest,” Jacques Le’ Jacques Van Jacques said, “I guess I still have a few… bugs to work out. I probably should have dealt with zat’ “falls over when walking” issue before I deemed it combat-wothy…” Jacques looked back and forth and sighed. “Well, I’ve got nothing,” he said, no longer bothering with the horrible French accent, “I guess you win. Whatever. This place sucked anyway.”
The defeated Jacques Le’ Jacques Van Jacques then walked off. Although Dreilix had won the metaphorical battle, he had yet to win the metaphorical war. He still had to find Daisy Cauliflower’s office. Conveniently, it turned out to be right on the other side of the large, dark room. Dreilix really had to wonder why the hell someone would put an office here, it probably didn’t matter anyway. Dreilix burst into the office and found Dasiy Cauliflower sitting at his desk.
“What? Impossible!” Daisy yelled in surprise, “How on earth did an intruder manage to make it through all my- wait I remember you! You were a recruit for a year ago! Were you planning this that whole time? But… in order to attack today, the one day where all our major security systems are offline, you would have to had-”
“Done nothing for over a year?” Dreilix said, finishing the man’s sentence.
“But… Why? How-”
“Because joining a group and then doing nearly nothing for over a year”, Dreilix said, smiling, “Is what I do best!”
“Well, whatever! I’m still gonna kill you! All I have to do is hit this button here and-”
He didn’t finish because Dreilix had tossed him out the window. Dreilix felt he should say some sort of one-liner at this point. He struggled to come up with one. “Have a nice fall!” he yelled down. It wasn’t much, but it worked.
Dreilix then located the conveniently placed self-destruct switch and activated it. “30 SECONDS UNTIL DESTRUCTION!” a voice said. A collective “OH SHIT” could be heard throughout the entire facility.
“Now to make my daring escape!” Dreilix said, and he dramatically leapt out the window. As he fell, he got another call from the chief through his ear piece.
“Great work, Dreilix! You saved the world! By the way, out of curiosity, how did you escape?”
“Oh, I jumped out the window of Daisy Cauliflower’s office.”
“Wait, isn’t his office, like, twenty or so stories off the ground?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”
“Well, anyway, I have a medal to give you when you get back! I think I’m gonna promote you!!
“Thanks, Chief! I’ll be there as soon as I ca-”
KER-SPLAT
THE END
I just want to point out that I made little to no attempt at actually making the Dreilix in the story act anything like you on the forum. I probably
should have, but I'm lazy like that okay.
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
