AWKWARD ZOMBIE

One of the patrons at the library had a really intense nervous breakdown and started shouting all sorts of things. Really grim things, really hopeless things. They're still ringing in my head.

Thats just rude. When I have my breakdowns, I do it drunk in the privacy of my home and post about my thoughts online where they just get lost in the shuffle of nihilism and misanthropy

On that topic, I cant recall the last time I felt something that wasnt shaudenfraude, guilt, anxiety or crushing depression

I wasn't able to get into a comfortable position to start drawing.

It seems like nothing at all, but it made me break down into tears for some reason. I don't know why.
Maybe I'm repressing a bunch of stresses...

A show I like got cancelled. I know it was kinda dumb, hell it was pretty much devoid of proper plot and characterization, but it made me laugh.

What was the name of the show?

Brickleberry, it was a Comedy Central cartoon

It got canceled? That sucks. I didn't follow it really close, but I watched it when I caught it on. I liked it pretty well.

I don't think I've had so consistently awful a day in years

My little brother is 10 and has been saying stuff since a younger age that he should just die and crazy scary things like that that kids his age should never think about at his age. This has happened before too, though it's usually when I get all mad at him for doing stuff I don't like. Maybe I take things too far, and sass him too much when I reprimand him. I don't know. He also asks me weird stuff so he'll have reassurance that he's important and that I care about him and stuff. It scares me. I think I just don't spend enough time with him. And I think I should, but whenever I have opportunities to, they just kinda fall flat. Either by my own horrible laziness, or by me wanting to spend time with Noff. I watch stuff with him sometimes. We play games sometimes too, but I guess it's not enough? I don't know. I feel so upset by this. Before he'd like hit his arm too. I don't remember when or why it was. But this is just crazy and scary and makes me very sad.

Oh good, I was hoping to start feeling like a waste of space again.

Who even cares?

Does anyone else know about this? Have you told anyone? This could become a serious problem.

Yeah, once self-harm (even if it's mild, like just smacking his arm) comes into play, that is an indication that intervention is needed, and it's not just "my sister doesn't spend enough time with me". As someone else with a younger brother that has anxiety and depressive disorders at age 10, I would see if there's any way you can get him to see a counselor or doctor. I know that your parents might have an issue with it, but you can usually say something to a school counselor and they'll talk to the kiddo to get a better idea of what needs to be done.

No, no one else knows. I don't think anybody else notices. I guess I could try and talk to his counselor to see if they'd talk to him. I'll ask once spring break is over. I don't want to mention this to my parents, though. They don't take these things seriously. When I ran away a long time ago, and the cops were telling us straight up to get family counseling and my counselors at school told me to get personal counseling, they just made false promises and ignored it all.

Update on my bout of depression/sadness/something:

Things are fantastic. Went back to second shift, started going for walks during the day, I eat far less crap food, and I'm happier in general. I feel like people notice me now, which I don't think I have actually ever felt before. Coming out (even to just my brother and mom) helped TREMENDOUSLY, and I plan on publicly (Facebook post, probably) coming out on my birthday (<1 month to go!). Been getting loads of compliments (from coworkers, friends, and complete strangers. I don't get it - people don't usually talk to me!) on everything from hair to clothes to general appearance.

I'm going on a sort of a vacation thing from March 28th-April 7th. I'll be driving up to PA to visit family, celebrate my birthday, and gorge myself on Bacon's Italian Ice, Dunkin Donuts, and various kinds of alcohol (turning 21). Everything feels great, and I wanted to thank you guys for putting up with me and giving me some advice, especially Dire:


This is going to sound so pathetic but I'll be damned if this post didn't inspire me to start putting in the effort to change things about myself and my life. Thanks, Dire!

If anyone wants to talk about anything at all ever, send me a PM! I enjoy talking to you weirdos.

That's great news! I'm pop flyin' for you! I'm glad what I said helped.

But hey, the effort is yours! Good on you!