AWKWARD ZOMBIE

It often feels like I only have enough resolve/motivation to do one unfamiliar/anxiety-inducing thing per day. Like today, I looked up and (hopefully) found the right number to call to follow up on one of my job applications, but I just couldn't muster up to will to actually call them? I guess I just get caught up in all the other things I'd like to get done and the guilt just weighs me down too much to actually take care of them.

One thing at a time, gotta ground myself and take care of one problem at a time... except I feel guilty when I don't accomplish every single thing on my list. And instead of meeting somewhere in the middle I just kinda limp through my day and do whatever I can toss some motivation at. Except there's so little of it that only one or two easy things get done. idk

That mindset of "I did a productive thing today, it's ok if I don't do anything", is pretty dangerous. You start to prioritise feeling productive over actually being productive. It's pretty hard to break out of too, I know from experience. That feeling of it all being too much shit to even get started is familiar too. The best way to fight it I think is to try and schedule your day better. Say "I'm going to spend 2 hours calling workplaces" instead of "I'm going to call a couple of workplaces".

I'll give that a try. Being unemployed has really fucked up my daily schedule, so i do need to find ways to set aside time to take care of important stuff.

I (kind of) have the courage to wear dresses in front of my family but I am strongly embarrassed and nervous about being seen by them while watching cartoons. For some reason. Even though all of them also occasionally/often watch cartoons.

And no it's not My Little Pony you fools.

I'm looking around stores for nice notebooks to write down things for my game, but so far I'm not having any luck.
When I googled just now, I remembered a website offering prints. I went there to check, and they actually offer to print individual notebooks.

I can't believe how eccentric I've gotten, I want a messenger bag with my own design, and now that I have the possibility, I want to get notebooks with my own designs. I was thinking of printing business cards too actually for a while now...

That's not eccentric. It sounds pretty cool. I wanted a custom messenger bag a while ago, but I ended up getting a backpack.

I'm maybe using the word wrong, but I mean it in the way that I'd draw a thing to be printed on things, and with the notebooks going so far that I'd print the thing on it which I'd use it for, for example notes and sketches for the game I'm working on, so there'd be the logo or a character of it on the cover.


Actually, a second confession now since I've realised I actually like notebooks a lot, even if I don't end up writing anything down, haha. I just like the idea a lot to have dedicated notebooks (or artbooks) for individual things.

I think it's safe to say I have some sort of ignorement complex, especially if you don't care about the fact that "ignorement" isn't a word. I'm just so quick to assume that when someone doesn't respond to me, they're deliberately avoiding me, especially certain people.

^ i've gone the majority of my life feeling like all my friend secretly deep down hate me and one day they're all just going to leave

because it happened to me way too many times as a kid

and now i struggle to make normal attachments to people ;D

Heeyyy, is there space in this anxiety party?

I'm on that boat right now.

HOOONK! ALL ABOARD THE ANXIETY BOAT OF FEELS!

I can't dredge up the will to write a lot anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I hate everybody, I hope we all die from a disease that makes us walk the earth until we become dust and flies.

I like to listen to classical piano music when I do homework. If I try listening to anything else, I just get really distracted by the lyrics. Also, since I play piano myself, it kind of makes me want to play what I'm listening to, so I kind of think that makes me type faster or to match the speed that the song is going.