AWKWARD ZOMBIE

But the ventilation ducts don't have...

Enough Space...

You suddenly have an enormous urge to use your imagination. You imagine you are a Space Marine. The evil aliens are attacking your space base. Most of your crew have been slaughtered, but you will not give in! You pick up your nearest gun and, in around 12-15 hours of generic FPS action, destroy the aliens once and for all! At least, until a sequel is produced that's more or less the same thing with different maps.



You then imagine you are a space biker! Like that Ivan guy! Or was he a scientist? You can't really remember right now. You imagine you are just biking around (IN SPACE) when all of a sudden some interstellar cops (IN SPACE) come to rain on your interstellar parade (IN SPACE). You put you space bike into high gear and proceed to flee from the cops in an interstellar car chase (IN SPACE). You manage to lose them somewhere around Pluto. Those space coppers will never be able to catch you (IN SPACE)!



You begin to imagine you are an Aquarium. A SPACE Aquarium! There are all sorts of alien fish swimming around in you. They have all sorts of strange tentacles and millions-of-eyes! They are completely amazing compared to anything on Earth!


You imagine you a Space Overlord named Xenu. You are incredibly displeased. You had just nearly captured this space base, then this dumb space marine just goes and rains on your parade! He managed to destroy most of your forces in about 12-15 hours of generic FPS action, and he's probably going to do it again in the sequel. You decide to take out your frustration by yelling at one of your underlings. You feel much better now.


You imagine you are a Space Underling named Gortaski. Your overlord, Xenu, just got through yelling because he's mad about some space marine or something. It's not like you could have done anything about it. You are incredibly unhappy now. You consider calling your old friend, who is a space biker. Maybe you guys could go to a Space Aquarium or something.


You imagine that you aren't just wasting a bunch doing pointless crap (IN SPACE). It's great. There's all sorts of plot-advancements and interesting-happenings (IN SPACE). If only you were this productive in real life.


IMAGINARY INVENTORY
SPACE TANK, SPACE LARGE SKUNK, FLYING SPACE SAUCER, SPACE FIRE MAGE, SPACE ICE MAGE, SPACE LIGHTNING MAGE, SPACE WATER MAGE, SPACE JINJO, SPACE MARIO KART, MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF SPACE DOLLARS, SPACE ROPE THAT WOULD BE PERFECT FOR CLIMBING OUT OF THAT SPACE WINDOW, SPACE GETAWAY CAR, OLD SPACE LADY

(IN SPACE)



You WOULD do something useful instead of wasting time, but you don't seem do have any thoughts on useful things do to. All you brain seems to want you to do is pointless crap. You begin to wonder if you should see a psychiatrist about that.


You attempt to empty some of the unlimited bullets out of your INFINITY REVOLVER, but it doesn't work. It turns out the bullets just sort of... materialize just as you fire the gun.





You don't find any lifts or holes in the wall, but you DO find some stairs. You go ahead and head down them. You find a lobby. It is very large. There are several tree-like-plants and some of those weird right-angle couches. There is a desk in the middle of the lobby that an oldish lady is sitting at. She kind of looks like a combination Cruella de Vil and that announcer fanart. She doesn't seem to notice you, or at least doesn't care about your presence enough to look aware from her moniter. In front of the desk is... *dramatic pause*... the exit!


INVENTORY:
BLOODIED LINT, BUSINESS CARD, DICTIONARY, ELECTRIC GUITAR, INFINITY REVOLVER, JANITOR'S KEYS, MOP, MUSHY VEGETABLES, PIPE, PLANT, PLASTER, POISONED BROOM JAVELIN, PRESUMABLY EDIBLE SUBSTANCE, SAFE, SCRAMBILONI'S CLOTHING, SCRAMBILONI'S WALLET, STAPLER, UNIDENTIFIABLE SLUDGE, VARIOUS SNACKS (9), WORN-OUT PENNY

EQUIPPED:
HAT, NAMETAG, TRILBY-ESQUE CLOTHES

Water the tree-like plant.

It's probably a sudowoodo.

Then steal the old woman's computer, be careful as she is most likely a wrestler or some shit.


then inventory.

Make friends once you're outside.

If she spots you, don't be sacred.
'Cause is she doesn't scare you, no evil thing will.

You decide to water the plant, which you suspect may actually be a pokemon with an incredibly ill-fitting type. You don't have any water on you, so you settle on using the UNIDENTIFIABLE SLUDGE. The plant promptly dies.



You cautiously walk over to the desk. You want to try and steal that computer, but you're definitely going to be careful about it. So far, everyone except one person you've met in here has tried to kill you and, let's be frank, she's probably the most threatening looking person you've seen so far. As you get closer, you realize the actual computer is probably under the desk. There's no way you are going to risk getting it.



You take out your INFINITY REVOLVER and aim at the woman's head. You are getting out of this place and there's no way she's doing anything to stop you. You slowly head over the the exit. You try to push the door open with you back, but it turns out the door opens inward. You're pretty sure that's a fire hazard. You turn around to open the door and get the hell out of here, but as soon as you do, one of those metal lockdown doors slides down in front of the entrance.

Today just isn't your day.

INVENTORY:
BLOODIED LINT, BUSINESS CARD, DICTIONARY, ELECTRIC GUITAR, INFINITY REVOLVER, JANITOR'S KEYS, MOP, MUSHY VEGETABLES, PIPE, PLANT, PLASTER, POISONED BROOM JAVELIN, PRESUMABLY EDIBLE SUBSTANCE, SAFE, SCRAMBILONI'S CLOTHING, SCRAMBILONI'S WALLET, STAPLER, VARIOUS SNACKS (9), WORN-OUT PENNY

EQUIPPED:
HAT, NAMETAG, TRILBY-ESQUE CLOTHES

Approach the woman, attempt to bargain your way out, you sly scamp.

You approach the woman and and prepare to see if you can convince her to open that door. You take out your ELECTRIC GUITAR and use the power of ROCK, but she takes the guitar and breaks it.

"For goodness' sake, stop causing a racket!"

She even sounds like a combination of Cruella de Vil and the Announcer.

You think this conversation has started on the right foot.

CONVERSATION START!

Excuse me my kind sir, but would you mind opening the door? The blasted thing is jammed again you see...

Excuse me, kind lady, would you mind opening this door for me? I had a really bad day. It was not on my mind when I treathened you.

"How you doin'?"

Seducing her is obviously your only ticket out of here. Also, any other pick up line is acceptable. The more inappropriate, the better.

"No, it is not jammed. It's sealed. Because I locked it"



"Yes, it was. It isn't anymore though. Because I broke it. You were causing a racket, and I responded in what I thought was most likely to get you to cease said racket. Any questions? No? Good."



"No, I cannot open that door for you. I do not care how unpleasant your day has been, or even what you could have possibly meant by "treathened""



The lady does not respond with words. She responds, instead, with a "look". She doesn't even need to change her facial expression to pull it off. It's probably the second or third most horrifying thing you've ever experienced.

You're lucky to have survived.

You broke my guitar! YOU BROKE MY GUITAR!

*violence*

I'll break your spine for breaking my guitar!!

*moar violence*

"You still haven't answered me, how are you doing?"