AWKWARD ZOMBIE

There was a horrible post here. It's gone now.

I think I end up making everything purposely negative for myself, yesterday I had a great day but by the end of it I had to be disrupted by one thing which lead me to deconstructing every negative aspect of it and feeling like I have no individual identity and having anxiety about the future and cheddar and everything in my life is terrible is pretty much the direction my brain goes in.

Maybe I just need more good days, and less seeing the awfulness of everything.

I really wish my best friend confided in me a lot more. I'm don't want him to get back with his ex. She's controlling and emotionally manipulative and super immature and has no concept of tact. I think he'll have the biggest jump back to how he was years ago when he was so sad and depressed if he gets with her. Because instead of giving him tough love she'll feed his needy side and he'll feed hers. Plus, she forgets about him and her "love" with him when she's around other guys, it's so ridiculous, and she starts drama and she's just too young to swear her life to some guy she had a relationship with for like 4 months. I need to calm down and get it out of my head and constantly remind myself how it's not my business but it's so hard. I'm not sure if I'm too caring or nosy, but it's somewhere in that zone.

I usually hope tennis is rained out. I enjoy it, but my chair feels so comfy when I have to go.

I'm very unsure where to post this so... I guess I'll post it here? I don't think this is at all important and I'm not really expecting any sort of response to this and I'm not even sure what I would be looking for in a response anyway but here we go.
So I was feeling depressed with myself, mostly over my inability to learn, get motivated, and just do things. Then I very suddenly and randomly remembered some things that had made me angry so I very instantly shifted from sad to mad, but after that I just didn't really feel anything at all. I stopped wanting to pull up a tab for khan academy (learning website) and kind of wanted to pull up something more thoughtless, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. I couldn't even get myself to move the mouse to the new tab button. All I really felt like doing was staring forward. Eventually I managed to bring myself to pull up the tab to khan academy and watched a video which I actually did learn from, even if just a little. While I was doing that I was also reading a thing from someone I look up to for their immense intelligence and learning ability, about their immense intelligence and learning ability. The feeling I had while reading it was 99% awe and 1% envy. And after a delay after reading it, I went back into my state of being unable to make much of a conscious thought and only being able to stare forward. I can't really say whether or not I went into that state because of either of those things, but really I can't say why I did anything. Anyway I simply stared forward for at least 2 and a half minutes until I was finally able to make some very slight motion in my hand, which gradually moved more and more. It was as though there was something wrong with my muscles and I did some kind of accelerated physical therapy to be able to move it more, except I didn't actually feel physically unable to move it. I felt more mentally unable to move it if that makes sense, and in fact throughout most of what I'm describing I felt barely able to control my own body or to make a conscious thought. At most I could make half of a conscious thought which didn't do anything except speed up the process when I thought of something I happened to already be doing. I was also able to think words to myself, such as how I would describe this whole experience later or of how a psychology book I read once clarified that "the mind" is not any one thing but a group of systems working together. Anyway I eventually made motions with more and more of my body until I eventually got up out of the bed and suddenly got a random thought to walk to the kitchen. Random compulsions to walk to the kitchen is actually something I get very often but usually they feel more like physical compulsions to get up and walk, and I just so happen to walk to the kitchen. But this time the compulsion somehow felt more mental, and I actually felt the need to walk to a specific point in the kitchen. So I slowly, slowly walked. Each individual step took at least a full five seconds, and all throughout I kept leaning on anything I could even though I didn't need to to stay balanced. I also could barely open my eyes. Eventually I made it to the kitchen and made the conscious thought to walk back to my room which I then did, this time barely able to close my eyes. Though I somehow get the feeling that if I hadn't thought to do it I still would have done it anyway. I was at least able to make the conscious thought to move backwards which I did briefly before I continued moving automatically. When I got to my room I fell on my bed and as I did so I went back into a state of being only half-able to move my arms. I eventually "wiggled" back into being able to move my whole body, and when I did so I started feeling more able to make conscious thought so I decided to start describing the whole situation to my friends. But my hands felt mostly locked and it was hard to type in any key that didn't happen to be near my fingers and instead of simply moving my hand over to the key I kind of waved it left and right rhythmically and hit the key when my hand happened to pass over it. Eventually I grew more and more able to control my body and make conscious thought until eventually the only part left of... whatever you would call this whole thing was that my leg rocked left and right without thought and I was only able to slow it rather than stop it. Then eventually that too passed and now... I guess I'm normal?
tl;dr: I felt intense sadness then very suddenly intense anger, then very suddenly intense nothingness. After that I felt only barely in control of my mind and body but very gradually regained it.

Do you believe me now to finally talk to a trained person and not to your teenaged friends who also are even younger than you?

I know how the Internet feels about people expressing their atheism, but, uhh, hey guys, I'm atheist now.

I'll do my best to not be a jackass about it.

CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY MOSTLY CHRISTIAN FAMILY

You'll be sent a comprehensive guide of what is expected of your new status soon. Let me just go over the basics briefly. You must act like a dick to religious people at ALL times, especially christians, this is non-negotiable. Make sure to treat them like enfeebled children who are either naive or willfully ignorant. And dont forget to act like atheism is the most obvious thing in the world.

Well, I was going to be tolerant to other people's religions, providing the views they express aren't harmful to another person, group, or culture.

But hey, if this is what I must do!

But seriously, I did this because I wasn't pop flyin' in Christianity and didn't believe in it after a while anyway. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with Christianity, it's just not for me and I'll leave it at that.

Do you have to? Does the subject come up regularly so you can't avoid bringing it up? (I think you once posted about going to a church so maybe it does, especially if you're expected to go with your parents). In any case, you could always tell them that you'd rather keep your spiritual life to yourself, they are most likely inclined to respect that.

On that matter, I have no idea what the stance on religion of anyone else in my family is. It's never ever been brought up so I assume they're either non-practicing catholics or deist. When I was ten or so I asked to be switched from the catholic religion class to the non-denominational 'morale' class and my parents did it without batting an eye. My father goes to the Christmas mass and he usually asks if I want to go with him but it might just be because he likes choirs and meeting people from the village and because it's a tradition.
Up until I was 14, there was a mandatory religion class everywhere in the province, but then they changed it to 'ethics and religious culture', which was a nice class to have. We learned the differences between a religion and a sect, what the main religions are, the basics of ethics and other stuff. The teacher I had was an awesome lady and her class was super open and respectful. Coincidentally, a group of parents from my town sued the government for forcing them to expose their children to the hard truth that 'other religions exist and it's okay' as if it meant they were being indoctrinated, while the other 98% of the province laughed at them.

I would avoid telling them unless directly addressed about it, yeah. Especially considering how your ma freaks out about things that don't involve hypothetical damnation.

But if things do go south and your grandparents kick you out over the summer (I don't know them that well), I am 99% sure that Sloth's parents would be cool with you crashing there.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

This is the same family that threw away a Book of Mormon my friend gave me for my birthday and now doesn't want me to talk to him. Tolerance towards other beliefs isn't exactly something my family excels at.



Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't HATE me, and certainly wouldn't kick me out, seeing as my uncle, who also isn't a Christian, is staying here, too. I'm really not worried about that.

Mom will definitely blow a fuse or eighty, so I'll have to wait until I'm back at college and out of screaming range to mention it to her.

I legitimately wonder how many people would stop smoking marijuana if it became legal for them. I honestly believe there has to be at least a double digit amount of them.

That low?

after that lets make all drugs legal so people will just stop wanting meth just based on the cool illegal factor