AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I used to think there was a man in a beach shack counting up to infinity.

i remember i could only play tomb raider with the sound off because the game scared me otherwise

When I was a young warthog, I did nothing but play the demo for Age of Empires all day.
Never bought it.

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large.

...


I had an Atari game that I loved playing but was scared of because there were pictures of ghosts on the cartridge art.

When I was 14 I brought back a year-old thread OH WAIT

I had two ideas on where babies come from, one was from the belly button, and the other was that they just came out of your chest, and that's how women got tiddies

I used to suck on the handlebars of shopping carts, if they didn't have a plastic sheath over them.

I liked the taste of the metal.

When I was a kid, I never asked my parents where babies came from because I knew

I KNEW MAN

Women obviously got pregnant when they facebattle their husband on their wedding day.

Oh man i did a similar thing, i would suck on keys because of that metallic taste

I used to think they came out of the ladies butt and that they pooped them out.

Never have I been so wrong.

I used to think I was psychic just because I did well at a guessing game. Also

I once got into an argument with a kid on who could make the better Pikachu impression.

I have some funny stories from when I was watching kids in my church's nursery.

One time a little girl found a Scooby-doo toy and she said "Look, a puppy!" I got really excited and said "Yeah, it's Scooby-Doo!" She looked confused and reiterated that it was in fact a puppy. "No, no! His name is Scooby-Doo! He would travel around in a van called The Mystery Machine with his teenage friends and they'd solve mysterys and stuff." She just looked at me like I was dumb, and said "It's a puppy."

Another time a little boy was driving too fast around in those cars where you have to sit and scoot/sort of run, and I said "Hey, there's a speed limit in here! You have to drive slowly otherwise you'll hit somebody." He just laughed and raced around the room again. When he came back near me, he bumped into my leg kinda hard, so I yelped loudly. He looked really surprised, and to teach him a lesson I acted really dramatic, and hid my leg (I was kneeling, so I just picked it up and did and awkward one kneeling thing) and said "OW, OH, OH NO. You made me lose my leg! Ahh! What am I going to do now? I only have one leg because you were driving too fast!" The kid looked really freaked out and stuttered sorry. So then I did some loud grunt and dropped it. "You're lucky I can regrow my limbs. Don't drive too fast next time, okay? Not everyone can do that." The boy nodded and he never drove around too fast again.

Well done, you scarred that kid for life.

I remember as a kid getting terribly offended when someone told me the heart was just a piece of flesh inside your chest. How dare that kid?!

Anyone remember the internet meme about the training scene in Punch-Out of "n-word" stole my bike?
I didn't know the "n-word" or that Mac's trainer was called Doc Louis before that. I thought "n-word" was his name.

When I was six or seven, I convinced my little sister that there was a monster hiding under her bed, and the only way to keep it from eating her was to draw a picture on this little chalkboard she had of the monster hiding in a bush, then write "applesauce" three times underneath the picture, and then put the chalkboard under the bed. I also apparently bit my sister when I was four, but my parents didn't actually SEE it happen, that's just what they think happened.