AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Everybody start humming the Imperial March, because it's time for STAR WARS



That's right you wretched hive of scum and villainy, today and for the next several weeks Mander will be regaling you with tales of conquest and combat on a galactic scale. I'll be playing Star Wars Battlefront 2, a team-based shooter not too unlike TF2. I'll start off by playing the surprisingly expansive campaign mode, and maybe afterwards try some Galactic Conquest or other game modes.

Let's begin.



The designation of our trooper will be AZ-29. That "e" at the end is an unfortunate side effect of the screenshot process. It will be executed in due time.



Our mission briefing tells us that we will be landing on Geonosis, to no surprise of anybody who knows anything about Star Wars.

I'll be operating as a member of the 501st, which makes me slightly less expendable than all of the other clone troopers out there.



I am apparently the new recruit in this unit, which means I am destined to either die a horrible death, or be the only one who lives through the whole thing.

It's kind of a coin flip.



In case you didn't know, Geonosis is basically Space Iraq. This is some political subtext here I think.



All us blurry expendables have the same "first time mass murder" jitters.



All three years of it. Accelerated growth factor, yo.



Well that got dark real quickly.




I think AZ-29 needs something to boost his self-esteem.



Here we get our first look at our valiant and highly expendable hero. Except this is outdated armor he'll only wear for the first mission.

Take a good look anyway!



I am informed to take Checkpoint Alpha. I am currently the only soldier on the field.

ONE CLONE, ALONE, ON A MISSION. WILL HE SURVIVE?



There aren't actually enemies on the field yet so signs point to yes.



Oh god droids. Am I ready for this?



I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THIS



Turns out I was ready for this. These guys aren't very tough.



Trying to aim from behind a rock typically doesn't work out so well. That missile sailed right over my head, and then I shot the droid to death.

You can observe my recent kills in the upper left hand corner. It also informs me of when my allies die. It's sort of depressing.



After slaughtering the foes, I am tasked to take out this malfunctioning droid with some grenades. Why I am wasting grenades on a droid that doesn't work is beyond me. We have fairly poor management, I'll be sending a letter to my Clonegressmen later.



That took significantly more effort than it should have, but it does eventually go boom.

The best part about Screenshot LP's is that you can edit out the times where it takes you seventeen grenades to blow up a stationary target.



My next objective, after "Waste grenades", is to capture a command post. Command posts are where troops spawn, so they are vitally important in this game.



Command posts look like this, a beam of glowy light. You capture them by staring sternly at them until the shame causes them to switch sides.



After my penetrating glare forces the glowy pillar to join my cause, I am ordered to become an engineer.



Also, my fellow clones have arrived, so I am no longer going rambo on this thing.

The allied NPC's in this game are actually pretty useful. They shout information about the battlefield, and they also absorb bullets.



Engineers are one of my favorite classes. They have a shotgun, explosives, and they can give out health and ammo. They also repair vehicles and structures.



Today I'll just be repairing droids. These little guys give out free health and ammo, so keeping them alive is pretty important.



A wee bit of work with my welder and Mr. Health is up and running.



Tiny robot summons big robot. I CALL MAIN GUNS.



Nothing feels better than driving a giant robotic bug to crush your foes. Now I just need something to shoot with these main guns that I totally called dibs on. Nu 783 over there thought he was some kind of hotshot and almost drove off without me.

I punched him into the turret seat.



ENEMY TANKS SIGHTED

LOCKING TARGET



God daisies it Nu 783 we already killed that one, aim at the one that is ALIVE and SLAUGHTERING OUR FRIENDS

Fucking Nu 783



The time for tanks is over. Under normal circumstances I would be adverse to leaving my beloved bug-tank in the hands of Nu 783, but these are not normal circumstances.



These are JETPACK CIRCUMSTANCES.



There's a valuable holocron ( a flag, basically) atop that structure. No mortal could make such a jump.

BUT I AM NO MORTAL



I AM JETPACK TROOPER

THE SKIES ARE MINE



After capturing the holocron thingy, my next target is the cliffside bunker.

There is a ramp which I could easily walk up, but walking is for people who don't have Jetpacks.



SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(This screenshot is also what made me realize first person view is kinda flawed. We'll be moving to 3rd person in future updates.)



I bomb a few droids (Jet troopers are also equipped with a kickass rocket launcher) and prepare to capture the command post.



But this is where the "expendable" part of Expendable Space Marine kicks in.

My rocket launcher ran out of ammo.



That silver faggot in the distance is the one who got me.

I'm gonna fucking kill him.



Luckily I've got clones, yo, so AZ-29 is back in Jetpack action before you can say, "violent and bloody revenge", which incidentally occurred offscreen when I got my vengeance on that silver asshole.



The command post is captured and I am informed the Jetpack Circumstances are at an end. I'll be sniping now.



At least I've got this rad cliff thing to snipe people from.



This is your battlefield on vision.



This is your battlefield on an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope.



Sniping's fairly easy against the droids, they have a habit of standing completely still.

The buggers have really tiny heads, though.



The reticule always gets that little pronged thingy when you make a kill.

I'd think the fact that my enemies are exploding would be a dead giveaway, but we have to account for idiots like Nu 783.



"Sniper no sniping!"

Time for some demolition work. Apparently Nu 783 can't handle my glorious bug-tank and let the enemy get armor superiority.



Time to rock the rockets, boys.



Pshoo pshoo pshoo, here's some rockets right at you.



I do on foot what Nu 783 can't do with a whole tank. Take that!



We have a Jedi Master on the battlefield now. I probably won't play as Jedi during this thing very much, but I figure I'll give you guys a look at how they work during this mission.



Also it's Mace Windu, the baddest and raddest of all the Jedi masters. You don't pass up Mace Windu.



Now we're bringin' purple fury to this battlefield.



Jedi can sprint ludicrously fast, which is good because they have fairly short lifespans. That Lightsaber down there is a timer that counts down my available time. It get's empty, I am no longer a Jedi.



Fortunately it can be renewed via the slaughter of my enemies.



It's kind of hard to get good screenshots of jedi slaughter because droids tend to just explode violently.



Every once in a while you can get a good chop down without them going boom boom. It usually either slams them to the ground or sends them flying. Very cathartic.



Jedi's also have a few force powers for ranged combat. None of them are all that great. Mace can throw his lightsaber, and most jedi do the same thing.



He can kill tanks with it though, which makes it still more useful than Nu 783.



My final objective is to capture a Bunker. Shouldn't be too hard with the power of Space Samuel L. Jackson on my side.



Oh looky I was right.

Thanks, Space Samuel L. Jackson!



Back in AZ-29's shoes, I muse on our success.



Whatever the war would throw at us. Mostly: A shitload of droids.



And a quick look at the stats screen. Notice that Nu 783 didn't make it into the top 13. What a joke.

Tune in next time for the continued adventures of AZ-29, the Expendable Space Marine!

AAAAAH
Based Mander.
I look forward to AZ-29's continued escapades against the CIS menace

I look forward to seeing more of Nu 783's shenanigans during the war.

Please, continue fighting the scourge that is the CIS army

Tumblr would love you for this
(I think, I'm still not familiar with that place's terminology)

This is great, this is best.

It wouldn't be Star Wars unless there was actually some war in the stars going on

Today's Destination Annihilation: SPACE



Now we're playing through the intro to episode 3.



Spoiler: All of their space troops were dying. Very good confidence boost for the battle ahead.



That's me!



I didn't even know clones GOT downtime. At least flight simulation sounds pretty fun.




Ironically, they slipped past the defenses so easily because all the troops were in the simulator.

That's one thing they'll never write down in the history books.



That's us again.

I get to be a literal Space Marine today.



Despite a "Marine" being right there I'm going to stick with Pilot, because they get a regen bonus while in starships that marines don't.



Here we have our lot. You can have any starship you want, so long as it's an AR-170.



I want that one.

Kappa 429 nearly cuts me off, but he is too slow.



It's time for SPACE



PSHOOOOOOOOO



I don't think that's how space combat should work.

You have the ENTIRE COSMOS to fight in and you get within 100 feet of each other.



I set my sights on less idiotic battles.

Time to earn my wings.



The vast expanses of space being at my disposal, I choose this to be the perfect time to GO FAST



And yes, you can do a barrel roll. Hooray.

Never speak of this again.



Downsides of barrel-rolling: you are not guaranteed to end up on the same plane of alignment as everyone else.



A group of enemy fighters head my way

Time for directionally challenged combat!



A most intense dogfight ensues.

I think I'm doing pretty good for my first time.



Enemy down: kill confirmed!

haha, I am so great at this.



But then I rear-ended a battlecruiser

I don't think the insurance covers that.



Let's try that again.



I bravely venture into the final battleground that is space, and immediately receive 5 missiles for my trouble.



SHIELDS ARE SHOT

SYSTEMS FAILING

BRACE FOR IMPACT



[WILLHELM SCREAM]



Third time's the charm, and I'm dogfighting again in no time.



There is a rather large ship entering the fray. It has a lot of guns.



But I've got MISSILES

Also I am on fire again, this is a startlingly frequent occurrence.



Good thing I can heal. Let's make this thing eat proton torpedo.



Tastes like hot flaming death. Delicious.



My next target is the big-ol battlecruiser herself. Gotta take down the shields.

Unfortunately, from this angle I cannot possibly negotiate around the battleship. I'll have to go through it.



Luckily the CIS ships are horrible designed, and actually do feature massive holes that you can fly right through.

Dumbasses.



I do a few strafing runs. This would be so much easier if I had a bomber.



After taking down the shields, it's time for some sabotage. I head back into the hangar bay for some explosive shenanigans.



I abandon ship and get ready for what I was born to do: Mano y mano action with robotic scumbags.



Armed with nothing but a pistol, I feel kind of like a space cowboy. Only I'm wearing some dumb spandex overalls.



The droid control room contains doors to several vital systems. The only question is, what do I want to blow up today?

Naturally the answer to that question is everything, but unfortunately I have a limited supply of bombs.



I go with engines. Engines are pretty important to a ship.



I think waiting for them to blow might be my favorite part.



Oh, nope, the explosions are definitely my favorite.



Once the engine's fuel tanks have been sufficiently atomized, it's time to move on. I hope my starfighter is still there.



Oh, no such luck.

Looks like I'm going to have to hijack something.



This should do nicely.



Grand Theft Starship, yo.



Woop almost ran into a spaceship again there. Almost!

I'm learning!



Gotta make the cockpit go boom now. The command bridge can't be sabotaged from the inside, unlike most of the ship's systems.



And boom it goes. I really am getting better at this space thing!



I am coming to like these large blue letters. They say good things.



God daisies jedi taking all the credit for my space shooting stuff.



Stats screen!

Notice no Nu 783.

"It's Grand Theft Starship, yo"

I chuckled

Grand Theft Starship could a great name for a game.

Yes, very good. I forgot how much fun this game was; the multiplayer isn't especially impressive.

We're going on an interstellar voyage for our first mission that isn't a tutorial

HOORAY



We've come very close to the end of the war. I presume we're winning. Not really sure, nobody has said anything about it.



We are the Chancellor's lapdogs, or at least we have been since Alpha 332 won that game of Pazaak with the 71st Ironhounds.

That clone had some kind of luck.

Shame it ran out in the middle of a minefield.




It's a pylon, basically.



"Is how large and unwieldly his forehead is"



Oh man I think he heard me

Shit



Saved by the camera angle



Apparently it is, actually. EVERYONE is in the dark.



"We think the guy who only wears black might be up to something. Just a hunch."






DUN DUN DUUUUUUN



Here we have our fancy new clone armors. They've got some blue, yo.

I'll give you a line up now so you can admire the swag.



Heavy Trooper pulls off the large cheeks and half-skirt look surprisingly well.



Clone sharpshooter is wearing...pretty much the same thing.

I guess it's in style this season.



Engineer is looking a lot like that one Grumpy Cat here

Let's just move on.



It's time for some battle on the front.



I call dibs on this highly impractical tank!



Luckily the lack of blast shielding is made up for by the unfeasibly large cannon



And the fact that it's just plain fun to stomp around



I gotta capture this CP though and you can't do that while in a tank.



First I park my tank, then I cap your point



And your robots too



Time to clear the air



Back to poorly designed cannon platform, ho!



Using a big gun to shoot bigger guns: a surprisingly frequent occurrence.



And rather fun. Bigger guns make bigger explosions.



I could play as a jedi now, but there's a lot of tanks about, and Jedi don't do well against tanks.



Where the hell did this guy learn how to drive.



Alright seriously dude we're on a sky platform here you're gonna cause an accident.



Kinda like this



[WILHELM SCREAM]



i died, but before dying I earned enough points to play Clone Commander.

He has a MINIGUN!



You don't need unfeasibly large cannons when you've got a minigun!



This isn't actually working out as well as I'd hoped.



That really didn't work out.

Turns out you DO need an unfeasibly large cannon.



Much better



And much more productive



After defeating tanks, I am faced with a much greater foe:

A wall.



Luckily, my power of having two usable legs allows me to easily navigate this treacherous obstacle.



With my most dangerous foe defeated, I press onwards to weaker challenges.



I camp the CP and lay down some covering fire for my clone brethren.



They come join my capture attempt way too late to actually be useful.



And somebody stole my tank too. This day just keeps getting better.



Ah yes the "energy core" which we must "destroy" to "hamper droid production".

We are not going to steal it to make weapons. No sir.



Forward my brothers, to glorious battle!



Or just line up behind me like you usually do. God daisies it guys.



If you've noticed that funny blue glow around me, it's a bonus I get for being so awesome. I mean that. Score enough points and you start getting some crazy loot.



I've gotta take out a few generators

I am fairly close to death, and those guys have missiles.

IT'S ON.



Oh wow that's a lot more than I expected.

IT'S OFF.



Here, have a glowing, beeping peace offering!



Spoiler: It was a grenade.



These robots supply health, which I need. Good job robots.



Doirdeka's, in case you haven't watched Star Wars, are really tough and deadly.



In this game, not so much.



Time to deploy my Peace Offerings again.



Give peace a chance, motherfuckers.



Time for a magic crystal snatch and grab.



It's time to run all the way back to my ship and get out of here.



This may be a more treacherous and missile-laden task than it initially appears.



A quick resupply and I survey the path ahead. There are tanks.



Time to go sneakymode.



This game temporarily becomes a stealth game as I traverse the very edges of the map, eluding the multiple tanks in my way.



But of course the stealth goes to pieces.

Only one way to the endgame.

Through a large droid army.

Let's do this.



Anyone who says Leeroy gets shot.

I will stop what I am doing and shoot you in the fucking face.



TAKING HEAVY DAMAGE

I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL MAKE IT



ALMOST THERE



MADE IT

Mission accomplished



Then I died as soon as it ended

WAY TO GO AZ-29



Fairly easily, actually. They are mortal, after all.




Dude can get pretty grim sometimes. AZ needs to lighten up.



STATS!

That clone's pose in the Leroy threat photo is hilarious.

Oh gawd, AZ-29's whimsical space adventure took a sudden turn for the grimdark.
I remember those Droidekas giving me much more trouble tho.

I'm pretty sure I had either this or the first one for the PS2.

I used to play the mode with my where everyone's a hero/villain, most of the time at the desert town. (Tatooine) I usually played as the villains.

I remember this game, great fun with splitscreen multiplayer. Mos Eisley, Jedi vs Sith, those were the days. Those force powers became crucial to victory then.

Don't be so hard on Nu 783, he's new to this.

That would make him a Nub, then?

I'm sorry for that. I'm leaving now.