AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Episode Seven: Draw Me Like One of Your French Ants!

Soundtrack: Buy Somethin' Will Ya!



Alright, no more screwing around, it's time to get down to BUSINESS.

I've got to see a certain mayor about a certain key to a certain shack so I can get to a certain sanctuary to save a certain world!



My, my, how the tides have turned! Tell me, Officer, does it sting, having to thank me like this?



You're letting me make a speech now?

I LITERALLY JUST DID THE POLICE'S JOB FOR THEM.



There you are!

COUGH UP THE KEY, MR. MAYOR



Yes, OK, thank you, I know I'm great, THE KEY, IF YOU PLEASE.



ALL RIGHT THANKS I APPRECIATE IT CAN I HAVE MY KEY NOW



YOU'RE WELCOME. THE KEY.



I see you've finally caught on! By golly, I must remember to be more clear about my intentions next time!



I'd really like to know what someone less great than me COULD do with a key to a shack that would send the city into pandemonium.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't ask. Pokey has a pretty vivid imagination.



As much fun as it would be suing the Mayor in the event that something does happen, I feel like he won't give me the key if I say no.



Right, I forgot that "smart" means "conned into complying with this idiot".

Soundtrack: Key Item Fanfare



Ha ha ha! You just forfeit your collateral! See you in court, Mr. Mayor!

Soundtrack: Onett Theme



Welp, looks like I better head home...

OR.....



Well, THIS is a dilemma! If only I had some sort of device designed to unlock things....



It's a long shot, but it just might work!



WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW!



Yup, I opened the door all right.



Oh, thank goodness, I could really use some lu-HEY

THIS DOESN'T INCREASE MY LUCK

IT JUST PROTECTS ME FROM PARALYSIS

TAKE IT BACK

(He does not take it back.)

Soundtrack: Apple Kid's Theme



Well, I would have preferred some ACTUAL luck, but this will have to do.

WOW, it's a dump in here. The bed even has springs poking out of it!

How long have they been living here again.....?



I arrive in front of the Giant Step Cave via a convenient hole in the back of the shack!

Adventure awaits!

Soundtrack: Dangerous Caves



Whoa, that's some pretty eerie music.

OK, Giant Step Cave is officially renamed TARDIS Cave. There's no WAY it's this big on the outside.

Soundtrack: Oncoming Foe



I don't have to travel too far into TARDIS Cave before I'm bum rushed by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mouse....deer.

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weak Opponent



And apparently Rudolph got over his cold before entering the battle! Probably used those Kleenexes with Aloe & E, like on the commercials.

LSD Meter: OK, I can physically feel the orange of that background, but I think it has less to do with the drugs and more to do with the fact that it's INCREDIBLY OBTRUSIVE.



Whoa, Rowdy Mouse indeed! I think we all just need to settle down here!



OK, well, I didn't mean THAT much!



That's better! See how much nicer this is when you're not going bat crap insane on me?



Farewell, Algernon.....



Umm..... What am I being attacked by?

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent



I.....what?

LSD Meter: I....WHAT?!?!?



Oh, geez, they're pushovers! Remind me to buy all my bats pre-salted from now on, I mean LOOK AT THIS



I can't believe it. An enemy more pathetic than Yes Man Junior. Incredible.



HEY, THAT'S MY GIG!

Looks like he still needs to brush up his skills, though!

Soundtrack: You Gained a Level!



Whoa, those things gave a TON of experience!

Since that was such a pathetic battle, I think I'm gonna count this one as a pity level.

Which I think means we're evened out again.... Sigh.....

Soundtrack: Spell Learned



This.....this is it.

Yes.

THIS IS MY DESTINY.

I UNDERSTAND MY CALLING.

IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW.



Yay, more drugs! But due to the properties this sandwich bestows(It temporarily makes you run faster....yay....), it's apparent that it is in fact laced with speed, instead of LSD! ....Unless they're the same thing. Which just goes to show how much I know about the drug I'm addicted to.

Anyway, my inventory can't handle too much more, and I'm not a huge fan of speed, so I discard it.



Hey, wasn't there supposed to be a new enemy in here? I could have sworn you could find it in this room. I'm going to head out and back in for a second.



Aha, there you are! Let's see what we've got her-

Soundtrack: That Was Easy!



Wait, seriously?!?!? I'm ALREADY OP for this dungeon?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?



Well, that's OK, I guess. There's more up here, anyway. For the purpose of this experiment, I WILL analyze this creature!



OH COME ON

REALLY

SHEEEEEEEEESH

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent



THERE you are, you sneaky little runt!

I still can't believe I had to get into a double battle just to fight one of these things on-screen....

LSD Meter: Less trippy than the Attack Slugs BY FAR.



Well, you don't seem to be causing me TOO much trouble, and I don't want that Rowdy Mouse SMAAAAASHing me too much, so I'll just leave you there for n-



OH WHAT IS THIS



WHAT IS THIS



OK, this is quickly getting out of hand!

Soundtrack: You Win!



Man oh man, those things were nastier than I expected!



And yet, perseverance once again bears rewards!



HEFTY rewards!



Ah, so THIS is where the mice keep their cold relief!

I KNEW it was just Kleenex!



This is almost no different than fighting just one.

I wonder who told them I'm handing out butts for free today?



PRO STRATEGY LIFEUP BEFORE YOU BUTTERFLY



The butterfly lights some incense and draws the curtains closed.

"Now just close your eyes and lay down there on the table", she says.

I do so, and she proceeds rub the knots out of my aching back.....

OK, that's enough of that.



IT'S LIKE PAIN IS THEIR DRUG

AND I AM THEIR SUPPLIER

THEY PAY ME THROUGH THE NOSE FOR MY SERVICES



But I thought I already had that.....? You know what, never mind.....

(Healing is different than Lifeup because it treats status effects)



Huh, maybe Frank WAS here before! Or at least one of his goons was.

Hope they weren't looking to come back for this!



Hey, I don't remember taking out the cartridge and putting in Donkey Kong, Jr.!

(YES I KNOW DONKEY KONG JR. ISN'T ON SNES)



Before I continue, I think I'll take a bite out of that LSD Hamburger I...uhh....FOUND.....yep.



You're now aware that this room is shaped like a pencil. Seriously, go back a few frames and look!

Soundtrack: Sanctuary Guardian's Challenge



Man, it's about time too!



So then.... is it still called Your Sanctuary? Or is it called My Sanctuary now? UGH, WHATEVER



YES I WILL GLADLY TAKE THE ENIGMATICALLY NAMED SANCTUARY FROM YOU

Soundtrack: Oncoming Boss

Soundtrack: Sanctuary Guardian



Titanic Ant? MORE LIKE TITANIC CAN'T!

OH THAT'S FRESH!!!

This celebrity's almost TOO easy!

CELEBRITY BOSS BATTLE #4: VS. LEONARDO DICAPRIO, ACCOMPANIED BY BILLY ZANE AND FRANCES FISHER

For this dramatic reenactment of James Cameron's Titanic, I will be playing the role of Rose.

Now then, FIGHT BEGIN



Oh, Jack! It seems my pompous fiancee and overbearing mother have come to take me away from you! They could never understand our love!

That's why I hired Celine Dion to express it through song!



Yes! I understand your pain, dearest! I feel it just as you do!



Hurry, Ms. Dion! Sing!

NEEEEEAAAAR........FAAAAAAAAR.....WHERE EEEEEEEEVER YOU ARE



I BELIEEEEEVE THAT MY HEART WILL GO OOOOOOOOOON



Look, Jack, it worked! My mother and Cal finally understand the depths of our love!



But the pain of losing those so dear to me!



OH NO JACK THE SHIP IS SINKING

MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY



SOMEHOW I HAVE FOUND THE STRENGTH FOR MY HEART TO GO ON

AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK, JACK

(I can't BELIEVE I pulled that off! OK, quick explanation. About how I survived with 0 HP. Not the weird Titanic RP thing going on, I have no idea what's happening there. Your HP in Earthbound is a rolling counter, meaning that you don't lose all your HP from an attack immediately, so you can pull off crazy stuff like that!)



No, Jack, no! Don't shield me from the cold! You'll surely die!



I can't bear the pain of losing you Jack!



You've grown so pale! STAY WITH ME JACK



JACK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Soundtrack: You Defeated the Boss!



I'll never let go.......



Jack leaves me one last gift before he sinks beneath the waves with The Ship of Dreams.



Well, that settles that! Let's head out of the pencil room and see about that big footprint!

Soundtrack: Welcome to Your Sanctuary



It's.....not much more than I expected. Honestly, a real steppe would have been more exciting.

Soundtrack: Your Sanctuary-Giant Step



I take a steppe toward the Step and OH MY GOSH I'VE BEEN BLINDED. WITH SCIENCE. ER, MAGIC.

Soundtrack: A Flash of Memory



While my retinas heal after the initial singeing, the Giant Step reminds me of HORRIBLE MEMORIES.



FRESH JAMZ GET



My eyes are still in searing pain, but hey, my HP and PP have been restored!



Presumably after hearing the commotion upstairs, the monsters in the cave decide they want no part of it and run away, surrendering immediately upon capture!



I could have at one point, but it's a little iffy now.

But hey, it's cool, the Mayor say I could come her-



Did you listen to a word I said?



Yeah, sure, JUST AS SOON AS I CAN SEE AGAIN

Soundtrack: Home Sweet Home(Pollyanna)



Mom once again uses the infallible cure of shooting me up with Kamak and sending me to bed.



ACK

VOICES IN MY HEAD

I'm starting to think all these years of LSD usage may present some problems for me!



OH WELL THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW

I'm heading straight to rehab tomorrow morning.



.....Oh, it's just Wry contacting me with her mind. Much less worrisome!

On the next episode, I answer the dream call on my way to the next Sanctuary!

These movie classics/boss battles are to die for.

This guy!

Also have your fill of me. The taste lingers pleasantly, but only for so long.

And Mom knows how to cook you just right to seal in all the flavor.

Kamak's good, but he's no dirt cake.

I don't know, I find him pretty.......ADDICTING.

HA CHA CHA CHA

Well, what have we here? It's a weekend surprise! Kind of like tuna surprise, but somehow even less edible, and yet WAY more enjoyable.

Chapter Two: GulliMarc's Travels

Episode Eight: Police Brutality! Also Marc Starts Dieting

Soundtrack: Onett Theme



I suppose I could have just ignored Officer Grouchy's orders, but I'm feeling compliant today.

What's the worst he could do? I'm ten years old!

Soundtrack: Apple Kid's Theme



Now, now, Officer, there's no need for name-calling! (Even though I was calling you names in the last frame, shhh!)



Right, "do not enter" means ENTER WITHOUT EXPRESS PERMISSION. Got it.



Oh man, I really AM Charlie Brown!



Well, maybe if Obama lowered tax rates, you wouldn't be having this problem!



Oh come on, you and I both know THAT'S a lie! You guys have a sign in town asking people to do JUST THAT!



So what you're saying is that it's the whiners who make a big deal of things you're supposed to make a big deal of.



But from what I've gathered, I guess it's a not a big deal, right?



Whoa, did one of your walls just break? I think it was the fourth one.



How strange! A police officer who actually wants to help me progress!

You guys really should try to make a habit out of this!



Wait, where are we going?

Oh, to go get the squad car, right? Great idea! I totally want to blare the siren!

Soundtrack: Save the Miners!



Uhh.... This doesn't look like Twoson.



Why, Captain! I didn't know you were married! And over five times, no less!



But I'm not wearing boots! What do I look like, a cowboy? A Vietnam combat vet?

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weak Opponent



Hmm..... Maybe I ought to keep a lid on the snarky remarks around hostile humans. It tends to get me in trouble!

LSD Meter: I don't even know what color to call that background.



Although apparently it doesn't get me in nearly as much trouble as I thought!



See? This is why you were told to wear your bullet-proof vest! How are you supposed to stop armed criminals when a kid with a bat can seriously injure you?

Soundtrack: You Defeated the Boss!



This is probably going to reflect poorly on your annual performance review.



That would require me to lose about 50 IQ points and develop an obsession with road blocks, no thanks!



GOOD GRACIOUS, HOW BAD DO OUR SUPER HEROES SUCK?!?!?



QUITE A LOT, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT



That's for having the GALL to insult Batman! I swear, lowering him to your level.... It's criminal!



It happens a lot. You'll just have to get used to it.



Trust me, it's not the mayor's compliments that do that!

....Wait.

IT'S YOU. THE COP WHO LAUGHED AT ME.



Hey! You do NOT say that to an emotional eater! HUBLOO HOO HOO HOO HOO



Sniff.... Well, luckily I've been able to find other ways to cope besides eating lately.



What, leave me an emotional wreck? Yeah, I'm gonna have to decline!



Whoa, easy there, Sabin! Go find another guy to play Fight the Phantom Train with!



Sorry, I only accept being dissected in the name of science!



OH WHO AM I KIDDING

THIS IS STILL MY COPING MECHANISM

HUBLOO HOO HOO HOO HOO



No! I must compose myself! My energy can be used for better purposes, like performing a perfect SMAAAAAASH on this bozo!



This time, in more ways than one!

I don't need your sultry comforts any longer, food!

As of now, Marc is officially on a diet!



But when childhood obesity is prevented, don't we all win?



You're....you're not going to fight me? Oh come on, it's just a baseball bat! You can grow back new teeth! (No you can't)



When you can't win a fair fight, the obvious solution is to TELL your opponent you're going to cheat! BRILLIANT.



Your "MTF" martial arts? What does that even mean?!? I'm not even sure all those words are semaphore!

Soundtrack: Oncoming Boss

Soundtrack: Battle Against an Unsettling Opponent



Would you take a look at this guy.

So cold, so calculating. He is the very essence of a MAN OF THE LAW. A LAWMAN, if you will.

The true identity of this celebrity has never been clearer!

CELEBRITY BOSS BATTLE #5: VS. STEVEN SEAGAL

FIGHT BEGIN!



I'm afraid I'm on a tight schedule, Mr. Seagal, so I'll make this quick.



My finest ships ought to melt your stony heart into submission!



OTP SUCKA



Impossible! Ol' Stevey remains unfazed! Maybe he just needs a few drubbings with my bat to see how beautiful my handiwork is!



STILL NOTHING?!?!?

THIS MAN IS A STONE COLD LAW MACHINE



You know, it's kind of unsettling that all Mr. Seagal has done so far is stand there and stare at me with his steely gaze.



OH GOSH WHAT



Well played, Mr. Seagal! Wait until I let my guard down, and then strike with a hand of COLD JUSTICE!

Soundtrack: You Defeated the Boss!



Unfortunately for you, justice is on MY side this time!

You Gained a Level!



Sweet justice.....



Sweet, sweet justice......

Soundtrack: Spell Learned



SWEET SWEET SWEET JUSTICE

LIP PUCKERING JUSTICE

CAVITY-INDUCING JUSTICE



Actually, I'm surprised you did that well against ME!



Only if you DON'T TAKE ME THERE YOURSELF.

Fool me twice, shame on me!



I think this will be your best episode yet.

"Tonight, Steven Seagal gets whipped by a little boy and has to submit to his demands!"



Aww, what? No cool indecipherable police code? What a letdown!



OK, you SERIOUSLY need better staff if they still can't figure out when their BOSS is calling!



Ahem, SECONDS would be more accurate. Just tell them I'm already out the door.

Also tell them I'll be arriving in the squad car.

Also I'd like to DRIVE the squad car.



Are you writing this down, Chief? I'd rather not bring the DA's office into this!



Steven Seagal is a very educated man.



Nice hard-boiled line! That'll reel in the viewers!



Wait, you were going to bring me in for questioning? Is there even an interrogation room here?



NOT CANON

NOT CANON

NOT CANON



Wow, not too shabby! I'm beginning to look like a seasoned hero!

Soundtrack: Home Sweet Home(Pollyanna)



And what would a seasoned hero be without his crippling drug addiction?



That's right. But you can call me El Diablo Guapo. Everyone else does.



Let me know when the episode starring me airs, OK?



Man, you are WAY behind the times! I had a Town Map before I even met you!



I didn't know I had a trans-dimensional map! Sweet!

This doesn't seem like technology that people should be giving kids at the library for free!



Apparently all the animals on the road to Twoson heard that I took out a major television star. Look how they run in fear!

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent



But they can't escape me.



NONE OF THEM CAN.

Soundtrack: You Win!



NOT A SINGLE ONE.



Here's a random house in the middle of the woods! This totally isn't how most horror movies start!

Soundtrack: Zombie Paper



Mmyup, nothing unusual going on in here.



Wow, those are some really generous mice! I'm surprised they can keep up with monthly payments!



They're always the first to leave at parties.



The two things EVERYONE should look for in roommates!



I'm...uhh....not sure that's legal. Don't I have to sign paperwork for this or something? No?



Just mazes? Seems like kind of a useless ability if you ask me!



Wow, you REALLY don't like your kids, do you?



...Really, REALLY don't like your kids!



Yeah, slavery....!



No, one kidnapping charge is more than enough, thank you.



I remember when these things used to put up a decent fight! When was that again?

Oh yeah, LAST EPISODE.



Dangit! But I can't just leave this LSD Hamburger out there for someone else to enjoy! An inventory full of them just isn't enough to satisfy me!



So I guess I'll just eat one of the ones I have in order to take this one!



I'm sorry, diet...... I failed you.

Soundtrack: Oncoming Foe



Oh good, it's turning out to be a normal day after all!

Soundtrack: Battle Against a Mobile Opponent



I was beginning to think today was just going to be one strange event after another!

Glad I can put those fears to rest!

LSD Meter: OF COURSE this is the first enemy I run into after eating an LSD Hamburger!



I guess being rambling, sorry, RAMBLIN', and evil doesn't help you defend against attacks at all!



.....Or help you in any way whatsoever!



Ah, another victory of Ramblin' Good over Ramblin' Evil!

Soundtrack: Boy Meets Girl(Twoson)



And after a brisk walk through the woods, we've arrived in Twoson!

....I don't see any bunny people yet.

Oh well! I'm sure meeting up with Wry will make this whole trip worth it! At least if she's as cute as I'm imagining her to be.

On the next episode, I attempt to locate Wry!

Hmm, town police force assaults underage kids with impunity? Twoson must be in the South somehwere.

Tuscon is in Arizona.

This joke only works if you think Twoson/Tuscon should be pronounced the same.

Whoops I explained the joke.

Another good episode! I can't wait until we start seeing the pop flyin'-Happyists.

Edit: The filtration of words makes it funnier.

The police station is still in Onett.



I've been thinking about how I'm going to joke about them and I think know what I want to do!

If you guys don't mind, I'd like some feedback. What do you all think of the LP so far? Is the pacing good, or should I pick it up a bit? Anything I could improve upon? This LP is for you lovely people, so I want you to be satisfied with it!

I think it's great, I can't see the pictures, but the jokes are hilarious.

You mean they're too small or they're borked?

School blocks imgur and the like due to "Image Servers & Image Search Engines"