Too good not to share
Quote:
weren't you the benelovent space empress?
Elaine Nowak
i am all
in a world of heroes there was a teeny tiny kingdom, so little you'd most likely miss it if you didn't know it was there. This was the only kingdom around that didn't seem to have any heroes of it's own. Surroundings lands were blessed with such fabled figures as Great Handsome Oppressor the Lance Knight, Shining Enchantress Yeili - Sparkling Example of Youth and Fashionable George of Undisclosed Gender.
Alas, this tiny kingdom has naught but the people living in it, a bunch of witches and the Looming Castle, where Elaine, the Tiniest Prettiest Sugoi Princess, lived
Elaine Nowak
yes good
All Elaine was ever know for was being particularly small and exceptionally sugoi. Hardly qualities that attracted a lot of handsome princes
Elaine Nowak
pff
there were some rumors about Elaine, a goat and a couple of pigs, though hardly anyone laughed about that anymore.
Sometimes Elaine would throw big parties that would attract some of the surrounding gentry who proceeded to try and woo her to get to her tiny little kingdom's riches, but Elaine could not be swayed as they all had bad breath and wore boring trousers.
Elaine Nowak
oh gosh
joh this is great
One day a passing merchant, who knew of Elaine's love for his interesting sock collection, told of a prince who had been kidnapped by a dragon and was now held in a cave just below te highest peak in the Awkward mountains, where all sorts of foul undead dwelled
Elaine Nowak
i-interesting sock collection
having a venomous hatred for the undead ever since her parents had turned out to be vampires when Elaine served them her famous garlic stew, so she decided this prince should be rescued
the most interesting socks
not feeling very adventurous, Elaine put an ad in the international paper for smaller kingdoms, asking for some noble hero to save this prince from the vile dragon's clutches and maybe bring him to her for make-outs and cake
Elaine Nowak
yesssss
the best combination
some time after her request a well armored person riding a pony presented himself. It was the Handsome Otaku of Butts, who had gained renown by slaying the Germans, the most hated of peoples. Elaine sent him on his way with a packed lunch and a facebattle with only a little but of tongue, to save the handsome prince and fight the wicked undead.
Alas, not a fortnight later he was spotted at the border, himself a zombie. So they chopped of his head and put fire to the body
Elaine Nowak
oh my gosh
Quite some time after that, a next hero arrived, introducing herself as Most Well Endowed Heroine Sheila, carrying with her the mighty hammer of bans. She was carried into battle by a band of fighters who looked very capable themselves, but smelled a little weird. She pledged herself to Elaine's noble goal and allowed her to touch her butt for a bit, fueling gossip in the land for generations.
Much time passed without hearing anything, until one day an ad was to be found in the papers proclaiming her pending nuptuals to some southern lord of the deserts, to Elaine's dismay
Much time passed after that and Elaine had all but given up hope, when in the middle of the night she heard a great banging on the palace gates. She slipped into a coat and her royal slipper to see just what was going on over here
At the gate stood the most magnificent hero she had ever seen, wearing shining blue armor, wielding a saber that seemed to be made from starlight and riding the most glorious cow she had ever seen
he proclaimed himself to be Master Commander, greatest of the Mobile Armor Knights and chosed rider of Spots, the cow of justice, who's moo put fear into the hearts of evil everwhere
Elaine Nowak
glorious
He told Elaine he would ride forth and save the most rambunctious prince from the dragon's den and fight the grueling undead on condition that Elaine herself join him and facebattle him goodnight every night before bedtime, as he tended to sleep poorly on account of the cow's tendency to stare
Elaine Nowak
joh this is great
should we share it with other people?
Elaine Nowak
i've been showing Great Handsome Oppressor
Elaine put on her best pair of travelling pants and took from the armory the pogo stick her grandfather had left her before mounting the cow and riding forth to the Awkward mountains. While riding through the cold winds she figured she might have put on a more sensible coat as her nipples sort of showed, but the Master Commander didn't seem to mind much, nor did the cow
Elaine Nowak
omg
every morning they sucked fresh milk straight from the udder, which felt a little bit weird at first but she could get into it
the closer they got to the Awkward mountain, the more numerous the undead were. At first it was just a couple of zombies but soon they were fighting ninja zombie pirate robots of all kinds
they battled their way up the mountain, greatly assisted by Elaine's skills with her pogo stick that she would ride ever day with great pleasure
Elaine Nowak
yesss
soon they reached the peak of the mountain, where a dark cave loomed from which a foul smell emanated
they walked in, though the cow much prefered to stay outside and clean her udders for a bit
Master Commander lit the way with his star shining sword, showing the cavern to be overgrown with all sorts of fungus
Elaine was sort of worried about getting a yeast infection, though Master Commander assured her he'd had much worse in his time
the deeper they went, the worse the smell became, which did terror to Elaine's royal sensitivities and made her gag something awful.
Eventually they reached a great cavern in the middle of which was chained the most handsome example of a sort-of-human being she had ever laid eyes on
he called for them to escape, but feeling particularly heroic they refused, stating their goal to rescue this prince from the sassy dragon and get themselves the d
The prince proclaimed them to be fools however and started to grow, making Elaine wonder if everything stayed in proportion. Within seconds the beautful prince chained to the floor had transformed into a grand dragon who's scales shimmered with green light
Elaine Nowak
oh noooo
Master Commander gripped his starry blade tightly and grunted, preparing himself to release the onslaught on the terrible winged lizard.
Elaine however had other plans and hopped onto her pogo stick, bouncing up high and stomping her full mass on her companion, drilling him halfway into the ground.
I can totally get into sassy times with a dragon, she said, and winked suggestively
Elaine Nowak
omg
the dragon, who'd been in a dry spell for quite some time now, totally saw no problems with this and ate the poor hero stuck in the ground.
Elaine mounted the dragon as she always hoped she would and together they flew into the horizon, weirding the populace out forever
THE END
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