AWKWARD ZOMBIE

We've all seen storytimes. Wonderful little experiences where we share joyous tales and adventures.

This isn't one of those.

Me and Loli aren't here to enlighten or entertain, to amuse or amaze. We are here to share misery and dismay. And here's how we're going to do it. Every couple days the two of us are going to give you an update on a particularly awful comic we've discovered. To differentiate our commentary, I'll be commenting in Blue, while the ever fabulous Lolita will be sharing her thoughts in PANK.



My little dashie is truly a work of something terrible. Ignoring the inconsistencies in art and the asinine storyline, the idea on its own is just plain creepy, surprise surprise. For example, look at his hands in the above picture. Pinkies are now the same size as every other finger!

Ignoring the most blatant offenses of art and writing, My Little Dashie seems to be actively insulting the creative medium itself. Horrid framing, art, and panel layout make a mockery of any comic created in the past century, and the writing itself is an attempt to make a dictionary vomit. This is less of a comic and more of a vehicle for the deluded fantasies of the Heretic creators to become just slightly less fake

Our story begins with unnamed protagonist #391. I’ll be calling him Naruto OC.



Naruto OC here is disappointed with his life probably because his existence is covered in JPG artifacts and he constantly has a glowing circle of color around his head. Also what the hell is going on in the upper left hand corner of the last panel.

Although I agree that our protagonist bears a striking resemblance to your average Naruto OC (Do Not Steal), I feel that his name should reflect how you feel when looking at him. To that end, I’ll be calling him Dirty Sanchez. Mr. Sanchez here lives in a world of constant gradients, representing the ambiguity of existence and the gradual process by which he begins a new lifestyle, as well as representing the artist’s lack of talent in photoshop.



Despite having a relatively nice place, a computer, a TV and presumably a couple gaming systems, he finds himself lacking in life, presumably because he’s not existing in a world of rainbows, sunshine and friendship and loyalty and because he isn’t legally allowed to love a horse. That and the fact that instead of hair strands he just has lots of blobs on his hair.

And what is with that guy to the right of him in the first panel? He looks like he’s about to do something really, really sinister.

Mr. Sanchez is clearly experiencing a form of social isolation due to him being the only one in town not wearing a colorful turd for a hat. The “Shitheads” find it difficult to socialize with him due to this. He only finds company in the lower class of shitheads, those whose turds are less flamboyantly colored than the higher castes.

Also, his Mac is clearly radioactive. That probably doesn’t help.



Here we find good examples of Dirty Sanchez’s life among the Shitheads. The monochromatic Shithead seen in the uppermost panel is clearly a companion who outgrew Sanchez when her plumage came in. Note how she refuses to look at him. In the lower panel, we see Sanchez dealing with predators in the customary manner; by shifting most of his body mass away from the dogs view, making him appear as a less appealing meal. Nature is truly fascinating.



Ah, and here we finally have an example of framing, giving us some god daisies context in this aimless, meandering jpg artifact of a story. Sanchez’s homeland is apparently dying. Given the general color scheme, I’m guessing its of radiation. TURN OFF THE RADIOACTIVE MAC, ASSHOLE.

The entire city is filled with absolute bleakness, shitty gradients and jpg artifacts? Thanks obama.



Because living in an economically dead city and still having a job paying well enough to keep up with all yours bills and afford expensive computer equipment is SO DIFFICULT. He was even lucky enough to be born with relatively normal hands, despite his mom and dad having needles and flippers, respectively.

He’s despairing so hard over his pitiful life his eye is leaking out gradients. And Jesus you’re dad must’ve been slenderman with arms that long.



While the story has, up to this point, been a fairly standard tale of an entitled white kid who complains too much, this is where we start seeing the first signs of the neuroses that led to this comics creation. Also note the clever shift in the boners appearance in the last panel; they seem disappointed that Sanchez isn’t punching through his screen to join them. A further example of the authors disconnection from reality.

“My life is so shitty that it’s making my fingers become inconsistently sized and shaped! Gyaaahh!” He snapped back to the reality where his hand can bodaciously not all fit over his nose, let alone his face.



Here Sanchez shifts from past to present tense in the middle of an action, demonstrating the fact that this writer has yet to pass any high school english class. Then again, who needs English class when you have your sweet, fictional pony booty? His diatribe on walking is also hilariously bad. Most people SLEEP when they’re tired, Sanchez.



Here, Sanchez reveals that his favorite things are influence by his mother, making this the first stopping point for the FREUD OF DISAPPROVAL.



I get the feeling we’ll be seeing him a lot.

Your mother’s paintings were full of shitty gradients and jpg artfacts? Dude I think you’re putting your mom too high up on a pedestal.



And here’s where it gets disturbing. A man so fanatically obsessed that even the slightest resemblance to his beloved Rainbow Dash is enough to inspire a strong emotional response. This is how serial killers begin, people.



Complain all you want about the brown gradient+jagged lines that is your life, Sanchez, it isn’t going to change until the artist stops being a piece of shit. Which is to say you’re doomed.



Sanchez is putting himself on the moral high ground using a pile of words the size of the fucking empire state building. Observe how the cruel, moralless society has ruined his childish optimism. Sanchez is truly a tragic hero among men.

I see he’s following the Ctrl+alt+dlt approach to webcomics. If you can’t draw, fill your panels with words. Lots of words! It doesn’t matter if you’re a shitty writer.

But seriously, shut up about the daisies box already. You’ll probably get too excited and think it’s Rainbow Dash and start humping it or something.



Observe how Dirty Sanchez’s life begins to revolve around the completely mundane cardboard box, based on it being slightly less of a piece of shit than the thousands of other boxes he’s seen. PRIORITIES.

Why the fuck does he stare at it for like 20 panels, too? Just open the fucking box and you’ll know what’s inside it.



A mystery so intense it causes a 300% expansion in ocular size! While you all go to your eye doctors, I’ll be prepping the next episode. See you then for the COMPLETELY SHOCKING AND UNEXPECTED REVEAL THAT IS IN NO WAY SPOILED ON THE COVER PAGE.

Stay tuned, folks. This is gonna be a long and painful ride.

This comic became so much sadder when I realized it was a collaborative work. Not one, but TWO lonely twentysomething men thought this would be a good idea.

dear god why

How could anybody possibly fuck up a rainbow so badly?
I theorize that a gang of wild gradients and terrible proportions killed Sanchez's mutant parents.

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD *punch*

What did I just read?

I'm hurting inside because of this.

But the pain is just so good.

The character looks like Ichigo from Bleach than Naruto (at least for me), but the art is so bad I don't think it really matters.

Yeah, looks more like Ichigo to me as well.

Let's just hope he doesn't unveil some hidden alternate demon personality which was created from his shitty run down world.

He looks like naruto's dad imo

Here’s where the horror really begins. Sanchez finds Rainbow Dash in a box on the street for...reasons, and resists the urge to start humping it.

The author here has yet to master the art of “Show, Don’t Tell” and has decided to compensate by both showing and telling. We know there’s a Rainbow Dash in the daisies box, Sanchez. But it’s the C+A+D method. If you can’t art, just words. Words so nobody can tell your art is just as inane as your personality.



Sanchez here decides to ignore asking about why the hell Rainbow Dash, a fictitious cartoon character, is out on the street, and instead makes the most ridiculously anime facial expressions.

The severe multiversal gravity of this situation seems to be slowly extending Sanchez’s face, as well as mutilating his body. Mutilating his body in two different ways. Look at the second to last panel. I’m pretty sure legs don’t work like that.



Rainbow Dash just...just go back to sleep. You don’t want to be here. And Jesus, either R-Dash is really fucking small or that box is gigantic.

I’m pretty sure exploding hearts is not a meme. I’ve seen Exploding Ovaries, but not exploding hearts. Also, Continuity Error! Sanchez was already kneeling. We expected so much more from you, Mr. Author.



I can’t even say anything other than hiS FUCKING NOSE

Sanchez can actually TALK! Maybe eventually we’ll get an actual name out of him and I can stop referring to him as an obscene sexual maneuver. Also, he has the content of episodes memorized by number. Creepy much.



Dude maybe she’s shivering because some creep just started staring at her after she woke up. And the dimensions on that box are really inconsistent.

Why the hell are there so many pristinely white sheets of paper flying around whenever a breeze is present. I guess there’s a real surplus of white paper? Thanks Obama. A surplus of white would be more Mitt Romney’s thing, but okay.



oH GOD I DON’T LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

The only scientific study that would occur if she was found by a lab would be an investigation into what he was smoking because hot daisies thats some good shit, seeing rainbow boners in the street and all. Hook me up, Sanchez.



OH GOD THE GRADIENTS ARE TRYING TO CONSUME HER. R-DASH GET OUT OF THERE!

Substitute the Jacket with his Dick and this is exactly how rape starts. Why would you put that image in my mind oh god. Look this ain’t exactly subtle. It’s so obvious the Freud of Disapproval’s coming back for another round.





Who needs artistic talent when you can just burn & dodge tool your way to victory? Dude what’s wrong with your shoulder in the first panel oh my god bones don’t work that way and my god R-Dash’s legs hooves don’t work like that what is anatomy I’m spinning in a web of madness.

The amount of photoshop effects increases as the sanity decreases.



By holding Rainbow Dash, it allows his fingers to magically change sizes from small and stubby to long and slender.

Let’s clarify. He can feel her hooves and wings poking him. Hooves AND wings. Two appendages on complete opposite sides of the body. If you’re going to spend so much time being descriptive, at least be better at it.



I NEED AN ADULT I NEED AN ADULT OH GOD I NEED AN ADULT

Hey Sanchez, I know how they would react! Exactly like we are; with disgust and revulsion!

Will Sanchez escape the critical eye of all sane humans and make it to his apartment with dignity intact! Spoilers: no, he won’t. Can’t lose what you never had, mate. See you next time while we further dash your hopes and dreams.

My reaction thus far.

But with even less pop flyin'.

In fact no pop flyin'.

Oh god the gradients. They are going to consume us all!

This is an absolute train wreck. I want to look away, but I can't.

it hurts to do this

you better appreciate what we do for you all