Doppelganger: Mirrors of Truth! (Persona 4)
Quote:
Rise Kujikawa's return to showbiz was going better than she could have ever dreamed. According to her new manager, the "'whole going back to the boonies' thing really worked out great! Now we can sell you as the pure, devoted innocent country girl on a whole new level of jailbait."
Before Rise had been able to tell her manager exactly what she thought of that marketing strategy, he had shoved a condensed plot summary for a screenplay in her face.
"You're gonna love this, Risette! It's this great new movie, and the script's from some total unknown... what was the name? Keisuke Hanamachi? Yohei Sakuramura? Something like that. Anyway, it's going to be a huge blockbuster! The studios are even talking about worldwide simultaneous releases! This is just what we need to take you to the next level!"
Rise nodded warily, thrilled at the prospects for her career but as she read the synopsis page, this "Doppelganger" film's plot sounded eerily familiar. Twisted clones of people knowing all their secrets, created when they were tossed into mirrors on the full moon, holding them hostage? Having to be rescued before the new moon or the mirror they'd be thrown into would crack and they'd be trapped forever? Having to accept their "dark half" in order to escape?
It didn't take Naoto to figure out "Keisuke Hanamachi" or whatever painful pseudonym the script writer was more than a little more than casually acquainted with events in Inaba.
--
"Thanks, Youta! Without your help, I never could have overcome my doppelganger and accepted my intense jealousy of your good fashion sense and musical talents." The bowl-cut wearing transfer student, Akira, said solemnly.
"No need to thank me, partner. We all have an inner dark side... well, not all of us, but -"
"Oh, Youta! You're so cool! Saving Akira-kun like that!" A perky, and chesty, classmate ("with a fetish for Thai kickboxing films") named Muneko interrupted as she glomped onto Youta with a joyful squeal.
"Cut! Great work, guys!" The director indicated they should stop for lunch before resuming the filming of the next scene, "Reiko's Blue Fortress."
Rise sat there fuming on the sidelines as the cut completed for the first 'doppelganger encounter' scene. "Youta Kikuchi" (described in the character notes as "a good-looking, naturally brilliant student who has a plethora of hobbies AND works a parttime job at the local megastore") had just saved the new transfer student, "Akira Azai" ("an unpopular emo kid who always listens to his mp3 player and is infatuated with his friend Youta").
And it just got worse from there. There were, beyond Youta and Akira and Muneko, Reiko, Kenji, Naomi, and "Usagi" (slated to be renamed "Bunny" for the English release, and described as a "mysterious and perky foreign girl who comes to live with Youta and constantly tries to seduce him, with hilarious results!") to round out the "Doppelganger Search Squad". The penultimate villain-turned-final member, Yuki, was described as "a young androgynous girl with an unhealthy obsession with crime novels who, often mistaken as a boy and jealous of the female attentions lavished on Youta, throws people into mirrors to unleash their doppelgangers and win his love."
And the ultimate mastermind of the villainy? Special Investigator Kotaro Kojima, "a bitter widower and alcoholic who, annoyed at having to take in his nephew Akira and watch over his young daughter Koko, makes a pact with an ancient dark god to create the perfect serial murder crime case so he never has to go home and see his family."
If the events of their year in Inaba fighting Adachi and Izanami hadn't been so unbelievable to being with, she was sure this film would be inundated with libel suits from everyone other than Yosuke.
Rise vowed to herself that she would strangle him with her bare hands the next time she saw him.
And things only got weirder for Rise on the actual set. She had not, surprisingly, been cast as Naomi ("a washed-up child actress who returns home to Kami-Maebara and works at her grandfather's tempura shop"); no, she had been cast as Reiko. The common thread with every other potential part was, of course,that she was in love with Youta.
Rise hadn't read through to the end of the script, but she wouldn't be surprised if the final revelation was that Investigator Kojima had actually murdered his wife in order to be free to pursue his feelings for Youta.
She sighed as the director called her to go to makeup and get ready to play "demure local beauty and love hotel owner's daughter" Reiko.
It was going to be a long day of filming.
--
"C'mon, Rise! We're all waiting!" The director called out impatiently as yet another take of the "Reiko accepts her doppelganger" scene had to be redone.
"I, I just, I... this might sound weird, but don't you think the dialogue here is a little off?"
The director scoffed while the other actors rolled their eyes.
"Rise-chan, of course it sounds off! This is a fantasy-horror-mystery-romantic comedy we're creating!"
Rise sighed. "Yeah, I know that, but - Reiko says 'my attraction and jealousy toward Muneko is part of me, but really it's all part of my fear of telling the truth - the truth is that I love you, Youta, and I'll save myself and wait for you to rescue me from my family's sinful business!'?"
"Your point?" The young Johnny's star playing Youta asked with a hint of annoyance.
Rise rolled her eyes. Of course the actor playing Youta was a total fit.
"Has any female been involved at ALL with either greenlighting this script or this entire movie concept?! It's like one giant male masturbatory fantasy masquerading as a murder mystery, where every man dreams he's Youta!"
The directors eyes narrowed dangerously. "Take that condescending attitude and militant feminism off of my set or we'll take you off the cast, Kujikawa. This film is going to be huge - and you can be part of it or you can wallow in indignant misery as it rakes in billions and you realize you missed the biggest break any young actor or actress could have ever been in! Do we understand each other?"
Rise returned the director's glare before crumbling with a resigned sigh. He was right, of course.
"I'm sorry, that was totally out of line." She turned to the actor playing Youta. "This really is a dream come true, working with you!"
Working her way back into character, she giggled as Youta gave a smug smile. Stupid but pretty.
"Oh!" She squealed as she threw herself onto him. "My attraction and jealousy toward Muneko is part of me, but really it's all part of my fear of telling the truth!" She threw in an over-dramatic false swoon, hand over her face. "The truth is that I love you, Youta, and I'll save myself and wait for you to rescue me from my family's sinful business!"
The director yelled cut to thunderous applause from the set staff. The storyline may have been utter nonsense, but Rise could ratchet up her acting to be as ridiculous as the script called for.
And she couldn't wait to invite the old Investigation Team to a private screening of the finished product. She was sure they would love it just as much as she was loving the filming.
--
"Wow, Rise-chan's in her own feature film!? That's so bear-y wonderful!" Teddie gushed as their group sat down in the screening room and the opening of "Doppelganger: Mirror of Truth!" began to play.
"Yeah, it was really nice of you to invite us all here for a private screening." Chie added.
"Oh, don't thank me." Rise said demurely. "Thank the creative genius whose script brought this to life." And with that, she gestured at the name that flashed up on the screen as the opening credits continued.
"Keisuke Hanamichi?" Naoto said, voice tinged with suspicion, as Yosuke squirmed in his seat.
Rise sat back with a grin. Yes, she was thoroughly going to enjoy watching her friends watch the film.
--
"WHAT!!!" Chie had screeched as her stand-in, chesty cheerleader Muneko, had just overcome her doppelganger by realizing her "kickboxing was simply an effort to deny [her] overwhelming affection for Youta", and her fear that she "could never be feminine enough for him, like Reiko".
Souji, on the other hand, had been eerily silent since the bumbling and introverted Akira had entered onto the stage, the only sound from him being the sound of something crunching under his death-grip on the armrests on his seat.
Teddie, on the other hand, had been vocal enough for everyone else, with his incessant questions and commentary:
"Wow, these 'doppelgangers' are a lot like everybody's Personas, aren't they?!"
"Akira has the same haircut as Senpai!"
"Youta sure is cool! It's like he's the hero and everyone else has to rely on him for help, but that's okay because he's so cool!"
"Wait! So, Reiko wanted to score with Muneko, but that's really because she didn't think Youta would let her score with him?"
Yukiko had given a frustrated scream in response to that one.
Rise glanced over to Yosuke, wondering how long it would be before he attempted an escape.
--
"What the hell was that!?" Kanji stood up and shouted as "Kenji" confessed his undying love for Youta, only to result in a comical montage where Usagi chased him around the YMCA hall.
"Now now," Chie said with a smirk, "it was the only way to defeat his 'doppelganger'."
Yukiko went into one of her laughing fits while Kanji's face reddened in anger.
Yosuke had, as Rise predicted, attempted to get up and leave several times, claiming his "small bladder" was acting up, only to find his arm gripped like a vice by Souji, who had given a frown of disapproval while pointing for Yosuke to sit back down each time. He seemed to be resigned to his fate, nervously glancing at Souji and Chie from time to time.
Rise was convinced, however, that the "best scenes" were yet to come. After all, they hadn't even introduced Naomi or Yuki yet!
--
"HUH?! Teddie's not a girl!!!"
The indignant shouting brought a devilish grin to Rise's face as the last domino of recognition toppled over.
Yes, "Usagi" had started to unzip her bunny costume at the food court, only to realize, as she had gotten down to her bare shoulders, that - "oh no!" - she didn't have anything on underneath!
"I hope you'll still like me even without clothes, Youta-kun!" The actress playing Usagi giggled fliratatiously while the camera for the scene had focused in very closely on her cleavage.
"That's okay, Usagi." Youta said with bravado, followed by a hearty laugh. "I just hope my parents don't mind, since you'll be staying with me!"
The rest of the "Search Squad" burst into appreciative laughter, coupled with squeals of "kawaaiiiiiiiii!" from Muneko and Kenji, before the camera focused on a close-up of Youta, who gave a cheesy wink before the scene faded and a new one opened.
Rise giggled as she remembered how that scene had finally convinced even the jerkwad playing Youta that they were starring in an awful film. Once the other actors and actresses involved finally saw how ridiculous everything was, treating their "summer blockbuster" like a B-flick during production had made the whole experience quite entertaining. Even if the director had never quite caught on.
--
Yosuke had watched her like a hawk during the "Naomi doppelganger" scenes, wondering just how Rise was going to spin that.
After all, Naomi's dark side was that of a nymphomaniac who tried to bed any and every man she could talk to, only to realize it was compensation for "the emotional emptiness that only Youta-senpai can save me from!"
Rise had laughed hard and loud during most of the confession scene, prompting looks of surprise from the rest of the team.
"What?" She shrugged as she looked at the bewildered faces. "Just because this isn't supposed to be one of the gags doesn't mean I can't appreciate it as one."
The scene had faded out as Usagi's doppleganger appeared, spouting nonsense about worrying how Youta would never love her as much as the other girls because she wasn't a "real girl," but a "sex vixen from the Mirror World."
Souji had finally broke down into laughter at that one, while Teddie continued to rail about how "off" his stand-in character was.
Rise leaned back to catch Naoto's eye, mouthing "you're up next" with a playful smirk.
--
Rise leaned back with a smirk. Akira had just cried in Youta's arms down by the banks of the Harugawa, confessing his love to Youta even while declaring "I know you could have your pick of any girl and you're not into guys, but still..." - all while Youta laughed heartily, patting the other boy's back and telling him how "you're only human."
Chie and Yukiko were cracking up, while Souji had gagged on air as the scene played out.
"Senpais, the good stuff is coming up right now! You finally get to meet Akira's uncle!"
Sure enough, the scene switched to Youta walking Akira home, Akira clinging to Youta for dear life as they parted. ("I need you, partner!" the bowl-cut-wearing boy had wailed.)
Just as that happened, the door to the Kojima residence to burst open as a shifty-eyed, dark-haired man with bloodshot eyes, red nose, and a ridiculously large waxed-mustache peeked out. One hand was holding an opened flask.
Everyone except for Souji and Yosuke burst out into uncontrollable laughter, while Souji's eyes narrowed to slits as he glared at a paled Yosuke.
"Finally home, you little pansy?" Kojima slurred out as he waved the flask around. "I had to send Koko out for more whiskey instead of you! You barely earn your keep here!"
"I'm sorry, uncle." Akira hung his head as Kojima dropped the flask to twirl his mustache. "I didn't realize you were out again already."
"Try looking in the fridge, you little nancy boy!" Kojima railed before turning his attention to Youta. "And you..." his eyes narrowed. "Mind your own business, or you'll regret it. And soon."
Ominous music thundered as Kojima cackled maniacally while twirling his mustache, then slammed the door and lumbered back into the house. The scene ended with some one-liner coupled with another close-up on one of Youta's ridiculous winks before fading out.
"I think the only thing missing from that scene was a monocle and a black cape." Naoto said with a chuckle.
"I guess 'Keisuke Hanamachi' just can't do characterization that well." Kanji added with a smirk.
"Poor Koko," Teddie said. "Such an awful father and an unkind cousin. If only Akira wasn't so desperate to score with Youta."
Souji just groaned in frustration as he threw his hands into the air.
"And to think of the way he must abuse his junior partner. What was the name? Minoru Hitachi, I think?" Yukiko threw in.
"I think that was it." Rise replied. "The studios actually decided to cut out anything beyond a mention of Minoru Hitachi. They're saving him to be introduced in the sequel they're tossing around." She finished with a shrug. "Something about all the Search Squad sharing a house and solving crimes while all trying to get into Youta's pants. All depends on how well this movie grosses."
Everyone else shuddered while Yosuke just slunk further into his seat.
--
The Search Squad had just rescued Tetsuo Kumagai, their class' resident otaku, who had muttered about being "pushed through the mirror" by "a short, androgynous thing."
Naoto had scoffed with indignation at that, while Kanji just glared at Yosuke.
The scene had faded as the Squad prepared to go to the Kami-Maebara Summer Festival, bringing along Akira's little cousin Koko.
Who, it turned out, had been cast as a whiny, hyper, yandere child who Akira lived in total fear of because of accidentally eating her pudding once from the Kojima residence's refrigerator.
"Hey." Yukiko tapped Rise's shoulder lightly as she leaned in to whisper. "Are there any people from Inaba who aren't awful caricatures of themselves?"
Rise furrowed her brow as she pondered that one over. Nanako? Nope. Doujima? Definitely not. Any member of their group excepting Yosuke? Clearly not the case. "Kenji's mother"? Barely on screen, but portrayed as an overbearing, tyrannical woman who had controlled her dead husband and made "Kenji" dress in frilly PANK clothes as a child. "Naomi's grandfather"? Heavily implied he had a fetish for wearing women's undergarments. Running Boy? Drug problem (cocaine AND speed). Afro Boy? Made racist jokes and pretended he was African-American, which the studio execs had worried about editing for the international markets. Youta and Akira's sex-driven homeroom teacher, "Miss Matsuura"? Well, actually...
"Maybe Kashiwagi?" She shrugged as she whispered in reply. "Or characters who don't really get any screen time?"
The two's attention was drawn back to the screen by a sudden " 'Sup brah!" and "Hey bro!" from two male classmates who had run into Youta and his harem (including Usagi in bunny-girl getup) at the festival. One was in a gaudy, multi-layered kimono complete with traditional court hat; the other, a dusty track suit.
Souji groaned while Chie just gawked.
"You've got to be kidding."
"Sanjo-san, Hosoda-san." Youta greeted them with high fives. "How are the ping-pong and tennis teams doing these days?"
"Fu-fu-fu," the kimono-clad boy laughed effeminately as he fanned himself, "call me Shou, Youta-sama! We miss your inspiration at practice!"
"Yeah dude, you've gotta hang with us! Youta, Shou, and Daiki - bros before hos, man!"
"Speaking of which," Shou began, "Muneko, my sweet, won't you ditch Kikuchi-kun and let me escort you around the festival?"
"That doesn't even make sense!" Souji burst out exasperatedly. "Didn't Kou - sorry, 'Shou' - just totally contradict 'Daiki'?"
"The studio execs thought it was clever comic banter," Rise explained. Souji just groaned in response as the dialogue continued.
"Sorry, Shou-kun," Muneko replied, "but I like men who don't spend more time on their wardrobe than I do. And my men play with man-sized balls, like basket balls or soccer balls, not ping-pong and tennis balls."
And with that, she glomped onto Youta's arm and sighed contentedly, batting her eyes up at him.
"Sorry bros, you heard the ladies. Maybe next year." Youta smirked.
The Search Squad (including Kenji and Akira) squealed at Youta appreciatively while "Sanjo" and "Hosoda" walked off, talking enviously about how "talented, athletic, and clever Youta-sama" was.
"This is just totally gratuitous, isn't it?" Yukiko asked, leaning in to Rise and clearly looking distressed.
"Wait until you see the School Festival. It's ten minutes of filler even more over-the-top than this." Rise replied.
Yukiko sat back in stunned silence, watching as a cackling Investigator Kojima appeared again on screen.
--
"I see the investigator's found his black summer cape. And matching cap." Naoto said, trying badly to suppress laughter - Kanji didn't even try - as Yosuke shrunk further into his seat. "No monocle, I see?"
"Just wait. It's even better than that." Rise giggled.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku." Kojima twirled his mustache, talking out loud to himself, apparently. "I had to leave the office for this?! There's nothing stronger than beer being served here!" He shook his beer-gripping fist in the air.
"H-h-h-hi uncle!" Akira squeaked out, grabbing at Youta's arm fearfully when Kojima turned to look at them.
"Oh - it's you." Kojima sneered, before cackling again. "Where's my pride and joy? Aren't you watching over her!?" He finished in an angry shout.
"S-s-s-she's over at the goldfish pond, terrorizing the other children." Akira managed to get out before ducking completely behind Youta.
"Hmm, I see. Well - stay out of trouble, you nosy kids! Stop and 'reflect' on your delinquent ways before it's too late! Ku-ku-ku-ku!" Kojima was back to twirling the mustache.
"Wow, your uncle's kinda weird, Akira. Almost like he's hiding something." Reiko said, with far more dripping sarcasm than the script could have called for.
Rise smiled as her friends looked at her with amusement. "No, the director couldn't even identify that as misplaced." She said with a dismissive wave as the film rolled on.
"We still haven't found the person throwing people into the mirrors, though. It could be anyone..." Youta said ponderously as he stroked his chin and furrowed his brow.
Meanwhile, in the background of the same shot, and only slightly out of focus, Kojima put on a Zorro-esque black eye mask and sneaked away, pausing once to twirl his mustache and cackling maniacally all the while.
Naoto couldn't contain herself any longer and started to laugh uncontrollably. Souji stood up and shouted "Oh come on!!!", throwing his hands in the air before hitting Yosuke in the shoulder.
"Don't blame Yosuke-senpai this time." Rise said with a shake of her head. "The studio execs and director conferred and decided to add that little scene. Their focus groups showed that the audience likes to feel clever, as if they've managed to 'figure out' the mystery in advance even as the characters still haven't pieced all the clues together."
"Some mystery." Souji mumbled as he sat back down and crossed his arms angrily.
All of their group's attention, however, was caught by a shrill, exaggerated voice they hadn't heard before. Accompanying a pipsqueak-sized person of ambiguous gender clad in trench coat, deerstalker cap, and ridiculously large pipe. The effect of which was somewhat ruined by the bubbles, rather than smoke, blowing out of it.
"My name is Yuki. Yuki Kurogane. And I'm here to solve this mystery."
Naoto groaned and slapped her forehead as a close-up on Yuki's face was accompanied by another stream of bubbles rising out of the pipe.
--
"Yes... yes, I see." Yuki croaked in her shrill yet gravelly voice.
The gender issue was somewhat less awkward in the dialogue, as everyone referred to Yuki- (far too seriously, per her insistence - as "Doctor Kurogane."
"Doctor of what?" Naoto hissed when the Yuki had issued the ridiculous demand which the Search Squad had solemnly agreed to uphold.
"She's a professional. It's only fair." Rise's character, Reiko, had said, nodding seriously while delivering the line with snarky sarcasm all the while.
"She's a creepy tween who's read one too many Sherlock Holmes stories! By that logic, the Evangelion manga in Akira's room in that one scene means he can pilot giant robots!"
"Hey, it's okay, Naoto. It's just a film." Kanji said gently, trying to talk her into sitting down.
"Yeah. A crappily-written film." She said venomously as she glared at Yosuke, who gulped.
--
"Well, my dear Youta, there can only be one possible person who is responsible for this series of highly unfortunate, and suspicious, disappearances into the mirror."
Yuki paused to stroke her chin her effect, and blow another stream of bubbles out of "that damned child's toy," as Naoto called it.
"Wait a minute..." Youta paused as his eyes widened dramatically, "We never told you that mirrors were involved."
"Oh no!" Reiko burst out, sounding vaguely bored and annoyed. "That means - !"
"Yes! Ku-ku-ku-ku!" Yuki cackled shrilly. "I've been putting people into mirrors for months now! If you had responded to my anonymous note confessing my affection to you all those months ago, Youta-senpai, your beloved Mai-senpai would still be alive!"
She paused to cackle, while the camera swirled to focus on the Search Squad, eyes all widened ridiculously wide in terror.
"And now it's your turn! Hiiyaaaah!" With an exaggerated karate-chop, the pint-sized "detective" knocked Youta into the mirror that was positioned strategically behind him. Dramatic music, somewhere between evoking tragedy and romance, suddenly boomed in the screening room.
"You monster! I loved him!" Akira wailed.
"He was my world!" Muneko bawled.
"Who will I save myself for now? When will my prince come?" Reiko shouted, dramatically swooning.
"Oh, how could this hop-pen?!" Usagi cried.
Everyone, save Yosuke and Teddie, burst into laughter at the entirety of the scene. Teddie, meanwhile, smacked Yosuke in the back of the head as he groaned.
During this series of professions of love, of course, Yuki stood there, continuing to laugh crazily, hand going over her mouth in proper exaggerated-fashion.
"And now, I must bid you all adieu, to spend eternity with my prince in a world of glass. Farewell, fools!" Before leaping into the mirror, of course, Yuki paused to put on a black eye mask and swap the deerstalker cap for a black cap (almost identical to Naoto's trademark one, minus the color). Ominous music burst out as she cackled again, for a good twenty seconds, before - finally - leaping into the "safety" of the mirror.
"Really? No one else could have, I don't know, moved to stop her during those two minutes!?" Chie complained.
"Two minutes twenty-eight seconds, to be exact." Naoto added.
"Just watch the film!" Yosuke groaned, covering his face with his hands as he dropped it towards his lap.
--
"What do we do now?" Akira wailed, sobbing into his hands.
"Hold it together!" Usagi screamed at him, shaking him and slapping him across the face. "Youta is counting on us. We're his only hippity-hoppity-hope!"
Both Souji and Teddie turned to stare hard at Yosuke, only to find their eyes meet and dissolve into laughter.
"She's right!" Reiko added, pounded her firsts together with a determined look on her face. "It's up to us now. Usagi, you can still lead us into the Mirror World, can't you?"
"Yes, but I don't see what - "
"Oh! I get it!" Kenji lisped, gesticulating dramatically. "We have to go in there after him! It'll be a 'tight' fit for us all to 'squeeze' through at once with Usagi, though."
Kanji mumbled "I hate you, Yosuke-senpai" as Kenji gave a delighted, lascivious groan as he finished his line onscreen.
"Well, what choice do we have?" Naomi said. "It's time to enter - the Mirror World!"
Dramatic music boomed again as an extreme close-up on Naomi's eyes ended the scene.
--
"So you've come." Yuki's shrill voice boomed in the eerily still air of the Mirror World. "This world, Mugetsu Maebara, will be your grave!" Echoing laughter followed, gradually trailing off.
"I'm scared!" Akira wailed. "M-m-my bladder is acting up again! I don't think I can hold it in! Maybe I should head back and take care of that and - "
The distinctive, resounding smacking sound of Usagi's palm hitting Akira's cheek again silenced any further discussion.
"Come on everyone!" Usagi said, inexplicably back in skin-tight bunny-girl outfit for their mirror adventure. "We have to save Youta from that Lilliputian lunatic!"
Kanji and Naoto exchanged annoyed looks.
--
The next ten minutes of the film had involved a series of long runs, climbing, and more panicking from Akira (always followed by someone slapping some sense into him) set against the backdrop of the Mirror World. Which was a masterful piece of CG rendering.
"The studio spent 1.5 billion yen having specialists put together all the special effects and graphics just for this section." Rise explained.
"Huh. So why so many sudden close-ups on the girls' chests during all the running and climbing montages, then?" Chie asked curiously.
"Oh, THAT was explicitly written out in the original script." Rise replied, taking the opportunity to glare at a reddened Yosuke. "Including having the girls running around in high heels."
"Yay! They've finally found that creepy little kidnapper!" Teddie shouted out excitedly, as everyone turned back to the screen.
Yuki stood in front of the Search Squad, eyes glowing a malevolent red, surrounded by a series of mirrors. Funhouse mirrors that, of course, showed her as far taller and broader than she was in actuality.
"I didn't think you clumsy over-sized fools would ever make it this far."
"Neither did I," Rise whispered to Yukiko. "My feet were killing me after all the running and climbing in heels before we got to filming this part."
Yukiko's subsequent laughing jag took away somewhat from the drama of watching Kurogane's monologue.
"I applaud your hopeless dedication to Youta, even as you must realize I'm his true soulmate. None of you can stop me now! I've accepted my dark half - or rather, it's accepted me! And I've become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!"
The insane cackling was accompanied by dramatic, sinister music, just in case the audience had somehow missed the signs Kurogane was a villainous character.
"Oh no!" Kenji lisped, dramatically clasping his chest while swooning. "How can we stop this crazy, sexually-confused dwarf creature?!"
"No. Hell no. I did not just hear that gratuitous shit." Naoto said, voice rising edgily.
"Her power level is off the charts!" Naomi shrieked. "If only I could actually help fight her, then Youta-senpai would return my love!"
Rise turned to glare at Yosuke. "Once again, nice-writing, senpai."
--
A fight scene had ensued - or, a reasonable facsimile thereof, given that nowhere in the script had an actual equivalent to the "personas" the team had used been either explained or used.
No, amid dramatic instrumental fanfare, the sort of cartoonish violence that was barely tolerated in low-budget live-action TV series was thrust on their innocent eyes.
Muneko charged at the glowing-eyed Yuki, feet flying, only to be sidestepped and go crashing into a mirror. Kenji, hands flailing and screaming, went in after her, felled by an exaggerated karate chop to the chest. Reiko, looking bored as ever, stood there furiously fanning Yuki in an apparent attempt to blow her over ("Not funny, Yosuke!" Yukiko threw in with a glare). Who promptly delivered another karate chop to Reiko's head and knocked her to the ground, a flying leap having allowing her to reach the needed height.
Which left Naomi, wide-eyed and and silently mouthing "No," and a hysterical Akira, screaming like a banshee.
Cackling while adjusting her black eye mask and askew cap, Yuki advancing menacingly on the two Search Squad members still standing. The ominous music swelled again, reaching a deafening crescendo, when suddenly --
"Stop right there!"
The camera swung around quickly behind Yuki to reveal Youta standing there, grinning cockily.
--
"Yay!" Teddie squealed in delight while the rest of their group sat there in disbelief.
"Where the hell did he come from?!" Souji blurted out.
"Ha ha ha!" Youta laughed with bravado. "You've fallen into my trap, 'Doctor' Kurogane!"
"What!?" Naoto hissed, apoplectic at the entirety of the scene.
"No! This isn't possible!" Yuki gasped, red momentarily fading from her eyes as the mask suddenly vanished. "Your doppelganger was supposed to keep you busy until I took care of your friends, and then I was going to rescue you and win your devoted affection!"
"But you overlooked one key fact in your plan, Doctor Kurogane - I don't have a dark half!"
Akira and Naomi squealed out "kakkoooiiiiii!!!" while Yuki's bubble pipe fell from her slack-jawed face.
Souji groaned in disgust while Naoto made gagging sounds.
"And now, Doctor Kurogane - no, Yuki - let me save you from the darkness in yourself."
And with that, Youta stepped forward to embrace Yuki, pressing a single chaste facebattle to her forehead.
"NOOOoooooo!!!!" Akira screamed, extending an arm out dramatically.
As Youta released Yuki, she collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily. She pressed a hand to the spot Youta had facebattled, shuddering with a disturbingly - erotic - moan.
"You've got to be kidding." Naoto ground out angrily.
"I... I've never felt like this before." Yuki said breathily, eyes shining brightly as no trace of red remained. "This,.. this must be what genuinely caring about someone feels like!"
"Yes, Yuki," Youta intoned sagely. "You've accepted your dark side, a fear of genuine human contact and jealousy of other people's emotions."
"Oh, Youta!" Yuki sighed, voice shifting from androgynous to decidedly feminine and high-pitched. "With you to lead me, I know I can solve the mysteries of love!"
Souji wasn't completely sure, but he would have sworn he saw Rise's character Reiko, who was supposed to still be unconscious, making silent gagging motions in the background.
--
Youta, as he explained to his newly-expanded harem, had been hidden the entire time watching Yuki, waiting for Usagi and the others to come so he would actually have a path out of the Mirror World.
Souji had been prepared to berate Yosuke about the plot holes and logical fallacies involved in the entire scenario, but had settled for another round of muttering and throwing his hands up in disgust.
"I... I can't remember why I started throwing people into the mirror. Or rather, how I figured out that I could throw people into the mirror." Yuki said to the gathered Search Squad, listening attentively as they sat at the food court. "Or why I started wearing that ridiculous cap and black eye mask."
"That's not very reassuring," Akira gulped as he covered his face.
"But we've solved the case now!" Muneko said with a giggle. "Kami-Maebara's back to normal!"
"That's right! Everything's fabulous again!" Kenji said with a melodramatic wave of his hand.
"What a relief. Everything's back to normal." Reiko ground out, looking anything but genuine in that belief.
"That was the best I could stomach in 30 takes." Rise explained to her friends. "I finally convinced the director Reiko was 'still furious at Yuki' because of being thrown into the Mirror World before."
"Yay! I'm so hop-py to be here with everyone! And just in time to enjoy the Culture Festival at Kami-Maebara High School!" Usagi said as she clung to Youta's arm.
"That's right! What a great way to celebrate my success!" Youta added as he pumped his fist into the air, resulting in sighs of admiration from the rest of the Rescue Squad as the scene faded out.
--
"Uhh, how many people's deaths has Yuki been responsible for again?" Kanji asked.
"At least three." Naoto contributed.
"Isn't someone going to, I don't know, bring that up?" Yukiko added irritatedly.
"Maybe murder's not a crime when you're a detective?" Teddie ventured.
"Didn't work for Adachi," Souji said simply.
"This one's all yours to explain away, Yosuke." Chie added with a smirk as he sighed and shook his head with a groan before collapsing further into his seat.
--
"Wow, you weren't kidding." Yukiko whispered to Rise as she sat, wide-eyed, continuing to watch the painfully-long Students' Culture Festival.
Having sat through Shou Sanjo's misplaced kimono-clad jazz dance number in "Tristan and Isolde and Atsumori" ("How did you manage to totally bastardize two - no, three - unrelated performative traditions in less than a minute?! And why do you hate Kou so much?!" Souji had asked exasperatedly), the team was now watching the "Maid Cafe" that Youta's class was running.
The groans from the team, minus Yosuke, were unanimous.
Practically the entire school seemed to be crammed into their classroom, with faces shoved against the glass in the hallways as a sea of humanity teemed outside waiting for their turn to go inside. Members of the local police department appeared to be manning the doorways.
Inside, Reiko, Muneko, Yuki, Akira, and Kenji all stood crammed into one corner in maid's outfits, completely ignored. A healthy crowd of boys surrounded Usagi, who - in bunny girl outfit and holding a feather duster - appeared to be dancing on top of a desk. The rest of the room's horde focused in an enormous circle around Youta, dressed in a tuxedo, who also stood on a desk. And, when he shifted his glance from one section of his rapt audience to the next, it prompted a parade of contented sighs, ecstatic fangirl screams, disturbing moans, and a wave of fainting students.
"I can't believe this!" Reiko said, voice totally on-target and passionate.
Souji looked toward Rise as they exchanged a small smirk.
"I know!" Kenji continued onscreen. "Those delicious boys don't know the sublime 'pleasures' they're missing by not having us 'serve' them. Oohhhhh!"
Kanji reached around Chie to smack Yosuke's head as another disturbingly long and drawn-out groan accompanied the end of Kenji's line.
"I can't believe I had to shave my legs for this." Akira wailed. "At least Youta could have noticed!"
"I feel something." Yuki began, as the other maids turned to look at her curiously. "Regret? Embarrassment? Shame? Anger?"
"That'd be a good start." Yukiko muttered.
Pausing, Yuki turned to look at Youta, eyes softening and widening as her voice went an octave higher. "No, it must be - could it be? - love!"
A chorus of "aawww!!!" broke out from the others in response.
"This is the best Maid Cafe ever!" Muneko burst out, bouncing up and down as the camera, predictably, zoomed in on her.
Naoto sighed. She had already resigned herself to another hour of Yosuke-written cinematic terrorism.
--
"Welcome to this year's 'Little Miss Maebara' pageant!" An annoying voice boomed. "As you know, this year's winner will receive the most coveted thing in Kami-Maebara - a facebattle from our own resident renaissance romeo, Youta Kikuchi!"
A deafening mix of screams, cheers, and hoots, went on for a good twenty seconds before dying down.
"This year, our field has been limited to 13 contestants - for good luck!"
Souji groaned.
"Well, it's time to see what brave soul who's become a prissy little miss will win that facebattle!"
--
Everyone was glaring at Yosuke by the time all thirteen contestants had been introduced. They included Akira, Muneko, Reiko, Kenji, Naomi, Usagi, Yuki, Shou, Daiki, Mayame Katsunaga (a member of the school's karaoke club), Running Boy, Miss Matsuura, and Sugiko Koizumi (Hanako's thinly-veiled film counterpart).
"Know that we know who our thirteen ravishing beauties are, it's time for the swimsuit competition!" The announcer continued.
"Oh God." Souji choked out as his face drained of color.
--
After the parade of bathing beauties - which had included several "wardrobe malfunctions" from Muneko, Usagi, and Kenji - it was announced that the votes of their judging panel had been tallied and the winner would be announced.
"And the winner is~"
The announcer rolled his "s" out as a drum roll continued.
Suddenly, the screen went black, followed by panicked screams. Which were quickly followed by ominous music and an all-too familiar maniacal cackle.
"How nice to "see" such a big turnout ! Ku-ku-ku-ku!"
Everyone minus Yosuke began to laugh in fits as Investigator Kojima had returned to make clear to the audience that, no, the "mystery" was still unresolved.
--
More screams, coupled with "get your hands off me!", were heard before the lights went back on. Sugiko, Running Boy, and Mayame had all vanished from the stage, and an ominously large body-length mirror had appeared on the right hand side of the stage. Next to a familiar black cape, black cap, black eye mask-wearing figure twirling his mustache and cackling.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku. You nosy kids had plenty of warning to stop interfering in my plans. It's time I 'break' it to you all what happens to troublemakers!"
And with that, Kojima suddenly pulled out a hammer and smashed the mirror to pieces as the contest audience gasped.
"No heroic rescues anymore! No one can stop me! Ku-ku-ku-ku!"
And with that, Kojima dropped his hammer and pulled a bottle of beer out of nowhere, running offstage while chugging away, pausing once to cackle again and twirl his mustache with his free hand as melodramatic fanfare swelled.
"What a terrible mis-hop, and right before the results!" Usagi said, voice full of horror.
"Who was that person!?" Akira squealed, as Usagi moved in for the now-prerequisite slap.
"I sensed a... great evil within him, or her." Naomi offered, nodding sagely.
"If only he - or she - hadn't been wearing that eye mask to completely mask his or her identity," Yuki chimed in, voice grave. "My powers of deduction are at a total loss. We are clearly dealing with a criminal genius."
Naoto gave an exasperated scream as Kanji rubbed her shoulder consolingly. "Ugh!! 'He' dropped a hammer with 'his' fingerprints all over it, you idiots!"
"I guess we'll never know who the killer is now." Reiko added, back in full snarky mode.
"We can't give up!" Youta shouted, full of bravado. "All of Maebara - no, the world - is counting on us! We're the only ones who can solve this mystery!"
An enormous wave of applause, from both the Search Squad and the contest audience, filled the air as Youta struck a heroic pose and the the screen faded out.
--
"There's only one logical course of action to take now, based on what we do and do not know." Yuki began as she paced before the rest of the squad, donning her deerstalker cap and blowing again on her bubble pipe. The dowdy trench coat had been replaced by a short, tight leather skirt and matching halter top, accentuating the actress playing Yuki's very ample chest.
The rest of the squad stared at her intently, dramatic music coming to a crescendo.
Naoto took the opportunity to tighten her death-grip on her armrests, steeling herself for the idiocy she was confident was about to be delivered.
"The murderer's modus operandus is tied to mirrors. Since I have been unable to ascertain his - or her - identity in any way or fashion, there is only one reasonable response now."
The camera went in for an extremely close shot of "Doctor Kurogane" as her eyes narrowed intently.
"We have to destroy every mirror in Kami-Maebara, and spread the word across the nation and the world. Eliminate all reflective surfaces that exist, and outlaw their subsequent creation."
The Search Squad let out a collective gasp - whereas the Investigation Team let out a barrage of laughs.
"What about pools of water, or television screens, or tin foil, or - !?" Akira's panicked question was cut off as Yuki grabbed him by the shoulders, stared at him harshly, and then slapped him hard across the face.
"Are you willing to risk the lives of countless innocent millions - no, billions - just because it might inconvenience you?! We've got to treat this crisis with the utmost seriousness!"
Yukiko fell out of her seat, doubled over in an uncontrollable fit.
"Wait everyone." Youta began, standing up and looking resolutely into the distance. "We have one other option."
--
"We do?!" Muneko squealed, shocked yet excited.
"We set a trap for the killer to lure him or her to us, and lay in wait."
"That's brilliant!" Yuki said, bubble pipe falling to the ground as her mouth and eyes widened simultaneously, staring at Youta with unabashed worship.
"But wait!" Reiko began, in suspiciously monotone fashion. "What - or who - could we use to bring the killer out of hiding?"
"Me." Youta said as his expression hardened, tragic score booming amidst the gasps of the Search Squad members coupled with Akira's piercing " Noooooo!!!!!"
"It's risky, but it's our only chance to solve the case. And if I have to sacrifice myself to save Maebara - nay, all of humanity - from living in fear of the Mirror World, then I will gladly meet my destiny so that the future may survive."
--
"Really. I mean - really!"
Souji took advantage of the two-minute montage of Youta-flashbacks, set to appropriately dramatic music, to rip into Yosuke yet again.
"Why Youta?! Wouldn't he HAVE to know it was Kojima, based on all the earlier scenes, to think that he in particular would be the one person in particular who could lure out the killer?"
Yosuke just stared at Souji blankly.
"Uggghhhh! You didn't even keep track of the dialogue or 'clues' as you wrote this, did you?! I can't believe anyone greenlighted this, let alone even gave it a read-through to begin with! And I can't believe I've wasted brain cells on trying to chart the logical flow of this abomination!"
Souji was about to expand his rant when Teddie interrupted excitedly.
"Quiet Sensei! The action's starting again!" He said giddily.
Sure enough, the scene had shifted to Youta standing in front of an over-sized full-length mirror in the middle of the hillside Kami-Maebara park. He stood there, eyes closed, humming to himself as a black-caped figure darted from tree to tree in the background, pausing once to cackle quietly and twirl mustache sinisterly.
"Apparently there are some very hirsute women in Kami-Maebara," Naoto observed with a hiss. "Otherwise you'd think someone would have noticed the killer was at least male!"
Teddie shushed Naoto before turning back to the screen.
"The killer approached Youta from behind, cackling all the while, when - suddenly! - he turned and leapt backwards, grabbing at Kojima's eye mask while shining a flashlight in his face.
"Gyaahhh! You little brat!"
The rest of the Rescue Squad came jogging up. Startled gasps followed stunned stares.
"Uncle! No!!!"
"Is this really hop-penning? Have we caught the killer at last?"
"Investigator Kojima, a criminal?! How could anyone have ever guessed?" Yuki stuttered, looking deeply troubled before turning to gaze lovingly at Youta.
"This is totally unexpected!" Reiko threw in, smiling inappropriately.
Kojima drew himself to his full height, twirling his mustache menacingly.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku. So, you meddlesome teens finally figured it out, did you? It was the perfect crime - no leads, no suspects, mass panic. And I even had an unwitting accomplice - " he paused to point at Yuki " - to do my dirty work for me. And if anyone got close to figuring anything out, I could bring her in and be lauded as a hero."
Yuki gasped. "But - but how did you control me and make me do such awful things!?"
Kojima gave a sneer. "Out of your league, 'Doctor" Kurogane? Ku-ku-ku-ku. It was simple! So very simple, all it took was a child's toy."
And with that, he pulled out a pinwheel, colors an alternating - and pulsating - mix of red and black. He began to spin it slowly, blowing on it to speed it up, while Yuki shrieked in terror and turned away.
Yukiko began to laugh hysterically.
"No! Not again! Please stop! Don't steal my mind again!" Yuki sobbed, trembling.
Yukiko was now joined by Kanji and Naoto, while Teddie continued to watch the screen in rapt fascination.
Youta darted forward to grab the pinwheel out of Kojima's grasp and dropped it to the ground, stomping on it. Kojima sneered while twirling his mustache yet again.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku. Well played, Kikuchi. But if you want to see justice served, you'll have to follow me into... my Mirror World!"
The cackling gave way to echoing laughter as Kojima hurled himself into the mirror.
--
With the magic of billions more yen of CG effects the fifteen minutes of running, jumping, and carefully crossing narrow suspension bridges over swirling vortexes in Kojima's Mirror World had been a pretty, if vacuous, stretch of the movie.
Occasionally the Search Squad paused to rest, only to hear the echoing cackles of Kojima.
"M-m-maybe we should turn back...." Akira began, gulping as he saw Usagi stride toward him purposefully.
"No." Youta said resolutely. "This ends here! I don't know how, but we'll defeat your uncle and restore peace to the world!"
"Couldn't they have just broken the mirror Kojima jumped into and called it a day?" Naoto asked.
Yosuke shook his head, choosing this of all possible moments to explain his creative process.
"But then they wouldn't know the truth - just like when you guys wanted to throw Namatame into the TV, but Souji and I wanted to know what actually happened!" He crossed his arms and closed his eyes, smirking with satisfaction.
Naoto looked at Yosuke wide-eyed, mouth moving wordlessly before she finally seemed to regain control.
"I, I - I'm going to make sure you never live to see this film premier!"
Naoto began furiously struggling against Kanji, who was restraining her with all his strength to stop her from leaping up and strangling Yosuke.
"Shh!!!" Teddie glared at them, annoyed at the interruption. "They finally made it to Kojima!"
Kojima stood at the top of a black dais, behind him an enormous, rippling black mirror. Clad in his obligatory black cape, cap, and eye mask.
"Welcome - to your doom! Ku-ku-ku-ku!" Kojima cackled and, suddenly, pulled out another pinwheel, this one a mix of black and green pulsating as he began to spin it quickly.
"Ahhhh! I, I... I can't move!" Akira wailed.
"Neither can I!" Muneko cried.
"How... how can this be?!" Yuki wailed. "This defies all known laws of physics!"
"Unlike entering a pocket universe inside a mirror, which is commonplace." Chie commented dryly.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku! You little sluts and nancy boys - and Youta - should have known better than to think you could oppose me! The bargain I struck with Yami-no-Kagami-no-Ohkami gave me mastery of the Mirror World!"
"Uncle! How could you?!" Akira cried dramatically.
"How could you?!" Reiko echoed, voice somewhere between shocked and inquiring.
"Since none of you will ever leave here alive, I'll tell you."
Kojima pulled out a hip flask, took a swig, and continued.
"None of you know what it's like, being stuck with your daughter and no wife to keep the whiny brat between you and your true love - liquor!" He spat. "Oh, the daycare the prefecture provided was great, but only lasted until she was five! Then I was stuck with her day in, day out... 'I need new clothes!' 'sign this school form!' 'I'm out of pudding again!' - the neediest seven-year-old you've ever seen!" He gestured violently, alcohol splashing from his still-open flask.
"I can't figure out whether you hate my uncle or my cousin more." Souji ground out as he smacked Yosuke hard in the arm.
"And then my worthless nephew arrived, even needier and whinier than my daughter! It was more than I could bear. But then I opened my heart to yami-no-kagami-no-ohkami! I pledged to send her sacrifices each cycle of the moon, and in exchange I realized my deepest dream."
"To terrorize the innocent? Cause mass panic? Tear lives apart?" Yuki listed accusatorily in a flat monotone.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku! No - I got the perfect criminal case to take up all my time, terrifying and random enough that no one would ever just 'write it off'! And because I was criminal mastermind and investigator all rolled into one, I had total control! As much overtime as I wanted, an unchallenged, bottomless expense account for my beloved liquor, and - best of all! - freedom from my bratty dependents!"
Kojima took another swig from the flask, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and narrowing his eyes as he continued.
"But then YOU" - he pointed at Youta - "had to come and screw it all up by 'saving people'! Now that you know the truth, it's time to sacrifice you all and fulfill my promise to Yami-no-Kagami-no-Ohkami!"
And with that Kojima turned to the giant black mirror behind him, swirling in tandem with the pinwheel in the Investigator's hand.
--
"I - I can move again!" Usagi said, shaking her hips - and chest - to demonstrate that fact.
"So can I!" Kenji lisped, moving his wrist back and forth.
"That bastard! Do your best everyone!" Naomi said determinedly. "I'll be cheering you on over here from safety!" She began to edge away from the dais.
"Ku-ku-ku-ku!" Kojima turned around, twirling his mustache. "I wasn't expecting a challenge, but it seems a little demonstration of my dark powers are needed!"
With that, he pulled out an all-black pinwheel and spun it rapidly as black tendrils shot out of the giant black mirror straight towards Youta.
"No!" Akira shouted, shoving Youta out of the way as the tendrils grabbed him and quickly pulled him into the mirror's swirling vortex. "I love you partner!"
Yosuke turned to Souji quickly with a small smile, only to see Souji grimacing stonily at the movie screen.
Kojima cackled, spinning the pinwheel again as another set of tendrils shot out at Youta again.
"No way!" Muneko screamed, flying through the air to kick Youta away. "It's my turn to save you!"
Kojima cackled even louder, continuing to spin the pinwheel. The process of summoning tendrils aimed at Youta, followed by one of the other Search Squad members forcing him to the side and being grabbed in his place, continued until only Youta and Kojima remained.
"No one can help you now, Youta! Ku-ku-ku-ku!"
"Well, I guess I'll just have to help myself then!" Youta said with a grin.
And with that, he pulled out the same flashlight he had used in the park to blind Kojima again.
"Agghh! You little -"
Kojima didn't get to finish, as Youta charged into the Investigator, knocking him into the swirling black mirror behind him.
As Kojima disappeared into the mirror it began to move back and forth, the entire dais they had been on shaking violently. Youta's fellow Search Squad members flew out of the mirror quickly, set down gently by the same black tendrils that had dragged them in.
"Nooooo!!!! This can't be happening! My plan was perfect! PERFECT! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!"
Kojima's disembodied voice echoed loudly throughout the Mirror World, stopping only as the vortex in the black mirror came to a halt. The black mirror began to crumble to pieces as the entire Mirror World began to rumble.
"We've got to get out of here!" Usagi shouted. "Since Kojima has passed beyond our world, his Mirror World is disintegrating as we speak! Follow me to the exit!"
--
A new scene opened as the Search Squad gathered at the train station to see Akira off. Or, more accurately, rubbing against Youta as much as possible and fawning over his every comment while he saw Akira off.
"Goodbye Akira-kun!I'll miss you too!" Muneko said absently.
"Please don't make me go!!!" He wailed. "Everyone in my family has always said my uncle Soutaro was the 'crazy one' compared to his twin brother!"
Souji groaned. "Worst open-ended setup for a sequel ever, Yosuke."
A hand tugged on Akira's arm, who bent down slightly, only to slap him hard across the face. The camera scrolled downward to show that hand belonged to a smiling Koko, waving happily at Youta.
"Bye Uncie Youta! I'll take care of Akira-kun for you." Her eyes narrowed as she glanced at her cousin. "Good care of him."
The camera returned to show Youta and his harem waving Akira off as the train left the station.
"So Youta-kun," Reiko giggled, "you never did tell us who you wanted to win that Little Miss Maebara facebattle."
"Ha ha ha!" Youta laughed heartily. "I guess that's one mystery that won't be solved - until next year's contest!"
All the girls - and Kenji - laughed heartily as the camera zoomed out and away, a setting sun framing the sky as J-Pop began to play and the credits began to roll.
"Don't even think about suggesting we take a bathroom break, Senpai." Rise said flatly to Yosuke, who gulped.
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