AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I'm writing this journal well...I dunno, maybe if I knock a girl up and leave this to the kid he'll know how awesome I am.

So, woke up in a doctors house after being shot in the head. And you bastards all say you feel aches in the morning.

Used some cosmic mirror to decide what to look like, ok.
Then went to some machine that told me I have good muscles, good endurance, fairly smart and lucky...but I can't see, taste or feel worth a god dayum. Maybe I was shot somewhere weird in the head...

The second the doctor let me go (I think he wanted an ASSistant..) I immediately went to the store and sold everything I owned (save for a knife). Bought a shovel and some snacks and went on my way.

Seeing as how I more than likely failed my job as a courier I decided to leave town and go find my boss (not before stealing all the water and chips I could find hehehe).

Things were off to a good start, good rusty kitchen knife in my hand, my trusty canteen I sip on like clockwork (seriously what the hell is in it, it's fucking addicting) and lots of cakes and gum.

Then some sick bastard threw a stick of dynamite at me and nearly blew my legs off, cut his head off the jerk. Took the dynamite (you can't steal from a dead person) and continued before finding three more of the daisies gang hoodrats. I sure gave them a piece of my mi-knife. Also took a helmet one of them had, it has goggles...I like goggles.

Finally got to Primm, and a good NCR soldier kindly told me to get the fuck out this place is fucked. I assured him "Good sir, I have a knife and I'm already level..I mean I'm very experienced. Went into one of their tents and stole some of their armor. HAHA! Now I'm dressed as one of them, they're none the wiser. So after defusing some mines on a rickety booty bridge..thing I was on the other side of town, where more gang members were.

Slit more throats yadda yadda, but one of them had a tire iron...and I don't know what it was but when I held it... I felt right. I felt complete. And it broke in their skulls with just 2 swigs, I was giddy. AND it was in good condition since I took other tire irons and just kinda...smacked them together to make a better one...yeah

So I go into their base looking for some more food to steal, find their leader. A motherfucker with a fire launcher and he looks angry. I smash his skull in, and suddenly all his goonies barge in. I immediately pick up the Incinerator and start launching a holy barrage of justice onto them, it was fucking awesome. Ran out of ammo though..one guy was pleading for his life but I smashed him anyway...don't judge me he had caps.

After raiding the fridge I find a guy tied in the corner, I release him and he tells me about how the town needs a new sheriff. Figure I gotta help, practically killed half their population (just the mean ones though). So I go to some...prison or something and the door needs a key, but there's a guy outside the door.

...

SO I get the key from his corpse and proceed to kill everyone in the room that looks red to me.

Once I liberate their bodies of cheddar and crackers I talk to some guy who was running around the room who kinda looks like Chuck Norris if he were 70 and lived in a western.

Convince him to be the new sheriff, then walked back to the gang base and about to sleep on an old rotted mattress.

Awesome.

I like where this is going.

Today went off to a good start, chugging some dirty water and shoving some cake into my face I went to talk to the new town sheriff, or he would be but first I had to go to some NCR station and pardon his crimes.

This camera that follows me everywhere must tell people to make me fix their goddam problems.

So I set out after selling all my dynamite with my trusty tire iron of truth.

Along the road I meet some...gang members, christ where do they keep finding people with warhawks?

After some skull crushing I find a lead pipe on one of them...it was...rusty and heavy but god damnit it felt nice.

I want a divorce tire iron, you just don't do it for me anymore.

And I took a metal helmet, hell yeah I look like I'm from Halo Reach, game is sooo retro.

Found some abandoned store that still had plenty of vodka and cheddar in it (darnit, the gang members took all the fruit) then was ambushed by a bunch of radiated scorpions. The honeymoon was over as I pulled out my new very phallic looking pipe and beat the shit out of the scorpions using a tactic I call "circle fury".

One of the bastards crippled my head so everything got blurry...takes me back to my Beatles phase.

I use my Doctors Bag and it barely made me able to see straight but oh well.

I finally made it to the NCR place with two giant metal statues of some dudes having a thumb war, sold all the scorpion glands (they smell like a dead bear booty) and went on the roof to talk to a snazzy sniper chick.

She called herself ghost (might cheat on my pipe with her) and she kindly asked me to check out this town called Nipton and see what the hell's goin on.Well ok sweet thang, but make sure our spurs go jingle jangle when I get back.

Walk over there and some guy comes yellin in my grill that he won the lottery...so I check his corpse and he didn't have crap on him, the lying jerk.

Half the town is on fire and I see people crucified everywhere and it was then I realized there's something fishy going on.

On the main street I just see a bunch of people and dogs (oh god the war hounds) charging me.

Oh wait...I'm still dressed as an NCR member, crap.

Implementing my circle fury move I dispatch them all, but not before some jerk in the background crippled my face again.

Christ where am I...

I stole their machetes (I think I'm a mormon now..) and then teleported back to Doc church for some cheap healing.

Found him laying on the bed I was in a coma in...god he must miss me. Then ditched that faggot right quick and decided to drink the vodka I found earlier..drinkin the pain away.

Found an old mattress in an abandoned trailer, goodnight Mojave...I hope I die in my sleep.

This story is best. It actually wants me to play New Vegas again.

ONLY SPAMMERS POST HERE
D=

I'll do more later, hopefully I didn't erase the file.

continue this for it is hilarious

Accidentally erased the file.
Had to play up to the same point and get all the items.
I apologize.
Have played some, but not enough for a full journal.
I shan't give you anything less than the best.