AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen (and do use those terms loosely) to a "Let's Play" of Medieval 2: Total War. Developed by the historically inaccurate Creative Studios and SEGA Entertainment, this game promises the gruelling and painful struggled conquest of the "Known World". Factions include, but are not limited to: England, France, The Holy Roman Empire, Spain, Venice and Scotland respectively.

England in the Red Corner
But to start things off, I'm going to need to make this "Let's Play" and actual Let's Play; that means input from you guys.
Which bloodthirsty faction are we going to pick for Total War?

Scotland. Gotta say I love the idea of re-enacting braveheart. Sure, the illusion is a bit broken when I outnumber my enemy 12-1, but oh well.

Rome
WE LOST OUR EMPIRE
NOW LETS TAKE IT BACK

closest thing to Rome is Venice. I assume you mean that?

YES TOTALLY
I TOTALLY MEANT THAT HAHA

Did I hear something about rape. NOT ENOUGH VIKINGS.

Alright, Venice because coinflip. (Tails was Scotland, in case anyone was interested.)
At the start of the game, Venice has 2 cities and a castle to call home



Additionally, this information can be accessed from clicking the Faction Overview panel, clicking Rosters, then clicking Settlements.

Here's a close up.

Now that that's settled, I can talk about our troops.
In Iraklion and Ragusa, a garrison of 150 spear militia and 60 peasant archers consists in each, establishing public order and defence from potential enemies. In Venice, however, a large garrison of 120 peasant archers and a 300 spear militia. What's special about the spear militia is that Venice can support (depending on its size) a few 'blocks' of militia free of upkeep cost.
Now, here's where the fun starts.

Our Councillor, or rather, our heir to the throne (as Venice lacks the monarchy of most other European Countries.) is assembled just outside the rebel Village of Zagreb. Such territory would be a fine prize to the Venetians.
The enemy has an undisciplined force of presumed peasants, from what we can expect of a rebel village as well as the information provided to us by the only slot we can determine. No other information is available, however, since our Spy was caught, tortured and murdered.
Our own force consists of the Councillors Bodyguard, two spear militia units and a unit of peasant bowmen.
What do?

Go to Zagreb and fuck their shit up

Watch out for Milan, they're dirty bastards/

I played Venice and moved east, ended up taking Constantinople pretty easily.

wolololooo

To battle it is then, sire.

In this screen, we can press 3 buttons. The button on the far right is used to break off sieges, just in case some huge army is barrelling down your way. The button in the middle is the assault button, which everyone needs to press once in a while. The button on the far right is the maintain siege button, which starves out the blockaded defenders. This is very handy for reducing the enemy combatants numbers or forcing the enemy to attack you, abandoning their defensive position.

But screw that lets just kill those bloody bastards already.

Our general provides a rousing speech of how he doesn't needlessly throw lives away and that if all do their part victory will be theirs. He comes of all noble and chivalrous too when he talks about valour or something, I don't know.

We start the battle by doing the only thing we can do with militia, needlessly throw their lives away. Our archers are hiding behind a building, peppering the enemy's reserves while our mob of spears clash against the enemy like a tsunami on an ocean rock.

...providing the perfect distraction for our heavily armoured death machine of a councillor and his bodyguard. Of course, the AI in this game is severely lacking, and the cavalry charge forget to drop their lances on the first charge, effectively throwing yet more lives away, needlessly.
Well, unless you're a peasant with a bow.

Very quickly, the enemy forces melt from the combined spear mob and cavalry charge, although at heinous costs to our ranks numbers. I'll admit it now: I'm a terrible street fighter. Also, for some reason the enemy killed 70 of our dudes but we only lost 68. Fucking magic, man, how does it work?

Now that the settlement is firmly under our control we have the options of occupying it, which peacefully takes control of the settlement with no harm done.
Then we have the option of sacking the settlement, which involves looting and raping everything.
Finally, and most grisly, we have the option of exterminating the settlement, which is pretty much fucking killing everyone.
In my opinion it is better to exterminate, if you don't care about foreign relations.

Wipe them out. All of them.

They're rebels who the fuck cares about public image? If you exterminate the city, public opinion there will be excellent due to none of the original inhabitants being alive.
Wots dat sandvich? Kill them all? OK.

Exterminate the lot of them. Filthy Rebels.

I think it's pretty much settled now. Blood shall flow.