AWKWARD ZOMBIE

What's this then?

Could it be?

Yes!

It's....



.....this thing!

Welcome to The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, hosted by me, the lovely....



Uhh.....that would be pronounced as "Ree-no", not "Ry-no"

Geez

Anyways, this will be a completely normal and not at all strange in any way playthrough.



Let's jump right in, shall we?



Also I can't read Japanese, just fyi

I know my name though!



I somehow feel compelled to rescue a kidnapped princess.

Maybe it's intuition?

Maybe it's Maybelline?

Who knows.



OK bye uncle I'll meet you there I guess



Well my young sprightly demeanor demands pot breaking and-OH GOD TINY CREATURES INSIDE GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

OK time to call the exterminator again

But adventuring comes first!

And I couldn't go on a proper adventure without my trusty lam-



....mirror.

Oh....oh dear.....

Part One: RINO and the Magic Mirror

Yes, all the items in this, ahem, "version" of ALttP are randomized. Any treasure chest can hold anything. Thankfully the creators were gracious and careful enough to make it so that you can't get stuck and be unable to move on, so I'm told.

So now I have a mirror! Yay!

One final note: The text is in Japanese intentionally in order to speed up the text crawl, according to the creator's website. It won't be a hindrance probably. I hope. I don't seem to recall any puzzles in this game involving reading.

OK princess time



Good lord it is raining cats and dogs out here. I can hardly see a thing.

Luckily I have a GODDAMN MIRROR to help me with that.



Afternoon gentlemen.

Mind if I just

uhh

You know what maybe I'll just go the other way then



A large pile of rocks draws my attention

Unfortunately I am not footloose enough to deal with this issue yet

Because unfortunately it is still Sunday, and these shoes must remain un-kicked off my feet



I am almost certain that this sign is telling me that 7 lucky winners can get a 100 rupee prize for rescuing the princess.

That is bodaciously 100 more rupees than I currently own!



Excuse me sir do you have any kidnapped princesses here?

No?

Oh....OK.

I'll just head back the other way then



Wait a minute, that guy was lying his booty off!

Nobody has a suspicious hole in their garden like this that isn't hiding a princess!

Down we go!



OW I LANDED SQUARE ON MY FEET

Oh hi Uncle!

You're looking....in slightly less than great shape.



Aww.....I love you too, B.



Hey, you gonna be OK?

What's this you're giving me?



Oh HELL yeah!

Time to get to stabbing!

Thanks, Uncle!

....Uncle?

.....Shit.



I will find the man or beast who did this to you and sparkle at him until he relents.

You have my word.



And the first chest in the catacombs grants me......a rupee.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee



EXCUSE ME SIR DO YOU NEED YOUR HEDGES TRIMMED

AND I DON'T MEAN THE ONES IN YOUR GARDEN



Well now that the guard saw my horrific display of early 90s non-bloody violence, I am free to storm the castle!

The most obvious place to look for princesses



Very chic

I'm getting some redecorating ideas for my own place

Note to self: Giant pots are a must buy

Also some people died. You didn't need to see that.



Oh excuse me am I interrupting something?



Mind if I CUT through?



Just you and me now blue boy

But soon it'll be just me



Second story, same blue boys

He dies just the same

That's actually almost a good haiku



I checked outside but there's nothing but wet



I did find a spoopy door though, but it was guarded by a zappy fence, so I decided to head back inside



God, I am NEVER going to find the princess at this rate.

I wish there was some kind of convenient marker for where I could begin to look for the princess.



That'll work.



More blue boys wanna tango

I'll show you how to CUT a rug!



Blue Boy #5 or 6 or whatever dropped a key and then the chest gave me another.

....I haven't even found a lock yet.



I've had about enough of your sass, Blue Boys.

DOWN



YOU



GO



Except for you, darling.

I think you're SMASHING



I smell princesses close by.

.....Don't read too much into that.



But first, a chest and another Blue Boy!



BB(short for Blue Boy....or Big Booty, your choice) dropped another key, while this chest gave me the power of splosions.

Most excellent!



Hello?

Have I reached the princess portion of my guided sex dungeon tour?



I see a heavily armed stranger and a fancily dressed maiden.

One of them must be a princess, I'm sure of it.



I'm going to kill the deadly one and hope it's not the princess.



You seem to have me cornered, but you forget that I have the power of clay ceramics on my side.



Well then.

This will come in handy later, I suppose.

And now for the real prize

WHAT DOES SHE WIN, BOB?



.....That is not the amount that sign promised.

That is exactly 10x less than the amount that sign promised.



SHE KNOWS MY NAME

Or made a very good guess!

Either way, this is a magical encounter for sure.

Let's get out of this spook house.



Uhh



I HOPE THIS IS A YES OR NO QUESTION AND I HOPE I PICKED YES



OK one more for good measure



UHH YES MA'AM SURE WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID



PARDON ME MADAM BUT YOU ARE QUITE A USEFUL HUMAN SHIELD



Mind you don't have your golden locks cleaved from your head



Ahh, I see your game. Two thrones, perhaps for a royal couple?

Do you smell a courtship blooming?

That's my favorite kind of ship



Oh god dammit.



(One of the changes made is that your lamp isn't required to get through this part)

Eeeuuugh, rats everywhere.

And not even the fun pet store kind.



OH GOD AND ALSO SNAKES



WAAAAAAAAAY TOO MANY SNAKES



Oh good, I have no fucking idea which dungeon this goes to.



My liege seems distressed. Or pleased.

It's honestly kind of hard to tell.



UMM

WHOOPS

APPARENTLY MY MAGIC MIRROR HAS TELEPORTING POWERS

BACK THROUGH THE SEWERS WE GO



While going through all that nonsense again, I remembered that I have bombs and decided to try testing the walls to see if they break



Turns out the ones I was thinking of were a little further ahead

Derp



JACKPOT



Yes



HELL YES

(The Titan's Mitt)



HELL FUCKING YES

(The Moon Pearl! Now I can go right to the Dark World dungeons and immediately die!)



Stand back, princess. This puzzle seems tricky.



Well this is getting a bit cozier.



I am 99.99999% positive she just told me to pull the left lever.



Princess whyyyyyyyyy



OK, that turned into a bit of a fiasco, but we made it.

Let's see where this leads.



God dammit.

It was all a ploy to get me to go to church.



AND THEN THEY TALKED FOR A LONG TIME

I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING

All right, we've got one chest left before we ends things for today.



Welp, looks like they want me to drink the Kool-Aid. (Magic Potion)

See you guys later!

These gave me the giggles haha