AWKWARD ZOMBIE

He already used it on Raichu, remember? Volkner always heals his second-to-last Pokemon.

Volkner, ur soo smrt

No update today, my computer gots borked! Don't ask how, I don't know either.

Aww, that sucks...

Wait...I coulda sworn that Volkner was supposed to have an Ambipom in his team...Or maybe it was a different Gym Leader...

Computers are assholes

Ah well, sightseeing time is over! WE HAVE WORK TO DO AND PE-
Wait, come to think of it, that girl looks awfully familiar.


OH YES! It's Jasmine, the Steel-type trainer from Jhoto.


....who I haven't actually met yet. Hello there, anonymous person!



Back at Ye Olde PC, it's Lickitung's time to shine! Again.

Yeah, alright, he's never gonna actually get anywhere. He just makes for good cannon fodder and HM slaving.


Ahh, good ol' route 222.

I'd make a comment about how congested traffic must be when there's only one route into a city, but then again, THERE'S NO VEHICLES!

Except for boats. Despite that there's no boats that'll travel between cities. And yet, there's a huge abundance of sailors!


Speak of the dev-
Wait, your pedophilic singing sounds awfully familar. Didn't I fight you already?


Yeah, geez, I beat you two already! In one move! Why are you fighting me again?


Except this time, they actually manage to get a decent hit in.

If I was expecting a surprise double battle, I wouldn't have put Lickitung as my double partner. How he even managed to survive is beyond me.


Yyyyup, I thought so. I completely forgot to actually save the game after level-grinding. I... am honestly ashamed that I didn't notice it earlier.



I skipped a little ahead. Frankly, I didn't mean to fight all the trainers on the route again, I'm just really bad at getting past undetected. Geez, if I knew that was gonna happen some point in life, I would've played more Metal Gear Solid!


Yeah, you might notice what I'm doing now. I'm going hunting for legendaries! Crikey!

Starting with a missed Giratina oppertunity. He re-appears at Turnback Cave if you didn't already catch him.

(Yes, I will be breaking the fourth wall and using a guide on this hunt. A lot!)


OH COME THE FLIP ON! WHY? WHY MUST YOU FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE I GO?!



Yeah... y'know what? He's right in that cave. He's right in that fucking cave that you won't let me fucking through to catch that fucking Pokemon you MOTHER-FUCKER!


Seriously, FUCK YOU, BITCH!



Urgh, I hate NPCs that just will NOT let you pass, ever! And yet, I can never seem to be able to push them over! They must have freaking thighs made of steel or something!


Ahh, free healing!
Oh yeah, the reason that I'm healing is, though I didn't show it, I got jumped by wild Pokemon after every flipping three steps or so! I mean, I'd just turn to the right a little to face the cliff and there's a freaking Bibarel there staring at me!



Legendary Pokemon #2. Or #1, if you're counting it by lakes.


Wow, this lake filled up with water fast! I mean, it was completely dry last time I was here!

I wonder what happened to those Magikarps...


Note to self: in this game, what they call caves is what we call tunnels. What they call caverns are what we call caves.

Pokemon: making life needlessly complicated since 1996.


Oh hey, there's an actual Pokemon this time!

Not a very smart Pokemon, since, right after it got captured from here, it went straight back into this cave again!


Level 50? Even the nigh-on useless Emotion Pokemon is a higher level than an entire god!


Even Azelf, the legendary Pokemon of willpower, one who knows how to guide people through the horribly twisted Dimension World, still succumbs to the twistedness of Trick Room!


For a while, anyway.

Yeah, stuff happened and I didn't screenshot it. I honestly wasn't expecting him to become near-dead so quickly.


Ahhhh crap! It knows Nasty Plot.

Yeah, Nasty Plot? Doubles the damage done by its Special Attacks! In normal battles, it can give a huge advantage, but when the Pokemon you're trying to catch, and this Pokemon takes AGES to catch, has it? That means BAD STUFF IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU!


I like to make sure that it stands as little a chance as possible at fighting back and claiming its freedom when I throw this Pokeball!

Its like the Irish Revolution against the British. What could've been as successful as the Ameican Revolution was a massive flop, largely as a result of the British having imported lotsa beer into the country!


The nice thing about legendaries is that nearly all of them like to hang out in caves! So I get to keep using the ridiculously overpowered Dusk Ball!


I was wondering what was taking so long! It's a double-specialpowered Legendary Pokemon, after all!

Actually...

HAH! It was totally my plan all along to end up with the tank-against-special-moves Blissey fighting you!

Also, at this point? With 1hp, sleeping, and using a Dusk Ball? This is the very point where it becomes easiest to catch this Pokemon. Soo...


Let's count how many balls it takes to catch this blasted thing!


One!


T- oh. That... that was anti-climactic.

Wait, I mean WOOOOTINARY! I HAVE A LEGENDARY POKEMON FOR THE FIRST TIME! AGAIN!


Question: where did Azelf get the willpower to fly in the first place?


Truly, a great name for an even greater Pokemon! History books will be filled with how the great Useless Waste-O-Space gave us all the wonderful willpower we have today!


Hah, the cave is empty again! Looks like those cameramen will be waiting a looong time to catch this guy on film!


Actually, how did the cameramen have trouble filming it in the first place? I mean, it was just in the middle of the cave, in the middle of the lake, just hovering there. It didn't even TRY to escape from me!


Right then. Two more lakes to go. Next is... ugh, the ice lake.

I seriously hate those snow levels!


Oh. Wow. Thunder. Even though I already bought two of them!


AND ANOTHER FUCKING BIBAREL! GODDAMNIT, that itemball isn't even worth the selling price if it means more Bibarel!




Yeah, I'm back in Ye Olde Technologically-Advancede Citye!

I seriously need to stop doing that.


WINGULL! A new Pokemon used every day!


Yeah, reason I want Wingull is because, in one level, he evolves into Pelipper. Who learns both Fly and Surf, making it very useful for getting to these lake Pokemon.


I think some healing is in order before I take on the next Legendary Pokemon Of The Waste!

You Asshole! It took me over ten resets and over 30 dusk balls to catch that piece of fuck!

And you caught it with your third dusk ball! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK!

You cannot even imagine!

Haha! I laugh at your misfortune!

Actually, the odds of me managing to catch it in no more than three balls is... 1/4! Or about that.

And the odds of taking more than 30 balls to catch it is... 1/20! Presuming you did get it down to minimal health and put it to sleep, of course.

Well I was obviously exaggerating. But seriously, it took a lot of balls to catch that.

See: Wingull before evolution

Brr... y'know, its snow places like this that make me glad that I'm constantly wearing a scarf, regardless of actual weather.

Speaking of which, when was the last time I was able to change clothes? These things are starting to stink more than a Snover!




Oh, right, I forgot again. I still need Rock Climb to get up there.

It must be a very odd lake to be actually up on a hill!




I presume I don't still need to introduce Lickitung all the time.




Y'know, for such a weak Pokemon, Lickitung sure knows how to tear up a cliff edge!




I'M ON A BOAT!
Err...
LICKITUNG!


Y'know, its oly occured to me now; why does Lickitung have the sillouette of a fish?!

Actually, how can Lickitung even swim in the first place? It makes no sense, I tell ya!


Hm. Despite being in the snowy northland in a freezing lake, Psyduck are still retarded enough not to move to someplace warmer! Goddam!


This lake has an above-water cavern too?
$10 says that there's a-


Yeah. This game is sadly predictable.

Wait, aren't these Pokemon meant to be really really hard to actually find? Did nobody actually think to, y'know, look inside the cave?!


Same plan as before, methinks. Weaken it with Psychick's Psychic first and then-


Ah. Well so much for that plan. Methinks I should switch to my kitten-puncher!


HAH! You are not kitten, but you shall do instead!


Oh c'mon, it did that little?! Why couldn't this have gone as quickly as Azelf's did? I'll be here all flipping day!



Y'know, I'd be better off putting it to sleep now and then wailing on it!

Because, y'know, getting punched repeatedly in the face never seems to actually wake anyone up in this game.


I... honestly, Uxie didn't actually look like it had any ears to hear with. But okay!


GET READY FOR A SWIFT BEATING TO THE FACE, UXIE!


....or a not so swift beating. By the time I got him down to 1hp, he already woke up.
Back to Roosevelt, I suppose...


Oh great, now he's even using my own sleep moves against me! Unfair!


Nice thing about Yawn is that, although it has a 100% chance of putting the opponent to sleep, it still lets them (or, in this case, me) make one more attack first. I figure Roosevelt doesn't need to be awake when I catch this guy!


12 left. Let's see how many it takes to catch this one.


I doubt I'll be as lucky as I was last time...







It woke up. Goddam!


I had to switch Pokemon. The turns left for Sleep to wear off aren't subtracted if you spend the turn throwing a Pokeball. And if you remember, Roosevelt has Natural Cure, which removes all status effects on switch-out.


Oh yeah, level 21 Com-mon don't last too long against level 50 Legendaries!


Wash, rinse, and repeat!






FINALLY! Geez, I'd nearly swear that he didn't want to be caught and held in a PC!


From an evolutionary viewpoint, human beings became sapient after many many years of evolution. From a religious viewpoint, the gods created human beings with the sapience built in. From a Nintendo viewpoint, A FUCKING POKEMON DID IT!


I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'N'. And ending with 'aming Theme'.

You guessed it, its the Norwegian Gaming Theme!


This one took nine Pokeballs just to capture! At this rate, I'll have gone broke from buying these things!


Once again, I make sure that the Loch Ness Monster rip-offs never get to be actually seen by anyone again!
...the biologists paid me to do it.





Aaand now for my boring treck back to the town. Man, this better daisies well be the last time I have to deal with snow!


I AM A NINJA OF THE SNOW!

Saay... has anyone seen my face?





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Seriously, the repetition involved here is really peeving me off now!



Ahhh, I did not think that I'd ever be coming back to this bog-hole of a town.
And for good reason too! I'd be calling it utter shit, except that I really have seen feces that look more lively than this dump!


ROOM FULL OF FAGGOTS! How... why would anyone put an item there?! And yet, I MUST HAVE IT! I simply can't just go on without having got that item in the lake! But there's no fucking PC around anywhere! I mean GOD DAMNIT!




Right, lets try from here then!
Actually, I didn't think I'd have to come back here either. Natch.


See? NOW I have a Pokemon that can surf!


I should've evolved that Wingull, would've saved me a heck-load of trouble...

Name Mespirit Shithead.

If you can catch it

You never were very good at tact, were you?

Obviously not.

Name it, Lethargy.