AWKWARD ZOMBIE

This is the SECOND TO LAST GEONOSIS UPDATE.

The next episode still needs a few guest speakers, so sign up for the THRILLING CONCLUSION OF GEONOSIS.

In other news: An intermission. Should I do it, and what game should I do?
(Games are:
- Empire At War
- Jedi Knight II Jedi Outcast
- Battlefront
- Some other stupid game I have installed

And YES, I DID get the Best of PC package for Star Wars. Knights of the Old Republic isn't up because my graphics card is stupid.)



It appears this elevator leads to a black void of death.


Oh. Never mind.


There is still so much joy in doing this.


Oh crap that thing just fell from nowhere why does everything want me dead.


DECAPITATION.


These things just keep passing overhead.

I keep thinking they're going to try and crush me like everything else here.


Oh, hm, a 3-way hallway.

NEVER SEE THESE MUCH ANYMORE!

Oh and I see Sev down there.


This is a Droideka. These things are actually weaker than normal droids if you know how to hit them.


THIS IS HOW YOU HIT THEM.


They take about 5-7 hits and can never get a single hit on you if you keep knifing.

I AM PUNCHING THROUGH IT'S SHIELD TOO.

THE IMPENETRABLE ONE.


There are more.

They do not live very long.


There's Scorch! He's my favorite you know.

If he died because of a force other than myself I would be forced to annihilate what killed him.


And Fixer is hiding.

Y'know, he hasn't really done ANYTHING other than follow us around and act as a shield.

He hasn't even healed anyone yet!


We all know the one way this is going to end.

So I'll skip that part.


OH THANK GOD BACTA STATION.


They must be trying to make up for the extinction of Super Battle Droids.

I caused that y'know.


There are sniper positions.
This means something tough is coming on its way.


EVERYTHING.
WANTS.
CLARK FISTKNIFE.
DEAD.


Apparently, this thing is a droid dispenser. There are different types that dispense different droids.

Until this thing explodes, droids will be produced.


You know, instead of dropping it in front of THE GREATEST SOLDIER OF ALL TIME, they could have put millions of these all over the galaxy and obtained INSTANT GALAXY TAKEOVER.


I still love this job.


We breach the door.

Because we're badass, not "LETS UES STELTH".


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
I THOUGHT YOU ALL WENT EXTINCT.

Looks like I forgot one.


YOU WILL BE OFFICIALLY EXTINCT.


Seems like a hangar?


OH COME ON!

BUGS.

BUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS.


And this one SHOOTS FIRE FROM ITS HANDS.


I take out some minor annoyances before continuing with the bug.


THIS SNIPER RIFLE WILL TAKE YOU OUT.


I NOW HAVE THE POWER.

BUGMAN DEFEATED!


Now let's hack their computer.

Because they don't have enough problems already.


There is another bug.

I am shooting fire FROM MY HANDS at it.


IT IS FISTKNIFE FIRE VERSUS BUG FIRE.

BATTLE OF THE AGES.


I eventually run out of ammo and begin shooting at it.


OH FFFFFFF


REALLY? REALLY?


YOU ARE LATE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO KILL US BEFORE THE BASE WAS IN SELF-DESTRUCT.


There is only one way to solve this.


Oh dommot you're guarding.


As I was saying...
THE ONLY WAY TO SOLVE THIS IS WITH MORE VIOLENCE.

As Lonk has taught me.


LOOK AT IT'S HEALTH BAR.

THAT IS AFTER 4 DIRECT HITS TO THE WEAK SPOT USING THE ANTI-ARMOR.

NOT TO MENTION THE COUNTLESS OTHER BLASTS WE FIRED AT IT.


Still, cannot, reach.

I swear they made these things to mock me.


WILL YOU KINDLY PLANT YOUR booty ON THE POINT.


THE POINT BEING THAT I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH BLASTS OF HIGHLY CONCENTRATED ENERGY.


Now, doesn't that feel SO MUCH BETTER?


Wow, 3 of the 4 of us had to heal.

That is what I call a serious battle.


ONCE AGAIN, WE BREACH THE DOOR.

HACKING IS FOR SCREWING THEM OVER ONLY, NOT FOR DOOR OPENING.


Looks like I missed another one.





I must destroy it.
It is my DESTINY to destroy all SBDs ever created.


There needs to be an achievement for this kind of stuff.


Hey look an elevator.

And not in an air vent this time!

This elevator leads to the most annoying level in the game.

Gentlemen, I cannot do the next update without three guest speakers.

I can only assume Will wants to, and I saw a post earlier by some other guy who I can't remember the name of.

Oh, and there will be different guest speakers each time. Next time, I may not even pick from this forum. I may pick from another.


So join in if you'd like.

May I be Scorch?

The update is ALMOST DONE guys. 2 of the three commentators have made their commentary as Scorch and Sev.

Fixer will be done by a person on another forum.

Guest speakers will be named at the start of the update.

IT IS THE LAST GEONOSIS UPDATE.

Featuring Darkin as Scorch, Duhrdotcom as Sev, and...Milez as Fixer.


I think we accidentally left Fixer on the last floor guys.

I'm sure he'll randomly show up as always though.


WOULDJA LOOK AT THAT.

MAGIC

oh sorry guys i was busy boning a droid hooker


It appears this place is telling us to evacuate.

My calculations state we have five minutes.

FFFFFFFFFFF-

Are we allowed to panic yet?

Can I spend two minutes of our time downloading shitty porn?


Of course, EVERY ROBOT IN THE BUILDING pays not attention to their imminent death and instead try to kill guys they have no hope of killing.

snee


Seriously, were they PROGRAMMED to do this?

Yes.


As much as we'd love to stay, we need to get going RIGHT NOW.

SERIOUSLY GUYS.

Screw you, I'm sightseeing.


Flee.


I am missing SO many knifing opportunities right now.


COULD YOU GUYS BE ANY SLOWER I HAVE SEEN SLOTHS FASTER THAN YOU.

Yes, in fact, we could be.

We just like the sound our feet make when they hit the floor. So soothing.

sorry i didn't hear a thing you just said could you repeat that


I don't think we could really skip these guys.

Their gargantuan bodies block our path.


YEAH! You guys keep...shooting...it's...shields...

It's so much fun!

Yeahhhh that's completely ineffective.

Jackass.


I swear if I see any more of this extinct species...

I CALL OPEN SEASON ON THESE THINGS


Right, you guys take on their bodies with bullets.

Will do.


I WILL USE THE VASTLY SUPERIOR KNIFE.


Hacking the door open takes more time than blowing it open.

NO TIME FOR THAT STEALTH TOMFOOLERY.

SNEAKING IS FOR PUSSIES WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL SHIT


Oh dommot.


Super battle droids are no longer an extinct species.
ALL THE MORE REASON TO STAB THEM WITH BULLETS-er... lasers...WHATEVER DIEDIEDIE
I'll just call them threatened now.


That will not stop me from shooting bullets directly into their brains.


Scorch, you go on and handle him, I'll see what's up ahead.

If I must.


asdf.


Y'know, this job gets better with each explosion we cause.

Seconded


Blow the door open.

But to look badass this time.


Oh yeah we have about three minutes.

BUT NO PRESSURE GUYS.


Whoa this place looks unpleasant.


You guys handle the dangerous stuff, I got the turrets.

Best leader here, right guys?

Dick.

Remind me to shit in your suit.


THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE TO SCREW THEIR COMPUTER CONSOLES FOR GOOD.

DO NOT LET ME DOWN.


So, Fixer, how's that hacking coming along?

FUCK OFF I'M DOWNLOADING PORN


Sev, Scorch, I need you two on sniping duty.

Whateveryou say, boss.

I hate sniping. I like running into the enemies defenses more.


I'll do the dangerous stuff now.

I'd consider downloading porn in a firefight more dangerous.


That door.

That door just produced two SBDs to kill us.

EVERYTHING OFFICIALLY HATES US.

That's a good thing.


I hate falling.


I HAVE A KNIFE PUNCH.

YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.


THESE DOORS HAVE AN INFINITE SUPPLY OF SUPER BATTLE DROIDS.


THIS IS INSANE HOW ARE THEY FUNDING ALL OF THIS.

Kitten labor camps.

Or droid hookers. Or a combination of the two.

Mugging hobos.


PLEASE tell me you're done now.


Strange.

There are no more SBDs being produced.


Spoke too soon.


YOU'RE FINALLY DONE.

THAT TOOK 1/5 OF OUR TIME.

WE HAVE 2 MINUTES.

Rapidshare has shitty servers.


Run the hell away.


Oh HELL no.

A dead end...


Hey it's worst pilot and he blew a hole in the wall.
HE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.


Of course, he immediately counteracts that by parking too far away from us for us to hop in.

GEE THANKS.

Your welcome, ASSHOLE.


Oh hey look, that one droid is trying to fire at us.

HE'S LATE. AND WE'RE GONE.

I blame Scorch.

Hey! We are so faster than sloths!

A little cutscene to explain events which I did inbetween present and Geonosis.


So this takes place about a year later.

They skipped my dayum birthday.


Because Super Battle Droid factories aren't enough.


Magically.


Because, y'know, Alpha Squad and Beta Squad have better things to do than investigate a starship.





Question: Should I do an intermission of another game, or go straight to the next mission?

Depends what you have as an intermission, the next mission is pretty much the best ever. So creepy.

dunno if someone has said this but if u die and all ur teamates die u cant get revived Chief out (beep)

he ha2 2aiid thii2. many, many tiime2. you could fiind that out iif you actually looked through the log2. he 2aiid that in the lp. al2o, learn two type dude. that ju2 look2 riidiiculou2.

I got addicted to Minecraft so I took a hiatus but now I am back for more knifing goodness.


It's a year later and now we get a new mission.

The best pilot drove into an alternate dimension and cut off communications with the Republic so he'd die if something went wrong.

He is now dead.

We need to go in separately and get information.

Sounds like fun.


I go into the thruster of the ship.

THE THRUSTER.

"Let's just send our best soldier into the thruster of the ship, there he can be torched to death and we'll lose the war."

"Great idea lets also make a fake mission and put battle droids on the ship."

"You are a genius."


This thruster is huge and I think this is the same ship from Dead Space so I should see Issac Clarke soon.


I eventually come across a door.

In the THRUSTER.

DOOR.

IN THE THRUSTER.


Whoever worked here probably got incinerated because they were right next to the thruster and went outside for a smoke break but then the captain activated hyperspeed and he died.


I am hacking into the computer so I can retrieve information that is readily available to the Republic already.

This is stupid and dumb and I hate it.


There SURE is a lot of ship for a ship.


Why is everything static all of a sudden it is strange and it hurts my eyes please stop it.


Scorch says something about static too.


But it also goes away.

Static is weird like that.


There are air ducts, Mr. Freeman.


It is dark and Scorch runs into more trouble.


I hate this jump it is the stupidest jump why would they even put this jump here it is that stupid.


Suddenly, Scorch is attacked

Wait...WHAT.


SCORCH IS BEING ATTACKED BY ROBOTS.

I ONLY CAME ON THIS MISSION TO GET AWAY FROM ROBOTS NOW THERE ARE MORE.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST MISSION IT IS MORE STUPID THAN WHEN I HAD TO GO ALONE INTO THE SUPER BATTLE DROID FACTORY.


THEY GOT SCORCH HE WAS MY FAVORITE WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS.

I WILL FIND WHO KILLED HIM AND THEN STAB THEM 37 TIMES IN THE HEAD.

THEN I WILL SLICE HIS HEAD OFF AND EAT IT.

...WITHOUT ANY MILK.


There is nothing here.


Oh wait the game feels like contradicting me there is suddenly a guy.



He then begins to tell me what happened.

This is the short version:
"THERE WAS GUNFIRE SO I RAN IN HERE AND THEN SHOT ALL OF OUR AMMUNITION OUT THE TORPEDO BAY INSTEAD OF FIRING IT AT THE ENEMY BECAUSE I AM SMART."


Something then comes up and kills him.

Awww, I'm so glad this story had a pop flyin' end.


We then continue our broadcasting of air vents.


These air vents seem to be the only way around the ship.


That thing looks breakable.


Claaaasssshhhhhh


There is still SO MUCH STATIC.


One of my allies are out there.

However, I am wearing night vision. So I CAN'T SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.


I toss a grenade in.

I AM THE BEST TEAMMATE.


Hold on maybe I can see what armor and stuff he has on him.


OH SHIT WHAT IS THAT IT IS SHOOTING LIGHTNING AT ME FROM ITS PENIS THIS IS NOT GOOD.


NOW IT IS TRYING TO DRILL INTO MY HEAD USING ITS PENIS WHY IS MY STUPID KNIFE NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW.


...There are moooorrreeee...



Yeah this part is embarrassing because I got confused and went backwards on accident.


EVERYTHING WANTS ME DEAD I AM NOT SURE WHY THIS IS SO.


THESE...BUG-BOT THINGS ESPECIALLY.


Wait, why do THEY get to shoot lightning and I don't? I mean, they don't drop anything that lets me shoot lightning from my hands so I guess these robots are just dumb.


These bugs have not learned that trying to drill a hole in my face means they get knifed through their body.


There are so many bugs here.

Retreeeeaaaaaatttttt.


HOW CONVENIENT.

DEBRIS HAPPENS TO FALL ON THE PATH WHERE I'M GOING.

WHAT.

LUCK.


This must be that data thing I need to hack into so the Republic can get the information they have...wait, I've said this before.

WAITAMINUTE, why did they send me to hack the one in the thruster if this is the real one?

The Republic is stupid.


OH GOODY THEY HAVE CAUGHT UP TO ME.


Retreeeeeeeaaaaattttt.



BONUS IMAGE:

Today, we have achieved complete dominance, as Clark J. Fistknife captured the enemy intelligence three times in one minute, ensuring complete victory for his team.

SHIT I DIED

I have the thread a long overdue title change and we are going for ADVENTURE.


This vent is so hot this is not how you take care of things people crawl through.


We are finally out of that vent.


This mouse droid was late for the massage I asked for three months ago.

SO IT SUFFERS FATALITY.


There are also giant windows in this room.


IT'S SEV!

My second favorite is still alive this is wonderful.

I guess he's my favorite now because Scorch...DIED...


BUUUUUUGGGGSSSSSSS

They ALWAYS ruin the perfect reunion moments!


Wait Sev you need to look up there's something up there.


OSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

IT KILLED SEV.

AND NOW IT'S LOOKING AT ME.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
MONSTERSAAAAAAAAAGETTHEMAWAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Wait, these are the monsters that killed Scorch and Sev.

OH MAN NOW THAT I KNOW I AM GOING TO STAB YOU 47 TIMES IN THE FACE AND RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND DO TERRIBLE, UNTHINKABLE THINGS TO YOU.

AND WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL FIXER HE'S MY LEAST FAVORITE.

But not worse than worst pilot or advisor.


There is a terrible graphic glitch in this image I am sorry my graphics card is a piece of shit.


Okay, they didn't survive more than on stab in the face.

But you get the idea.


Now that that species is extinct I can continue to crawl into bug-infested vents that are extremely hot.

Yayyyyyy.


THESE BUGS ARE EVERYWHERE I SWEAR THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF THEM I WOULD BE GLAD IF THEY ALL DIED RIGHT NOW.


AND THEY CLING TO MY FACE AND TRY TO DRILL THEIR PENIS INTO MY FACE AND IT IS VERY UNPLEASANT.

THEY ALSO TRY TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL ON MY HELMET.


This bug is taped to the wall.


Be free! My friend!

...IN HELL.


I swear I just saw another monster walk through here.

I must be delusional.


I AM NOT DELUSIONAL THERE ARE MORE AND THEY ALL WANT ME DEAD.


Their weak, inferior knives are still no match for the MIGHTY FISTKNIFE OF DOOOOOOM.


Now that I get a closer look at them, I see...Oh no...

TIME FOR A BACKSTORY.

Back a year ago on Geonosis I think some guy got ahold of my DNA.

He then combined it with lizard DNA to create a brand new species, Trandoshans.

The first of the species was named Alien Clawface, who to this day is my mortal enemy.

They cloned the clone and taught each clone something different based on traits cloned.

These guys were missing the trademark fistknife, so they were assigned to kill and enslave people.

...At least that's what my visor says.


They are definitely clones of me.

Nothing else has the guts to rip a man's FRIGGING ARM OFF.


R3-D4, SAVE MEEEEEEEEEE FROM THESE SLAVE PEOPLE.

*beeeeeeeeep*

Screw you.


HOW MANY CLONES OF ME DID THEY MAKE THIS IS INSANE.


And seriously, couldn't they DECIDE what traits to clone, did they just decide my knife was too "weak"?

I will show them what weak is when I knife them and their domn head flies off.


More vents.

you get the idea.


Oh god I see this guy has a shotgun.

This will not be easy.


Or maybe it will be very easy.


Seeing now as how many of them I've murdered, it won't be long before they identify me as "the guy we cloned" and send Alien Clawface after me.

He'd be after me right now if I hadn't murdered all of them I've met.

So, from now on, I will be known as CLARK SHOTGUN.

At least until I can get close enough to take 'ol Clawface out with my Fistknife.


I'm in that room Sev got killed in.

Maybe if I can grab his body and call medics, I can revive him in time.


Or they just took the dead body too.

Trandoshans are not the smartest of creatures.

Another thing they forgot to capture: My intelligence.


Looks like they're just in time too.


Yo guys, up here.


Yes, I am beating that guy to death with my gun.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here. If they figure out I'm Clark Fistknife they'll try to enslave me.

...But they won't, of course. Because I'm too powerful for all of them combined.


This job.

Why do I need to keep getting information that they already have.

It's ridiculous.


Alien Clawface will never know what hit him, for I cannot be Fistknife right now, I am...

CLARK SHOTGUN.

Trandoshans have no eyes. Freaking scary.

I like teamkilling. :U