Alright, we're back, ladies and gents.
The Prodigal Son has returned.
Thank you all for being patient about this.
Episode Eleven: The Valley of Liiiiiieeeeees.....or maybe notSoundtrack: Bed and Breakfast
OK, I've had about enough investigating kidnappings and giving away my life savings for one adventure, let's go find us a Wry!
Soundtrack: Boy Meets Girl(Twoson)
BUT FIRST
I forgot to buy this earlier. I was distracted by the fact that it wasn't in the department store.
OR YOU KNOW
I COULD NOT HAVE ANY ROOM FOR IT
THAT'S FINE TOO
YES PLEASE BUY MY OLD THING SO I CAN BUY YOUR NEW THING
Wait, that's it?!?!? I paid good mon
ey for that Cheap Bracelet, ironically enough!
($98, to be exact. I got a 50% return off that thing....ouch.)
And we're back to having no inventory space! Yaaaay!
Soundtrack: Buy Somethin' Will Ya!
Since we're about to head off into a big dungeon, I'm going to deposit all my cash to avoid losing it due to stupid mistakes.
Soundtrack: Oncoming Foe
OK, enough fooling around, let's head out to Peaceful Rest Val-NYAAH
Soundtrack: Franky
HEY
YOU LEAVE WINSTON ALONE
What, you guys don't name your teddy bears?
Yeah....umm..."normal".....
OK, slight setback, but let's get goi-OH COME ON
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weak Opponent
WHAT DID I JUST SAY
YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT WITH YOUR LIFE
Alright, let's move! Scientology Village awaits!
BUT FIRST
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent
Man, if this is what's standing between me and Scientology Village, I'll get there in no time!
LSD Meter: I think he just looks like he's moving because of the background. Which doesn't help my case any.
Whoa, OK, slightly more threatening! I'm already a bit short on PP as it is!
Better me than Winston.
He's been my only friend on this long, cold journey.
.....What? Toby who?
A bit annoying and troublesome, but nothing to worry about, it seems!
Soundtrack: You Win!
I OWE THIS VICTORY TO WINSTON
AND THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP
Yeah, I'd imagine you have to go through a dank cave to get to ANY Scientology event.
Soundtrack: Dangerous Caves
Huh. No enemies in here. Well, this is underwhelming!
That's better!
Normally I wouldn't be too worried about Winston getting hit with a sprout, but that thing packs a bit of a punch!
AND SO HE SHALL SUFFER
HE SHALL SUFFER GREATLY
Soundtrack: Peaceful Rest Valley
Well, you seem to be in the right place, at least! Carry on, citizen!
(This girl is here to buy mushrooms off of you if saw any Evil Mushrooms in the cave, which I didn't, and got mashroomized....which I didn't.)
You just become even more useful every time we meet.
It's OK, though, because I block the audience's view of you more every time we meet as well.
It's a delicate cycle, not to be tampered with.
Wasn't very mortal then, was it?
Gutsman confirmed to be able to survive critical hits.
But not bombs or lemon shots OOPS SPOILERS
YOU DON'T SAY
Ah, yes, I often ponder my life and its rolling action.
I think I found where the dish ran away to. The spoon has yet to be located.
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent
SOMEONE CALL THE HISTORY CHANNEL, QUICK
LSD Meter: Alieeeeeeeeenssssss......
Man, even ALIENS can't respect the bond between me and Winston! He and I were best friends ever since I bought him at that store!
Just leave him alone already, would you?!? He's nothing but a big sweetheart, completely defenseless!
FREAKING
JUST DIE ALREADY
I take a vicious blow to protect my beloved companion.
In the end, I can't stop them all.
BUT I CAN STILL GET MY REVENGE
Justice has been served. COLD.
Umm....Excuse me? Sir? Could you maybe....go get someone to fix this?
Well, shoot.
Alright, we tried, let's go home.
No I'm serious, we're leaving.
OR NOT
Wait, what?
WAIT WHAT
NO WINSTON NOOOOOOO
HE WAS SO YOUNG
Dead Teddy Bear Count: 1
Also at some point during the battle, the Lil' UFO gave me a cold, which I didn't record for whatever reason.
(Colds are like a pathetic version of poison.)
Cold Count: 1
BOY OH BOY I LOVE THIS DUNGEON ALREADY
Well, they're missing a lot too, so I guess that's OK, but this is still going to become a war of attrition that I'll inevitably lose if I don't do something.
AND THEY HAVE LIFEUP
JUST SWELL
This is seriously starting to harsh on my mellow.
Winston hasn't been dead two minutes and you're already attacking Eugene!
HAVE YOU NO MERCY
HAVE YOU NO SHAME
(I didn't record the end? Really? Well, OK then.)
Well, Eugene survived, thankfully. He'll be a good replacement companion.
Also thankfully I held onto this cold remedy!
Side effects may include diarrhea, constipation, bloating, sever abdominal pain, sever abdominal bleeding, drowsiness, irrational anger, irrational love, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of revenge, headaches, migraines, tooth decay, and sudden fear of heights.
Consult your doctor if your symptoms last for more than four hours.
I'm starting to feel the irrational anger coming on.
And suddenly it's gone!
For once I'm glad that I have Eugene as a meat(fluff?) shield.
Also for once I'm glad that Eugene can't use PSI.
No hey, go back to using that on Eugene! Maybe you just have to try again!
NO EUGENE NOOOOOOO
HE WAS EVEN YOUNGER THAN WINSTON
Dead Teddy Bear Count: 2
Oh that's it.
YOU'RE ALL DEAD
DEAD DEAD DEAD
NO ONE LEAVES THIS FIGHT ALIVE
NOT THE SPROUTS
NOT MY EMOTIONS
NO ONE
Soundtrack: You Gained a Level!
Ooh yay, new level~
What was I talking about....?
Soundtrack: Phone
OK, so we're stuck. What's my next mov-
Oh
Umm
My
something is ringing.
Hang on for second while I figure this out.
Oh, it's the Receiver Phone! I guess it came in handy after all!
Speaking of serendipitous occurrences...
Hey, I'm the one funding your science experiments, I'll arrive when I'm good and ready!
This thing had better be worth the $200. I'm not sure I can take any more bad news today.
Much obliged, Madame Butterfly!
I feel like I'm gotten some closure over the deaths of my two dear friends.
Magic Butterfly Count: 1
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Mobile Opponent
And now I've got a whole new set of problems....
I'll take care of that later. Let's go see Apple Kid about that new invention!
Soundtrack: Apple Kid's Theme
HE'S NOT HERE.
THAT SWINDLING SON OF A GUN.
YES
IF ONLY TO PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT
OK, not a swindler, just an idiot. Why on Earth would I be there?!?
Augh, let's just go already.
Uhh....are you sure this thing works properly? Like, have you tested this at all?
The what
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
THAT'S YOUR BIG INVENTION
AN ERASER
I SWEAR, YOU ARE JUST THE MOST
GAA
....Oh. Oddly specific, but somehow useful to me! Hand it over!
The secret weapon of the Green Lantern. #2 Pencil Man will never defeat him again!
Soundtrack: Key Item Fanfare
Sweet! I knew I made the right decision trusting you!
So what you're telling me is that I now permanently need one item space for that phone. Great.
Soundtrack: Hospital
While we're here, let's get rid of this mushroom.
Now there's just one more thing to do before we go back to Peaceful Rest Valley.
Soundtrack: Buy Somethin' Will Ya!
ANOTHER BEST FRIEND
Another Magic Butterfly releases any pent up anxiety I feel about putting my new friend in harm's way.
Magic Butterfly Count: 2
And the good feelings just keep coming!
Man, what was I worried about? Maria is going to be just fine!
Yes she's a girl, can't you tell?
But just in case......
How are you still alive
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE
OH DOGGONE IT
DOG
FREAKING
GONE IT
Sigh....
It's going to be a long dungeon, isn't it?
NO MARIA NOOOOOOO
HOLY CRAP SHE WAS JUST A BABY
Dead Teddy Bear Count: 3
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I lost three loyal and faithful companions today. THREE.
Looks like I'm tackling Peaceful Rest Valley alone....
Let's try this contraption out. Hopefully it won't blow up in my face.
Whoa, hey, it actually works!
I....wasn't really expecting that!
Soundtrack: What a Great Picture!
Hmm, nothing here, let's head back a bi-OH FANTASTIC
MY SCREEN STOPPED AGAIN
You are lite
rally the last person I wanted to see right now.
Umm....this tree was not blocking my path a second ago.
(I hate these enemies. You'll see why in a second.)
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Weird Opponent
This was not one of the side effects listed on that Cold Remedy.
LSD Meter: It takes being attacked by a tree for me to realize what a downward spiral my life has become.
Tree Count: 1
As expected, this one's got a bit of defense behind it.
Not as expected, he also packs a bit of a punch!
I guess we'll just have to whittle away, then.
And also not die. That would help.
CRAP
This is really not something I should think of at the last possible second!
Well, shoot. Were LSD Hamburgers always this pitiful?
Nah, I'm just a growing boy.
Suddenly I remember my diet and decide that maybe I should start committing to it.
OH GOSH WHAT
OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH
END BATTLE END BATTLE END BATTLE
(That attack is a last resort by the Territorial Oak. You can survive it if you exit the battle quickly enough, but in general AVOID FIGHTING THEM.)
OK, no one said anything about Kamikaze Trees on the way to Scientology Village!
If my resolve were any less sturdy than it is now, I'd consider this the only time in the course of human history when it wasn't worth it to get the girl.
ACK, ANOTHER TREE-oh, that's better.
Tree Count: 2, wait no, false alarm!
Magic Butterfly Count: 3
Would you just sit still? I'm on a schedule here!
Oh, great, thanks, I needed that.
Man, this is like some reverse War of the Worlds crap.
Cold Count: 2
Well, I'm out of Cold Remedy, so let's see if I have something in my bag of tricks for this.
Maybe PSI Healing will work.
Bingo!
I'm sorry, Cold, I'm just not that into you anymore. I think it's time we went our separate ways, saw other people, you know?
And now for some items!
Since I'm already wearing a Travel Charm, this is really just unnecessary inventory space.
It's at this point I realize just how close to Scientology Village I really am.
Soundtrack: Battle Against a Machine
Wait a minute, is that a shiny, metallic R.O.B.?
LSD Meter: Well played, Nintendo.
Hey, no fair! Only Buzz Buzz can do that!
Man, it's been a while since the Exposition Fairy was relevant.
Yeah, this is going to get old pretty fast.
Oh hey, this is a war of attrition I might actually win!
.....Aaaaany day now.
Geez, you aliens are all just one-trick pon
ies, aren't you?
Cold Count: 3
Welcome to Earth.
Marc can now legally drive!
Because what I really needed was more firepower.
Luck, however, I could use!
Whatever I previously said was the best level, I'm taking it back!
BEST LEVEL
Now that's more like it!
Diet and exercise truly does work wonders!
Gaa, I don't have any more friends to exploit for this purpose anymore!
Seriously
How are you so nimble?!?!?
You know what, I've been through a lot today, I'm allowing myself this.
Looks like today is my
LUCKY DAY
OH SNAP SON!!!
Vegas, here I come!
Umm....that's not how capsules work, but all right.
Aw, c'mon, only one?!?!? I'll need a lot more luck than that to beat out the Blackjack table!
I'm starting to wonder why I've been worrying about running out of PP from curing my colds.
Heck, I'm starting to wonder why I even bother healing them in the first place!
Magic Butterfly Count: 4
Did they not teach you how to hit stationary objects on the Mothership or something?
Well, at the very least, they taught you how to be as irritating as possible!
AND YOU CLEARLY LEARNED FROM THE BEST
Cold Count: 4
This is really starting to not be a challenge anymore.
I honestly don't remember when the last time I started to wonder if I would be able to make it through here was.
Magic Butterfly Count: 5
YOU'RE STILL HERE?!?!?
Why didn't you go get help like I told you to?!?!?
Finally, some LSD food to carry around that's a little less fattening that my LSD Hamburgers!
But significantly less satisfying.
Yes, this is definitely something a 10 year old should be carrying around!
Treeeeeeesssss.....
Let's see if I can find another way around.
Tree Count: 2, for real this time
Snake, there's a bomb in your items! Get rid of it!
You know, seeing my enemies wield the power of light makes me wonder which side of the moral compass I'm really on.
Ha ha! Your measly light can't stop the power of my concentrated explosion!
One down, one to go.
I almost didn't see the little guy back there!
He thought he could sneak up on me.
HE THOUGHT WRONG
This is what codependency looks like, folks.
Magic Butterfly Count: 6
I ain't even mad.
There's probably going to be another butterfly right around the corner and none of this will have even mattered.
Cold Count: 5
Only the finest of hats for the most precious part of my body.
My hair.
The defense boost is nice too, of course!
Ah, what a lovely little cabin in the middle of the valley!
I wonder if it's for sale? Surely this can't be a very heavily contested area.
What did I tell you?
Did I even fight any enemies between the last butterfly and now? I'm not sure I did!
Magic Butterfly Count: 7
Soundtrack: Ambush!
Craaaaaaaap.
Well, ask and ye shall receive!
Red Screen Count: 1
Well, this is much less worrisome than I thought!
Protecting my beautiful hair is reaping big dividends!
Let's end this battle the Nigel Thornberry way.
I can't believe I never thought to make that joke before....
Level up!
Because I was in serious need of one from how difficult this dungeon turned out to be!
OH NO YOU DON'T
NO SHIELDS FOR YOU, MISTER
OH CRAP
THIS IS REALLY DISTRESSING
Red Screen Count: 2
Tree Count: 3
NOPE NOPE NOPE
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
I don't care who thinks I'm a coward, I'm not sticking around to see how this would have turned out!
In this chest, we have a Cup of LSD Lifenoodles! That's a mouthful!
GEEZ THERE'S ANOTHER TREE DOWN THERE
Tree Count: 4
Oh. Right. No room for it.
I think it's about time for a mid-afternoon snack.
That tree is still down there. It's making me anxious!
That's better! Now let's skedaddle before the tree gets any ideas!
Sigh.... Are we almost done here yet?
Cold Count: 6
Apparently, yes!
Let's tally up our score before we head inside.
Final Dead Teddy Bear Count: 3
Final Cold Count: 6
Final Magic Butterfly Count: 7
Final Tree Count: 4
Final Red Screen Count: 2
The Verdict: NEVER AGAIN.
OK, time to see what horrors await us in the cave!
Soundtrack: That Was Easy!
Coil Snakes.
Coil Snakes await us in the cave.
Soundtrack: Happy-Happy is Blue
Well, we've finally arrived in beautiful Scientology Village!
Looks pretty normal so far.
Oh well! I'm sure we'll find something out of the ordinary on the next episode!
P.S. Again, I'm aware that this is well past a week overdue, and I apologize for that. Thanks for being much more patient than I anticipated.
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