AWKWARD ZOMBIE

You should have smashed her face. Mhm.


But no more three updates per page please.

the ruin adventure ending was priceless

I begin by looking for a book.

I have to pay 1000 gold for this one freaking book.



It is not even a whole book.

If I didn't have enough cheddar to buy a continent I would be very angry.



I confront the Book-seller about his failure.



And it turns out it was actually someone else who tore the book.

I should hunt him down!



What the Hell.

I wasn't even asleep, damnit.



I can't see a thing, but it looks like a dude trying to talk to his wife.



I wake up after they stop talking.



When did I get to Chorrol?

Was I hallucination-walking?



I find the merchant who mutilated the book.

Only to find out that it was already mutilated when he got it.



Also the book is cursed, horribly, nightmarishly cursed.

I'm pretty much used to this stuff by now though, so the nightmares don't bother me.



There is a vivid description of what a horrible person Cleon was.

And I need to find a bandit in Bruma.



And also Allecia shows up again.

I suppose she is actually a Demon so I would need to use the Sword of Celestials to kill her. Those guys in the mine didn't cut it.

But this time she is not trying to kill me, instead she wants to stop being evil and start using her immortality for justice, by teaming up with me.

TEAM SMASHMAN LIVES AGAIN!



As soon as I am done teaming up with her I hallucinate again.

I get the feeling this coffin is important.



I remember this place. This is where Cleon the Butcher killed a bunch of people by walking past them.



This time, though, he decides to slaughter them with his soldiers.

It is a very blurry and very violent battle.



And then he sets the place on fire.



I wake up again.

This time I'm in a tavern in Bruma. This Hallucination-walking is kind of creepy.



The Bandit I'm trying to find apparently recognizes me and runs away.



And THEN he decides that he can defeat me.

Keep in mid that Bruma is the place where I singlehandedly destroyed an entire legion of Daedra. There is a statue of me by the castle.

He is not a smart Bandit.



And soon he is not an alive bandit either.



He is carrying another few pages detailing how bad of a person Cleon was.

I am still not sure why I am looking for this guy but my Quest Log seems to find it necessary.



Oh boy, another one.



This one is in a crypt. I think it's Cleon's crypt.



There were some Clue's in the guards Dialogue that point to the Anvil Smithy.



Yes, THAT Anvil smithy. The one where I murdered the guy way back at the beginning of the LP.

CAN WE JUST DROP IT proletariats STOP MAKING ME COME BACK HERE



Allecia also wonders why I am hunting Cleon.



Luckily, she provides me with a reason. Turns out it was actually The Fiend who manipulated Cleon into doing those evil things.

And they were very evil things.



Long story short:

A Nobleman challenged Cleon's actions.

Cleon responded by burning his house, raping and murdering his wives and daughters, and then handing the Nobleman over to a tribe of Rape-Goblins who raped him to death.

Good god, The Fiend was a DICK



This is a poorly hidden Crypt door.



Luckily the only Skeleton here is tied to a wall. No Undead to fight.



That Potion looks important.



I touch and Die instantly.

Luckily, thanks to some loophole in reality, I can't die.

It turns out that to die something needs to know your name. Since I technically have THREE names (Freddy Smashman: my Bodies name, The Fiend's Name, and my Soul's name) I am completely immune to Death.



Wait, WHAT

I am right here how can I be there.



Who are you and why do you have my name.



It turns out this is the soul of the original Freddy Smashman.

He got kicked out by the Fiend, who then got replaced by me.



He isn't very pop flyin' about that, actually.

I would offer to bring him back to life but I kind of like this body. Maybe next time.



I set off into the Abyss to find Cleon's soul.

If I bring him back I think he can redeem his evil actions, saving himself from this hell.



Oh look, the Undead I thought I avoided.

Why am I not surprised.



That is pretty cool.

There's a voiceover telling me that that's Cleon and the incarnation of his Warlike nature.



And they are TOTAL BADASSES

That Incarnation of War is shattering skeletons with a single punch.

Where do I get one.



War dies pretty easily, though.

I think it relies on Cleon to protect it. Cleon takes Defense and War does Offense.



It wakes up pretty quickly and smashes the rest of the Skeleton.



He isn't very pop flyin' to see me, surprisingly.



He doesn't like War much either.

I describe his situation and how I intend to help him.



He really would like to live again.



He merges with War and follows me back to the world of the living.



He's pop flyin' to be back and be able to undo all his evil actions.



And he decides the best way to do that would be to travel with me.



Team Smashman now has three members. All of whom are completely immortal.

Let's go smash some evil.

oh shit your party's awesome

Here's hoping they don't die in some horrible texture-related bug.

Today's update contains an unusually large amount of BULLSHIT.

Such instances will be labeled.



My adventure begins in a cave. This is completely unrelated to anything else I do this update but oh my god that is an awesome ring.



Shortly afterwards I am presented with HALLUCINATORY BULLSHIT.



My body's original owner (Who I will now refer to as Fred), is here to spout OMINOUS BULLSHIT.



He is then kidnap by Demon.



Cleon recognizes that I was in the Abyss and asks what was up.

Also I am out of that potion that let's me go to the Abyss whenever I want.

This is an instance of PLOT LENGTHENING BULLSHIT.



However, it makes a wonderful field trip for Team Smashman.



I encounter the person who can make a new batch of potion for me.



She sends me on a BULLSHIT FETCH QUEST.



Oh well, I have Team Smashman now!

What could possibly go wrong?



OH GOD EVERYTHING HAS GONE WRONG EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AND THERE ARE UNDEAD EVERYWHERE



At least they have the ingredients I need to finish the potion.



I complete the Fetch Quest.



And now I am forced to wait several hours (Real-time hours, not game hours) for the potion to finish, in another instance of PLOT LENGTHENING BULLSHIT.



I come back after completing several quests.

I have saved seventeen people's lives in the time it took you to make a potion, woman.



Cleon insists on going back to hell with me.

This makes perfect sense.



I am back here again.

It looks exactly like I remember it.



At least I have Cleon to keep me company this time.



Actually it isn't exactly the same. There is now an Ominous Castle in the distance.



What hasn't changed is the amount of BULLSHIT UNDEAD.



Undead who can now set me on fire at will.



There are some Ominous stairs to go with the ominous castle.



This is the view from the top of the stairs.



And this is the view from the bottom, after I was pushed down by Cleon's BULLSHIT AI.



The inside of the castle looks no better than the outside.

And Cleon insists on casting Detect Life on me. In case, you know, we get ambushed in the middle of hell.



HEY LOOK AN AMBUSH IN THE MIDDLE OF HELL



I will not tolerate being ambushed!



Stop getting in my way yo-

Does she have no body?



I am very on fire.

But I don't fear fire.



AAAH SORRY FIRE

I AM AFRAID OF YOU NOW PLEASE STOP



I talk to an old guy.

He spouts NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.



Also that woman earlier definitely had no body.

She is just a bunch of floating parts.



She is in this state because her body was stolen (bodaciously) by a bunch of Demons who just caroused into the Abyss one day.

The demons were also after Fred.



I sneak by their camp. Since they think I am Fred, if they see me they will capture me and I fail this quest.

And Freddy Furius Smashman does not fail.



Unfortunately not being detected is harder than it looks.

I am not stealthy in all this Heavy Armor.

Hmm...



This is either the best or the worst idea ever.



THE BEST



I need to find someone who can translate this journal. The logical choice is the castle I saw earlier.

I spend several minutes interrogating people.



And of course I forgot that I was naked the whole time.

Whoops.



Alright, now that I am fully clothed interrogation's will be much easier.



Like my interrogation of this guy, who is obscenely ugly.



And I mean obscenely ugly.

I use my Sleuthing powers to determine that the Ugly Guy is evil.



I am right.

The moral of the story is that ugly people are evil and you should not trust them.

Also I require sneaking again.



This would be slightly less creepy if Cleon wasn't following me so intensely.



Ugly McEvilface gets stuck on walls a lot.



This is another example of BULLSHIT AI.



ALL ABOARD THE SNEAK TRAIN.

Clothing optional.



He stops in this corner.

My Sleuth-sense tells me he his doing something suspicious.



I am correct.



Yes, because someone with that face can look innocent.



I use my powers of Persuasion (Brought on by my 72 fame points and high personality) to make him stop being such a dick and translate the journal for me.



And then he gets incinerated.

I can only imagine what happened to him.



I don't care about Evilface at all, though, so let's read the journal.



Fred is hiding under a rock with a combination lock on it.

Where a Rock got a combination lock is best called INEXPLICABLE BULLSHIT.



The levels of BULLSHIT have officially reached the point where Cleon can swim in it.



I find the rock.



Oh look, the lock is actually a BULLSHIT PUZZLE.



After solving the Puzzle, I find out that Fred's hiding place was not buried under anything at all.

I could have gotten in from above.

BULLSHIT.



At least Fred is here so I can save him and get this over with.



I think I've already done that, what with the "Saving all of existence" thing I did.



Yes that is the general idea. Come along.



I DO NOT LIKE THAT SENTENCE.



Fred says that I can't save him because the Fiends are coming to take him to Oblivion.



Let me make two things clear:

A: Fiends have no way of killing me, therefore I could fight them off easily.
B: I have been in and out of Oblivion several times.



This is a MATRIX-LEVEL BULLSHIT PLOTHOLE.



I am so bloody frustrated right now.



Fred gave me a journal before he needlessly went to hell.

It talks about how I should try to redeem myself in ways that do not involve him. He didn't want to be saved from hell.

I just went through that much BULLSHIT for a guy who didn't even want to saved.

I have no idea what could make me hate this quest anymore than I already do.



What.



...

This is not right.
____

In all seriousness, I do not like this mod. It throws a lot of crap my way for no reason.

cleon's face is the scariest thing ever holy shit


also i giggled a lot during this

jesus christ i read this and laughed so hard my drink came out of my nose



also i squeaked

Oh my god that man IS ugly.

The swimming through the bullshit was my favourite part.

First, direct your attention to the previous update. It has been expanded to include the rest of that BULLSHIT QUEST.

Read it before continuing.



Okay, due to a bug I am being followed by several fiends.

This is not fun.



They don't actually help me in battle, they just get in my way and screw up my framerate.

I would get rid of them, but they are marked as essential, and therefore unkillable.



Therefore, I must download the only mod capable of killing Essential Characters.

Hilarity



Ah, there we go. Polymorph Mudcrab and Polymorph Sheep.

Just what I'm looking for.



But first, I set the Fiends on fire.

They don't seem to mind.



THEN I transform then into Mudcrabs



And also sheep.



And then I kill them.

There must be a gravity issue with these things or something, because that Fiend-Sheep just flew into the air and across the street.



Now that my unwanted guests are dead, I think I'll experiment with Hilarity a little.



That is a very large number of Goblins.



They are all pathetically weak, though, so even civilians can handle them.



This titanic ogre, though, is a much more difficult fight.



Even my hammer doesn't do much damage to him.



I manage to knock him back, and a very large crowd of civilians wails on him until he is almost dead.



He dies in what is quite possibly the strangest position ever.

NEXT SPELL



This one is a falling down spell.



It is not that amusing.



The "Freeze" spell is, though. It makes people completely stop moving.

And it also makes them fall over, completely rigid.



I could do this all day.



I decide not to though.

I experiment with Gigantism next.



Man, I wish I could cast this on myself.

That would be so awesome.



There is also a Gnomize spell.

It makes people tiny.



Ooh, an unsuspecting guard. I think I will cast this "Play Catch" spell on him.

I like Catch.



THIS IS NOT CATCH

THESE ARE ROCKS



Hmm.

It has a boulder upgrade.



Oh god that is a lot of boulders.



I wonder what "Stark Reality" does?



...

Well.



I...

I have no comment on this.



I think I will use the "Curse of Ma'iq" spell next.

Whoops I accidentally clicked on Riot.



Oh no this is not good at all.



Civil Disobedience is not good.

Luckily, I have the solution!



Free boners for everyone!



WHAT

NO THE boners WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL FROM THE SKY

THIS IS ALL WRONG



Yeeaaaaaah...

I think I'm going to load a different save...

THIS
BEST UPDATE
I AM CRYING FROM LAUGHTER

oh my god the boners

THE boners

Please tell me there are more spells...

PLEASE, I WANNA LAUGH SOME MORE

i squeaked again