AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I was talking about companion quests. There is not a single Legion companion sidequest in this game.

Stop talking about the Legion, we don't discuss Legion here.

That reference was golden, and yaaaayyy, new page!

Haha, I still have no idea what's going on here.

Chapter 8: I Found A Way To Steal The Sun From The Sky



Alright, Jango was making some funny noises when that old junk dealer mentioned this place, so I'm gonna go check it out.



I guess that giant penis is the facility.



This detour is not without its perils.



That word might have implied some sort of challenge, though.



Helios One, prototype for the more successful Helios Two?



Uh, I'm an NCR soldier. I'm just not in uniform because...

Well, come on. Standard NCR wear has layers and coats and shit, and we're in a fucking desert.

So uh... what are my orders?



Holy shit, that worked.



It's night. He's inside. Who the fuck is wearing sunglasses in that situation?

Guy must be a douchebag.



An incompetent douchebag at that.



God, this place is a maze.



Obviously whoever worked here was paid by the hour. Walking around the office would make them rich.



There's the incompetent douchebag. Whose name is Fantastic.

I wish this wasn't my life.



Yeah, they got tired of bending over backwards for an incompetent douchebag named Fantastic.

How surprising.



And you're addicted to drugs? This is fucking perfect.

Tell you what, you hand me some caps and I forget you've got a job.



Now then, exactly what are you doing here?



How in the fuck did you get this job.



Oh no.



Oh good heavens no.



I don't know who's worse. You, or the fucking idiots who hired you.



Please, just stop opening your mouth.



Fucking imagine that.



You mean that enormous phallic monument next door?



Alright, now this is getting interesting.



Just shut up, please, for me.



Wow, you, having computer problems? How about that.



There's that theoretical degree at work.



What the fuck do you think I'm doing here?





That sounds like the government's decision.



Seriously, every time you open your mouth I learn something I never wanted to know.



Please tell me you're not just jackass number two.



I'm a courier.



Well, I lied and told them I was a soldier. They probably won't check that, right?



Hold on a minute, this is your turf. My answer could get me killed for all I know.



I think I've heard of you guys?



Oh yeah, scientists and doctors, I remember.



Well, I'm pretty much a mercenary at the moment.



Neither? I don't know, I kind of stay away from those big conflicts.



What are you getting at?





Well I'm too interested to just walk away now.

The NCR wants me to get the generators working again.



Weapon, huh?



Yeah, and neither will you. I'm thinking this little side trip will end up making me a pretty profit.





I hope it's not the same password jackass gave me, otherwise this is gonna be a real short job.



Fantastic's computer is trapped all over the damn place.



Good thing I'm much more competent that he is. Not like it would take a lot of effort.

What's this Archimedes entry about?



Sounds like some serious shit.



Now for the other computer.



The traps around this one are a little more alive.



I hope the soldiers don't mind me slaughtering their loyal guard dogs.



There's probably a cleaner way to put them down, but I work with what I've got.



Alright, so that's two computers talking to the central thingy.

Shut up, I'm not a scientist.



Now that dumbass said something about pre-war security.



OW, SHIT, WHAT, FUCKING TURRETS.

Boone, shoot those fucking things, I can't reach them.



I'll take care of the ground forces.



This brain in a glass jar is surprisingly sturdy when smacked with a chunk of concrete.



I thought this place would look more like a military base, and less like a sewer.



More brains in glass jars. Who agrees to this shit?

Wait, maybe the brains don't like being in robots. Hell, they barely fight back.

THESE BRAINS ARE SUICIDAL.



Oh well, I guess I'd be doing them a favor if that were true.







It's fucking robots all day in this place.



Looks like I've hit paydirt.



Or not.



Just a small hiccup.



Alright, what do we have here...

So if I'm reading this right, it looks like some sort of satellite laser defense stuff.



Fucking AWESOME.



Now I just have to turn it on.



You're so vain, you probably think those mirrors are for you.



And the Queen of Spades said...



LET THERE BE LI-



-IIIIIAAAHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK IT'S GETTING REALLY FUCKING HOT HOLY SHIT HOT FUCK HOT



Holy fuck I think I've gone blind.



Okay, I did the thing.



Yeah, that just means it's going everywhere. It's spread evenly so there's no spikes or anything.

Please believe that.



Holy shit you really believed that.



Getting better at solving my problems nonviolently.



PSYCHE.

So my work here is done, and I don't know exactly how to use that satellite yet, but I'm sure I'll find the rangefinder at some point.



In the meantime, let's get ambushed by Viper dickbags who keep attacking in straight lines.



At least they've graduated their hardware.



Unfortunately for them, so have I.



My hat is broken, somehow, so I decide to start wearing the beret that Boone gave me.

Looks good on me. I am the height of Mojave fashion.



Time for some more scavenging/looting/item recovery.



Here's another of them fancy star caps.



Boone alerts me to some radscorpions by blasting a few of them without warning.



With him around, I don't even have to do anything.

He's great, but this is kind of boring.



Wreckage everywhere. Where the hell am I?



Oh, it's Boulder City.

What a shithole.

y no sky lasur

but he did sky lazer

You can also do sky laserz by activating the the ARCHIMEDES I Self-Defense mechanism and blow everyone around the plant to smithereens with orbital bombardment.

The scientists get mad.

So does Boone, which would be hilarious considering how much everyone has been begging me to have him around.

Boone in a nutshell.

I liked Boone. I didn't have to do much of anything.

Chapter 9: Fragments Of What Used To Be



Thanks for the tip, magic floating hallucinatory words. You must be a side effect of the head wound.



Boulder City has seen better days.



I see the NCR is doing what they do best. Guard enormous piles of garbage.



What a coincidence, I'm looking for some Khans.



Sounds like fairly typical Khan stuff to do.



Sounds like fairly typical NCR stuff to do.



Never Competent, Really.



That's generally how I get my hands on things other people have.

Tell you what, I'm in a bit of a hurry, maybe you could let me take care of it for you?



Diplomacy it is, then. Good thing I've been getting better at that.



Jessup? He can't handle the truth.



Yeah, don't worry, I can take care of myself.



I've got 10 Lucks, good sir. I think I will be fine.



Boulder City Ruins? You mean I'm not already standing in ruins?



Fuck, this place looks worse than the capital.



I haven't been shot yet, that's a good sign.



I'm a ghost here to haunt you. OOOOoooooOOOOOooooOOOoooooo...



I believe you have something of mine. Where's my chip?



God FUCKING damn it.

Well if Benny fucked you too, I guess that's that. Why haven't you shot your way out of here yet?



Have you thought about negotiating your way out of here?



NCR doesn't really work that way. Tell you what, if you let your hostages go, I can talk them into letting you leave.



I'll make sure of it.



I plan on doing much worse, but I will try to incorporate this lighter somehow.



I can't wait to be out of this shithole.



Of COURSE you did. You're gonna make me take the high ground here, aren't you.



The NCR has a serious problem with discipline. Namely, you assholes don't question your orders often enough.

If you fire a single bullet at those Khans, I'll kill you myself.



Very good. Now I'm gonna just fuck off if you don't mind.



I suppose I should start heading to Vegas.



You've got to be fucking kidding me.



Yeah, real fucking fancy.



Must be nice being an untiring, bullet-dispensing automaton.



You know what? Fuck Benny. That son of a bitch shot me in the head, TWICE, with no hesitation.

And now he's in Vegas, on his own turf, probably surrounded with his own personal guards or whatever.

He's not going anywhere, so I think I'm gonna take my sweet time getting there.





Time I can spend getting rich and collecting weaponry.



Words cannot express how sad this makes me.



I think I'm pretty close now. Should be just around this bend...



There it is. Hoover Dam.



What a sight. I think I can see one of Caesar's goons waving at me from across the water.



It's a good thing the NCR has these enormous anti-air guns so they can fight the planes and bombers that the Legion has.

Oh wait a minute.



“It is fitting that the flag of our country should fly here in honor of those men who, inspired by a vision of lonely lands made fruitful, conceived this great work and of those others whose genius and labor made that vision a reality.”

I should point out how fitting this is and how it represents the NCR's goals in uniting the Mojave, but that isn't very funny.



Alright, enough distractions for now.



I'd like to shop, not so much slop.



Well, hello there, cutie.



Well, I was dead for a while, but I got better.



It was nothing, really.



Well we're just a couple of interesting ladies, aren't we?



You don't say.



Uh huh, family.



Yeah, groceries.



What? Sorry, I'm getting lost in your eyes. I haven't really been paying attention.



Sure.



I know they like to harass folks for using fancy pre-war technology.



Power armor and super death lasers do tend to get pretty expensive.



I'm going to meet an old friend.



Yeah, you could say we were real close at one point.



Did I mention I was shot in the face?



Where are you looking to go?





Babe, I'd love to help out, but I'm sort of tagging along with this sniper guy, and I'm not really sure what he'll do without me around.



Sorry, I'll be back when I think I've gotten this guy all squared away.



Sort of. You a soldier?



You're about to tell me a story, aren't you.



I don't care, just buy my bullets and armor.



What's going on down here?



Hey kid, you selling junk?



A kid with manners. Not too many of those around.

About that junk?



You... what?



Medicine? What?



I have no idea what you are saying, kid.



What medicine were you talking about?



Uh, how about you do some thinking for me, then?



Me.







I'm thinking maybe I should stay the fuck away from Vegas.



I'll bet you get that face a lot.



Yeah, fuck that place.



Let's go here instead.



Another NCR camp, it looks like.



I wonder what they've got for me to do here.

By squaring Boone away do you mean settling things "diplomatically" with the Omertas?

I think you mean the White Glove Society.

And no, I am not a heartless monster.

CHildren are horrible