AWKWARD ZOMBIE

same with mage's hood

I did not know you could enchant the irons.

I feel so informed now.

Yup. Best part is you can put some horrible enchantment on any 0-weight stuff (IE: Fire Damage), and reverse-pickpocket them into some unfortunate NPC's inventory. The general result:

NPC: What is this? A new thing in my pocket I've never seen before?

NPC: HOLY DANGS ITS ENCHANTED

NPC equips the item-o'death

NPC: OH LORD THE PAIN FROM FIRE. BUT AT LEAST I LOOK STYLISH WITH A FANCY ENCHANTED THING!

[spoiler]NPC: With my last breath, I CURSE ZOIDBERG![/spoiler]

Noo

The farmer's wife was kidnapped by a "Mythical Creature".



I bet it's a minotaur.



I cannot think of something worse to see when you go through a door.

And it isn't a minotaur either.



Why does this Mod like to clusterfuck me so much

That is two Dreughs, two Spriggan's, and the Spriggan's bears.



It is not a pleasant fight.



There is a note written in blood nearby.

It is a call for help by the Farmer's wife.

It was written in blood, what did you expect?



There she is. She starts blathering about a Monster that kidnapped her.

and it's behind me.



Well would you look at that.



It's time for a Hammer showdown!



Apparently this is an Undermountain Minotaur.

It is difficult.



It is actually the most climactic bossfight I've had in a while.

But it does not have health potions, and I do, so I win.



I release the Wife and let her follow me to the farm.



The farmer thanks me, promises me some cheddar, and then goes to sleep.

He must be really excited.



Apparently the Farmer got a message to my Steward before I got home.

One day I am going to find out how the hell people travel this fast.



This pleases Lord Smashman.

Not that I ever do anything with my cheddar, I just let it sit in my apparently-bottomless pocket.

One day I hope to have a solid gold statue made of myself.



I raid the kitchen and raise my Alchemy level.



And I dump some loot in the Display room.



Now that I have cheddar, I can hire guards, to get more cheddar. It is a lovely cycle.

The Steward recommends a mercenary group.



That's a lot of mercenaries.

They look like Guard material.



But of course I must do some arbitrary task before they will guard my castle.

And it involves the undead again.

At least it can't get any worse.



Or maybe it can!



Definitely.

It can definitely get worse.

And remember how I mentioned that Ogre Nipples were a bad thing to see when you walk through a door?



There are worse things.



There are Lich's everywhere.



And lot's of zombies.

I really really hate this cavern.



I am once again swarmed by a horde of undead.

Look at all the things I go through for the sake of my castle.



At least the decor is creative.



Very creative.



Alright that's just flat-out disturbing.

Who designed a cave with skeletal candlebras?



This Zombie is actually the "Screamer". He isn't screaming.

This is a horrible quest.



There is some neat loot nearby though. I don't think I've ever found an item that fortifies armorer.

These look handy.



LE TWIST

The entire mercenary group grew up at Hoarfrost Castle, before their parents were killed in an undead invasion exactly like the one I fought off earlier.

This reeks of Plot.

Can't I just get a freaking castle without any drama?



Now that the guards are hired I need a Cook, Blacksmith, Mage Assistant, and a Priest.

And there is something the Steward is not telling me. Undoubtedly something to do with the undead.

ogre nipples do not want

blast it, I can barely tell the in-game quests from the proletariats.

these are all proletariats

Except for the first one.

I decide that I will be getting the Blacksmith first. A blacksmith sounds like the least likely person to have a quest involving the undead.

Unfortunately the Blacksmith is in Anvil, in the exact same place where I murdered that Blacksmith way back when.

This guy probably only got the job because I murdered his predecessor.



Yes, in the direction of your predecessor's spine.



He seems overjoyed with the thought of working for me, except that he is an love with some chick.

The chick would also like to work for me, but there is a problem.



She is being stalked by some crazy old rich guy who would hunt her down if he left.

Apparently my regiment of armed guards would be unable to protect her, so I have to kill him myself.



I talk to the girl herself, and am presented with two options. One; Insult Old Guy until he challenges me to a duel, or Two; Murder him while he is alone.

I am not Charlie Manhuge so I go with option one.



Pfft.

He has a diary.

On top of being a creepy old pervert he has self esteem issues.



I insult him about his Eyes, Saggy cheeks, and hairline.

This apparently warrants my death.



We head outside and the duel begins.

He is wearing clothes and has a Silver sword.

I am wearing Heavy Armor and wielding a Daedric Warhammer.



The duel goes exactly how you think it would.



His shirt and sword were enchanted, so I guess he wasn't a total idiot.



I now have a Blacksmith and a Maid.

Both of them act as my personal merchants as well, The Blacksmith being a Weapons shop and the Maid being a General Store.



Next up is the priest, who lives way up in the mountains.



Apparently the priest has had some trouble with a Mafia-style group of Marauders recently. They even broke his knees when he refused to pay them.

They apparently forgot that he is a healer.

But then again, they broke his knees, which means they have Blunt weapons.



This is not a Blunt weapon.

Nobody in this fort has a blunt weapon. I feel cheated.

I do pick up some Daedric armor with sweet enchantments, though.



Huh.

You know, this quest WAS called "Burning Devotion."

I guess this is why.



Now that he has no more church to care about, the Priest agrees to work for me.

He gives me access to an Altar I could use even if I was a criminal, and he can heal me.

Since I am not a criminal and I have access to the "Wait" command, he is useless.



Last up is the Mage Assistant.

The quest to get her is named "Eye for an Eye"

I wonder who I will be getting revenge on.



Well.

That was unforeseen.

She wants me to take her up to a cliff and describe the view for her before she will work for me.



Or so she tells me.

The cliff actually contains a cave where her ex-lover, who blinded her, is hiding.

Oh, and her Ex-lover blinded her by burning her eyes out with dark magic.

Gaaah



The cave is also filled with undead.

Oh joy.



It would appear that I am again being swarmed, but this is not the case. The Mage and a Dremora she summoned are behind the undead, attacking them.

The Mage is surprisingly competent for a Blind woman.



That's a lot of chains.

I will remember this place in case I need to imprison an octopus.



The Mage's ex turns out to be a Necromancer.



I HATE NECROMANCERS

Now The Mage will work for me.

She offers Spell-making and Enchanting, which means I don't have to join the Mages Guild now.



Now that all the Staff is hired, I speak to the Steward. The secret he's been keeping involves a Journal he found while fleeing the Fort earlier.

It belonged to the original lord of Hoarfrost Castle.



Whose name was Furius Hoarfrost.

The best part is that Furius is the title of whoever owns the castle meaning that my name is now Lord Furius Smashman.

Lord Furius Smashman.

Also the castle is cursed.

HOLY CRAP, the castle that has been repeatedly sieged by the undead is cursed?

WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TWIST!

WHORE FROST

also why are there so many undead

For some reason, the name "Furius" amuses me.
I don't know why.

i keep seeing upstanding member of society when i read that name.

Someone called?