AWKWARD ZOMBIE

I really wish I could play these awesome looking proletariats but WHOOPS I HAVE A VANILLA OBLIVION LET'S PLAY TO DO.

Why did they make Frostmourne 1-handed FFFFFFF-

I wouldn't know, I didn't download Frostmourne.

In other news, you will notice that all updates can now be accessed from the first post. Silly titles are in effect.

Also, I accidentally downloaded the Hoarfrost Castle mod instead of the Glenvar castle one. Oops.



There's my dragon. He is now an official member of Team Whatever-my-team-is.



I receive information on Hoarfrost through the Journal.

But you're standing outside, alone...



I hop on the Dragon and fly in the direction of Hoarfrost.



Dragon flight is actually kind of boring.

What's the point of traveling if nothing is trying to kill me?

Would you rather have aerial foes attacking you from every angle which you have to fight off from Dragonback?

That would be the BEST MOD EVER.



That must be Hoarfrost.

I wonder how soon I will get to Hoarfrost.

Hoarfrost is fun to say because it has "whore" in it's name.



This man is standing outside for no reason.

He must be important.



Oh boy I've always wanted a castle.

You may now address me as LORD Smashman.



Have I mentioned how much I hate undead.

Because I hate them very much.



Oh, this is kinda nice. It has it's own chapel.



There's a big courtyard with a farming area and lot's of mushrooms, this is going to be good for Alchemy.



The inside could use some fixing though.



Oh boy, Zombies.

I hate zombies most of all.



Actually, there is something I hate more than Zombies.



MULTIPLE ZOMBIES



I hate how they back you into a corner and almost every attack makes you flinch.

I especially hate that.



But I LOVE My backwards power attack.

It makes people go flying. Which is useful for when you're cornered by zombies.



Thus it is done.



Gotta go in the cellar now.

Being underground and zombies.

Never a good combination.



I may not be an Architect but I DON'T think skulls are a good building material.



One hammer-strike and the Skull Wall goes down



Behind the Skull Wall there is a note.

There is a Lich in here. A lich who likes poetry.



Wow, this crypt is CRAWLING with Loot.

I pick up several hundred gold in a few minutes.



A skeleton. This isn't so bad.



Balls

I didn't know "Clusterfuck" was part of the AI programming.



None of them even have good weapons for looting.



Several potions later.



This one is alone, at least.



At least it WAS alone until it's Axe-wielding partner ambushed me and launched me in the air.

I better find something to make this crypt worth it.



WORTH IT

OH BOY NEW HAMMER



Oh boy oh boy oh boy I can't wait to hit something with it.



And what better to smash first than the Lich!



Well that was unrealistically stupid.

You didn't even have me helping you this time.



What pleasant architecture.



Woah.

This Lich had great taste in stairs.



There is a trap door up here...



Which leads directly into the master bedroom.

LE PLOT, IT GROWS THICK



Hopefully I can avoid useless shenanigans and just get the castle.

hurr hurr whorefrost

BUT OH BOY HAMMERS. EXTRA GOOD FOR FACE SMASHING.

face smashing is my favorite part

Why, those titles on the first post aren't silly at all!

They're just... titles.

You should do what I do and make the names stupid jokes that you didn't have the chance to use during the actual post.

Now that the Lich is dead I assume I will get my castle.

But I am cautious of any further complications.



Nope.

It turns out I only have to wait three days to let the Construction-Mages do their work.

Now I have to waste three days.



First I raid the Castle gardens



Then I make some potions.



This is enough to take me to level 22.

If only my bed was finished.



While I am selling my loot from the Crypt (and the entire Armor saga), this happens.

I feel terror.



That skull looks familiar.

I think the game accidentally took the texture from my armor and applied it to the sky.

Weird.



I fix the problem.

Now, If only I had some sort of meaningless fetch-quest to waste my time...



I knew you wouldn't let me down, RPG genre!



I have to get some fish scales. It's time for Fishing.



THE FREDDY SMASHMAN WAY



This fish has a lockpick on it.

I like to imagine that it ate a common criminal.

My quest pointer directs me to the next fish, which appears to be on land. But that couldn't possibly be right.



OH GOD LANDFISH GET IT AWAY



I smite the Landfish and claim my 12th scale.

I give them to the fisherman and he gives me this ring in return.

It is not particularly good but the quest managed to waste a few hours.



Meanwhile, my castle has been prepared.

Our tour begins in the display room.



I lay out my Imperial Dragon armor,



A spare Lich King Cuirass,



Plus the Black Hood from the Armor Saga and the Wrist Irons I wore in prison,



And finally the Mace of Molag Bal and the Ring of Khajiti, which I got from Daedric Quests.

All in all this is about 300 points of encumbrance off my back.

Plus I get a nice area where I can take a walk down my smash-filled memory lane.



And there are still several dozen display cases and tables, plus an ENTIRE other display room.

I do not even know if there are enough items to fill all these boxes, but I AM DAISIES WELL GOING TO TRY.



Our tour continues to the dining hall.

My first action as Lord Smashman is to take every item of food present and make potions with it.



There is also a hot spring.

It does nothing.



But deep within it's depths are several valuable gemstones, which I collect using the Water Breathing enchantment on that ring I got earlier.

CHEKOV'D



Here is my bedroom.

Which contains a secret passage leading to a crypt.

I do not feel comfortable sleeping here.



I level up

I seem to have maxed out my Strength and Endurance, which means now I have to level up less useful skills.

And I can't get any stronger to carry more loot. This is a more serious problem.



There is a tower which would probably have a nice view if it hadn't been raining for the past three days.



And in the "Mage's Study" there is a cabinet for storing alchemy ingredients.

Which I will never use because leaving ingredients behind is plain stupid.

This concludes our tour.



I find my new Steward eating the food that is no longer there.



Apparently there are several projects which must be completed before my castle is complete. As Lord Smashman I will not stand for an incomplete castle, so I ask him about them.

First order of business: He spent all our cheddar fixing the castle.

Usually he collects taxes from the surrounding farms in exchange for protection, but now that all the Castle guards are dead no one is paying cheddar because there is no protection.

And we need cheddar to hire guards to make people pay us cheddar again so we can afford to hire the guards we need to get the cheddar from them.

I guess I will have to do all the protecting that an entire regiment of guards usually does.

I am such a good king.



I head out to find a farm to protect.



THIS SOUNDS INTERESTING

...You kept your wrist irons?

BUT OH BOY MAGICAL BEASTS. they need face smashing.

what quest did you have to achieve to get that boat and how come I haven't bumped into it? (The quest, I mean)

Just about everything I've done so far has been through proletariats, meaning it isn't part of the main game.

If you want to get the boat you have to download the mod.

Wrist irons are quite useful for mage characters/unarmored characters actually. They have zero weight and don't count as armor, and you can dump a lot of enchantments on them.

my character always wears his wrist irons, Bacon










always

I like the wrist irons because they weigh nothing.

same with mage's hood

I did not know you could enchant the irons.

I feel so informed now.

Yup. Best part is you can put some horrible enchantment on any 0-weight stuff (IE: Fire Damage), and reverse-pickpocket them into some unfortunate NPC's inventory. The general result:

NPC: What is this? A new thing in my pocket I've never seen before?

NPC: HOLY DANGS ITS ENCHANTED

NPC equips the item-o'death

NPC: OH LORD THE PAIN FROM FIRE. BUT AT LEAST I LOOK STYLISH WITH A FANCY ENCHANTED THING!

[spoiler]NPC: With my last breath, I CURSE ZOIDBERG![/spoiler]