AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Yes, I can still fish if it's the first method of catching Pokemon I use on a new route. If I find something new in tall grass, I can't fish in that area, though. For example, I can't go back to Pallet Town later and fish because I already got Kamak there, but if I make it to Celadon City later, I can forgo the Game Corner if I so choose and fish in the little pond there.

As for the Safari Zone, regular rules still apply. I get one shot at the first new Pokemon I find.

This episode was supposed to be up earlier, but I closed my computer and forgot to save what I'd written so far and I'M PRETTY FUCKING MAD ABOUT IT.

Episode Five: Pewter City Science



Pewter City, huh. As in the metal? As in gray and boring? Should be a hoot.



Man they are REALLY driving in this message that you should make other people do all the hard work for you.



OH JOY

HAVING FUN HERE ALREADY

Hopefully the shopping is decent at least.



Based on that forest I just went through, Bug Catchers are quite bodaciously the worst hobbyists ever.



Wait, there's a gym here?

Well shit, shopping can wait! I've gotta get some badges to start up my sweet club and make Duke look like a pathetic loser.

Not that he hasn't already done that himself.



Oh man when does Kamak learn Kamehameha and Instant Transmission?



Great, so that makes me King Kai.

Queen Kai.

Whatever.



Funny, I didn't even know wild Pokemon used Facebook.

*Ba dum tish*



OK, I get how sleep, paralysis, and I guess poison work, but, uhh....burn?

One of these things is not like the others.



Not to worry, tiny madam, I've got a feeling luck is on my side.

Except catching Noff. That was a fluke.

Sorry Noff.



WHAT



You're not the best listener, are you?



OK, fine, geez, I was just going to ask if you have any gum.

Sheeeeeeesh.



EXCUSE YOU THERE IS A PRETTY GIRL TALKING TO YOU.

BETTER WAKE THE FUCK UP SON.



That's funny, my singing usually wakes people up!



I'm going to draw some dicks on his face and you take the fall for it, OK, Jigglypuff?

Cool.



DUDE WHY

Clefairy is like a million times cuter! Get your priorities straight!



You're getting the better deal, honestly.



Oh, I see your game. You sly dog! Well, I can appreciate someone who knows how to manip-uhh, take advantage of a situation.



Now I want a Clefairy. I wonder if I could offer that guy Noff for his?

Sorry Noff.



....Did you say something?



I feel like we're moving along in this relationship a little too quickly here!



You can't put labels on me, lady.

CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE



Well, I haven't gotten any of my Pokemon violently murdered yet, so I think that's good?



Jesus, give me two seconds and I'll tell you!



Oh

Uhh

This...isn't really what I was expecting.

I wonder if I could.....?



FUCK. YES.

I'm so fancy

You already know



I don't think I really need to make a joke for this one.



Yeah, like first things first, I'm the realest.



Let's get drunk at the mini bar!

OK, enough of that.



If it has anything to do with Bug Pokemon, I won't be held responsible for my actions.



Uhh....but there's not any tall.... You know what, you can waste your cheddar however you want.



I KNEW IT

GOD I'm bored. Where's that gym at? I want go fight something.



Senpai notices you.



This is the most serious business.

No one tampers with science on my watch!



No time for that! I'll have to take care of this one myse-



Uhh

Yes?

At least that's what everybody else thinks.



Yeah OK but actually-



Uhh

Help?

Anybody?

I'm being taken against my will here!



Why is nobody doing anything about this?!?

This guy won't let me leave!

Where are those police officers I just read about?!?!?

I NEED AN ADULT



OK GREAT WE'RE AT THE GYM CAN I GO NOW



Thankfully I managed to sneak away when that guy turned his back.

Not yet, but I'll put it on the list.



OK, but science is in dange-



GOD DAMMIT NOT AGAIN



The citizens of this town seem oddly complacent about child abduction.



Yeah, I'm about 90% sure this qualifies as extortion.



Well, in order to save science, I suppose I should learn some science first.



I'll have you know this cheddar carries the stain of child abduction.

And I think that's a coffee stain there.



Nah, I just felt like being charitableOF COURSE I WANT IN



Looks like the kind of dinosaur that murders little girls' parents, and then the little girl becomes a bounty hunter.

What, nobody else gets that impression?



Right, because now you've gotten to meet me!

It's a pretty big honor.

No flash photography, please.



Oh.

Well, I mean, that's cool, too...



OK, that's exactly what the last one said.

THIS IS NOT SCIENCE



Clefairy or GTFO



I asked my daddy to call home once in a while, but we don't always get what we want.



Way to set the bar low, DAD

You're the reason Mom cries every night!

Oh, sorry, I think I got you mixed up with someone else.



You know what? I don't even want to see it.

I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED OF YOUR SCIENCE, SIR

But no, actually, I want to see it.



I didn't even say anything. You started this train of thought, you fucking weirdo.



It's from the MOON, which automatically makes it more awesome than your average rock.



Or it just....fell on Mt. Moon. That's not nearly as cool.

God, I'm having my science dreams ruined all over the place today.



The day the Kanto region gained its independence!



FUCK

I knew that was Cinco de Mayo, I just knew it!



You bought a color TV for the news? Way to set the bar low, Grandpa!

You're the reason Mom-aww, dammit, I did it again.



CLEFAIRY CONFIRMED FOR BEST POKEMON



Well, obviously they think meteorites are kickass, too.



All right, enough dicking around.

LET'S DO THIS



*Snirkt*

Time to call your doctor, dude. It's been more than four hours.



Yes who are you though?



Yes but why are you evading my questions?



OOOOOO-K then.

Hit me with it, man.



You seem like a highly reliable and not at all creepy source.



Yeah, you get to help me if you promise to stop saying stuff nobody says.



Are

Are you serious right now.



DUDE I HAVE FIVE POKEMON

KINDA KNEW THIS ALREADY



GEE, I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.

You are so fired.

All right, I don't need his help anyways, let's do this.



Don't you fucking dare say in the name of love.



Except actually he's like two squares in front of me.



Apparently this kid doesn't like me questioning his measurements.



Let's see how this thing likes your new move, Kamak baby.



Answer: Not. At. All.



One down, one to go!



But first, Kamak needs MORE POWER.



Well, if this Pokemon is anything like the first one, then this should be-



OH MY GOD I WANT ONE

OH MY GOD LOOK AT ITS LITTLE FACE

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD



FUCK WHY DO WE HAVE TO KILL IT



I'm actually feeling a bit of remorse about this one!



Jesus, slow down there, slugger! You don't need to get swole as FUCK so quickly!



Well, that is indeed an appropriate response.



And finally, finally, we get some real science today.



I'm sorry, were you expecting me? I think you might be confusing me for that nice lady outside. She was with some guy in a tacky outfit.



*SNIRRRKKT*

OK, you ALL need to go see a doctor right now.



For the love of god, stop saying rock hard, I can't take this.



YOU DON'T SAY

Oh, by the way, can we fight or whatever?



A bit presumptuous, are we? I can assure you, I don't know much of anything!

Don't take that out of context.



Trainer's honor = plot



Bro, you're barely worth my third best.

But also I really just want to beat your smartass self as quickly as possible.



IT'S GO TIME



That

That's it?

Really?



And here I was imagining you were going to do some crazy shit and make me ask a bunch of existential questions about how much I care about my Pokemon.



But absolutely destroying your team works too.



Good lord, Kamak, save some for everybody else!



Now who's this motherfucker?



Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE

Sorry, couldn't help myself.



I think we're just about done here.



Oops I think you died.



You did two points of damage to Kamak that entire match.

Truly a stunning battle.



And what a hard fought battle it was.



A small part of me is glad you didn't go for the obvious pun, and yet....I long for it.




Fuckin SWEET



One step closer to the cool kid's club, aww yisss.



Badge = swole as FUCK????????



Hey look, buddy, I don't know what kind of girl you think I am.



Yeah, how about no? My Pokemon still have their decency.



Well, I've never said no to presents before.

I can in no way see that leading me into trouble.



Thanks, but I already have a calculator back at home. It can do math with letters!



AWWW SHIT, I think Kamak's learning Kamehameha!



That's kind of exactly what you just said, but OK!



daisies, looks like Cori's stuck with Galick Gun then.



Haha, yeah, could you even imagine accidentally teaching Noff Kamehameha?

Sorry Noff.



I'm not familiar with that technique. Which episode was that again?



Can't I just teach my Pokemon to throw rocks at things until they stop moving entirely?

Well, thanks anyways. Now before we wrap things up here, it's time for the most important part.



Shopping spree~

Or you could just be Kamak and gain levels like nothing.



You know what, I think you're right. I bet Noff has lots of potential.

Sorry Noff.

Oh, oops. That's getting to be a force of habit.



I'm sure there was an entirely different way you could have worded that.



Outrageous! That's like 10x as much as fake science costs!



Enough dallying! We'll need more Poke Balls to ensure that Noff gets a suitable waifu on the next route.



We'll also pick up some assorted drugs as well, because you never know.



These are FDA approved right?



I think we're done here in Pewter City. Next time, let's go see if we can't protect the sanctity of science in Mt. Moon. See you then!

I request to be the HM slave in this playthrough.

I will cut all the trees.

Sorry for the short unintended hiatus, I've had a lot going on this past week. I'm going to try to get a new episode out tomorrow.

pop flyin' day after New Year’s! To celebrate, have some Wedlocke!

Episode Six: Noff's Marital Problems



Hello and welcome back to another installment of DUCHESS IS THE FUCKING BEST AT POKEMON.

We beat up nerds at the Whiny Bitch-type Gym and got the Whiny Bitch Badge, so let's move on the next route, shall we?



Hey, look, it's the grad student! How's finals week treating you?

.....What's the gun for?



Hahaha, this guy thinks he's caught up to me.

Only in physical distance, pal.



OH FUCK ME ANOTHER PACKAGE

I SWEAR TO GOD I AM BURNING DOWN A FED-EX AFTER THIS ADVENTURE



Oh.

This one's for me.

Well, clearly I am the best Parcel Mistress!



Can't run in no 6 inch heels. We'll save those for the next time we meet up with Duke.

Gotta look fabulous when we beat the shit out of him.



So basically everywhere then. I....don't really feel like that caveat was necessary!

(OK so I actually can't run and capture footage at the same time, so let's all just use our imaginations~)



Uh oh

Back to the lab ag-dammit, I already made that joke.



Later bro. Say hi to Professor Oak or whatever.



This had better not be what I think it is.



Shit.



SHIT



SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT



OH OK THANK GOD



Let's go see if some other scrubs want to lose a Pokemon battle.

I could normally climb this knee-high ledge, but I had Taco Bell for lunch and you know how that goes.



Of course not! I'm a girl! That automatically means I'm incapable of any sort of sexual deviance!



Oh, I see. You just hate me because I'm a feminist, do you?



Let's teach them not to let the patriarchy rule, Cori.

Don't get distracted by the fact that your opponent is female! Or facts at all, really!



Hey! How dare you hit a lady!



Now go pray to the virgin goddess Artemis and think about what you've done, you male-supporting shitlord.



I guess anything worth doing is worth doing twice, huh?

Even if it wasn't worth doing in the first place.



And now apparently Cori is being haunted by the ghosts of her dead species.



Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.



Foe Pidgey is kind of a dick.



DOUBLE KILL



Fuck, you guys.

I'm mean.

Time to rethink my life.

Sniff....

All right, who's next?



Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

ANOTHER ONE OF THESE ASSHOLES



GOD. DAMMIT.

THERE CANNOT ONLY BE FOUR BUG TYPE POKEMON IN THE WORLD.



Just get these nerds out of here and don't get poisoned, D-vid.



Dude, you had ONE JOB.



Unfortunately, this is going to reflect poorly on your annual performance review.



All right, let's try this again!



Oh gosh oh gee will it be Weedle?

Another Caterpie?

Metapod?

GASP

KAKUNA?

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS



And yet somehow you still picked the WORST option!



OK, let's keep the trend going of not giving a shit about Poison Sting.



AWW YISSSSS



We'll just forget about that little mishap from before and call it even, OK, pumpkin?

Now get back to work.



And now we'll DEFINITELY be cutting out that 2 hit KO crap, right?



God it never ends, does it?



It's like Groundhog Day with fucking Bug Pokemon.



OK, fine, get that out of your system before you die.



Second verse, same as the first.



Actually, I think I like this verse a little better!



Man, this IS Groundhog Day. Which would make me Bill Murray, and I am 100% OK with that.



Take note: This is not how you pick up girls.



Because those other articles of clothing are FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to figure out.



Already 1000000000 times better than the last fight.



Was this really necessary? I mean there's no way D-vid's going to outspeed you.



Shit, this is actually making me slightly nervous!

Laugh all you want, but Rattatas are no joke right now!



Just.....just try not to die, little man.



OK, great! Get yourself another level for not getting yourself killed!



Doth mine eyes deceive me? A NEW Pokemon?

Is it my birthday?



Fantastic, this one's an asshole right out of the gate!



Let's let your waifu handle Cobra Commander over there.



Are we talking like a chicken wrap here or what's the idea?

I'll take one if you're offering.



OH OK DEADLY HUGS GOT IT



Crisp isn't really the touchy feely type.



Jesus, that might have been an understatement!



I ain't even mad that this bitch is yet another thing trying to poison us. My whole team's got wicked antibodies.



I ain't even mad. Not even a little bit-



FUCK

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER



This could be bad. This is pretty much the opposite of could be good. Like the exact opposite.



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-



Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit



Nononononononononononononononono not like this, Crisp!



You better live through this or I swear to god I will kill you!



OK HE'S GONE

CHRIST ALMIGHTY



NOW STOP GIVING ME HEART ATTACKS



Hey girl

Do you know karate

'Cause your body's kickin'

And also because you learned Karate Chop.



YEAH ME EITHER YOU LITTLE SHIT



Well.... It looks like our era of not giving a single fuck about poison has come to an end.

Sigh...... I miss those good old days.









But yeah, you're still gonna lose.



THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE



God daisies girl, slow down! Give the other Rattata a chance to respond at least!



Yeah, that was probably a bad choice for a final attack.



Oh you cheeky bastard. Your Quick Attack is quicker than my Quick Attack.



Jesus fuck that did a lot of damage though.



You'll catch up to your husbando before you know it.



Another new Pokemon?!?

Oh Santa, you shouldn't have!



Let's see if this thing dies any faster than the last one.



OH GOD DAMMIT



I see your game. This was a fairly well-planned trap.



Now is really not the time to suddenly start caring about poison, Cori!



I'm gonna need like 5 aspirin after this episode.



Yeah no fuck this. You did your best, but it's not your time to die.



No more poison bull shit for you!



Unfortunately, Kamak's baby move is probably going to do more than Vine Whip would.



No! booty shaking is Kamak's one weakness!



Just kidding, you're dead now.



Boy, you sure changed your feelings about me quickly.

I don't think this relationship is going to work out.



You know, sometimes trends don't need to go away, Cori.



You should at least offer to buy me dinner first.



AND THUS THE CYCLE CONTINUES



Bugs are of course known for being mostly unimpressed by martial arts, but Scratch should work just fine.



Bugs are also known having Trainers that don't know how to battle.



Finally, bugs are known for being weak as hell and dying super easily.

Sorry Noff.



Oh man I can't wait to see your SWEET HARDEN STRATS BRO



You'll get a chance to show off your black belt skills soon, my darling.



OH SHIT HARDEN

I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL



So anyways, on to the next one.



Couldn't have called this one.

You're REALLY throwing me through a loop here with your choices in Pokemon.



God, this one's a LOWER LEVEL THAN THE OTHER CATERPIES.



I'm just gonna check Instagram or something, you guys keep killing each other or whatever.



Apparently Crisp is so bored that she wanted to end this fight early.



And the last one is.....drum roll please.....



What a shocking development.



I wonder harden what harden new and harden exciting harden moves this one harden will hit harden me with harden?



Christ, let's see what's on DeviantArt.

You did this Metapod.

YOU MADE ME GO TO DEVIANTART.



Can we be done with Bug Catchers forever now? Please? Seriously?



Oh my god.

Oh my god one of these asshats finally said something sensible!

It really IS my birthday, isn't it?!?!?



Uuuuugh.



Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.



Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.



UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.



I swear I will singlehandedly make Bug Pokemon go extinct if it makes you people stop using these fucking things.

Sorry Noff.



This is what hell is. I'm convinced. My soul will be eternally damned to fight Bug-types.



Are we done yet?



Thank Christ Mary Buddha Mohammed Vishnu Xenu Aphrodite Flying Spaghetti Monster Mahatma Gandhi Abraham Lincoln Winston Churchill and whatever deities I forgot to mention.



Fucked like a dollar hooker. And just about as satisfying.



Now then, where were weGRASS

NEW BABY

NOFF'S WAIFU

GO GO GO GO GO



Aww, you're not a waifu!

Which is a shame, I kind of want you, too!

Let's try this again.



Oh....another bird.....yay...?



Hey, I'll take you anyways.



OK, we are having a staff meeting about this soon.



Hmm.... Yeah, you look just about maimed enough.



GET CAUGHT FUCKER



No, that's actually not what I wanted. Open up those ears.



I said.....



GET. CAUGHT.



Good old Pokedex giving me mixed feelings about my new little pumpkin.



And thus she was named Angelic and she and Noff were wed at once!

Sound the trumpets!



And a neutral nature, too. Luckily, with my patented swole as FUCK training method, we won't have to worry about that!





All right, less flirting, more fighting.



Oh dear lord, I have become that which I hate most.



Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.



And it feels SO GOOD.

When it's not happening to me, anyway.



I really hope that's not a sign of Rollouts to come.



Hahahaha oh man that is satisfying.

LET IT FESTER INSIDE YOU.



Well, let's see what you can actually do with this, Noff.



OH WHAT IS THIS HORSESHIT.



God dammit, Noff, this isn't Monty Python!

Don't be afraid of 5!



Yesssss, continue using your pointless moves.

LET THE POISON DO MY WORK FOR ME.



Oh come on, Noff, you JUST met your waifu! Show some dignity!



I'm sensing some deep marital distress in the future.



Ooh, Mariah Carey, my favorite!



YOU MAY PUT MY BADASS BEE TO SLEEP.

BUT HIS TOXIC POWERS WILL SOON PUT YOU IN A DEEPER SLEEP.



No but for real, wake the fuck up, dude.



Or just take a break, that's cool.



Yesssss, this is it!



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ahem.

Uhh, this battle may have gotten a little dark.



Oh fuck you, I'm the most exciting thing that's happened to you all week.



Well, Noff can tell you that SLEEPING ON THE JOB IS APPARENTLY AN OK THING TO DO.



Cerulean? Is this the whisperings of new shopping centers I hear?

Let's get a move on, already, that little satin number at Neiman Marcus ain't gonna buy itself!



But first, we have to rescue science!

daisies you, Team Rocket and your screwing up my priorities!



No, I got it from a public garbage canOF COURSE I DID, WHERE ELSE?



Cool and respected = Cocky and full of it



Well, keep working hard and someday you might have your own Whiny Bitch gym too.



Well, good going! In my experience, it's probably halfway dead now!



Don't forget to list all the groceries you need to buy out loud, too.



I find this objectionable.

I must carry ALL MY BABIES with me at all times.



Oh how could I say no to THIS guy.



Now that I think about it, didn't someone warn me about a scam artist selling shitty Pokemon?

You haven't seen that guy around, have you?



Maybe later. I haven't quite decided if it's worth waiting a little longer for a bottle of Estee Lauder.



Hey man, I have NEEDS. Perfume needs!



Oh no. TELL ME LANE BRYANT SURVIVED.



What, are you watching Fox News recycle the same story every day?



BLASPHEMY



Well, I did have a Tamagotchi when I was little and that pet turned out all right, so why not?



It's a comment.



Maybe I'll get a reward for rescuing science, so let's do this!



I think I know just what to name you.



Welcome aboard, Riku!



And by welcome aboard I mean sit in a box until I need you.



D'aww, she so shy....

And not the comeliest thing I've ever owned.

You...uh....you just sit tight.

(I decided to buy Magikarp because it counts as a Route 4 catch, I'd rather have Gyarados than anything else I could catch on the other side of Route 4, and now I can catch more varied things whenever I decide to fish.)



I took some time to set up the gang on my swole as FUCK training regimen.

We have to be absolutely prepared in order to rescue science as efficiently as possible.



Well excuse me for wanting to show off my femininity!



Ha, I've got one of those, and while Angelic is pretty great, this is nothing to worry-



about.....

Uhh

Hmm

This actually might be trouble. All of my pairs have one member who wouldn't take too kindly to Peck.



Luckily, Cori's got a new toy to play with!

(That I forgot to record DERP. Hyper Fang has like 80 Power, I think? Something fucking ridiculous like that for this point in the game.)



Good lord, I would not want to go up against Cori now.



Well, that was cute. Now, my little sweetie, would you do the honors?



AWW YEEEEEAAAAH



FUCKIN REKT



I savor those words....

Tell me about the superior bottom wear now!



Well then, next time, we'll see what awaits us inside Mt. Moon Moon!

God dammit Mt. Moon Moon....

Later!

I-eth comand-eth that-eth you-eth name-eth thy thou next-eth Poket Monster after me-eth.
Eeeeeeetttttttthhhhh.

How do you take those screen shots? The best I can do is play in a dark room with a camera.

Marcato is able to take those high-quality screenshots because the game is being played on an emulator

I've actually got the next 6 episodes recorded, but I'll name one after you soon. Also everybody else who gave me requests, I've seen them and I'm working on it. Thanks for your patience.

As for how I record, yeah, what Aquabat said.

Thanks and thanks.

is wedlocke kill

HEY GUESS WHAT

KATIE FUCKED UP AGAIN

So I added a lot of optional rules to this playthrough in order to challenge myself. Turns out I added so many that I ended up making it pretty much impossible to beat. Especially during really crucial fights where Trainers don't have the same four Pokemon(i.e. Gary/Duke). And I don't mean the RNG screwed me over and I couldn't recover. I mean like impossible from the start. The rules I imposed unbalanced the game AGAINST me, and you don't really want to see me lose, do you?

OK some of you jerks might.

The point is, I'm still going to finish this, I just need to start over again and make some changes to the rules so that this Wedlocke is actually beatable. Most of the old rules remain, but I'm going to keep my battle style on Switch and only allowing myself ONE healing item and ONE status recovery item PER BATTLE. TOTAL. I think that's still pretty strict and probably still putting me at a disadvantage?

New episode coming soon~