AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Post times you were on the brink of serious injury or death. Why? Because the psychological trauma can at least make an entertaining story.

I got a couple although my memory is vague, so I'll start out with the earliest I can remember since I'm tired to exhaustion anyway. I was in elementary school during recess and wearing a scarf. Our games those days were pretty rough and usually consisted of fighting. As a prank, the biggest kid there janked on the ends of my scarf so it tightened like a noose. Not one to panic, I managed to convince the kid that I actually couldn't breath and he tries to undo the knot. This was proving rather difficulty, and quickly the rest of the playground gathered around, telling me that I was turning purple. Where the supervisors were at that time I have no idea. Eventually the kid managed to undo the knot though, right at the time I was starting to become light-headed. Would have been one fucking stupid way to bite the dust.

The closest thing I've ever had to a near death experience was a couple of months ago.

I was swimming in the community pool and my coach was like "Hey Ian, I bet you could go two laps without taking a breath", and I was pretty positive I could, so I went for it. Right towards the end though, I was getting really low on air, so my instincts just kind of tried to take over and I took a breath underwater, which basically is how you start drowning.

I immediately came out and started just vomiting all the water out.

So yeah, it was pretty scary.

Not my story, exactly. Once, when I was younger, like... 6 maybe? My family was at my aunt's house for some party in the summer. They had a pool and things were very busy because there were so many people there. The adults were cooking and playing basketball and whatever, and a few of them were sitting poolside but none of them were actually swimming. Anyway, my cousins were basically in charge of my sister and I because they were older and could take care of us. My sister was about 3-4 years old, and neither of us could actually swim. I had an inner tube and my sister was on a pool noodle, with our cousins watching us and pulling us around in the pool to get us in and out.

At one point, I'm just floating around, doing my own thing, and I see my sister's bathing suit a few feet under the water because it's a really vibrant PANK. I remember my first thought was "Nicole is running around without her bathing suit, I should bring it back to mom." So I reached in and started pulling it up, and for some reason it's really heavy, so I pull harder, and as it gets closer to the surface, I realize with pure shock that my sister is still in the bathing suit. She starts struggling and flailing as I pull her out, and I start freaking out and call over my cousin to help me because I can't hold her out of the water while she's flipping out and gasping for air and kicking everywhere. We got her onto a pool raft and carted her out, and she lived.

Apparently she had gotten out of the pool with my cousins, and they took off her water wings. She immediately jumped back in the pool and they couldn't find her. I guess they went to find an adult or something, but they left her alone. It still freaks me out because if I had been a minute later she would have been dead or brain-damaged, no doubt about it. She wasn't even trying to swim anymore, which was why I thought that it was just a bathing suit. I couldn't even see her limbs because they weren't as bright as the suit. Jesus christ, it was so lucky that I even noticed her when I did.

Three years ago I rolled my SUV and tore my arm up, luckily that's all that happened. I remember my head at least touching the caved-in roof, so it was pretty fucking close.

A long, long time ago, a couple of asshole kids almost drowned me in a kiddie pool. I don't even remember why they did it.

I once almost got run over by a car while walking over a zebra crossing.
And my grandparents say I once somehow managed to get the cable of a lamp around my neck.

Pushed the button for the crosswalk, got distracted by a shiny as light turned green, got to see two cars making turns at the same time and perfectly crushing where I would have been right between them.

The rest of the walk home was a bit jittery.

I've had a few.

My biggest "dumbass" moment came from when I woke up 10 minutes before school started one day. My alarm clock that I had for over 10 years finally used up the last of the battery. So I got up, asked my brother (who moved back in with us at the time) to make me a sandwich while I got dressed so I had something to eat. I got dressed, half groggy, had the paper plate in my hand, giant backpack on my back, and we're rushing out the door to the car so he can drop me off.

I head down the stairs and the plate flexes. I bend forward and finagle my hand to bend the plate, so the sandwich doesn't fall.

Unfortunately, I've unbalanced myself at the stairs, since my backpack is pushing my back which is leaned forward, and I begin to fall.

The next thing I know, I'm on my booty sitting with my sandwich in one hand and my brother is freaking out asking me if I'm okay. Apparently I did a complete roll down the stairs forward, but I didn't black out... it just went too fast to comprehend. I didn't hurt myself, but he though I smashed my head on the stairs. Had no pain or anything though. It's like I tumbled in the air.

The other two NDE's happened in hospitals, and I'll probably talk about them later.

I was reading a comic while walking down some stairs when I was a kid (can't recall how old, at least 10 I guess), but the stairs didn't have a rail or something. So at the top of the stairs, I walk off of them since I'm incredibly zoned out when I read and fall head-first down. I remember trying to catch myself with my arms, but I was still out cold and in the hospital for a day or so. No lasting injuries though, just a concussion and some bruises.

Sweet let me get my list.

The earlyest I can say was my last near death was when I was 14 right after school started. I contracted this weird stomack pain that kept me up all night, and it grew so painful as morning came that I couldnt eat. As soon as I got off the bus I imidiatly threw up.

During the day I was completly fine, but during the night I was in so much pain, and for at least 2 weeks I couldnt sleep nor eat.

I went to two doctors during this time, the first one was a dumb booty and didnt know what the fuck was going on with me, and the second one figured out it was a stomack migrane and gave me the most heavy duty pain killers ever.

Because I was in so much pain all the time, I could hardly walk, and whenever I tryed to eat something I would imidiatly throw up back up.

I was so scared I would either starve to death or just die from the pain.

Guess I got lucky that I survived that ordeal.

I had salmonella when I was really young, almost died of it and had to be hospitalized.
Almost choked on some candy when I was 10.
I was go-karting and my kart went out of control when I was 12 or something.
And that's all from me.

I had heavy peritonitis when I was 9. I was rushed to the hospital on December 31st of 1999 and they performed surgery on me in the hour following my arrival. I had surgery two more times in the following week. I spent a bit more than a month recovering. I still have three big-booty scars on my belly.

I so want to know if one of you guys actually "saw the light" or something like that once.

Floridian Fire Ants.

In high school, we were having a 4 star Coast Guard admiral visiting, and was going to arrive by helicopter. I was in writing class when I thought I heard a loud lawn mower getting close to our class window. Then I look out the window to see helicopter skis fly across. This classroom is on the first floor. We hear a loud crunch and see a police pilot stagger back past the window. He bailed out right after we saw him fly by, hitting a fence. Then after a long silence, the class clown (who was wearing a sombrero at the time) says "so I guess we don't have to take that quiz today?" Turns out by complete coincidence, a police helicopter with a trainee pilot had an engine failure and tried to land on the football field, but crashed when he hit the bike rack. everyone thought the admiral who was supposed to visit was In the helicopter, but his flight was diverted to a local airport instead.