Good evening, jerks. Today, I come to you with a message. A delivery, if you will. Sadly, this is not some kind of late Christmas gift, nor some kind of obscure New Years gift coming from the kind of weirdo who gives gifts for every holiday.
No, this is more akin to a sort of Christmas curse, a way to start the year on the wrong foot so that the right one will perhaps gain more confidence to stride boldly forward.
This is "
Reply All".
"Woah there Zink, my good friend" you may be saying in a posh British accent whilst adjusting your monocle, "Did you not already make a thread for bad webcomics? Would it not make more sense to add your surely witty and hilarious criticism to that thread rather than creating a new one?"
In ordinary circumstances, I would entirely agree with you. However, you are incorrect about one certain assumption: that this is a bad webcomic. It isn't a bad webcomic. It's a bad newspaper comic.
That's right. This gets published. This gets published EVERY DAY. In NEWSPAPERS.
At this point, your monocle may have fallen off of your eye as you stare in shock, mouth agape. Sure, you may be thinking, newspaper comics my be funny about as often as one sees a blue moon in Feburary, but usually at least the art is better than -this-! But be brave, fellow internetican. For only by learning from the mistakes of the incompetent can we possibly learn how not to suck in the future. Also, things that aren't very good are pretty fun to make fun of.
Hang on to your hats. Here we go.
Here in strip number two, we are introduced to our two main characters. Lizzie, who is the weirdo with the orange-ish hair who looks like she is going bald on the left side of her head, and what's-her-face, whose black hair seems to be trying to actively escape from her scalp.
This is the third main character. Her name is "who even cares' and her hair looks like one of those disguises where you basically just tape a bunch of sticks and bushes to your head.
She is INCOGNITO.
You may notice by now that the humor is quite nearly non-existent. So far, it's mostly just "OH MAN look at those people saying things that may or may not be relatable to how I think and/or act, I recognize it and therefore it is funny".
Which, to be fair, describes most newspaper comics.
Things are starting to get a little bit more arcane, however.
Here we see Lizzie and What's-Her-Face sitting at a table holding enormous wooden goblets, likely celebrating their latest viking victory.
For some reason, What's-Her-Face is glad Lizzie's date stood her up, as this means she gets to be starving. Apparently.
Notice how Lizzie's pupils seem to have become dissastified with their current life inside of her eyes, and are currently attempting to climb their way up her skull to make their new home on the bald side of her face.
Here is yet another character. It is Lizzie's mother who is a phone.
The joke is that she's really not very good at technology and overly concerned with her daughter's life.
Get used to that joke because it's going to be the only one you'll see associated with Mom Who Is A Talking Phone.
Here, we see Lizzie going on for way too many panels about how much she likes popcorn. Notice how panels one, two, three, and four are all exactly the same and clearly copied and pasted except for the zoom and Lizzie's malformed eyes. Now THAT'S quality!
To be honest, I'm not really sure what the joke here is. That she likes popcorn and also someone called her? And it's funny because she said she was thinking about them but she actually liked popcorn instead? SHRUG.
This one, at least, has a tangible joke and a slightly understandable, if a bit dated, punchli- JESUS CHRIST LOOK AT THOSE SOULLESS BLACK EYES IN PANEL THREE
RUN LIZZIE THAT DEMON IS GOING TO DEVOUR YOUR CRUDELY DRAWN SOUL WHOLE
RUUUN.
Anyway, the demon finishes reverting to human form, and this continues in a sort of half-assed story arc.
I'm posting these two together because, really, they're the exact same strip. The Demon says "Oh man lizzie you should block that e-mail" and Lizzie responds "nope I am going to say something is somehow redeeming about the e-mail because that is unexpected and therefore comedy".
The author liked that formula so much she used it twice.
By the way, every time you can tell that a panel is only a slightly altered version of the previous one, I strongly recommend you DO NOT take a shot. I mean, I know making up stupid drinking games is kind of a "thing" I do in these threads, but really, with this one you'll be having to take shots faster than what is physically possible.
Anyway this is funny because she is talking on a phone and it is annoying hahahaahaMOVING ON
Apparently old people are known for laughing quietly and not talking much?
Isn't that, like, the -opposite- of the stereotype? Shouldn't they be loud and rude or something, and also not laughing quietly at what she says because they can't hear?
Something tells me this was just the author's way of showing off that she knows what the word "octogenarian" means, because that is a word actual real people use instead of just saying "80 year old".
You may, at first, think the joke here is that Lizzie is turning down a date for a mediocre T.V. show. However, you'd be wrong! Look closely at the phone. That's right, it isn't a phone at all! It is simply two black blocks precariously taped to the side of her face.
OH, LIZZIE
The author got a LOT of use out of the copy/paste tool with this one.
Also, what's-her-face's purse is more detailed than everything else and this really bothers me for some reason. I guess I've just become so enthralled with the story of Reply All that such inconsistencies are unignorable to me.
OH MAN THAT CRAZY WHAT'S-HER-FACE
ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT FOOD
THIS IS FUNNY WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING.
wait is it just me or is What's-Her-Face sitting atop some kind of smoked ham?
They're both wrong, actually. It'd be more accurate to say that Lizzie looks something like what'd happen if MS Paint were to become sentient and attempt to break into the fashion industry.
Now, there are two possible jokes in this one.
One is merely the fact that "impossibly fat" is shoved into that otherwise normal yoga description
The other is that the artist is somehow aware of how anatomically abysmal her art is and is making fun of it by showing all these crazy yoga things that Lizzie shouldn't be able to do with her proportions.
What the fuck is up with Lizzie's mouth in the second panel
It is like it's opening the WRONG WAY or something, like she is attempting to talk to someone behind her without turning around.
Also, I just became aware of how much Lizzie's Lips look like the top and bottom bun of a burger. Maybe this whole thing is supposed to be a subliminal advertisement for McDonald's.
Notice how, in these "Mom-The-Phone" comics, Lizzie always talks in speech bubbles while Mom-The-Phone always talks in non-bubbles attached to the phone by steel wool or something? In this particular one the author forgets her -own rules- and uses the squiggly line thing for something Lizzie is saying.
QUALITY CONTROL AT ITS FINEST.
This joke was almost something until the author decided in the last panel "fuck it, I'm just going to go ahead and explain the joke to everyone".
A more accurate profile would be "mutant and malformed humanoid whose interest include making really cliche jokes and trying to make sure my pupils don't escape again".
WHOOP random new character OUTTA NOWHERE.
...Actually, wait, he doesn't move in any of the panels. He doesn't even raise his oversized viking goblet for the toast! I guess he's actually a cardboard cutout, and Lizzie is just really pathetic.
Gotta admit, though, the "one eyebrow perpetually raised" thing is kinda creeping me the heck out.
Okay, so apparently this character with zero introduction is MAYBE Lizzie's boyfriend or something?
I'm not sure what the joke is here, actually. That he had a different date that cancelled so he has to call Lizzie instead? That Lizzie was SUPPOSED to be his date but she's refusing in a really ambiguous way? That nothing really makes sense in this comic so I'm wasting my time trying to figure it out?
Yet another joke involving the appreciation of unhealthy food over healthy food, something that isn't completely overdone or- OH GOD HELP US THE DEMON IS BACK
HOIST THE RICHES AND STASH THE CHILDREN, WE MUST MAKE OUR RETREAT AT ONCE
AT
ONCE
Something tells me that the only reason What's-Her-Face brings up the big chairs is because the author accidentally drew them way too big and decided to replace the punchline with an acknowledgement of that to avoid looking like even more of a bad artist.
Too bad it didn't help.
Okay, really, who actually holds a mug like that? Seriously, try holding a mug (even a large mug) with two hands like that and attempt drinking out of it without using the handle-thing at all without spilling hot beverages all over your now-horribly scarred face.
I dare you to stare at panel three without feeling like your very SOUL is being gazed upon by the hollow gaze of a poorly drawn humanoid.
It is impossible.
However, the gazes will stop for now, as we are done with the month of March, 2011 in terms of Reply All. Will we continue? That, friends, is up to you. That is, if you were actually my friends.
You aren't.
That said, whether or not we continue along with this particular abomination IS up to you guys. LET'S SEE WHERE THIS TRAINWRECK TAKES US.
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