AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Tell funny stories from various times in your life. Like that time Aunt Barbara slipped on a patch on ice and dropped the ENTIRE fruit salad. Best Christmas ever, I tell ya. I'll start us off:

When I was a Freshman in high school, I had a friend, let's call her Susan, who I knew from church. Susan was a Sophomore and one of the few people I knew at my new school, and we had band together. So after school one day, we were walking through the school parking lot towards her brother's car, just talking about whatever. Her brother sees me and gives me this glare that notified me that the police wouldn't be able to find all my body parts at once when he was done with me. He leans out the window shouting, "I'M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, FAGGOT, YOU LEAVE MY SISTER THE FUCK ALONE", etc. I backed off and headed home, kind of confused.

The next day in band, Susan comes up to me and says, "Jordan, I am so sorry about that. My brother thought you were Jeremy." (Yeah, let's call him that.) Jeremy was a kid also in band with us, and he was that one kid where even your parents thought he was a weird guy. It turns out that Jeremy was hitting on her and she really didn't appreciate it, so she was complaining to her brother about him. So he sees me walking with her through a parking lot, tries to put two and two together, and promptly threatens my life.

He never did apologize for it. I think he forgot it ever happened.

The summer before I started college, I had a trip to spend a bit over a week with my long-distance girlfriend in England. We broke up pretty early in the trip, an understandable response to the fact that after those ten days we would probably never see each other again. So it was a bit odd having to live in the same house as my ex for a number of days, but we got along well anyway and I at least still had a genuinely enjoyable time.

On what I believe was day 5 (of ten) we were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast, and somehow I had cause to utter the phrase, "well, don't you?" and her immediate response was to start dancing and sing Don't Cha, which lasted about two seconds before she realized what she was doing. I was laughing my booty off.

Then a few days later we were on a coach to London and I said, I believe "I've just drank two liters of water, how am I still thirsty?" and again, her response was immediate - she gestured at her body and said "well with me here, how could you not be?" Cue more profuse apologies met with laughter.

One time I'm waiting for the bus to go home from a day of school in college. The stop is on the major road near campus, so there are lots of students/student oriented shops there. Thus, it is an ideal place for street performers.

As I'm waiting, I see a guy across the street walk to a spot and set down an instrument case. I'm thinking from the size it's a trumpet or saxaphone.

Nope. It was an accordian.

So that was cool. He starts playing it. Actually, he's really good. He starts doing a relatively complicated piece. By now I'm thoroughly impressed. When all of a sudden...

He starts singing an aria. An opera aria. In Italian. And not just plain singing, I mean full on deep-voiced, well trained opera voice singing. Keep in mind that he looks to be about 20 and is performing on the sidewalk in a crowd of college kids.

I immediately resolved to cross the street and give him some cheddar but the bus chose that moment to arrive. To this day thinking about the Accordian Aria Guy makes me grin at how plain weird it was. Who was he? Where did he gain his skills? Is he still out there performing street operas? The world will never know.

My brother told me this funny story the other night, about how he met one of his friends:
This guy named Graham had been expelled from another school because he got in trouble during a science lab. See, he was heating a pair of tweezers over a bunsen burner, and then when he turned to show it to his friend, he had brushed it against a girl's arm, and blistered the shit out of her. So he got in super trouble from that with her parents and the school, so he had to move to our town with his checkered past.

Because he had a reputation as a delinquent, people avoided him a little, though he was talkative. In fact, he was a bit too talkative for my brother, and my brother described him as "cocky," and "wouldn't shut the hell up when we said 'shut the hell up.'" And so, my brother set about putting a plan together to mess with him some.

In the class they had together, my brother and his future friend, now enemy, were seated in the back of the class. My brother was seated to the right and one seat behind this guy, and my brother's two friends were situated to the right and behind him. This class also had one of those teachers who were filling in for a teacher on maternity leave, and she was the nicest person ever, and really fun too according to my brother. Everyone in the class loved her.

And so my brother wrote down the following on a piece of paper:
Hey, you know you're a fucking bitch, right? Everyone in this class hates you. We all know you weren't smart enough to get a real job. If I were as big a vapid cunt as you, I'd go over and lie down on the highway so I could get run over by a semi-truck. - Graham

And then he crumbled it up, and passed it over to his friend that was sitting behind his enemy, and told his friend to throw it at the teacher, and then they would all look at Graham like he had thrown it.

So that happened, and the teacher went, "Oh, you guys!" and picked up the note, opened it up and started reading out loud, "Hey, you know you're a..." She did a little gasp and put a hand to her mouth. She kept reading it a little more, and got more and more visibly upset. By the end, she started crying.

Everyone in the class started freaking the fuck out, and they all looked at Graham and yelled at him, "What did you do!?" and a couple of girls went up to the teacher to console her. One of my brother's friends whispered to him, asking him what was in that note, and my brother just did a little shrug and shushed him.

Graham was really goddamn confused this whole time, only able to offer up an "I didn't do anything!" whenever someone yelled at him. It got worse when the girls who had gone up to comfort the teacher had started reading the note, and soon they were going, "HOW COULD YOU, GRAHAM!?" and then one of them was like, "We should go tell the principal!" and another was like, "Yeah, someone go do that!"

The principal came in, read the note, jerked a thumb to the door and said, "Mr. Graham, I think we should go for a little walk to my office." Graham was rustled at this bullshit, for he hadn't done anything wrong, saying, "But I hadn't done anything wrong!" but then the teacher said with many tears, "Graham, I think it's best that you just... go."

So he got suspended for a couple of days. Once that had happened, my brother had stood up, and said to the teacher, "Ma'am, I don't know what was in that note, but you are the BEST teacher we have ever had. And don't ever forget that!"

The teacher smiled at him, saying, "Aww, thank you! Don't worry, I know that some people are just going to be bad eggs, but y'all are the best class I've ever had..." Her tears became pop flyin' tears, and the girls comforting her all gave her a group hug. Then Graham got fuckin' suspended for a week.

So, Graham wasn't stupid, and he eventually started putting things together: Those three people he had been sitting by had all kept telling him to shut the hell up whenever he was running his mouth, and one of them had thrown a note coming from his direction. But no one would believe him with his incredibly bad reputation, so his attempts at convincing people of the truth were going nowhere. However, while Graham didn't have many friends at this school, he did have one: this girl named Lindsey.

So he was going to his friend Lindsey's locker to tell her about the bullshit that had happened to him and who was really responsible. When he came about the corner to Lindsey's locker, he saw his friend Lindsey making out with her boyfriend, my brother. He looked at Lindsey and got all hopeful like a puppy, but then when he saw my brother, that hope kinda just died and his face went slack. My brother grinned at him and winked.

Graham fell onto his knees, and roared, "NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Lindsey went to see what was up with him, and he tried telling her what my brother had done. She didn't believe him, and asked my brother if he really had done that. He denied Graham's baseless accusations. Graham did an exasperated and drawn-out grunt, and stormed off. When he had gone out of sight, my brother started laughing and said, "Yeah, I totally did that."

And that's the story of how my brother met his friend Graham!

That's a pretty fucked up thing to do to a teacher, or anyone, really.

I know right? The funny part is that so many people believed that someone was actually stupid enough to write their name on that.

The moral of this tale is that you shouldn't be annoying when you don't have many friends and other people do.

My brother and Graham eventually became friends when the following happened:
After my brother gloated about what he had done to Graham to his face (with Graham calling him an asshole and going into how much trouble he got into for that), my brother and his friends were hanging out at the Duck pond They were all really into that Jack-booty movie that had just come out, and were doing stupid shit while videotaping it. Graham had wanted to join in on the fun, so picked up a 2x4, and went, "Hey guys, check this out. HEY, YOU STUPID DUCKS, GET OUTTA HERE!" and he threw the 2x4 at a group of ducks. It hit one of the ducks on the head with an audible "clonk," and the duck fell over.

My brother and his friends froze, and looked over at Graham. "Graham, you, uh, you just killed that duck. The hell, man?"

Then the Duck Lady, a lady who lived nearby and keeps dumb-booty kids from messing with the ducks, started running at them, shouting, "I SAW WHAT YOU DID! YOU MURDERED IT! I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE ON YOU FUCKERS!"

My brother and his friends took off for their cars, and as he was running, my brother had taken the tape out of the video camera, and started pulling the tape out of the cassette. He got in his friend's car with Graham, and they took off. My brother had even pulled the stringy shit inside the tape out of the tape itself, and threw all of that out the window. "Now nothing can be traced back to us, Graham."

My brother and Graham became good friends after that, and all it took was covering up duck murder.

Here's two stories for the price of one with my most memorable game of Scrabble
I was playing scrabble with my brother and cousin, and during this particular game so many words, maybe even half of the board was just "bluffs", as in arrangements of letters played with the hope that it'll actually be a word no one's ever heard of, or arrangements everyone will be too afraid to challenge. At one point I was so far behind that my brother and cousin started teasing me, and decided to let me look up a good word to play online. So I decided to look up various words but couldn't really find much. Eventually... I decided to play "zio", which of course is not a word (though it is a spell in Persona), with the Z on a triple letter score, getting me a bunch of points... and as I was doing this, I was in the middle of telling this story:
Once I was playing Texas Hold'em online on Pogo, which is against other human players and actually puts (fake, virtual) currency on the line. During this particular match I thought to myself "No matter what, every round, I'm just going to bet the maximum before even the flop is revealed." And so I did. First round, two players folded, other guy played, he got eliminated. Second round, one guy folded, other guy played, he got eliminated. Third round, the last guy folds again. Fourth round, there's just a long pause before finally he typed in the chat "I'll remember you" and left.
So as I was telling that story to them, they interrupted me wondering if "zio" is actually a word. I told them "Well, I looked it up on the internet" (which I did... and found that it's not there) but they were still uncertain. I'm surprised they didn't catch on to how nervous I was with how much I kept asking "So are you challenging? Is it your turn?" and such, but finally after what felt like 10 minutes they decided not to challenge it. I then immediately continued my story with "so anyway speaking of bluffing..."
That little play right there won me the game. I might still have a photo somewhere of my cousin looking annoyed while I'm standing next to him, pointing at him and the word "zio", with as smug a look on my face as can possibly exist.

Before I was dating my first girlfriend, she and I were hanging out with a group of our friends and for some reason we were throwing packets of taco sauce at one guy in the group....who upon hindsight I realize was Hispanic..... It.....uhh.....it wasn't supposed to be a racist thing. Anyways, I threw one, he dodged, and it hit the girl in the face. She started crying and covered her head, so I ran over to see if she was OK. It turns out she was a dirty fucking liar, and she just started laughing as soon as I started feeling really bad.

Also I was kind of a terrible friend. The same Hispanic guy told me about the girl he liked, and asked me not to tell anyone. So naturally, I told a whole bunch of people. He was less than pleased with me. But they started dating after that, got married, and now have a daughter, so HA!

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0lOgZDJVqO7

apparently this is everyone's fav story of mine of being cajun and moving to texas

It doesn't link :c

fixed C:

Yaaaaaaaayyyyy
Hahaha "All of our rice is very clean".

Last October my friend made me come over and play Silent Hill 3 at his house.

The hour, bodaciously the exact hour that I finished the game, a thick fog rolled in. Thickest fog I had seen in years. You could see maybe 5 feet in front of you; beyond that, nothing but gray.

I had to drive all the way home in that at 11:00 at night, on the night I beat Silent Hill.

It's funny because I was more scared of weird shapes in the fog than of crashing on the road or anything.

My little sister gets kind of a bum rap for being a little slow at times...but she's earned it. My brother-in-law, Josh, is particularly bad at provoking these instances.

One night the family's sitting around the table playing some game or other and somehow a deck of cards gets broken out. We idly start playing that card bluffing game where everyone sticks a card to their forehead so they can see the value of everyone's card except their own. For whatever reason my sister has a difficult time getting the card to stick. Seeing this, Josh advises her to press harder on her forehead, give it a good solid shove. I'm not sure if he was messing with her a bit or if she just interpreted it poorly but whatever the cause...WHAM. Winds up and smacks herself good.

She's never allowed to forget.

Some people might call me gullible, I like to think of myself as overly trusting of family members who I'd like to think I COULD trust.

A few years ago, around Christmas time, my family was sitting in the car in line at a local drive-thru coffee place. My sister was talking about something and I wasn't paying attention until I thought I heard her say "marriage wreath". I asked her what a marriage wreath is, and without skipping a beat, she told me, "Oh, that's where Christmas wreaths originated from. In the past they were given as a wedding present, and the ribbon at the bottom represented the union of the two families." I was fascinated and asked her what time period this was, and she told me it was a custom in the Victorian era. "Oh, by the way, Marc, I'm lying and you completely fell for it."

God.

Dammit.

Since then I've had to treat every "fact" my sister tells me with a lot of skepticism. She's tried to pull similar stunts after that, but nothing quite as grandiose, and sometimes I fall for it, sometimes not.

And this is why I have trust issues.