Hello weedy creatures. Today we are making SHORTBREAD BISCUITS. You will FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Before we begin, YOU WILL NEED THESE:
TWO (2) CUPS OF FLOUR
ONE AND A HALF (1/2) CUPS OF COCOA POWDER
ONE AND A QUATER (1/4) TEASPOON OF BAKING POWDER
ONE AND A QUATER (1/4) TEASPOON OF SALT
ONE (1) CUP OF BUTTER
ONE (1) CUP OF ICING SUGAR (DO NOT GET CASTER SUGAR FOOL)
ONE AND A QUATER (1/4) TEASPOON OF VANILLA ESSENCE
WILLPOWER
FORTITUDE
BACKBONE
COURAGE
IMPROVISATIONAL SKILLS
MENERGY
Once you have prepared all of those ingredients, YOU MAY BEGIN COOKING.
First, lay out your MENERGY DRINKS.
You will need them. Uncle Spoony recommends "RED EYE", MENERGY DRINK WITH
ATTITUDE.
Now that you have your MENERGY DRINK, Uncle Spoony suggests you select some MUSICA to play whilst cooking. Uncle Spoony chose FRANK SINATRA, and recommends that you FOLLOW SUIT.
Now select a BOWL and place your FLOUR within.
You will add the COCOA POWDER, BAKING POWDER, and SALT at this point.
Pathetic WEAKLINGS may tell you at this point to mix the above with a MIXING APPARATUS. This is because they lack FORTITUDE. You will mix it with your HANDS. Like a MAN.
IT WILL NOW LOOK LIKE THIS.
If it does not, YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
This next step, depending on your UPPER ARM STRENGTH, AND SKILLS AT COPING UNDER PRESSURE, may take SOME TIME. If you are a WEAKLING, Uncle Spoony reccomends that you now ADJUST YOUR MUSICA, SHOULD YOU SO CHOSE.
You will now WASH your HANDS, because you are FILTHLY. Be PROUD of your filth, it signifies PROGRESS.
Select a new BOWL and place within it your BUTTER. You will now GRADUALLY add the icing sugar. If you DO NOT add it GRADUALLY, your LAUGHABLY FALLIBLE BUTTER will not be able to absorb the GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF SUGAR. More heathens may yet again recommend that you mix these together with a MECHANICAL MIXING DEVICE. You will SCORN their NAIVETE, and CHILDLIKE TRUST in the MACHINE GOD. REAL MEN mix with their BARE HANDS.
Once you have exhausted your ICING SUGAR RESERVES, your BUTTER will look LIKE THAT. NOTICE THAT IT IS LIGHTER, SMOOTHER, AND CREAMIER. THIS IS GOOD.
You will now WASH YOUR HANDS ONCE MORE. Filth shows progress but is nevertheless an OBSTACLE in HYGIENIC FOOD PREPARATION.
Now that you have washed your hands, add HALF (NO MORE) of your FLOUR AND COCOA COMBINATION to your newly aquired BUTTER AND SUGAR MIXTURE. Also add your VANILLA ESSENCE. MIX TOGETHER with your HANDS like a REAL MAN. Now repeat with the OTHER HALF of your FLOUR AND COCOA COMBINATION, and CONTINUE TO MIX until it is COMPARABLE to UNCLE SPOONY'S MIXTURE ABOVE.
GET RID OF YOUR FILTH
Now you will WASH and THOROUGLY DRY a CONVENIENT AVAILABLE BENCH TOP. Once it is completely dry, LAY OUT GREASE (BAKING) PAPER. Then put your SHORT BREAD DOUGH on top of said paper. APPLY ANOTHER SHEET OF PAPER ON TOP OF THIS. The paper is not STRICTLY NECESSARY, but short bread dough is ONE OF THE STICKIER DOUGHS, and may STICK TO YOUR BENCH TOP, if you have the MOTOR SKILLS of a CAMBODIAN INFANT WITH DYSENTRY. Uncle Spoony has not used grease paper because he CANNOT AFFORD IT. He is still paying CHILD SUPPORT to MANY STRANGE WOMEN ACROSS AUSTRALIA. Once you have PLACE YOUR DOUGH on your benchtop, APPLY a ROLLING PIN until it looks like THIS. If at any point you are TREMBLING with FEAR at your INEPTITUDE because you believe your DOUGH to be EXCESSIVELY CRUMBLY, then you can always CREAM MORE BUTTER, and ADD IT TO YOUR MIXTURE. Be aware that SHORT BREAD DOUGH is SUPPOSED TO BE CRUMBLY TO A CERTAIN EXTENT before you SQUANDER your work due to your PETTY FEARS.
You should also keep a VIGILANT EYE on any DOMESTIC ANIMALS that may be in the vicinity of your SHORTBREAD DOUGH.
Now your dough must rest, AS SHOULD ANYTHING YOU MAKE THAT INVOLVES FLOUR. This would be a good time to WASH AWAY YOUR FILTH.
Uncle Spoony now recommends you digest some PURE MENERGY. You have DESERVED IT.
While your dough is resting, you should ENGAGE IN RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES. MUSICA IS ONE SUCH ACTIVITY. Uncle Spoony is listening to WINDOM EARLE, and recommends that YOU DO THE SAME.
If you do not enjoy MUSICA, then you may like to engage in VIDYA. Uncle Spoony recommends BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL, or perhaps ETERNAL DARKNESS depending on your CURRENT MOOD.
(part 2 is forthcoming whilst my DOUGH RESTS.)
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
