AWKWARD ZOMBIE

this is the thread where you post your favourite comedians and/or the jokes they say


Peter Kay

Jason Manford

Frankie Boyle

Michael McIntyre

go go go

Jim Gaffigan

Paul McDermott

heres some peter kay lines
"Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones."
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger."
"Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl."
"You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses."
"Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school."
"The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity."
"Old women with mobile phones look wrong."
"Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush."
"There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something."

surprisingly true

<3 frankie boyle

Mitch Hedberg

"I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying "My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!" "So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it." "

"What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!"

I keep missing Frankie everytime he's doing one of his shows in the local area. It's pretty annoying. I was a whole month early for a book-signing and I didn't have cheddar for tickets for one of his gigs. </3 bah

Jon Pinette

"You know what I'm saying! You're watching CNN in english, WHERE'S BREAKFAST?!"

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO HIM LAST NIGHT FFFFFFF

Josh Blue.

you see ive ner heard of half of these people
quote me some jokes