AWKWARD ZOMBIE

This should be a webcomic, and that's what I imagined it being, but HEY WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, my art is terrible. So it's going to be a sort of novel instead. Putting it here on the forum will let me write at my own pace while still hammering out the details of the story, plus allowing me to get feedback a lot sooner. And I'd really rather not make it into a CYOA like Princess Quest was, sorry! Feel free to read along and tell me that you love it or you rubbed out eyes out with soap after reading something so horrendous, either way!

Oracles

Before the universe began, there was nothing. The sun, moon, stars, and our planet had not yet been created. Then, out of the darkness came many celestial beings, the gods we worship today. They looked around at the emptiness and chose to fill it with their power.

Ters, the God of Earth, took his skin and formed our planet, each hill, valley, and plain.

Lucandre, the God of Light, took his tears and placed the sun and stars in the sky, while Pyril, Goddess of Fire, took her breath and gave heat and warmth to the sun, stars, and the planet itself.

Aquillus, God of Water, took his blood and filled the planet with seas, oceans, and rivers, and Ventra, Goddess of Wind, took her hair and kissed the planet with her breeze.

Fulmos, God of Lightning, took his voice and sparked the planet into motion, and Creala, Goddess of Nature, took her bones and placed every living creature on the planet, every plant and animal, even humans.

Finally, Mother Vitria, her Eminence, the Goddess of Life, took her heart and shared the gift of life with the planet. May the gods and goddesses be praised for their gifts, and may we live to serve Mother Vitria and our home, the planet, Gaiarch.

A young girl of eighteen closes the book, and pulls herself up from the floor where she sat, her cream white dress brushing against her legs. Standing on her tiptoes, she reaches up and pushes the book place into its place on the shelf. The other disciples liked to joke about her somewhat short stature, but the girl doesn't mind. She sighs contentedly and gazes across the library. Hundreds of thousands of books line the walls, containing everything from reference materials to historical texts to scriptures. The girl has read many titles in this library, but nowhere near all of them. She pulls a few loose strands of her coal-black hair behind her pale ears and turns to leave. It was almost time for the Christening Ceremony, and she had yet to prepare for it.

"Kiara!", a deep feminine voice calls out as the door opens. "Kiara, are you in the library?"

"Oh, yes, Sister Margert!", the girl calls out, returning her own higher-pitched voice. Her words were soft, despite the shout towards her elder. "I was just on my way back to my room to prepare."

Sister Margert steps inside, wearing an lightly ornamented one piece garb, made from brilliant white fabric with green trim, indicative of the priests and priestesses. She eyes the girl, and chuckles softly. "You should have been preparing a half hour ago. Were you reading that children's story again?"

"Well, yes, after I communed with Mother Vitria.", Kiara replied sheepishly. "I cannot help it. It is my favorite book among our whole collection, after all. How incredible it is that the gods and goddesses chose to bring us into being." Her ocean blue eyes gleamed as she looked at the elderly woman with conviction. Sister Margert returned a warm smile, lightening the wrinkles on her aged face. Her striking jade eyes contrasted her snowy hair, yet one could sense wisdom behind them.

"Your reverence for the gods and goddesses has not been unnoticed, dear. I am certain Mother Vitria will bless you as an Oracle." She motions towards the door. "Now come, you are not even dressed. It would not do for you to be late for the first time at your most important ceremony, would it?"

Kiara nods and steps toward her elder. "No, Sister, it would not."

The two exit the library and part ways. Kiara breaks into a sprint down the hall as soon as Sister Margert was out of view. Glimpses of a small garden surrounding a plain fountain are visible between stone pillars as she rushes past. The Christening Ceremony, finally! Nearly eighteen years of her life at the Temple and it was finally here! She was behind schedule, though. Ironically enough, since time seemed to move so slowly before going to the library. After a whole day of no studies, no lessons, no practices, and just the daily required meditations to occupy the day, it felt awkward and strange having so much free time. But now the wait was over.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of feedback are you looking for?

Anything constructive, I suppose!

I know I can be a rather positive person about everything... But I really liked that! It reminded me somewhat of my own writing style. The names were interesting and I could recognize some of their roots.

Now, you seem to be going for a more religious tone in this first part. Very interesting and I'm excited to see where it goes. I can't think of much advice for you now, I'll try to think of some stuff later.

I've done some studying of story telling and I've often thought of doing similar to what you are doing. So, I will try to support you in this project all that I can! Maybe one day I'll follow in your footsteps.

I always prefer when people tell me what I did wrong instead of sugarcoating a critique, but please let me know if I'm being too negative. There were some good things I noticed though, which I added at the end. Also, this is all just my opinion. Always keep in mind that you're the final arbiter of what does and doesn't go into the story, and as long as you're pop flyin' with it at the end of the day who cares what some asshole on the internet thinks.

-The first present-day paragraph goes by pretty quickly. Was she just standing in front of the bookshelf while she read? Possibly also mention the surrounding books where she replaces it. Might also be a good place to sneak in a few extra details about the girl without being direct description. How tall she is in comparison to the shelves, how heavy/light the book is to her, how the cut of her clothes might feel after reading in whatever position she was in, etc. You don't necessarily need to put all of that in, and you're certainly not limited to just describing those things, but right now I don't really have much to go off if for imagining her other than that she's a 'young girl with black hair'. The same issue goes for the 'older lady'

-The initial description of the voices for the two characters is pretty important too. It'll set the tone for how the reader perceives them. Might be good to give some specific characteristics. High/low pitch, accent, volume, talking speed, etc.

-Watch out for adverbs. They're fine when used sparingly, but if you see too many of them you should probably find a more deeply descriptive way of saying something. I have a problem with this sometimes too.

-Most of what's here seems to be in present tense, but you slip into past tense in the last paragraph

-Slight repetition of the word 'ceremony' in one of Margaret's dialogue sections

-Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure the word Christening kind of a Christian thing? Not sure how well it would work if this is a fantasy universe.



It's an interesting idea, though we're not really far enough for me to judge its story elements. The dialogue flows pretty well for me, and at least part of the protagonist's character is cemented early on (being way into what I assume to be the dominant religion), which is always nice. The different bits about godly parts/fluids being the makeup of the world was neato too. Looking forward to seeing more.

Haha, you don't sound like an asshole at all. I actually really appreciate it!

A lot of your critique seems to point out needing more description, and yeah, I can definitely see that in hindsight. I understand that you need to include details when writing in novel format, since you don't have visual aid, but I get a bit hung up on what's TOO detailed, AKA boring.

Also as far as names go, just go with what they're referring to. "Christening" is probably a largely Christian term, but I honestly didn't want to sit in front of my computer for a half hour thinking of THE PERFECT NAME. I hope that doesn't sound lazy or anything, that's definitely not the intention.

Edit: Also, one more thing to note. For a little while characters are going to speak without using contractions and yes it's intentional and I HOPE THAT DOESN'T GET ANNOYING. There is a reason for it though.

Chinmaster is king of critiquing. All I can say after reading this thread so far is


more plz

This is interesting! But be more descriptive like Chinmaster said.

Also this was me reading the title:

ORACLE IS BACK?

ORACLE IS DOING A PROJECT??

oh yoouuuu

I forgot wordfilters were a thing and got confused for a moment

Pretty interesting so far though. :0

Kiara?
Margaret?

Nice.

I can't wait to see panels for this. My imagination probably can't do it justice.

I did some editing to the first part if you guys want to look at it again. More description, as most of you pointed out!

There are a few details I'm intentionally leaving out for now, just because I think they'd fit better elsewhere.

Yeah, the details and description make it much more interesting. And like you said, too many details and description can be bad, but so can no details. You have to think about the pacing of the story when adding that stuff. Too many details and events become spread apart and the reader loses interest because there is so much stuff to read. On the other hand, having no details and just events is not very interesting or engaging for the reader. You have to find an in between that works for you. Some authors lean more on the details side while others on the event based side. You really just have to find what works for you, sometimes looking at your favorite authors can help with this.

Otherwise I think the update you made was really good Even if it's not perfect Keep working at it and you should end up with a nice story in the end!

At the end of the hall, Kiara turned left into the female living quarters. Rows of cedar doors with small iron handles and locks lined the walls, one for each bedroom. Only the priestesses held keys, but they were rarely ever used. On the far wall laid a single door, leading to the wash room and bath. The wash room could hold up to thirty people, with ten bathing pools inside. When Kiara and her fellow students of similar age first grew into young adults, there was inevitable discomfort in seeing each other in a state of undress, but as time went on, they thought little anymore of bathing with their comrades. However, with hundreds of female students alone at the temple, the line for morning baths was always a long one. The priestesses frequently reminded the girls that waking up early was the only way to shorten their wait as much as possible.

Two more hallways stretched out beside the far wall, leading to more bedrooms. The main hall was designated for priestesses and the infants and toddlers they tended to, the left hall lead to the children's rooms, and the right hall lead to the young adults' rooms. Kiara swiftly walked towards the right hall, exchanging brief, friendly greetings with the other young women she encountered along the way. Her steps thrummed rhythmically with her heartbeat as her leather shoes landed against the stone floor, piercing through the quiet hall. About halfway down the hall, she stopped in front of her door, labelled with the number 241. Kiara excitedly turned the handle and hurried inside. The small, square room held two linen beds, a pair of wooden dressers, a oval mirror no larger than the girl's torso, and a window with simple lace curtains. From the moment they moved into the children's hall, each student was assigned a roommate for the entirety of their stay at the temple. Most didn't complain about their assignments, and the few who did were reassigned with little trouble. Thankfully, Kiara and her roommate quickly became best friends after being assigned to live together. She was going miss all the late night talks and helping each other with their studies, now that they would have to part ways for their new occupations after the ceremony.

(Sorry this update took so long to get out. Next one will be more exciting, I promise~)

(Also I know I'm kind of writing Kiara like a Mary Sue, but there's a reason for it! Trust me, I've thought this out!)

(I feel like writing another part today and you are victims to my sporadic periods of inspiration. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Kiara walked towards her bed on the left side of the room. Laying on top of the milk-colored sheets was a dress like the one Sister Margert was wearing, the bright white fabric blending harmoniously with the light green accents. However, Kiara's dress still gleamed of the cut of new cloth, not yet weathered by age as her elder's had. This was the dress she would wear for the ceremony that evening. After the final rites, it would become her regular clothes to wear during her services to Vitria, signifying her as an official Oracle. The girl disrobed, allowing her old dress to fall to the floor. Her undergarments bore no designs or intricacies, serving only their intended purpose of modesty and comfort. Kiara held the dress up to her body and her somewhat wide eyebrows furrowed. She pursed her gentle PANK lips and pulled the dress on. The back featured a series of ten pairs of light green ribbons from the small of her back up to her neck. Reaching behind her, Kiara struggled with each set until they were all tied. She turned to examine herself in the mirror. The dress was an excellent fit, signifying the prowess of the tailor who crafted it. However, Kiara was not concerned about how she appeared in her new clothes.

Am I truly ready to be accepted as an Oracle?, she mused. Surely there is more I could learn, something else I could study, another-

Her thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. Another young woman about her age peeked in the room, her blood red eyes scanning each corner. When she spied Kiara in the corner examining herself in the mirror, the woman beamed and her face alighted, giving her copper skin a healthy glow.

"There you are!", the woman said a slight smirk. She wore the same Oracle dress as Kiara, and her slender arms crossed in mock impatience. Her tiny nose, a glaring distinction from the other girl's average-sized one, crinkled as she examined her. "I have been looking all over for you. Well, at least I found you preparing." Her tone was slightly bitter, but joking in nature. An air of levity resonated as she spoke, reducing the harshness in her voice as she pretended to chastise Kiara.

"Yes, thank you, Mother, I know I am late," Kiara snapped back with a grin. "But I do not intend to miss our own Christening ceremony."

"Well, of course not, but intentions and results can be so dissimilar." The woman scoffed and twirled a finger through her short, brown hair. She looked curiously at Kiara's dress and her smile faded. "By the way, you put that on inside-out."

The girl's smiling face quickly turned into one of concern. "What?!? I did?!?!?"

The woman's grin returned bigger than before. "No, not really. But seeing that face was worth it."

Kiara tried to conceal her mirth as she chided her friend. "Selzie!"

Selzie knew that Kiara had a reputation among the other girls for having little to no talent when it came to clothing and personal appearance. Many times in the past, she had encountered a new article of clothing that she failed to understand how to wear properly. She had also attempted several different hairstyles, one of the few ways the students were permitted to express themselves, but each one turned out disastrously. This became a favorite joke for Selzie to tease Kiara with, as she often was the one to help her even out her new hair or teach her how to wear stockings and garters.

After sharing a laugh with her friend, Kiara moved towards her dresser. A roll of green ribbon rested on top of it alongside a pair of scissors. Picking up the ribbon, she wrapped it around her hair into a loose ponytail.

"Are you ready for tonight?", Selzie asked as she sat on her bed. "It is quite an honor getting to lead the opening prayer."

"Y..yes...", Kiara hesitated, her face grim in concentration from attempting to tie the ribbon.

"You seem nervous. Are you afraid of forgetting a part?"

"No, I just don't quite feel.....qualified."

"Well, the rule is that the student with the highest marks gets to lead. That means you."

"It is not just the prayer," Kiara sighed as she finally formed the ribbon into a bow. "I am not sure I feel qualified to be an Oracle at all."

Selzie looked at the other girl with slight confusion. "Kiara, you are one of the best students being christened tonight. Your commitment to being an Oracle is incredible." Her smile returned, though it hinted concern. "If there was such a thing as being too devoted to Mother Vitria, you would certainly be a candidate."

"But there is so much I still do not understand. Should we not try to learn as much as we can before beginning our work?"

Selzie shrugged. "Maybe some things cannot be learned unless you experience them."

Kiara grabbed the scissors and brought them towards the end of the ribbon. "Maybe....." she mused. "But what if-AHHH!"

The scissors fell to the floor with a clang and Kiara clasped her right ear.

"Are you all right?" Selzie inquired quickly. "What happened?"

Kiara let go of her ear and examined her hand. A red stain of blood ran down from her palm to her wrist. "I-I am fine. I just cut myself."

She brought her hand back up to her ear. The throbbing pain was punctuated by a sharper one as she touched the laceration again. Breathing deeply, she concentrated her energy. Kiara's hand glowed a dull green as she released magic through her hand. The pain quickly subsided, and she felt her ear once more. The wound had been healed completely.

Turning back towards Selzie, she gave a slight smile. "Good as new." The ribbon unfurled behind her head and she let out a groan.

Selzie gave a sympathetic smile back. "Here, let me help."

She stood and picked up the ribbon and scissors from the floor. Standing several inches over her friend, she was well suited to tie the other's hair.

"Anyways, I think you have no need to worry." Selzie stated as she worked on the bow. "You are more than qualified for whatever Mother Vitria has in store for you."

Kiara glanced back at her. "Are you ready for tonight?"

Selzie stopped tying briefly before continuing. "Yes.... I came to terms with who I am meant to be a long time ago."

Finishing the bow, she admired her handiwork. "There! How does it feel?"

Kiara laughed. "Like I would still be trying to tie this stupid thing without you."

Selzie chuckled in return. "Always pop flyin' to help. What are best friends for?"

They walked towards the door together, but Kiara suddenly stopped.

"I will meet you in the grand hall in a little while," she said politely. "I want to speak with Mother Vitria for a moment before I leave."

"Suit yourself," Selzie replied. "Just try not to be late."

Not bad. You definitely took our advice from last time.

umm.
umm.

I don't know what to tell you, I suck at this criticism thing.

Story wise, I like the way you describe her location and the people and things around her. It seems very fitting considering it's nature.
Also, magic! I like to read about the different ways people describe magic to work and stuff, so I hope there is a little more on that, but it is completely up to you if you put that in or not.

Keep up the good work!

Not to worry, the concept of magic will be further expanded upon later! I know that it seemed brief in the last update, but that's just to introduce it to the story. Thanks for pointing that out though! I'll be expanding upon as many concepts in the story as I can, in due time.