AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Greetings, all!

I've been here for a year and a half and have lots of fun in this here corner of the internet, and I am proud to say that this is the first forum that I've actually managed to be active in enough to reach a thousand posts.


And so, I have decided to make THIS THREAD THAT YOU ARE READING RIGHT NOW and fill it with tales of adventure. IN SPACE!

That's right! I AM IN SPACE.
I have taken this opportunity to shove some random mountain nobody out of the way of a beam of light being shot down from a floating triangle in the sky and get myself dragged out into SPACE.

Zoltos, the alien ship captain, was a bit disappointed in my intervening with their abductions of hillbilly unknowns and tried to have me launched out into the vacuum of space, but a bit of negotiating and a little bit of commandeering of a talking hand-held beam cannon, which I have named Steve, has had them decide to keep me around.

What luck that they all just so happen to speak English (with random words that are hard to pronounce for my primitive human mouth, I guess). I was afraid I'd have to finally sit down and learn French.

I will come back to this thread every now and then to post of the strange and other worldly events that go on around me. IN SPACE.


If anyone has any particular suggestions for what I should do while IN SPACE, I'll consider them when I get back to a universal Earth WiFi station.

And now, ON TO ADVENTURE! in space

>Realize that Steve is quite a handsome beam cannon. Commence romance.

Do a barrel roll and then a back flip.. IN SPACE.

Draw a HIGHLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATION of you punching Zoltos in the face. IN SPACE

Lost amongst stars hundreds of times larger than Earth, realize the futility of existence

Then buy me a space candy bar

Get me a spaceship. And maybe a kree weapon.

A talking weapon named Steve?
I have heard of that before.


My suggestion is Super Steve gets caught in a dimensional tear and is somehow sent to the space ship you're on. Beam Steve and Slingshot Steve have humorous conversations.

All interesting space suggestions!

I'll look into having such things done. ANYWAY!


So, these space lizard-people were completely unprepared for an attempted ship takeover. There's only three of them- Zoltos, Ludra and Makavir- and the only game they have is something called "Hydron" (basically, Space Checkers), their unnamed space triangle is in total disrepair, they refuse to touch the only gun they have because it keeps calling them names, and their space kitchen is full of bugs.

Like, so many bugs. Huge, horrible collections of freeze-dried bugs. So. Freakin'. Unsanitary.

They don't even have food! They've apparently resorted to eating these things after boiling them in water.

Aaaaaand Mak is telling me that that's just their usual diet. That explains why they haven't attempted to eat me. But not why they have nothing better to do than read what I type over my shoulder the whole time I'M JUST A HAIRLESS SPACE MONKEY NOTHING SPECIAL GO AWAY.

I don't know if they had any sort of plan with the abduction thing they were attempting on that farmer I shoved out of the way. They don't have any of the usual things you'd expect, like some table with a bunch of straps on it to hold people down as they rearrange people's internal organs or a place to keep random farm animals that aliens tend to take. And they haven't shoved a bunch of information into my head on how to improve life on Earth for the general population or scematics for a super structure made entirely out of meticulously carved giant rocks. They don't even have an amnesia-inducing mallet!

I don't think they really know what they're doing, to be quite honest.

These Universal Earth WiFi Stations (from now on called "UEWSs" or "the station", depending on how lazy I feel at the time) are pretty neat. They're built up kind'a like a slow-food restaurant, but on a larger scale (well, this one is), with a lot of arcade cabinet-shaped computer terminals with internet access, and a whole bunch of dusty equipment that used to pick up radio signals and TV. There are apparently not many entertaining creatures beyond the reach of Earth, and they find the existence of cats to be the greatest thing ever, apparently. Like, they're all watching cat videos. Every single screen, save for this one, is filled with cats. Cats sleeping, cats leaping, cats chasing things, cats climbing things, cats playing with string...
So many cat videos.

Most of them're terrible at spelling. They seem to mostly use the name of the letters to make up phonetic sounds for their typing. I'm going to assume that lolcats were invented by unEarthly sources.

You can trust me.
Because I'm a scientist, now.
I'm in space.

Infallible reasoning.


... Oh, I never made my point. They seem to have built this interconnected network of space stations that span across the outer reaches of the galaxy that have the sole purpose of being space gas stations with internet connected to Earth, which I find suspiciously overly convenient but will not question. This one is located inside the atmosphere of Jupiter. You can't miss it; it's in the big red spot. Something about the atmospheric pressures and currents being a great powersource to keep it running indefinitely, or something.
That's right, I'm on (in?) Jupiter and I'm using this opportunity to browse the Awkward Zombie forums. FEEL SPECIAL, YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE, YOU!

Ludra really likes talking about the history of things. It's annoying.


They don't want to kill me anymore. They realized that I'm small enough to fit comfortably into the spaces that they can't fit into when I ran away into the engine room after the whole vacuum-of-space thing.
They're teaching me to be a SPACE ELECTRICIAN.

Zoltos is still bitter about me pointing a highly destructive anti-space-armor death raygun that sings Irish folk music I don't understand at him.

I need to cut down on the overly long sentences.

... So, like, I'm going to hope they have Earth foods in the restaraunt (they seem to like the cooking channels on Youtube, so maybe!) and see how things go from here.
The chef is one of those stereotypical big-headed, grey Martian-type of non-Earth things. I wasn't expecting any to actually look like that.

Back later!
Unless I get disintegrated by something. I hope that doesn't happen..

> I'm Commander Airra and this is my favourite restaraunt in space.

Get ye flask

I cannot get ye flask.


...

So, space.

No idea what happened, but I shouldn’t have ordered the turkey sandwich. The kitchen exploded and a bunch of these rocky looking dog people things started shooting everything.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING GET VIOLENT IN SPACE?



Anyway, I grabbed the sandwich and ran back to the ship that the three lizaliens don’t particularly fit into very well.
I don’t know what’s going on, but the dog golem things really didn’t like the three who dragged me into space.
Steve was completely useless. Started speaking the Canadian anthem instead of shooting.
Not singing. Speaking. Barely even made a good distraction.

Furthermore, Makavir is not laser-proof.

Or laser-resistant.

Or pop flyin'.


And I don’t have any decent medical knowledge, especially when it comes to non-humans.
I’d be a terrible veterinarian.

I have determined that they did not pack enough duct tape before leaving Earth. I can’t fix anything without duct tape, and all this orange metal really needs some covering up. It’s such an eyesore.
Anyone have any suggestions on making an alien spacecraft less annoying to look at? Everything is all triangle-themed, if that helps. Lots of dim orange colors with triangles. There’s also no decent windows. I WANTED TO SEE PLUTO.
… I didn’t look at the pictures that were recently taken of it by NASA when I had the chance.

Zoltos and Ludra keep arguing about things. Something about a council, space cheddar, and I think I heard “orb-headed, quadrupedal drunkards” somewhere in there. I don’t know what it has to do with the rock dog people things, since they have more “shoe-shaped” heads… Aliens like big words, or something. Except for Mak. Seems to have limited everything down to four letters since the laser thing.


Also, Zoltos wasn’t particularly keen on the idea of doing spaceship tricks during a getaway. And Ludra doesn’t know anything about dimensional tears that bring in things from another reality. So, I’m not sure if I can get that to happen.
Though, I was handed a book titled “Dimensional Tears”, but that was about someone getting lost in another universe and crying a lot... I lost interest during the second chapter. The writing was awful.


And in the confusion of almost getting a laser haircut, I forgot what all else was suggested, so… SORRY.


In other news, this WiFi station looks like an Egyptian temple of some sort. Lots of stone paneling on the walls with weird cat paintings and dog-headed people.
I am officially the third farthest distance away from Earth of any human that has left orbit, according to this Famous Travelers chart on the wall.
At least, the ones that visited this UEWS.
… It’s weird that they’re referred to as “Universal” stations when they say they’re only around our current galaxy, come to think of it. Like, that’s just “galactic”, me thinks.

Does anyone have a currency conversion calculator for USD-to-Galactic Credits? Like, I left Earth with three dollars and fifty-six cents and forgot to pay for that turkey sandwich I had when everyone started getting shot at.

Get ye space juice

I recommend spilling the blood of your enemies on the walls to cover the annoying orange. That or install blacklights, might make the ship pop.

So, staying aht the station for the next day or so while Mak looks for a version of space Neosporin intended for laser wounds.

Grabbed a black light from the gift shop, since I don't really like bloos. And I goth the space juice. It's Spais Jooz brand.

... The walls of the broom closet I took over as a room were soooooo weird looking witjh that light. It fely like trying to sleep in an Eighties computer-assisted music video.

Then I noytixed that the juice started glowing in all sorts of colors that I couldn't quite descrive in thr lighy. I don't think I should have been drinkinghg it.

And I'm habing troublr typuing after drinking itf. This feeld so wired.

I trhink I have ten fingers on mty hands.