AWKWARD ZOMBIE

OK. You now live in a society of absolute safety, where there is no death or danger or anything, pretty boring.

I wish the doctor was my doctor.

granted. your prostate exams/pap smears are undertaken by an irresponsible alien who takes nothing seriously.

i wish the doctor was tom baker. or pertwee, i'd take pertwee. i don't care if they're old.

Granted, except he's really smelly.


I wish I had more pants.

Granted, they're all tacky.

I wish the water temple (Twilight Princess) wasn't so darn confusing.

Granted, but they make it so easy that it is grueling to do even once and causes everyone who plays it to cease playing the game, ruining the series for future games.

I wish I could have the worst possible thing happen to me

Granted. you lose all senses, and thus have nothing happen to you ever again.

I wish people made wishes after corrupting the previous one.

granted, but their wishes are written in the icelandic language.

I wish i could get some new hats in TF2.

You get new hats, they are the ugliest pieces of shit you've ever seen in your life and are neither tradable nor craftable.

I wish I was good at TF2.

Granted but you can only play on trading servers.

I wish I had superpowers to manipulate others.

Granted: You begin by testing it out on your family, who begin doing your bidding, whatever your whim may be. As you begin to test out these powers, you quickly realize that the power is permanent. You now have to keep telling them what to do: eat, sleep, use the bathroom, bathe, etc.

The monotony of it all becomes so dreary that you inevitably force your manipulations upon yourself, turning you into a blank slate like your family. You and your loved ones will be found weeks later as starved, catatonic husks and nothing more.

I still wish I could write well.

Granted, but you waste your talent corrupting people's wishes.

I wish I wasn't the President right now.

Granted, you'll never be the president again.

I wish to go to sleep.

Granted. You never wake up.

I wish I wasn't eating pork chops.

Granted. You're eating poop. Poop is funny. Hee-hee. Poop.

I wish people didn't judge me.