AWKWARD ZOMBIE

[spoiler]I have told my story to a total of 5 people, not counting my therapist. Believe me when I say I was alone, because I was alone.

I grew up from a relatively normal family. My brother was a dipshit teenager and I was the little one of the family. Growing up I had to deal with my brother's old teachers talk about how great he is. I was a very, very precocious and smart child but I was always overshadowed by this asshole who I hated and still hate with a fiery passion.

Second grade I met my first, true 'best friend' and I use that phrase loosely, because in fourth grade I was bullied horribly the fifth graders, whom I shared a class with (split class) and a mutual 'friend' of ours. She stood by and watch me get tormented, not doing a single goddamn thing. When I approached her about it, she said "Oh, Elaine's mad at me for something I did in fourth grade!" not realizing what she did completely fucking destroyed me, not realizing that I came home and cried every. single. fucking. day. Getting picked on on Skype cuts deep because it brings back those memories of nobody giving a shit about me.

Fifth grade was relatively the same. I had only one friend, but we weren't very close. All of my 'friends' were in a different class and I was alone once more.

In sixth grade our group of friends got bigger, and I was always the one who was picked on. Always. I quite bodaciously had nobody in sixth grade, and our school was split up by stereotypes (i.e the jocks, the preps, the trailer kids, etc) and we were considered to be the 'annoying normal' ones. I had nowhere to go, so I had to stick with being bullied for an entire fucking school year again.

Seventh grade passed and was lackluster, except for the fact that I had budding feelings for a friend of mine. Eighth grade came and those feelings escalated into love, but my feelings were never reciprocated. This was the start of my depression. I know it seems ridiculous how upset I was, but keep in mind I was thirteen when this happen, unaware that there would be other chances. I thought he was my one and only and when he didn't reciprocate anything, I was crushed. I tried to kill myself four times that year.

Freshman year came and I met a girl who would become my closest female friend. She left me because of family issues, going to stay with her father who lives in another town. You cannot possibly comprehend how incredibly crushed I was. I had finally found somebody who accepted me for who I was just to have her leave me just like everybody else had.

This year my depression came back with a vengeance because of a stressful situation. My grades began to fall and I had to stay home so many days. I started (and am still seeing) a therapist. I met such a good friend this year, but again, he's leaving me because his father's getting a new job, so I assume I will be alone again for about the billionth time.

Since my grades started slipping my parents have been hounding me about it, but I just don't care. Piano has been rough. It's something that I enjoy and just not being able to do it hurts. I feel like a failure of a daughter and I hate how I can't get motivated. I feel like I have failed my parents, and that I don't deserve them at all.

Coming onto awkward zombie I meet so many wonderful people and I am crying as I type this because I am so thankful for all of you. For the love of god, I met my best friend on here. Some of you might be right dicks but compared to the shit I've had to deal with I think I can handle it. I wouldn't trade any of you guys for the world. [/spoiler]


tl;dr

woops should read before post but still

Oh Loli, I love you. I'm so glad we got to talk again the other day, I miss noodle-arming you all the time. You're a princess to me. <3

It is making me cry seeing so many people with bad pasts.
Mostly I see "I loved someone and lossed that" while I myself never loved.
It has made me a dark, cold, and cruel person and this saddens me.

Sleauxbreaux why so awesome.

I regret things I have done and things that have happened to me, but I still would never change any of it if given the chance, least I loss all the good things that have brought me here today.

Badfish, I like you.

When I wrote my stupid rant about fifteen pages back and deleted it twenty minutes after posting, you had seen it, and you were the VERY FIRST PERSON to respond with condolences. I didn't really know you before that but from that instance alone, I know enough about you to tell you that I genuinely like you. You are a kind person, perhaps a bit shy, and seemingly depressed, but so am I. Not thanks to traumatic experiences like Lolita, or a life-changing illness like Torizo, but simply because of a scattered family trait that offsets chemicals in my brain. So I may not know why you feel the way you do, but on some level, I feel the way you do. I plan on sticking around here. I hope you'll stay, too.

Lolita, I've never experienced that. I wish I could say I had so I could better console you, but I haven't. All I know is that, even from reading this page alone, people here love yo u (take that, filter). You may have felt unwanted growing up, and perhaps even still, just don't forget you have friends here that care about you. I don't know you, but I want you to be pop flyin'. Sometimes what you need is to feel love in the arms of a friends, but other times it's nice to be reassured by a stranger, so, if it's not too strange a request, you're always welcome to unload on me if you need to vent. I'll always listen. I wish you the best.

EDIT: Spoony, you are awesome. Let's be awesome together. Let's have awesome page gets together 'til we grow old and buy a cottage on a farm somewhere with naught but a shotgun and a porchbound rocking chair to pass the time.

You are the fucking best poster.

Sleaux will go down in AZ history as being the best newbie ever.

I suppose you could say he could be our...

...poster boy

Also everybody with sad stories (holy crap a lot of people) you are all awesome

AWESOME

I don't think I've ever posted my past on the forum. But a lot of you know it already anyways because as soon as we're in a private conversation I'm like HAY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY PAST THIS ISN'T OVERBEARING OR CREEPY AT ALL RIGHT?

I WILL REST MY HEAD ON YOUR CHEST WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING

AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BEAT

AND WE'LL BOTH KNOW

NEITHER OF US HAVE TO BE ALONE

EVER AGAIN

SPOONY

I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL

spoony you're my dad

stop being such a man whore

>:c