AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Good to know, Katelyn.

Congrats! It's wonderful to see you feeling comfortable with your new identity! Hopes to feeling this good for a long while coming, Kate!

You guyyysss

Gahhh~



^
bodaciously how I feel reading your posts.

You all made me almost squee at work, you monsters.

>Talking to classmate during break
>She works at a gas station out of town
>Talks about trannies coming in to her work
>Guys who come in wearing PANK wigs, short shorts, and cutoff shirts
>Apparently they're transvestites and they're creepy
>But some are transgender and that's OK?????

I felt like shit after that conversation. She didn't know I'm trans, so it wasn't aimed at me, and I wouldn't choose that particularly ostentatious style of dress for myself, but... I guess I was confused and hurt because I don't really know what's considered "creepy" or not as a transwoman. I know that some people are asshats regardless, and that I should just try to be pop flyin' with myself, but still.

Also I thought transvestite was considered derogatory now and wasn't really used.

Transvestite can be a touchy term (like most terms dealing with this kind of thing honestly) but the literal definition of the word is simple someone who identifies as one gender wearing clothes associated with the opposite gender. I personally don't see anything wrong with the term, but I wouldn't know how the community feels about it, per-say.

Bottom line is, there are always going to be people who are going to find certain things "creepy" or "weird" and dismiss them in a negative way, but that shouldn't stop your personal expression of yourself!

I guess you could say crossdresser too? I have no idea which term is better.

I assume 'crossdresser' applies more to hobbyists? I don't really know.

Well, "transvestite" is an actual dictionary term with word roots and everything ("1920s: from German transvestit, from Latin trans [across] and vestire [clothe]"), but word association is constantly evolving, so if some people are uncomfortable with it, so be it. "Crossdresser" does seem to lean more toward a "hobbyist" while "transvestite" is associated with deriving pleasure (not necessarily sexual) out of it.

I'm one of those people who get a little uncomfortable around trans-whatever, but more because I'm worried that I'll accidentally offend them. I'm not worried in the slightest that someone like that is going to start flirting with me, because nobody ever does.

(Seriously, would you flirt with a guy who looks like a serial killer?)

I dunno. I guess I just don't really like it myself since it seems to have really negative connotations.

Also I want to grow my hair out a little into a shortish girl's haircut, dye it black, and then dye a small white streak on one side. I think that'd be kawaii as hell.

Kawaii as fuuuuuuuuuuckk

I have always wanted to do FUN THINGS with my hair but I have this fear of being fired for it, even though it is pretty unlikely. One of my superiors-in-training has tattoos, earrings, and does his hair in the most adorable (he would probably think it was manly and sexy) way. He's like 5'4" and, unfortunately for me, straight.


Gonna need pics to decide this. Without hockey mask and machete, please.

I own neither, actually. Though the 16-pound sledgehammer would make a nice prop. The only reason I say that is that an army recruiter said that once. Then a lot of people started saying my old DL photo made me look like a convict.

I'll try to get a decent pic when I'm not sunburned and after a decent haircut.

OK, so I don't want to sound like I'm really not doing OK, because I'm fine and I'll be OK until I can get to seeing a therapist.

That being said, I guess dysphoria is really starting to hit me. I'm not really sure how to describe this? It's like I don't FEEL like I'm a woman. I feel misplaced. Which as I just typed that is what I realize pretty much the textbook definition of gender dysphoria is. But anyways, I'll try not to get too graphic here, but for example, I'll look at myself naked and I don't have a female body shape and oh hey I've got a thing that women don't have. Or I'll look at my face and that's not what a woman's face looks like. Or my voice. I've touched on that briefly, but I do not sound like a girl at all and that really bothers me.

I'm pretty worried that once I start hormone replacement and start trying to make myself appear more feminine, I won't "convince" anyone, even myself. I've seen pictures of other transwomen who are absolutely beautiful and I wouldn't have even guessed if I didn't already know, and I'm worried that I won't look like that, that I'll just look like a bad caricature of a man trying to be a woman. Wow that last sentence got a little melodramatic. I don't even know if I can grow my hair out properly because I have a bit of a receding hairline.

And I really don't know how to do a lot of things that girls do. I don't know how to do makeup or nails or put my hair in a ponytail or braids for Christ's sake. And again, trying to be honest, not vulgar, I really don't know how to be cute or sexy or anything like that. Not that I consider that crucial to being female, but when I do find a SO, of course I want to be sexually appealing to that person. That's just natural.

Plus I've just been feeling really tired and don't have a lot of energy lately.

But again, I'm OK! I'm not going to hurt myself or do anything drastic. It's just a rough patch, I think.

Also I am a fucking idiot and almost got myself found out. I left my girly sunglasses in the car after I got home from work and remembered that they were in there after my parents got home last night. And I needed to get them before my dad took the car to work the next morning. So I had to come up with an excuse for my sister as to why I was going to check the car at 9 o'clock at night.

"I think I left my house keys in the car." Oh my god no sudden movements or she'll hear them jingle in my pocket.

I have a transwoman friend who used to find a practice room in the music school at my college to practice her girly voice, before she came out as trans. So if you wanted maybe you could try practicing in the car? It will probably feel silly at first but maybe over time you can find a voice you like. Or even try singing in the car.





Youtube is your friend! I didn't learn much about how to do hair and makeup from my mom, most of what little i do know is from my friends. But there's also a gazillion tutorials on youtube on how to do that stuff, even simple stuff like putting your hair in a ponytail. See if you can find some beginner tutorials on makeup, so you have an idea of what basics you can start off buying.

Side note, I still don't know how to braid hair and I've been a girl all my life...

Well, you're right, I do feel ridiculous practicing a girl's voice.

That wasn't supposed to come off as bitchy.