AWKWARD ZOMBIE

It depresses me that my favorite author and one of the wittiest people I know has Alzheimer's.

Also I cry pretty easily so this thread has gotten me several times.
Though I didn't cry when my grandpa died.

I gave someone my Elmo Hat today. She's one of the greatest people I have ever met and it's going to suck not to see her for a long time. She knows I used that hat as an escape when I was feeling really depressed about anything. When I handed it down town, she said she refused to accept it and started to cry. Which, made me cry but I wanted her to accept it. Then we held each other and cried.

Then we remembered her Dad was in the room and it got really awkward.

A little late, granted, but I can really empathise with Zink and Torizo. We get a special award in my school called the Dux, whixh is awarded to the student who gets overall the best grades in the year. I got it for my first year of high school, and not for my second. The reaction from my parents really caught me (and ultimately them) off guard. They weren't angry, as such, but they seemed very disappointed. Despite the fact that I still came second by a small margin it seemed like somehow I'd failed for not being the absolute best. No above average etc., only "the usual" or a failure. This extended to any kind of tests of examinations too. Thankfully that view seems to have dissipated now (in the nick of time too, because I'm a lazy batard in terms of studying now, and I'm at the stage where studyingis FAR more important), but expectations of my performace are still pretty high.

In some ways I've been lucky in terms of friends. I get on fairly well with everyone, there isn't anyone who has a particular loathing of me (that I know of), but it's almost as if I'm spread too thin. In getting on reasonably with everyone, I lack a niche of sorts. Everyone knows me somewhat, but extremely few know me to any great depth. As of late I've been making efforts to remedy that, but I still sometimes feel like the people who know me the best are my friends on WoW.

Physically, I'm scrawny, tall and apparently difficult to distinguish in terms of gender. The longest relationship I had was in nursery (kindergarten?), and I've only been out with one person in the entirety of high school. I'm terrified of making any kind of move in case it results in the demise of a friendship or great discomfort in future interactions. The apparent lack of interest in me from girls (or even guys) has been a bit demoralizing, although I rarely make any attempts to make myself look attractive. I never work out (except hillwalking/jogging/cycling recently, but I don't know if that counts), and have the stigma of a "Gaming nerd" hanging over my head.

I won't trivialize your experiences and say I know exactly where you're coming from, but these problems affect many people, and I'm sure there are others at my school suffering from similar 'angsts'. Try not too beat yourselves up about it though. I've recently decided that if people think I'm unworthy or not good enough, and there is evidence to the contrary, then fuck them. So far, it's been working pretty well, and my self esteem has definitely improved since.


P.S. I saw your picture in the Balldance(?) thread Torizo, and I agree with Decker, you're very pretty. Boobjobs/nosejobs/cosmetic surgery in general is overrated and overused too, and certainly not something most people, including yourself, need. We live in a world guided by unrealistic expectations, in ways that extends far beyond mere test grades. Physically we are all expected to be thin, muscular, attractive (this one I can't understand, as attraction, for me, is only very slightly physical. Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder etc.) and striving to be thinner, more muscular, more attractive and it's all so ridiculous that it's best just to back away slowly and get the fuck on with your life. It ain't worth the strain or stress. If someone loves you unconditionally, your appearence to them will always be remarkable. You will ALWAYS be beautiful.

That is so sweet.

nevermind

I never got to the point where I wanted to kill myself, but a couple months ago my depression reached the point where I was considering how easy it would be :/

[spoiler]If my depression had gotten just a little bit worse, I most likely would have just walked out into an intersection with my eyes closed.[/spoiler]

That's a horrible way of killing yourself.

[spoiler]Too much of a risk that you won't get killed, but piss a bunch of people off anyway[/spoiler]

That was the point, I didn't want to kill myself, I figured I'd let fate decide whether or not I was gonna live

I'm a coward. I'm scared by decision-making and I never really do anything on my own. I'm not ready to be a "contributing member of society" and I don't really want to be one. I'm immature as hell. I'd spend my life doing nothing if I could. I feel so out-of-place with our current world.

BROS
o/

\o

Thanks for the smile

If you had lived, you'd be surrounded my rustled drivers and have a brand new jaywalking ticket as well as an all expeses paid trip to the nut house for trying to kill yourself...

...but if that's what you really want...

Don't be a jerk.

I went through the same issue.
some instances of depression made me realize and understand even more how easy a decision is becomes for some people.
I've stopped judging people who do go through just that and try not to use the line "Just be pop flyin'! Stop being so sad!" line and thank it'll go away after I say that.

Well yeah, going through a thing like that helped me realize that it can happen to anyone. I promised myself that I would help any person going through such an event