AWKWARD ZOMBIE

What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?

[spoiler] A crow with a machine gun. [/spoiler]

Edit: My first page get!

The owner of a large chain of apparel stores is growing worried about who will inherent the chain. He has a vested interest in it, after all. The person should be cut from the same cloth as him; not wear their heart on their sleeve, y'know? Not likely to be caught with their pants down or to skirt responsibility. After all, bad choices like that tended to just scarf down cheddar. It's a tough decision, and he'll really need to button down and think it over. He couldn't let himself settle for a tie. The logic needed to be seamless. In fact, it was sew important that he was starting to lose sleep over it. The inheritor shouldn't be likely to have the wool pulled over their eyes and start committing white collar crime; he already suspected one was already in a rival's pocket. It's not like he could go back and redo it if the shoe didn't fit.

hahaha wow

this has been a punderful night

A pathologist and a chemist recently opened a ride in a theme park together.

The call it Flu Ride

What do you get when you cross a recliner with a fruit?

[spoiler] A chairy [/spoiler]

What do you call a blind dinoaur?

[spoiler] An Idontthinkhesaurus [/spoiler]

What do you call the blind dinosaurs dog?

[spoiler]Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex[/spoiler]

cool code bro

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[spoiler]It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.[/spoiler]

And another version.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

[spoiler]You... Don't know?[/spoiler]

i am not a clever man

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up,and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Ah, puns. The best kind of jokes.

Found these in my bio notes for lecture today.

What did the hippocampus say at its retirement speech?

[spoiler]Thanks for the memories![/spoiler]

If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?

[spoiler]PET Scans.[/spoiler]

What do you call a pop flyin' glia?

[spoiler]Smyelin.[/spoiler]

What do you call a skull without 100 billion neurons?

[spoiler]A no-brainer.[/spoiler]

What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?

[spoiler]"You're a real pain!"[/spoiler]

What did parietal say to frontal?

[spoiler]I lobe you.[/spoiler]

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?

[spoiler]It had trouble controlling its impulses.[/spoiler]

So a man is caught cheating on his wife with three other women. She finds out and chases him around the house until she eventually catches him in the garage. She chains him to a pipe by his penis. She then picks up a hack saw and begins to walk towards him.
"Whaddya gonna do? cut it off?" the man asks. She smiles and says "No you are gonna cut it off. I am gonna light the garage on fire."

owowowowowowowoww i felt that

Here's a couple my buddy told me today:

Atoms have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

Two cannibals are eating clowns. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Here's one I've always liked:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

[spoiler] Wiped his butt [/spoiler]

Think about that last one.

I bet clockmakers have to keep a close watch on their merchandise